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Hallucinogen Persisting Perception Disorder (HPPD) Support Forum
mgrade

Suicide

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My quality of life is very poor. 

 

 

Why is it so difficult to find a pill that will kill me and be without pain?

Where are the barbiturates??

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Keep on fighting mate, I know how hard it is, but you never know what is around the corner. What is your current situation, are you on any meds? PM me if you need anything, even just to rant. 

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I hate to say it but I’m strongly considering it as I am at a point where I am unable to take care of myself. The thing is HPPD didn’t bring me to this point asi found a way to live with it,to function,have friends, work, be in relationships even got married and had a kid but I was struck with a pelvic pain disorder about a decade  ago which robbed me of my coping mechanisms like my ability to work out. It destroyed my marriage and has me living from hand to mouth all the while in pain, pain which is exacerbated my anxiety. My last ditch effort to control this problem will be with a spinal cord stimulator implant by the end of December. 2019 will either be the year I’ve renewed my lease on life or the year my account goes dark permanently. I just can’t handle the pain anymore. Honestly, between HPPD and pelvic pain, I’d settle for just HPPD. My life is hell.

Edited by hope1

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I feel for you... The combination of mental and physical pain is just unbearable. I really hope the surgery works well for you, you deserve it.

But please keep on fighting, you are both great people with an inner strength that not many possess and have helped countless people on here. 

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I don't know about that. My impetus for starting the foundation was self preservation. Thought if I could beat one problem maybe I could limp through life with the other until a solution could be found. There's nothing great about me. Don't even think I'm a good person just a burden to my family.

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I bet if you bought up the fact that you are considering suicide, you would quickly discover that you are far from a burden.

I've seen too many people kill themselves thinking they are worthless, when in fact everyone around them loves and cares for them

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I certainly hope you guys consider otherwise. ? I attempted twice, first ditch being a complete failure and wound me up in a psychiatric unit for over a month.

 

My second attempt I nearly succeeded, waking up 12 hours later after what should have been a fatal dose of heroin. I have to say this, after waking up after that 12 hours... Just opening my eyes and realizing I still had life to live was probably one of the biggest revelations of my life. My life has turned around since then, and I am considering school again and numerous other things which I would have never thought was possible in my situation.

 

I deal with some severe side effects of my hppd, with a concurrent disorder - im diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and schizzoaffective disorder. I used to fly airplanes and had almost achieved my private pilot's license as a kid, and I lost it all to my illnesses.

That being said, some times a month or two can change your entire outlook on life.

I can't stress this enough; if your feeling suicidal, please go to a hospital, even if you can check yourself into a psychiatric facility or psychosocial rehabilitation centre; the therapy and time spent away from regular life can work wonders for your mindset.

 

All is not lost ?

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There is a stigma to suicide.  This stigma is totally unfounded.  And the answers are all the same.  

The resources aren't around, and if they are, they are wholly ineffective.  In my country, a hospital won't help you unless it is deemed 'emergency medicine'.  And since the advent of anti psyches ('50s), there has been a steady decline of psyche facilities: until in the 1990's, when virtually all psychiatric facilities were closed.  But these facilities were the setting for gruesome practices, and for all intents and purposes included ice picks and car batteries.  

Furthermore, the term 'psychosocial' makes me want to vomit on someone's shoe.   ..The word 'psychosocial' is about one step above 'selfie'... ....or when someone says the letters 'o-m-g' out loud.

 

Assisted suicide should be completely legal.  And it should be available to all. 

 

-------

 

So, we are thrown into this world.  We didn't ask to be.   The direction of the world is going straight fascist.

 

 

 

 

 

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On 10/24/2018 at 5:24 AM, Jay1 said:

I feel for you... The combination of mental and physical pain is just unbearable. I really hope the surgery works well for you, you deserve it.

But please keep on fighting, you are both great people with an inner strength that not many possess and have helped countless people on here. 

Thank you, Jay

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Mate ..I’m experiencing cognitive impairments,dementia-like,ptsd like symptoms, eye tracking problems, VS, flashlights ,tinnitus,intrusive thoughts and sounds inside head (explosions) every hour , sort of motion blindness, black outs for split second ,visual processing problems,weird dizziness, weird headaches, head vibration sensation  , others shit And I’m developing new symptoms every weeks my quality of life is very poor too and I’m fighting ,what ever is going on u should fight and fight ! 

I was thinking and fantasizing about suicide many times and i feel u and yes it’s living like hell right now but in the end u will adapt so other things will never bother u anymore .. there are  ppl who have ALS , MS and much worse than us and living life what ever is going on  . 

Hugs ? 

MA

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Sadly I feel the same, I can't drink or smoke anymore which was such a big part of my college life. My friends still invite me to go out but it's not the same. I have severe treatment resistant depression so using was the only way I have been able to cope. Now that drugs are out of the picture I haven't been able to find anything nearly as effective since. Feels like it's been one hell of a run but this was the last straw, a final means to an end. 

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For decades I've always kept suicide as a viable option in my mind.  Don't know if that qualifies as 'idealization' ... don't exactly care.  Obviously since its been over 40 years and I haven't done it, this 'idealization' hasn't hurt.  But neither has it been a boy-who-cried-wolf (especially since I don't tell people).  It is just that the 'option' helps me to not feel trapped.  

Get irritated when a psychologist spouts the old chestnut, "Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem".  They are just doing their job and they ARE RIGHT.  I just don't want my suffering to be trivialized.  And what is REALLY wanted by nearly every one is relief from suffering.

HPPD and its like can cause a lot of suffering.  But like the poster above, ALS would really be horrible - slow self disintegration, suicide not necessary as its already happening slowly without choice.

A better way (and forgive my snobbery) is to take what little energy to find things that help.  Everyone is different as to what helps but there is always something to alter.  And each thing that helps provides a clue as to what next might help.

How many have tried options that have helped others?  Usually it a problem of getting docs to prescribe things.

 

mgrade: I don't remember you by that name but I've been away a couple years and forget things.  Know you've been fighting with this a long time.  But don't throw in the towel.  If you are serious about the goal, what can it hurt to check into a MHU?  They can pump you with enough stuff so you don't care about anything - a temporary solution but it might lead to a better one.  Just saying ...

You say your country has crappy MHU?  May I ask which country that is?  Here in the USA, things aren't so wonderful as people think they are.  Those who say it is great are those who haven't really needed it - so they speak in ignorance.  If you are able to go to a foreign country for suicide assistance, why not try health assistance?

As for "The direction of the world is going straight fascist", don't waste your thoughts on woes you can't change.   Some governments are easier to deal with but none have every taken care of every citizen - someone always suffers.  Whatever government system there is, you have to find a way to survive and find something for yourself.

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