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Hallucinogen Persisting Perception Disorder (HPPD) Support Forum
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K.B.Fante

Four-year anniversary

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I've been doing this every year for the last four years since I got HPPD on May 8, 2015. 

I can't put into words how much I've been through and how much my life has changed since that day. I know a lot of people here understand what it's like, but trying to explain this to your everyday normal person feels impossible. I just never imagined in a million years my life would turn out the way it has. 

I actually had a major setback a few months ago from a mold exposure where I basically had HPPD all over again except on a much smaller scale than the first time. Three months later I still feel disconnected from my body a bit (worsened streamers mostly), but it's to the point where I don't notice it hardly at all as long as I eat right and avoid inflammatory foods which always make it worse. 

Speaking of, I'm pretty convinced HPPD is some sort of autoimmune reaction in the brain. I know nobody has the answer but this so me makes the most sense after trying to piece the puzzle together for the last four years. All the more reason to eat healthy and exercise!

I don't know that I'll ever totally overcome HPPD and return to completely normal vision. I've always had eye floaters and a bit of snow so my normal is probably always gonna have some HPPD symptoms. But overall I feel I'm getting close to that normal feeling again, whatever that is. I think in another two years or so I'll be pretty much done with HPPD as a chapter of my life. 

It's strange, I remember years ago when I first got HPPD I thought there'd be some kind of cure. I often fantasized about it and what I'd do if I was able to suddenly return to my old brain, personality and way of life. I thought I'd be the happiest person alive. But as it turns out HPPD fades extremely slow, almost to the point where you don't even notice it improving at all. The years just pass by, you keep checking in only to feel about the same as you did before, until a few years pass, then a few more and finally you realize you've made a ton of progress and you can maybe even see the light at the end of the tunnel. 

That's sorta how I feel now. I've improved enough to where I'm closer to being me again than I ever have in the last four years. I've had lots of other health struggles since getting HPPD that have also transformed my life, but HPPD is honestly the least of my worries at this point, which feels incredible to say. 

I'm hoping to do some work in the future with regards to bringing some attention to this disorder -- I just don't know what quite yet. I also need to get fully healthy before I do. In the meantime I'm gonna keep doing what I've been doing the last four years: eating healthy, exercise, work, spend time in nature, learn, love my friends and family and just try to take it one day at a time. That's the only thing you can do with this disease: just put one foot in front of the other. 

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Great post and happy to hear that you are not letting it define you. You are totally right about seeing very slow progress, but it is progress non the less (for me it is more progress in my coping mechanism and just getting a positive outlook back).

Keep on fighting, Jay

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