HPPD since 1972

[Lancer]

Did some LSD in the Navy during 1972 and then several days later, had a flashback of the trip. Never actually came down all the way...I seem to have gotten stuck. I spent the first 5 years frightened and anxious. Lots of alcohol. Lots of snow and tiny dots in front of my eyes. Things move in front of me, much like floaters. I think the roaring in my ears is the worst. Lots of noise. Never quiet...hard to sleep. Parts of my body seemed disconnected. Don't actually register. I could see my arms and legs but, never felt them in space much...if that makes sense. I think the hardest part is knowing there is something wrong with me. This seems to undermine my shaky sense of self. Loss of self esteem and worth...depression...worthlessness. Removes confidence. Never really found any medical staff that had a clue. 
I've continued to spend much of my time deconstructing my entire childhood in the hopes I could find some emotional relief. Extremely helpful as my anxiety levels have been reduced, but never enough to eliminate symptoms...although after 45 years there has been some lessening. I've tried most of the anti anxiety medications. Most simply knock me out or rot my stomach. To be honest the only thing that has ever given any relief was alcohol. I eventually stopped drinking so much because it never stopped the symptoms. The best part seemed to happen the next day. I usually felt better. Still happens. There is some relief, noise lessens, things 'look' clearer, skin feels a bit more like skin instead of many layers. Symptoms return, but I often feel slightly better...not sure why, but in an effort to keep my liver functioning, I can imagine it's the answer. I try ever 5 years or so talking to someone in the medical profession, but never really gets me anywhere. HPPD isn't really on anyone's radar and most physicians seem to that have difficulty  admitting they don't know the answer, or that I might have anything useful to say, etc. Anyway,  I'm writing simply to introduce myself and share another experience with HPPD. It's good to know there is finally a site where people can go and share/read other experiences. Thanks

[Vinicius Moretti]

Your symptoms are lessening by the time? 

[MadDoc]

Hi Lancer.  I also started taking psychedelics in the early 70s.  I was 13 when I took my first dose in 1973.  I stopped using around 1980.  I think I had hppd symptoms early on but I figured they would just go away once I stopped.

My symptoms have moderated over time as well.  I used to have closed eye visuals, those went away very suddenly in my 40s.  Most of the anxiety dissipated as well.  I'm left with visuals that I'll probably have for the rest of my life.  

I'm happy you're here.  We've both had this disability over the long haul.  Finding this forum was a huge relief to me.  There is a lot of good information and some very knowledgeable folks post here.

Edited February 23, 2019 by MadDoc

[Lancer]

Thanks MadDoc. I keep thinking someday, someone will figure out some kind of treatment, but perhaps not. I guess in time, after years of working on all the associated depression, suicidal crap etc. AND surviving!! I gradually became more philosophical about it all...a bit more resigned maybe. Not preferable of course,  but finding some way to cope is a huge start.  

I appreciated your post...thanks again..

[MadDoc]

I think we get philosophical as we age.  I'll have this disorder for the rest of my life.  I've accepted that.  Like anyone who has a disability, I just try to do the best I can.  Life has been good, and I'm hoping I get to be here for many more years.   

[...]

Hi Lancer! I was recently considering how very frustrating it has been over the years to explain to a Physician about HPPD and they haven't a clue about it. I did this with every doctor I had, including Eye doctors,  general practitioners, obstetricians and even neurologists. This is since 1971.I think that of itself as enough to make me 2nd guess the reality of my flashbacks or if I was imagining them. I've yet to find a Dr. Who even knows about it. Sigh. I developed HPPD in 1970 after a year of experimenting with Psychedlic drugs. I was 12. It is only in recent years that I discovered this had a name. When I read about it, it was as if I was reading about myself. What a relief! Actually it was a friend all the way in Russia who told me about it and suggested I join this forum! 

Edited July 23, 2022 by Kaleidoscope
Misspelling

[Hppd1973]

HPPD since 1973 at the age of 15 after just one trip on LSD. When I woke up the next day I felt like I hadn't come completely down, still saw trails and felt detached from reality a little bit. I also felt like I couldn't focus correctly, I wasn't sure if I was seeing double or not when looking at certain things. Everything just felt off. I assumed this would fade away in a day or so, but it didn't, it never did. Back then I played a lot of basketball, after this I found it difficult to follow the ball, doing so would make me feel lightheaded and after a while I would start to feel like I was going to pass out. I would have to sit out for a bit and then start playing again, but I would have this feeling that I can only describe as a dull Dizziness. I later came to realize that I was feeling intense fatigue. As the days and weeks went on, I started to need to sleep during the day to recoup, otherwise this feeling would just get more intense. Sleeping refreshed me enough to continue with the day and into the night. I returned to heavy use of Pot and Alcohol in attempt to drown out this weird feeling, but it didn't help as I found getting high no longer felt good, it just seemed to intensify this bad feeling. Being a young kid, I was afraid to mention this to my parents or a Dr. I just assumed that the LSD had caused some kind of damage and I would have to learn to live with it, but that became increasingly difficult as the bad feelings intensified and I started feeling my heart beating chaotically which led to panic attacks and these led to depression. It all got so bad that 7 months later I finally told my parents that I was feeling "dizzy" and they made an appointment with our family Dr. I didn't tell him anything, I figured he's a Dr and he'll do tests and figure out what's wrong with me. As it turned out I did have anemia and low blood pressure and was also dehydrated from not eating and drinking properly. He gave me a prescription for Iron and B vitamins and weekly B12 shots and I actually started to feel a bit better. But that underlying feeling never went away, and the visuals never ceased. Eventually that feeling intensified again and my Dr not knowing what to do felt maybe it was depression and panic attacks causing all my symptoms after the other issues had been corrected, he sent me to a Psychiatrist who was a complete moron, he was trying to insinuate that my problems were likely due to an abusive father (which couldn't be further from the truth) so I stopped going to him. My family Dr recommended another Psychiatrist and the minute I walked into this guy's office he knew exactly what my problem was! After reading the forms I filled out and after asking me about my symptoms (I didn't tell him about the visuals because I thought anyone who heard that would think I was crazy) he looked at me and said "how long ago did you take the LSD?" I was shocked, how could he know just by looking at me and hearing my symptoms? He said "I see this all the time, you kids are born with healthy brains that your mother gave you and you go and hurt yourselves with this LSD, why?" He said he could tell by my eyes (when he examined me he looked into both eyes with a light and large magnifying glasses) He said they didn't understand just how, but that the LSD alters the way the brain processes sensory input and sometimes it doesn't completely reset to normal. This was back in 1973, and he knew something was being knocked out of whack. He said he could prescribe tranquilizers and/or antidepressants but that they would only partially temper the symptoms. He said he has seen many kids like me helped to either total reset to normal, or enough where they could lead a normal life. He said the thing that allowed the reset was ECT, which of course scared the crap out of me, but he said it was up to me. He said it was the only thing he knew that worked and it worked quickly, so I said ok let's do it. I had to be put in a hospital, which to my surprise was filled on one entire floor with teenagers all with the same symptoms as me, including two kids I knew from school a few years back. I couldn't believe it was this widespread! Anyway, I went through 8 of the prescribed 12 ECT treatments, stopped because my Mom couldn't bear to see me go through anymore, I would be out of it for a day or two after each treatment. But you know what? It worked! It wasn't 100% cure, but it got me back to where I could function and all of the symptoms lessened, the weird feelings, the visuals. To this day I wish I had gone through all 12 treatments because just maybe I would have been completely back to normal. As it turned out, over time some symptoms intensified a bit, but with benzodizepines and the newer antidepressants I was able to cope. Then in 1998 I read about Clonidine and had a Dr who was willing to prescribe it and it helped a lot. To bring and end to this long post, I still have HPPD til this day, and I still feel that weird Dizziness and fatigue, but I was able to work most of my life, got married, had children and now grandchildren. I do wish I had never taken that LSD (which I didn't know it was at the time, we were told it was synthetic THC which didn't exist at that time) because taking it altered my life forever. But I survived and persevered ( I know others who weren't so lucky) and I'm still to this day hoping a cure or better treatment somehow is found. Any other long time survivers feel free to contact me, and newer survivers as well. We're all in this together. 

[...]

Thank you for sharing your story! You were very fortunate to find such a Dr. In those days!

[Hppd1973]

3 hours ago, Kaleidoscope said:

Thank you for sharing your story! You were very fortunate to find such a Dr. In those days!

Yes, I was! Even today it's rare to find a Dr who understands anything about HPPD

[AF44]

On 9/26/2022 at 8:14 AM, Hppd1973 said:

Yes, I was! Even today it's rare to find a Dr who understands anything about HPPD

Tell me about it!