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justhere

Not holding on much longer.

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I never thought I’d be writing one of these posts but, well, here I am.

My symptoms got worse starting a little over a week ago, as some of you know I thought it was because of something I ate. I no longer believe that. I wish I never believed that. I spent last week full of anxiety and stress  and went many nights with poor or absolutely no sleep—symptoms of course got worse. I’ve slept the last two nights thankfully but without any improvement...my increases always seem to normalize but functioning presently seems impossible. Certainly functioning with any dignity.

this is the first time it’s gotten progressively worse over such a short time. 

My ability to read, comprehend and track information has been greatly compromised. My sensory and cognitive  issues are at an all time high making the prospect of leaving my parents and working seem downright insane. My coordination and bodily distortion is exacerbated.

I’ve spent the last 18 months comprising with this condition, first coming back to my folks in fall 2017 after getting dp from one 10 mg Paxil pill. I was just about to start my life. I took the Paxil as I had taken it before. I don’t know why it hurt me then. I would’ve just carried on if I knew how much worse it would it get.

09/2017-6/2018

I was scared and frustrated so I tried various meds—Some did nothing and three made it worse. I thought I was being responsible only taking 1/2 doses. 

 This past March Clonazepam made it worse and it almost did me in. Yet I did what many of us have probably done—I found the smallest bit of light in my situation and told myself that this was enough for me right now and that I was grateful it wasn’t worse. I could still work, have a somewhat normal social life and pursue my hobbies...I wasn’t completely gone.

Now as I was planning on moving this increase has happened and I’m just about through with this. No dignity or quality of life. The most damning thing is it didn’t even take a med to fuck me up—just worrying about the condition worsening and becoming hyper vigilant. My OCD actually made my HPPD worse. Now add sleep deprivation and anger, stress and no outlet. 

This thing wants me dead. Even being careful it has gotten worse. I get my hopes up—I’ve moved around the country while with this and have worked a few emotionally and cognitively challenging jobs—it felt good to have that confidence. Now I’m a vegetable.

I know that’s a lot...and I thank you for lending your support and thanks to Jay and everyone else in the PMs who has kept me afloat and given me great advice in dark times. 

 

*ps I regret not posting when things were going better, you lucky bunch only ever got to hear me come on tell you how bad it recently got. Wasn’t always.

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Keep on fighting, man. It's shit and a downright cruel illness that so few can understand, but time does make this better, slowly but surely. Try and get your sleep pattern back and reassess how you feel. PM me any time.

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We've all been there before so don't feel bad. That's what this community is there for. 

Like Jay said,  you gotta sleep. I've been down the road of insomnia and there's nothing but disease at the end. I'd encourage you to meditate at night, light some candles, incense, play some relaxing music, drink some chamomile or sleepytime teas, read in low light, perhaps even take a relaxing bath. Sleep for a lot of us is really about turning off your brain from thinking. 

It'll get better. I know it's not the best advise but I've been in the to the very bottom of hell and back and yet this is a constant throughout. It simply cannot stay bad forever. Get your foot in the door and just make a tiny bit of progress each day, whether that's eating right, exercising, going to therapy, posting on this site, taking a walk, riding a bike, hiking, driving, just find something to basically take the edge off. Keep doing this over and over and eventually you'll chip away at it. 

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@justhere Never give into the negative messages the mind sends to your conciseness.  Nothing wants you "dead".  Keep fighting!  Show this disorder that you're not going to give up.  There are times when things seem bleak and depression takes hold.  I understand that.  It can take a while to find what coping mechanisms work for you.  You'll find them as long as you keep trying.

Hang in there, NEVER give up!

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@justhere Hey, just like everyone else has been saying: hang in there and never give up on life. I know it sounds redundant or repetitive but if you keep repeating it to yourself you can trick your mind into believing it and give yourself the willpower. Side question: Could you elaborate on how clonazepam made symptoms worse? For me and quite a few others it does wonders with helping with visuals, anxiety, dpdr so I'm interested to hear on your experience with it.

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On that note, and i know you are not keen to keep testing meds, but it might be worth trying a few different benzos to see which works for you. 

Lorazepam, for instance, makes me quite manic. Valium and Klono work wonders. Xanax makes me too forgetful. 

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You said you don't have an outlet, maybe you can create one.  Find a healthy distraction from what's going on.  I am filled with anxiety as well and I know it can be absolutely debilitating; I also have OCD.  What works for me is keeping busy.  I go to the gym a lot, I play chess, I read, meditate  and I go for long walks.  Find something that brings you joy and can take your mind off of the current situation. 

Keep coming back to these forums, when you share your problems with others I have found that it has the effect of making them seem smaller.  A lot of anxiety I think is rooted in our perception of the situation, and often times that perception isn't even logical and therefore not sound. 

Anyway hang in there, believe that it will get better and it will. 

 

Take Care,

Nick 

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Thanks to all of your responses-lots of good advice and things to try. 

I’ve been away for a while because right around posting this I had just started to sleep again—things still felt worse but the sleeping gave me a little confidence—over the course of a week or so I started to feel better...I don’t know why and I try not to overanalyze but I just felt more attached to interests, people etc. 

The trouble is I’ve gotten myself into a really difficult cycle with this disorder. As I’ve said elsewhere, just thinking/worrying something is making it worse actually seems to make it worse...could be food or even seeing a pattern on a carpet for instance. I think I made my dp/dr worse a few days ago after that week or so of feeling better because a lizard had brushed up against me...it sounds pretty ridiculous but my mind has become very sensitized over the past month or so. 

Im avoiding all kinds of foods because they may make it worse even if they did not in the past. I need to somehow, try things within reason and distract myself or something. I do have OCD and understand that is playing a role yet as we all know HPPD can respond to all kinds of stuff. 

So there I am folks. One thing I remind myself is that though it does seem to get worse- I always feel better after about a week or two tops. Maybe my symptoms go down or I don’t know but those are the facts. 

Thanks

 

 

Edited by justhere

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WhyOhWhy: so clonazepam made my depersonalization worse—like other reactions I’ve had to meds it just made me feel like I was “taken out” of my environment—all of the sudden whatever I was preoccupied with I didn’t care about. 

This is frustrating because I had been taking clonazepam on an as needed basis for about a year with no issue. 

My guess it that since it interacts with the 5ht2A receptor that caused an exacerbation. 

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This has only been getting worse...I may need to try meds because I’m not sure what else to do...preferably a benzodiazepine that does not affect the 5ht2A receptor 

basic tasks are much harder than they should be...

Ill be moving soon and working even a part time job without being a liability and a cognitive mess seems very unlikely...

I want to believe it will get better as it has in the past...my brain oughtta know how to normalize...

 

 

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