Need Advice, ( Help / ADHD )

[wandermoon]

You guys need a 'save draft' when typing out posts. cause I just typed a whole long story out and accidentally hit back space and lost it all. I tried using the forward arrow but I had been logged out for being away for too long? Even though I was just typing that whole time. :C

I'm definitely not going to type it all out again. Long story short I can not find anyone to prescribe me adderal. I was on my moms insurance for 25 years through a private medical group "Kaiser Insurance, since then I've spent the last 3 1/2 years bouncing from provider to provider and they all tell me they cant help me and to find a new provider. My kaiser medical file goes back to when I was 5 years old documented proof that I have been on stimulants since I was 5 and that I have gnarly bad adhd needing stimulants to treat me. I jumped through their hoops, I took their shitty meds that did make my condition worse, albeit temporarily, but they wont let me try it my way with adderal. 

I 100% no for a fact adderal will not make my visuals worse, I took it the whole first year I had hppd until I lost kaiser when I turned 25. I also have been taking it for the last 2 weeks, I bought some from a friend because I was seriously tired of being rejected and literally being a vegetable when I am at home. Also I have tried meth and cocaine as well as some other stimulants post hppd. Looking for something to self medicate. Cause it appears no one is ever going to help me. Meth gave me mild psychosis til I got a good nights sleep and cocaine gave me heavy psychosis lasting up to 72hours after last use. a lot of stimulants seem to do this I hear voices of people saying negative things about me and putting me down.
But its always a temporary condition, it has gone away every time. Also adderal doesn't seem to do this at all. Not even an increase in my static or floaters, from what I read majority of people do have problems with stimulants but I didnt read individual cases on adderal. The only theory I have is that I have been on it since 4th grade and my body is just used to it.

Anyway I don't know what to say to get a provider to help me. I don't know the right words. I have been to 10+ and have tried everything from being completely honest about my hppd and all my drug use to trying to lie my face off, but my adhd diagnosis and my hppd diagnosis is both from kaiser. I can't give them my adhd medical history without revealing I have hppd too. I don't know if I should be honest about my drug use post hppd. The last provider that just rejected me like 3 weeks ago, thats when I up and bought some adderal for ridiculous prices.

This last provider was suppose to be an Adhd specialist and it was bogus. The therapist who did my intake assessment the one that shows if I still fell into the category for patients who need stimulants. She became my regular therapist after. I told her about my condition She was... surprise... unfamiliar with it and I told her it was in the dsm5 book, she pulled the book out and looked it up. I also told her about this website and she looked it up too. She then told my practitioner about my condition and the website and the practitioner told her that she wasn't worried about it. So I really thought these were going to be the people that helped me, but the practitioner waited 4months that was legit the soonest appointment for a prescriber at both of their locations. She waited 4 months just to tell me she couldnt help me and that I needed to see a neurologist. When I've already seen two from other places. 


Anyway before I keep rambling. I dont know what to say or how to talk to a psychiatrist or any doctor with a prescription pad, they are willing to throw all these fucked up SSRI's and anti pyschs at me that I do have bad reactions too. But none will let me even try adderal for a short period to see if it helps or I react badly to it.