(Almost) Recovered

[2muchmandy]

I dunno man u just gotta stay positive. You have imo the greatest gift ever in life. To have got hppd and healed. Its great news and you should be happy

[ferret]

Haha I'm feeling better now my HPPD is basically gone but it obviously still makes me kind of moody. I was really sad about a girl when I posted last, its kind of funny how sad I sounded.

[mgrade]

when you are infatuated, It's amazing how different your thinking is; sometimes you find yourself unable to function independently. When you are totally over it, your thought process goes back to normal.

[ferret]

I'm still not really over it but I realze that its stupid and I really shouldn't care as much as I do.

I drank again last night. I had a decent amount but didn't get hammered, quite a bit of wine (first time with that) plus 1 beer and quite a few jello shots. I feel no increase in symptoms at all today. I'm not gonna drink again for at least a week (probably longer) but If things stay as they are I consider myself to be finally CURED!!!!

[ferret]

Ive been drinking about once a week and am still doing fine. i know I shouldn't be drinking so much, but it just feels good to finnally be done with HPPD. The last 2 nights I've had mild Hypnagogic Hallucinations they were reallly frightening but overall theyy were just interesting and didn't bother me too much.

[mgrade]

I always felt that the hypnopompic was like being followed by a giant bumblebee fluttering his wings.................definitely odd

[ferret]

How's it going? I haven't been on here the past month and decided I would come back to let you guys no how I'm doing. Besides ocassional VS and some Hypnagogia I am back to normal. I even can sleep with the lights off now. I'm going to college and I dont think I've lost any intelligence given that I barely studied and still got three A+s on my first three exams. I'm having a blast playing rugby and am even able to get hammered weekly with no ill-effects so far (I definantly dont recomend this though and hope it doesnt bite me in the ass). Anyways I just wanted to remind people that it gets better! Good luck to you all!

[Sammywalker2009]

So ferret what did you do during your recovery just exercise and good healthy living ?

[ferret]

Bassically. Keeping your mind off of HPPD is really important. I found that letting everyone know what I was going through made it easier. In a few months you will completely forget how bad you are feeling right now.

[ferret]

Just Coming back to remind everyone that you can recover. I'm almost done my first semester at school and am doing pretty well. I still have some strange sleep problems though, according to my roommate I regularly talk in my sleep and will even rise to yell at him for not paying his taxes or other nonsensical things in the middle of the night but I guess its not really a problem right now.

Unfourtunately I had a really strong hypnapompic hallucination the other day when I tried to nap. I kept getting to sleep for a minute or two and then awakening to a couple seconds of sleep paralysis but one time the paralysis lasted what felt like ten seconds so I started focusing on moving my fingers suddenly they stared to move (It never felt like my fingers were moving but I could feel them tapping my chest and could see a part of them move from under the sheet) and I was relieved that I was coming out of the paralysis but then they started to move like crazy tapping my chest even though I wasn't trying to move them at this point. All of the sudden it wasnt my hand but a seemingly sinister hand connected to an arm that was coming from under the bed. Fourtunatly I was aware that I was hallucinating and I just kept telling myself that it wasnt real but I was still terrified that I was insane and may never come out of the hallucination (and I suppose part of me did fear the possibility that I was under attack by a demon). Anyways I suddenly awoke and although I was very anxious I wasn't nearly as effected by the experience as I would have been 10 months ago (I definately would have literrally shook for a week after somethinglike this then).

Other than those sleep problems I think I get more anxious about certain things now but am also better at controlling the anxiety. I'm so used to the extremely minimal visual snow that I have now that Its like I dont have it at all and in fact I'm not certain that I do any more than a regular person.

I hope everyone is doing well. Happy Holidays

[miketusa]

Thanks for the update. My symptoms seem to be reducing and coming back. It seems like the baseline is getting lower and lower though. I smoked weed like 3 days ago. And got really drunk, I was dragged to a party and I knew I wouldnt be able to hold back! Didn't die, seemed to make my symptoms very very slightly worse. Like i retracted a month of progress. Anyways, glad to see u are doing well. I like the sleep paralysis, i get it sometimes.

[zukov]

Pal, i dont want to be rude.. but what the $#$#"? why are you smoking weed and drunk so much alcohol? You have a big chance to recover, dont play with fire please.

[miketusa]

Meh. I have a bit of a restraint issue, sometimes. I just like to "forget" I have any sort of problem. Minimal consequences, as I said. Of course, I mean no disrespect to anyone's issues on here. But as I am my own person, you must understand my actions are my own. It is hard for me to imagine your symptoms, which I am sure are much worse. And for someone fairly new to this sort of thing, and keeping in mind the way I used to be, I would like to think I have been doing very well. The occasional drink, sometimes turns out to be an exceedingly rare smoke. Knowing this, I stay away from most people, places, and anywhere in between that may cater to either one. And as I am sure you could imagine, at 20 years old this is a very difficult thing to do while trying to remain socially relevant to friends.

[ferret]

My sleep problems keep getting worse. I experience sleep paralysis several time a week and it is often accompanied by hearing voices (not just muttering, actually simple sentences), seeing people (more of dark shadow creatures that take multiple forms), and even intense tactile perceptions of being atttacked, choked, or bitten. I wake up, get this weird head rush that is reminiscent of when my trip turned bad, realize that I cant move, and then start hallucinating. Ussually I can open my eyes but recently I've chosen not too to avoid seeing anything too disturbing. The other night I felt something pressuring my chest (like it was sitting on me) and kind of biting my throat (but it didn't seem like it had teeth) I couldn't move so I just kept my eyes closed, laid back, and tried imagining pretty women (this problem could turn into a positive if I could control it like some people can with lucid dreams, but i havet been able to yet). An interesting note is that while when I dream I never have lucid dreams but I am always aware that the hallucinations arent real when I have sleep paralysis.

I have looked and cant find any stories of someone experiencing this to the degree that I am. What are your thoughts? I think I'm going tot talk to my psychology proffessor tomorro.

Other than that I'm doing pretty well. A 3.87 for the first semester while playing on a top ten D3 rugby team (I was just B-side) so life is still going pretty good. I don't want to go crazy. Good luck to you all!

[miketusa]

That is weird. I had shit like that pre hppd, though. If I stayed up all night, and went to sleep mid day, really exhausted. I would have what you explained. I'd wake up still asleep. And I would be aware I was in my bed, but I would be still dreaming. Eventually, I dreamed I was in my bed, and the wall behind me was brick, and suddenly I was being tilted over the side of a building, it was so scary that I was using all my strength and I eventually broke free of it. Ever since, when I get that half asleep cant wake up feeling I have the ability to like fight out of it. So maybe once you become aware of it, just physically force yourself up. That's what worked for me. Now those type of dreams happen less and less. OF course, they are kinda cool at the same time. So as long as they arent disturbing you or anything, maybe have a little fun with them.

[ferret]

Well I'm halfway through my second semester and I'm realizing that I don't give a shit about business,which I have been studying because i felt it offered a wide range of oppotunities after graduation. I want to study psychology so that I can help sufferers of HPPD (and because its a hell of a lot more interesting than accounting). However to be a clinical psychologist I need 6 years of school and still will only get paid 70-85k/yr which might not be worth the debt plus I wouldn't have as great an understanding of the neurology as I would if I became a psychiatrist. Of course becoming a psychiatrist requires med school which means 8 years of school followed by a 4 year internship and a LOT of debt. I think I'm capable of it but I've never been that interested in biology, and im the kind of person who will ace any class about a subject that interests him but sometimes struggles with ones that don't. What If i had to drop out of med school and was left with a lot of debt and no career? What if I don't even get into med school and am left with a useless bachelors degree in Bio or psych? Anyways i guess I'm just lookig for some advice, what do you guys think? Since I didn't take any bio classes my first year I'm not sure if med school is even a possibility without a fifth year which I don't think I'd be willing to do.

[brendan]

i guess the best way to learn about business is to start a business, even if its just printing t-shirts. Plenty of help on the web. As an entrepreneur you can do all the interesting jobs yourself and hire in the boring ones. You'll obviously need to do a lot of the shit jobs as well to an extent, but not the shit ones than require long training (like accounting, from your perspective). If youre going to get educated then better do it in something you love otherwise the commitment wont be there so you will end up with either a crap degree, or a crap life based on career you find boring because you based it on a degree you find boring. A bachelors degree in a science is not useless, even if you dont make it to med school.

My sleep paralysis/rushing stopped when i started taking acetyl cysteine.

[brendan]

you may not give a shit about business because you dont share the values of your students and teachers, or find the over-thought minutiae about business process tedious and boring but would enjoy the creative side. Dont feel you have to get into business via university. I may be wrong, but I'm guessing most people on your course are more process-oriented than creative, and are more driven by getting the money and power that business offfers than using it as a vehicle for a wider goal. I bet if you spoke to someone like tim schmidt (charismatic chap who made the eden project in cornwall, uk) you would be right back into loving business but in a different perspective.

[ferret]

You are right about me being more against business school than business itself because its just so damb boring, in fact i have a internship (kinda) for this summer for which I'll manage a painting company in my hometown. But the point is I want to do something thats meaningful and actually interests me and untill now I've just been too afraid to commit to something with limited career options but now I realize that I really would like to help solve the HPPD problem and I'm confident that I'd be happy as a Psychiatrist if I can survive med school. Im very indecisive and hate committment but I think I can commit to this goal ecspeacially since I'ts important to me. I still haven't made up my mind but I really am leaning towards going after a psychiatry career.

For me a bachelors in Bio would be useless because i'm not to interested in most careers that it would lead to and a bachelors in psychology would be facinating but you need your doctorate in psychology to get a job that pays $50k+ and i would like to have the potential to make more than that.

[ferret]

Well I'm still pretty much recovered but the sleep paralysis is lingering. I lost my dream journal (I hardly ever used it) so I'm just going to record the more significant episodes on here in case I ever need to look back. The good news is that even durring these episodes I am aware that they aren't real and am simply trying to control them untill they pass.

 

The whole memory is already blurry and hard to describe (like a trip) so I'm sorry if I don't make it easy to follow. I woke up at 8 this morning and went to the bathroom but was still so tired that I decided to go back to bed. I soon awoke again to that unmistakeable sleep paralysis feeling and felt a tightness on my chest as if someone was on top of me and squezing, but I kept my eyes closed because I didn't want to see what it was. I was actually even able to turn it into a positive feeling by imagining it as a woman. The feeling eventually faded and I think I sat up for a while. 

 

(I'm not sure how to explain such an ineffable experience but to be clear the next paragraph was apparently a false awakening- a dream in which I dreamt I had woken up. Its not actually a case of seep paralysis cause I wasn't actually awake)

Next thing I know I've decided to get out of bed to avoid another episode as I'm getting out of bed I think about how high my bed is off the ground (it was like 3 feet off the ground which it definitely isn't in real life, but the rest of the room seemed accurate) and how easy it would for someone to hide under it. All of the sudden Im paralyzed leaning against my bed with something grabbing my foot from below. I close my eyes and am yet again able to turn the monster into a woman and make the grab into more of a caress.

 

Then I really do wake up but I'm lying in my bed not leaning against it and am yet again paralyzed. A simmilar experinece as the first takes place (demon on chest>woman on chest> gone). Even though I'm aware that the hallucinations aren't real and now I can actually control them to some extent the experience is still quite stressful and at this point I was getting fed up. I sat up for a few minutes but was still very tired (despite getting 8+ hours of sleep so I layed down again. This time I went directly from consciousness to paralysis with no sleep in between.Then came the "rush" (I want to explain the feeling but its ineffable, you may have experienced it on a trip before)  I kept my eyes open this time and looked around the room but saw nothing strange. As I closed my eyes I had several stupid thoughts run through my head: "I wonder if I imagine someone over there would I see them? No don't imagine anyone over there. Shit I just imagined someone over there! Damn it now I have to look!" As I was opening my eyes I saw the shape of a humanoind over "there" for fraction of a second and then... ROOAAARRR! A black wolf/man demon thing leapt from that direction and stuck his face right in font of mine (yet the image was still very vague) as he pressured my chest. I wasn't exactly afraid (maybe a little) more just feeling the "rush" intensify (I'll take a stab at describing it- 1000 mph winds are blowing right at you while your soul is being pulled in a thousand different directions) while saying in my head "it will pass, it will pass...". I have no I dea how long it lasted untill it passed (the wolf definitely wasn't on me for more than 10 seconds but thats all I can say regarding time. Anyways after that one I got up pretty quick to avoid getting caught in another.

 

As horrible as it is and as much as the hallucinations scare me that I could go schitzo down the line I find the experiences really interesting.

 

Wow my writing ability has gone downhill, sorry about that I hope you can uderstand what I just wrote.

How are you all doing?

[miketusa]

That was awesome.