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justhere

Depersonalization symptoms have made me incoherent.

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Unfortunately the depersonalization has progressed so dramatically that I am having difficulty finding the thread in my own thinking, relating to people, conversations and “culture” and am unsure what is next for me. 

I may need to go to the hospital and am terrified if I am given medications that make it worse but I’m not sure I can function like this.

Just letting you know how bad it can get. 

I come to and go in out 

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I hope you feel better soon. I've had bad DP/DR in the past and it's absolute hell. I felt like I was watching someone else live my life from the back of my skull.

Things that helped me were meditation (every day until I felt better) - there are some programs specifically designed for DP/DR too.

It might be worth speaking to your doctor too.

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well I started to feel better since my post above (why? Did symptoms decrease or did I just habituate?) but because life is hilarious dp/dr has recently worsened (again I’ve been stone sober for months) 

Funny how I eventually found my thread and was able to relate to the world and feel halfway human...yet now I’m even farther out in space. 

I tried to do this naturally but with all the ups and downs and the current shit storm...I will have to get some kind of professional help...gotta go back to my home state where I have insurance and just “Hope hard”-whether it’s an anticonvulsant or a benzo something will work...

starting supplements soon too

love for this go down naturally but there is a point where you can’t wait around because can’t cope 

Otherwise life is grand !

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I know it's hard, and at times impossible, but thinking positive goes a long way.  Helped me anyway, and I'm just your garden variety Bozo.  Life is grand!  We're the matter that woke up, and that's a special privilege in this strange universe.

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In my “right mind” I’d very much appreciate your perspective-especially the metaphor...

It can be and has been at times for me a wild and wonderful journey...that’s the problem.

the symptoms themselves are what has blocked me from literally (and I mean that) experiencing life in any kind of “normal” way...I used to be 65% up in the clouds and now I’m no longer on the planet. The beauty isn’t gone it’s just been disabled for me. Right now. My brain is unable to relate.

Unfortunately these metaphors get tossed around so much and are so subjective but I’m not internalizing information properly...There is no consensual, shared reality anymore. Everything feels theoretical at best. 

Positive thinking has helped in the past but my track record shows if this thing can get worse it will. For no good reason.

 

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Man, what you're going through sounds rough.  I wasn't trying to make light of your situation, honestly.  I don't know if my symptoms were atypical, but I didn't have DP/DR like you have.  I had aggressive hallucinations, relentless CEVs, and ANXIETY.  I always felt like I was on a low dose of impure acid.  Not being able to "internalize information properly" is something I fortunately didn't experience.  Your symptoms truly sound disabling.  You write very well, perhaps that's an outlet that might be useful (I realize I don't really understand what you're going through, just an uneducated suggestion).

Hang in, and take care of yourself.   I realize those may sound like empty words, but it's all this Bozo has got.

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I do appreciate it Doc...

I used to write a lot of songs both before the depersonalization and after as a way to ground my experiences...it was incredibly liberating. At the moment tho I’m unable to touch that place because I’m unable to touch any place inside so to speak.

They’re not empty words-a part of me knows that and feels that still so thanks 

I’ll find my own way through As unique as this funny brain of mine 

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I had pretty bad DP/DR during spring and now it's a lot better. I think there are different parts in why it is better, but in part I've become more used to my visuals (which during the same period have got worse) and I've been forcing myself to do things I used to enjoy even though it has felt really hard, like watching my favorite movies and TV series, play Xbox games, etc. I also started with Lion's mane mid June and I think it has helped a lot with brainfog and DP/DR, sort of giving me a nudge. I still fall back sometimes, the other night I had my first case of slight DP/DR in six weeks, probably related to me tapering off Zopiclone and increased visuals, and therefore slight increase in anxiety. It was slightly better yesterday, and back to baseline today. Might have something to do with a full dose of Zopiclone for sleep yesterday though, but also the case I got some really good deep sleep last night, and I definitely notice DP/DR is worse when not sleeping properly.

I am sure it will get better, try to focus on things you love or used to love, small things, something to put your mind on other things, a lot of rest, a lot of sleep, no stress.

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I’m already feeling a bit better since my last post...hard to say why but my guess is, as always seems to be the case, I’ve adapted (I don’t believe  my actual symptoms have shifted back)...

if I can manage to work with this—find some enjoyment, keep the stress down...then I can figure out my next move...

thanks

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For me, adapting really helped.  I came to the realization that I have a disability.  Over time, I accepted it and learned to adapt.  Like losing one's eyesight or losing a limb, we find ways to compensate.  Over the decades it got easier, and now it's just part of who I am.  

@justhere the phrase "I've adapted" sums up part of the process toward being well.  

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It is very noticable to my friends when I am u able to follow a thought, and not the ADHD tangential thoughts, but trouble speaking. It reminds me of a friends I helped from Serotnin Syndrom and the lasting effects. 

The medications gabapentin was pvermarketed, and yes it gives people a high in first couple times you take it and makes playing paintball really fun, but that goes away but it still has a withdrawal. It is an adjunct anticonvulsant that does more for me that Klonopin as far as being able to break the barrier of psychological energy to make difficult phone calls and it did make visuals appear worse at first because it is trippy. It is not metabolized in the liver, which was a big bonus for me. 

 

Talk to your doctor about it first. I think think it should be a first line antidepressant and was convinced years ago that it could replace cocaine and I saw this happen in real life. 

 

- dk

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Serotonin Syndrome-while I don’t believe I ever had it...after I took the Paxil (10 mg) almost two years ago and got the DP/DR at first I thought that’s what I was experiencing (tragically even though I had had hppd for many years by then I had no idea ssris were contraindicated...my condition was so mild I barely visited this site+ I had been on Paxil w/ hppd prior with no change in symptoms) 

I will definitely look into Gabapentin, I know we tend to have luck with anticonvulsants although Keppra did nothing for me personally and Lamotrigine has yet to be determined. 

I really do feel the chronic inhibition at the front of the brain...it’s like I can’t reach into myself...or like my brain is hyper aware of itself and has disassociated...implicit subjective experiences do not happen naturally (nostalgia, qualia...”old feelings” as I call them) I’ll even flub up reading sometimes and miss out on tone (sarcasm etc.) or even fail to put proper spacing between words, ideas..

I really wish someone had access to Pimavanserim (Nuplazid) I suspect a 5ht2A inverse agonist could really help. 

 

Edited by justhere

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Serotonin Syndrome is scary. I had a girlfriend get the onset of it, I checked her meds and the liver enzymes to break down an antibiotic potentates two other Serotonin active compounds and the first day she had trouble reading books, and she is an author. It required me taping her and playing it back to prove there was a problem. Had it gone one more day the toxicity would have been deadly. But, she claims lasting issues and not feeling as sharp as she once was. 

 

What you are trying to describe is difficult,  but I think I relate. It is something a person in the early stages of their HPPD would experience. In my case, and MANY others, the initial stage of handling HPPD  is a process where it affects almost every part of a person's life. A week earlier, you may have loved going to sports games, and suddenly it seems that you are disconnected from that person. 

Often, the fight to get back to that person and/or the worry you wont be that person again is precisely a major factor in not feeling that you are that person. It doesnt help if other parts of your life are changing also, and that feeling of neurological challenges can be very real, and at the same time he caused by additional stress or anxiety. The real biochemical mechanism is there just as someone that may have PTSD and suddenly shut find certain experiences challenging and risk taking or free flowing words dont feel there. 

 

One good test is if you have people close to you bring up your changes and they can see or hear it. Anxiety can do the same, and I know that as I work through the benzo tapering that my personality and my inner panic and feeling of relatedness to my body go through what feels like epic battles (usually while I am sitting on the toliet) where I am over thinking things. Even feeling constipated can effect mood significantly and I would say we are a group of people extra sensitive to these types of changes. 

 

However, just as the Doc described, there is a point where I often get an email from a person who would claim I didnt know what I was talking about and their life will never be the same, and then they wanted to tell me they havent been on the message board for the last 5 months because they could get back to enjoying life and apoligize for saying their HPPD must be worse than mine. My goal is that nobody would would visit this site and everybody had no complications, but I know it is a naive belief. 

 

Gabapentin is a strange one, but there is also a reason why people who "dont do drugs" liked to get it from bewildered dealers of cocaine and other serious drugs. I can day that I know a dealer that would actually trade a 1:1 pill of MDMA powder for an 800mg gabapentin. Admittedly, his source was good and in kilograms, but gabapentin helped his symptoms of taking daily doses of MDMA (I know, but it is possible and it isn't pretty) but Gabapentin helped that severe case. 

If anything works, or you have any other thoughts please post them and also email me at hppd@protonmail.ch . It is my most protective email and also doesnt have 10000 unread messages. 

 

Best of luck. 

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