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Hallucinogen Persisting Perception Disorder (HPPD) Support Forum
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TheGman6072

Feels almost permanent at this point

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So I have high doubts that this disease will ever go away but at the same time, I don’t want it to. I’m so used to having my brain automatically shut off when something bad happens that I don’t remember what “normal” feels like anymore. Depersonalization sucks most of the time but honestly, whenever my mind leaves its depersonalized state, it feels weird. It’s as if my mind hates not having that numb, emotionless feeling 24/7. Numbness is more relaxing than being sad or angry or overly excited. I’ve come to realize over these past 4 1/2 years that depersonalization protects us from negative emotions by shutting them down and numbing our minds. I had my car catch on fire about a year ago and if I didn’t have this disorder, I would have been losing my shit and having a panic attack. but since I have it, it automatically shut down all emotions and I just stood there calmly watching my favorite car burn as I took pictures and videos of it burning and posting it on Snapchat. When my grandpa collapsed in the kitchen, my mind shuts down and I calmly kept my composure as I talked to the paramedics. They probably thought I was high because of how calm and emotionless I was. 14 year old, pre-DP me would have been screaming and crying. 

  Now the only part I truely hate about this disorder is the random panic attacks and having depersonalized moments while hanging with friends and having them tell me that I’m “acting strange” when I go into that mode but it’s whatever. I am not suicidal anymore so I think that’s good enough. 

    As you can see I’m not very active on here anymore so I probably won’t be back here to read replies for another several months or longer. But this disease doesn’t seem all that bad anymore 

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Idk man, that seems pretty bad. Being an emotionless zombie doesn't seem good. But I have noticed that sometimes feeling emotionless is better than feeling super anxious. Hope you get better.

Edited by droppedonce

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