FML I relapsed

[aztec99]

Sup everyone, so after 4 months of being sober I relapsed a few weeks ago on 4/20. I took a new research chemical called 5 methyl ethylone. This is knowing that I have HPPD and I have some kind of nerve damage to my penis, all of which is of course worse. Having extreme fucked up anxiety especially social anxiety is destroying me. Living with shot nerves, barely able to look or converse with people, no fun ever, no real relationships, watching everyone else live life. It's like a kind of torture and eventually I say fuck it and get fucked up. I was doing well, eating organic, no caffeine. Was chatting with VIsual and trying to remain positive. But my extreme anxiety, some depression, no life and addiction to pornography drove me to say screw it and do the drugs again.

I can't deal with this anxiety. It's been a lifelong issue for me that I've tried to beat without meds but I believe I need meds. So, I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. On one hand I need ADs/anxiety meds like a diabetic needs insulin. On the other hand I shouldn't take ADs due to making the HPPD worse. I ignorantly took Dexthorphan cough medicine for a week and my HPPD has stayed permanently worse for it. So I definitely believe ADs can make it worse.

My best friend, couselor, and doctor are urging me to take the AD. Although my best friend and counselor think HPPD is just in my head. I think I've halfway convinced my doctor that I have it and am going to give her some articles on it. I'm going to give Zoloft shot because if I don't I'll just relapse and fuck myself again anyway. At this point, I'm just trying to convince my doctor that HPPD is real and that I have it so that someone can support me as I try these ADs. I'm thinking of giving her the article from this site labeled "Ophthalmology_Article_1996" which talks about HPPD being real and persistent and not a transitory flashback. Can you guys recommend any other good articles that might inform my doctor that this is a real medical disorder?

[Jay1]

I've relapsed a few times over the years.... Best to just put it out of mind rather than beat yourself up about it.

Is it possible you could suggest something like Lamictal as an AD treatment. It is well known for AD properties, but doesn't affect your hppd.

SSRIs (which I assume they want you to take) will 90% chance make you worse, although I think Zoloft is more tolerable.

[gill]

I don't see why it's necessary to convince them you have HPPD; they can still help out with anxiety regardless. And, none of us are perfect, so no need to be so hard on yourself.

[aztec99]

Thanks guys. Most of the time I don't realize how hard on myself that I am. You are right, it is unrealistic to think I can just cold turkey beat this thing after so long a time on drugs.

Gill, I'm trying to convince her that I have HPPD so I can suggest meds such as Lamictal like Jay recommends. Otherwise, I have to take whatever she wants to prescribe (SSRI) and potentially make things worse. I tried to get her to prescribe Wellbutrin as Visual has recommended for HPPD dopamine treatment but she said it wouldn't help much with my anxiety. And my main goal is anxiety treatment not HPPD treatment.

I'm hoping I have a flashback or worse from this AD and have to go to the hospital. Maybe then she'll let me suggest a something more sympathetic to HPPD treatment.

[WuWei]

I take Lexapro. I took it before I had HPPD and have taken it since. For me it's a balancing act between too high a dose and too low a dose. Don't discount SSRI's without trying them because they make some people's symptoms worse. If you're depressed you should give them a try. I can't function without it personally.

Relapsing is a symptom of depression and anxiety, and to be expected along the way. We all are doing the best we can. It doesn't make you a bad person.

Just don't let them put you on an antipsychotic like they seem to be fond of doing nowadays. This might come up especially if you mention "hallucinatory" phenomena. The average GP doesn't have a clue what HPPD is (a neurologist I was referred to hadn't even heard of it). Antipsychotics are a no-no for HPPD from what I understand, and will intensify symptoms.

[aztec99]

How long did it take for the AD to kick in when you first started taking it?how do you know you are feeling different and not just placebo?

[Buddikaman82]

Yeah I relapsed also a month or two ago, it did not help my visuals..

I've had this 13 years and have tried various meds. As for AD's they are hit or miss. The one I would recommend the most is celexa, it has good results for anxiety and did not aggravate my visuals at all. The worst one I've taken is Zoloft, it made me extremely nervous and increased visuals dramatically. Wellbutrin is worth trying, I took mine with celexa, but didn't notice alot good or bad. Lamictal is worth trying also, but it's not an AD and is somewhat mild.

The thing about ADs are how you feel within a few days of taking them. My psychiatrist says you should feel a 'calming effect' shortly after starting and if you do, that's a good sign the drug is a good fit. If you feel worse after taking its not a good sign, and you are better off switching meds untill you find one that does. Good luck.

[Buddikaman82]

How long did it take for the AD to kick in when you first started taking it?how do you know you are feeling different and not just placebo?

You will know within 1-3 days if the drug is a good fit. They say it takes weeks to reach full benefits but in my experience your body will either agree or disagree with it after first dose.

[aztec99]

You will know within 1-3 days if the drug is a good fit. They say it takes weeks to reach full benefits but in my experience your body will either agree or disagree with it after first dose.

Ok thanks for that seriously. I thought I could tell a difference almost right away on the first day. But my couselor acted like that was placebo and there was no way it could act that fast. I think Zoloft is agreeing with me as far as benefiting my anxiety but it's making my visuals worse. I'm going to recommend my doctor get me off this asap and switch to Celexa. Any idea how I can get off this Zoloft? I taken it 6 times including today. Each dose was half a pill at 25mg. My visual snow has gotten worse, the density and flicker rate have increased. After images are somewhat worse too. Starbursts and halos about the same. But hell, I haven't even been on it for a week and its this much change.....I can't imagine the long term impact. I just hope I can find an AD that agrees with HPPD visuals and helps my anxiety.