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Hallucinogen Persisting Perception Disorder (HPPD) Support Forum
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Can anyone relate to these symptoms?

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Hi,

So ontop of the very standard visual based and dpdr like symptoms, I have gained a few others that are now more the issue for me (not that the rest is fun)

First of all when i first got hppd i met a guy in my head, ive called him Khash. I used to see him places, like just his face in the clouds or hiding in some bushes etc. He says mean things and would make me feel horrible. I see him less now, and hes quieter i guess. Hes still there i feel him. In the mood cycle when he comes, he can be really horrible. Telling me how stupid i am and that i should just die. And once i was in the common room at Sixth Form and he was telling me how i hated everyone and wanted to kill them all, and i watched myself do it over and over but more on that later. The guy is just horrible and i hate feeling controlled. on the same occasion as i just mentioned, the head pressure became immense and i felt my head morph into his. Ive attached pictures of Khash, along with some self portraits. (khash has a head shape like that of an eye)

I get really obvious mood swings...buzzyy...melty...khash....buzzy.....melty....khash... etc. Buzzy i get super over excited and very giddy/childish and feel like i could run for miles. Melty i feel like im on a fuck tonne of opiates and reality just melts and i melt and hppd-y visuals become worse than in the other 2 phases. Khash is the mean one.. sometimes hes there.... sometimes hes not, regardless i feel shit and get all of these violent horrible visions....

I get them whenever, walking down the street, eating dinner, at school. Theres always so much blood and either i kill myself or kill someone or get killed or watch death or brutal violence or rape or mutilation. and i cant stop it and i want to cry it makes me feel sick, its fucked.

Sometimes i see shit that isnt real and it freaks me out so much. e.g i see/feel spiders everywhere and i cant get them off and i panic and its so scary man.

and kind of in line with dpdr.... Im def not real and no one else is for that matter.

Any one like relate or anything.i feel so fucking alone man.

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I took a tab of AL-LAD, which from looking on drug test websites could have contained some other weird chems. I had a very intense trip that lasted around 16 hours. Around 3 weeks afterwards I started noticing visuals. It's all kind of spiralled down from then on. That was just over 2 years ago now. 

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Yes. Along with the visuals and dpdr came the moodcyles and this guy. Luckily he's less prevalent as a guy now , It's more become violent visions. Maybe a coincidence, but I think as it's all part of the same bit of the cycle they're different manifestations of the same emotional state. 

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I don't want to make you more worried but I think it is important to always talk all plausible possibilities of certain symptoms so people with HPPD can get proper treatment. When I saw your pictures and also some of the things you said you experience actually made me think of schizophrenia. But there are also a lot of other symptoms related to schizophrenia so it really does not have to have anything to do with it but who knows what psychedelics might sometimes trigger. Maybe there could be something there for you to further investigate, and maybe even find something that could help you out with the violent imagery. Or maybe not.

I am just a layman so take my feedback as it is.

 

Edited by sami

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Yeah nah I fully get you, it's something that does worry me. It feels less scary now I see and hear him.less. When i say hear though it's more like my own voice in my head, just not my voice and not what I want to think. Felt like schizophrenia would be more a voice detached from myself? But as I've not heard anyone mention similar stuff Its always confused me. Not sure if the two are differentiated and not sure how I could find that out..... bit of a sticky one tbh. 

I may go to the doctors when I'm 18. But at the same time this is an issue I want to try and solve and fix or cope with without some medicine that may help but also make me not me. 

Confusion and un-sure-what-to-actually-do is where I'm at... 

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Might look up how people with schizophrenia deal with those symptoms and apply that to myself??

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Hey dude, hard truths incoming.

Sounds like you might have really fucked yourself - what you're describing seems a hell of a lot like schizophrenia. See if you have any family history of similar mental illnesses.

Using psychedelics that young can seriously damage your brain, sometimes permanently.  As soon as you can, go to you GP, start going to a therapist, and stop taking psychedelics until you're at least in your mid 20s. Sorry if this sounds harsh but psychedelics are not something to fuck around with, especially as you're still developing. I don't mean to talk down to you but this is just biology. Sorry bud, I sincerely hope you can get back to somewhere close to your normal self. Keep the peace.

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