Hey guys, so recently I have been feeling very bad about where my life is at so I figured I would share my story, maybe I will feel better if I talk about it and in this day and age this is talking. Anyway, I have been a psychedelic user since the 11th grade, started with some gummy bears that had "LSD" dripped on them, they tasted like battery acid but I knew very little about the drug at the time. I ate about 10-12 of those in all on 3 separate occasions before I actually tripped, and to this day I can truthfully say it was the weirdest trip that I have ever experienced in my life, the feeling that I describe as synthetic. I then did LSD about 15 times and mushrooms about 20 different occasions. The last occasion that I tripped I ate mushrooms, i was at my friends house and we decided to eat 2 grams each, and we were gonna hangout there and smoke all night and just trip, and about 15 minutes after we ate them before we started tripping a group of my friends show up maybe 6-7 of them all telling us to come over to the one kids house to trip with them and party. I myself didn't want to go because i didn't like tripping with more than one or two people at a time, so I was already out of my comfort zone, but I ended up going. We got there and I knew every single person there but I was feeling a little social awkwardness due to the fact that maybe five out of the fifteen people there were tripping, at one point I had a friend come up to me and another kid and asked us if we just wanted to go down and smoke in his house, so we went and I started feeling a lot better. We will call the two friends i was with J and G, me and J get along very well and J was the friend i was with at the beginning of the night, G and I on the other hand don't get along as well but are still friends. We started watching Family Guy and G pulled out his dab rig and took a dab then proceeded to offer both me and J a dab, I of course accepted and this is where my night really started to go south, I started tripping really hard, and none of us were talking we were just watching an extremely old family guy episode, one of the ones where only one character moves at a time, and if they speak only their mouths move, and it just kinda weirded me out watching that, in fact it weirded us all out so we decided to go for a walk, G went back up to the party and me and J accompanied by two more friends who were NOT tripping, and started walking, we will call this friends B and A, so me J B and A were all walking down this back road in some Pennsylvania woods at 3 am. We started walking and B and A started asking me about my life overseas, as I started trying to explain what life was like i began to get stuck, I was trying to describe to them the feeling of being overseas and obviously they weren't able to perceive the depiction that I was providing, I got a little anxious and stopped talking about it, we continued to walk when me and J ended up being about 13 feet behind them, I felt some sort of psychological connection with J, we couldn't telepathically read each others minds or anything but we just felt the fact that we were both perceiving on a completely different level than the others. All the sudden I hear A and B talking, saying things like, "I feel like they are retarded, I feel like im talking to a third grader." and then laughing, I didn't take this lightly and said something like "hey how about you keep your mouth shut and quit talking shit", I really made things awkward now, and there was no talking. When we got back from our walk we were sitting on a few big rocks just hanging out, I had already apologized for my first out lash and everything is back to normal, as we are sitting there B says something very slightly provocative (i cannot remember verbatim what was said" and I snapped out, I couldn't control what I was doing or saying, but I was standing up pointing my finger at B and cussing at him telling him to shut the fuck up or fight me, what was really weird was the fact that I had no control over what I was doing, the whole time I was thinking in my head "what am I doing? Why am I doing this? I need to stop yelling at him and let it go. Whats happening to me. I'm never gonna stop tripping. After that night I was kinda weirded out by the whole incident so I stopped taking any type of psychedelic, after a few months I started noticing that I was tripping constantly, especially in situations that made me nervous, like going to a court hearing, i was looking at the floor and i was seeing waves everywhere and books sliding in and out of the shelves. This constant tripping lasted for a while, I became a different person, It was like i developed ADD and anxiety, and my depression had worsened a lot. Me and my girlfriend broke up while i was going through this as well and it was extremely hard for me, I plummeted into a deep depression and didn't think I had ever truly loved myself. I was a big time party freak before I met my girlfriend and kinda mellowed out the year we were together, so after we broke up I kinda jumped right back into it, I started doing a lot of benzos because they made me feel numb, in the HPPD state I feel everything and the feeling is multiplied, so these were a quick addiction for me, although my HPPD subsided. I continued partying and doing drugs until I went to my freshman semester of college at, you guessed it WVU. As soon as I got down there I made some bad friends and was robbing people and doing pills and smoking like never before, I eventually had a close call and dropped out and returned home, when I got home I did the same old thing, robbed people and did pills, and I really needed something to change my life around quick. Then one night I was staying in a motel with a friend when he pulls out an ounce of mushrooms, Ahhhhh my friends at last. He asked me if he cared if he ate some, and i said as long as I can eat some with you. It had been really long since i tripped and this friend was my best friend for the past two years so I decided i was in a good environment with one friend, fuck it. We started tripping, and it was a trip like I had never had before, I ate 4.3 grams of caps and we blasted off into the unknown, after a while of tripping and happy laughs good visuals, we had to go sell a half ounce to someone about 20 minutes away, so we drove there just talking, no music the whole time. We talked about life and about where we were at and if we were happy. On the way back i started to notice that my eyes were going lazy and i was seeing one road for each eye that I had, So I was double visioned basically. I found it extremely hard to fight this so I just focused on one road and drove perfectly all the way back, when we got there we were still conversing and heading to get food, all the sudden, epiphany after epiphany, my vision closed in and formed one extremely clear picture, like I have never seen anything before and It was while I was saying how I needed to quit doing drugs and focus on my body and spiritual health, My friend says we opened our third eye, and I believed it, my whole life changed that day and i started loving psychedelics again, buying and using daily, I would micro-dose, i would take .5 in the morning and .5 around 3-6 pm, even though i wasn't doing it right i thought i was okay because i was only micro-dosing. I started getting into meditation and yoga and all these spiritual things, I had a few epiphanies while meditating that were very radical, like one was I felt a telepathic connection with the universe and was thinking with consciousness, I say consciousness because the image that came along with the thought was telling me that consciousness is one, we are all the same, so the first thing i thought to ask was whats the point of life? The response; Love, the point of life is to love everything and everyone, because no matter if I am human and dog is dog, we are both alive, thriving on this planet together, so If i have the knowledge to care for life on this planet I must. This short lived high point in my life quickly faded weeks after when I noticed that I was tripping all the time again... It has been about 4 months since then and I am in the worst place ever, I cannot get myself to work, I cannot eat, I sleep surprisingly well though still. I have had crazy thoughts that pop into my head along with my visuals, like i saw visual snow, and i thought "well what if it is really something out there that I can see but nobody else can.." or "well if i believe that this room is moving then in my reality.. it really is moving.." And i become scared of these thoughts even though I don't believe them, It scares me to know that my brain is thinking them. I have debated suicide many nights, I consider myself a fuck up and a failure for all these evens that have happened, and now that Im thinking so much i begin to debate whether or not I am going crazy, I used to be such a smart kid, being able to off any teacher because I would find ways to prove them wrong, or being able to win any debate with friends because I knew more about the subject, I went from that to being the awkward kid who doesn't really talk a lot and has been sick twice in two weeks so he missed four days of work. I am beginning to fear that I can no longer do this. Hope this story was put together decently for you, I tend to get off topic sometimes, any thoughts comments would be appreciated dearly.
By Bursting Aura
Omega 3's are mentioned a lot for there importance for brain health. Vitamin D can also pass the blood-brain barrier, so it should be investigated for mental health also. I drove over some papers on vitamin D and depression since yesterday, so I will share some of those here. Depression impacts quality of life and it is usually implicated to be self-caused. According to science, depression can be biological, therefore depression is not always a lack of spiritual perspective or a case of "bad" vibes. My conclusion from these papers is that most cases of depression are very situational. Vitamin D deficiencies are not rare, and can potentially have a healing affect with some cases, similar to anti-depressants. The optimal ways to get vitamin D in my opinion, is sunshine and mushrooms. I would stay away from raw mushrooms due to carcinogens reported in the literature. heat destroys them though. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/2132000
Efficacy of vitamin D supplementation in depression in adults: a systematic review protocol
"The efficacy of vitamin D supplementation in depression has raised lots of concern. Vitamin D is considered as a neurosteroid , and now it is attested that vitamin D metabolites can cross the blood–brain barrier . Because of the widespread presence of vitamin D receptor in areas of the brain including the hippocampus which is associated with the development of depression , it could be speculated that there is a clinical effect of vitamin D on depression."
Vitamin D in anxiety and affective disorders.
"Reduced levels of vitamin or its metabolites have been reported in various psychiatric disorders. Insufficient levels of vitamin D in depressive patients have been confirmed by many authors. Significantly lower levels of calcidiol (vitamin D) were found in men and women with depression as well as in age matched patients with anxiety disorders.
Vitamin D and the omega-3 fatty acids control serotonin synthesis and action, part 2: relevance for ADHD, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, and impulsive behavior.
"Serotonin regulates a wide variety of brain functions and behaviors. Here, we synthesize previous findings that serotonin regulates executive function, sensory gating, and social behavior and that attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, and impulsive behavior all share in common defects in these functions. It has remained unclear why supplementation with omega-3 fatty acids and vitamin D improve cognitive function and behavior in these brain disorder"
So on August 6, 2017, at around 10pm, my friend basically forced me into doing acid for the first and only time. I didn’t really want to take it, my girlfriend had just broken up with me, I had gotten blackout drunk the night before, I had just eaten, and I was also afraid of the drug because I had always been told it fries your brain. So anyways, I took one tab of tested (not synthetic [excuse my terminology I know nothing about this stuff]) in order to get high, which is the wrong reason to take the drug. I didn’t really feel anything until I started getting some minor visuals a few hours in. Then at about the 5 hour mark, the trip turned terrible. I started freaking out, I got constipated, and I began to freak out begging my friend to take me to the hospital. After about 4 more hours of this, we both agreed to take a single Xanax bar, and that helped me finally go to sleep. The next day I felt ok, things seemed a little different and I guess I knew to expect that temporarily. The day after that is when all my problems began to surface. I began to see an abnormal amount of floaters in my vision that move with my eyes, not on my own, and I also began to see afterimages of everything and I have also developed blue field entoptic phenomenon as well. These all pale in comparison to the anxiety which controls me. It’s now been 2 months (October 11, 2017) as I write this, and I haven’t been able to get good sleep on a consistent basis and I am extremely concerned that this is tearing my life apart. I can’t get the fact that I used acid out of my head. The floaters never subside unless I am in a dimly lit room, and I become extremely anxious and am not able to sleep easily at night. My social life has significantly deteriorated as well, as my friends love to smoke pot but I no longer do because I am afraid it will aggravate my HPPD. The girl who broke up with me the day of the trip gave me a second chance, but after acid I became completely obsessed with her to a point where it became necessary for her to remove me from her life, despite the fact that I was never like that with her before tripping, and I convinced myself that I could not live without her, which is downright creepy and not like the old me at all. She has called me psychotic on two different occasions since the breakup despite me not telling her anything I am suffering from. It has now been 3 weeks and my thoughts are still consumed by her and my HPPD. I haven’t smoked pot since 6 days before the trip, and since the trip I have taken one Xanax and drank on several occasions, which I have now stopped. I use an e cigarette every day and but I don’t drink caffeine. I have committed now to complete sobriety aside from the e cig, which I had quit previously for about 3 days, but did not alleviate any symptoms. I’m only 17 and I have my whole life ahead of me and right now I feel like it isn’t worth living if I have to deal with this. I made a mistake, one tab of acid, and I don’t know if I can deal with the reality that this may haunt me for the rest of my life. If this is truly permanent, I can’t see why I would want to continue to be a part of this world as it’s only been 2 months and the symptoms, however minor, are now unbearable. I cannot get professional help as my parents are non-believers in western medicine and would not send me to a psychiatrist unless I went full-blown insane. There is also no history of mental illness in my family. Any suggestion is welcome.
I am new to this forum so it would only be polite to say hello to everyone and if anyone could help I would be very grateful.
In 2011 I had a very bad acid trip after my 1st time taking the drug, like other people that have had bad trips I will keep it short by saying I saw some pretty crazy things and it took me three days to come back to normal, which I thought never would happen.
I haven't taken acid since 2011 and I never will again as it was the worst experience of my life, however from 2011 to October 2016 I was a regular consumer of cocaine, weed and at some point mdma every weekend for 6 months. Anther drug I have tried only a few times is Ketamine which again sent me into a crazy trip, it knocked me out (k hole) but went when I woke up. I feel I should add from 2014 to 2016 I smoked a lot of weed, like a half OZ every couple of days, and not just any weed, this was some strong stuff. Anyway getting to the point in October 2016 I was taking cocaine and smoking weed with my cousin, I didn't sleep and went to work the next day but went home early as I felt really bad, laying in my bed thinking I was going to have a heart attack. From that day I developed what seemed to be exhausting health anxiety, I got head pains, chest pains, pains in my arms couldn't breath, went to A&E and they said I had anxiety. I eventually moved back home as I couldn't be by myself. I went to my local doctors who said I had anxiety and depression and prescribed me propranolol and citalopram. The propranolol helped calm me down but the Citalopram really messed my head up and to this day I am convinced I have some sort of HPPD, and am looking for someone to agree with me or convince me otherwise. Since taking citalopram my vision changed, I see noses and ears slightly more pointed, and still persists to this day, my ears are constantly ringing, floaters which are noticeable all day, Visual snow ,eye strain, I'm sensitive to light, headaches and light trails aswell for example if I look at the TV and look away I can still see the TV light. I know from reading other stories on this forum that my symptoms are very mild compared, but I am not convinced that it is just anxiety. I have stopped smoking weed I still smoke cigarettes, and very stupidly I have taken cocaine twice in the last 5 months which left my body on edge for over a month a time. I also cant consume sugar drinks because it makes my body really on edge, caffeine, I cant even drink tea without feeling like Ive just drunk 10 espressos. Seen a private psychiatrist who diagnosed me with anxiety disorder, but I have never mentioned HPPD to him as I didn't feel confident enough to. Last thing I will add I suppose the thing that makes me think I have some form of mild HPPD is the Vision changes in peoples ears and noses that convinces me the most, especially after trying an SSRI, its a very strange side effect which my doctor cant really explain. I'm trying CBT next week to see how I get on but if anyone could relate, or at least give me some idea on if I have HPPD or similar to what they have read before it would be a great help. I have accepted that something is wrong with me, but the way I see it is if you want to get high then there will be consequences, and I am feeling them now.
Thank you for your consideration G.C