Microdosing fucked me

[microdosedfucked]

So I recently had a bout with trying to get back on Zoloft after microdosing shrooms for a few months and started having adverse reactions. This spiraled into me drinking a bunch while trying to get off it and trying other meds then finally a last micro dose causing an anxiety attack that seems to have given me hppd.

Lamictal seemed to increase my visuals and the first time I noticed. Visual Snow was after I tried lamictal for a few days. I take seroquel to sleep and sometimes klonopin for anxiety. Just recently I’ve tried to get on Depakote from talking to my new psychiatrist but everyday it seems to cause worsening VS, tinnitus, and derealization/brain fog. I don’t know what to do but don’t think I can stay on this if I feel it’s making things worse.

I’m not sure if I should keep trying meds to help me function or go natural. I’m experiencing a lot of bipolar 2 and ocd symptoms as well. I’m trying to function and start my engineering job but it’s been extremely difficult to focus through my cognitive difficulties and intense anxiety and depression. I’m also in early sobriety so that’s probly causing a lot trouble too.

[MadDoc]

You're asking some tough questions.  I'm certainly not qualified to suggest what medications are best for you nor would I suggest you drop your meds outright.  That's a conversation you need to have with medical professionals.

What I can do is tell you what worked for me.  I'd also suggest you dig in to some of the "medication" posts in this forum.

I took a natural approach.  When I first realized I had a problem even talking about taking psychedelics with a doctor was unthinkable.  In addition I have never dealt with bipolar/OCD issues.

During those early years, I got my degree and went into my first professional job as a software engineer (you mentioned that you were starting an engineering position).  What I found difficult was dealing with people and office life.  I took A LOT of psychedelics and it had made me strange to say the least.

As for the technical end of it, I just threw myself into it giving the job total attention.  I discovered that when I'm focused I don't, for the most part, notice my hppd symptoms.  You might find that "total attention" helps you as well.

As you can tell, I have no concrete answers, just life experiences.  I hope it helps at least a little.

Hang in, take care of yourself, and don't give up.  Even with hppd there are many people in this forum that are living a happy and productive existence.

[cosmiccharlie]

Glad you're here.  As MadDoc mentioned we are not qualified physicians but only able to share our personal experience. 

For me, I am also currently sober (going on 2 years) and have been on Zoloft for about that amount of time after having a relapse of strong hppd symptoms due to reverting back to psychedelics.  I believe the Zoloft really helped me but that's not to say it's going to be the same for you.  Unfortunately with these meds you sort of have to try a few different ones until something responds well with you.  I also had the issue of starting a challenging new life endeavor; I am currently getting my PhD in mathematics and doing well.  The beginning was rough and the difficulty of course amplified by the hppd. What I will say to you is try and create a healthy routing for yourself; sobriety is a great start.  Exercise, sleep and a healthy diet also seem to help.  Maybe the meds are not a terrible idea for the time being; they may help ease your mind while it heals.  Time has been a great healing mechanism for me and like MadDoc said meditation is a fantastic resource.

The most important thing is to stop using drugs and over time things will almost certainly get better. Have hope, this disorder is a bump in the road but it can be overcome with some work and life style adjustments. 

Anyway, hang in there it'll get better and know we are here for you. 

Take care 

[microdosedfucked]

Thanks for the advice guys. I’ve read a lot of what you guys have posted because it’s often so positive and I’ve been obsessively combing the site lol. 
 

Making myself exercise and creating a better routine seems to help. Still struggle with regulating negative emotions and trying to enjoy things and be in the moment when I’m in this trippy headspace. Also acceptance is the biggest thing I have to deal with as well. Accepting that this is where I’m at because of choices I made. 
 

As far as meds I’m thinking of talking to my doc about Keppra next week because I’ve read about it helping people with cognitive effects as well as visual reductions. Kinda scared with that side effects list though. I guess we’ll see.

[MadDoc]

Checking back.  How are you doing?  Any experiences you have helps others.  We carry each other  (is that a lyric?  If so, I can't place it).

[microdosedfucked]

12 hours ago, MadDoc said:

Checking back.  How are you doing?  Any experiences you have helps others.  We carry each other  (is that a lyric?  If so, I can't place it).

I’ve honestly been struggling. I’m working from home from Covid and that has been kind of a blessing. I’ve still just been obsessing a lot and kicking the hell outta myself for making the choice to microdose for depression 6 months ago when my biggest worries were exams and girls. Now I’m obsessed with the idea that I’ve ruined my life. I hate being so negative but it’s just how I feel. I know I had a drinking problem before but I so wish I could drink and be normal like other people. AA helps but I don’t think my friends in there understand what I’m dealing with apart from just being in early sobriety. I’m trying generic keppra now and maybe it has my mood in the shitter, I can’t be sure. Also afraid of getting addicted to benzos. I still have hope it leading an enjoyable life again but that’s just so hard for me to picture right now.

[cosmiccharlie]

I am also in AA and fairly young (30 years old).  Please feel free to contact me at any point; I am willing to give you my phone number.  Anyway, hang in there.  A day at a time is the way you'll get through this, if it's any consolation from my own experience I don't think hppd affects intelligence.  But rather produces serious anxiety, social and self disconnection and of course visual distortions.  All of which are correctable (maybe not visuals)  if you put some work in.  I know it might seem like things are hopeless now but give it a few months,.... then a few years and you'll look back with tremendous relief that the hopeless feelings were due to distorted thinking.  Anyway, take care.

 

Nick 

Edited April 10, 2020 by cosmiccharlie

[scaredhuman]

Hey there, hope you're well and staying safe!

I'm wondering if you've tried seeing/do see a psychologist or therapist as it sounds like obsessive thoughts and negativity are a big concern for you. I know that might be difficult to coordinate at this time but it sounds like you're beating yourself up a lot for how things have panned out, which is something that can possibly be worked through in this capacity.

This could be completely unhelpful and I too cannot give advice on meds and am entirely unsure how they react to different people. I've also gone for the natural route after trying different ones and have found that therapy, meditation, exercise and yoga have been the best method for me (and also distraction, which is very very key). Despite having some pretty hectic visuals its the mental stuff that comes with it (e.g. DPDR, catastrophic thoughts, panic) that really gets to you. But if the meds are needed to help you engage in these type of things then thats helpful for you too.

Once again thats just my two cents. Please don't give up hope. I remember being 6 months along and I also thought I'd completely ruined my life, but I've overcome and done so much since then. And know there are lots of people out there like us who feel for you.