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Hallucinogen Persisting Perception Disorder (HPPD) Support Forum
Miller

Drugged Without My Knowledge as a Child

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Hello,

First I would like to state that reading through this forum has provided me a great deal of support as I have wrestled with my HPPD symptoms. My story is a long one but I'll try to keep it short for my introduction. From the age of approximately nine to eighteen, my mother dosed me with a variety of psychedelics without my knowledge. During this time, I experienced extreme hallucinations. Naturally as a child this confused me greatly. During these trips my mother would tell me that I was being watched by extraterrestrials, government agents, and demons who were trying to possess me because I was the reincarnation of Jesus Christ and multiple Egyptian Gods. As a kid I didn't know any better, and I had no idea that my hallucinations were the result of increasingly strong doses of psychedelics. Beyond the crazy things that I have already mentioned, my mother also abused me in the following ways:

  • She regularly informed me that the world is full of evil energies that I have to fight off in order to protect myself and things around me from being 'infected'.
  • She convinced me I had telekinetic powers, and I believed her due to the trips that I had experienced. 
  • I was told almost daily that reality is an illusion similar to the film, The Matrix
  • She brought me to hack doctors who provided me with a fake diagnosis of Lyme Disease. 
  • She told me while I was tripping that all perfumes would cause me to become ill if I inhaled them.
  • She pulled me out of school and convinced me to live outside in a tent and later a lean to structure in the woods behind our home in order to separate myself from 'evil energies' and 'chemicals'. 
  • She convinced me during multiple trips that my grandfather had molested me (untrue) and used me as a pawn in divorce proceedings with my father. 
  • She sexually abused me one multiple occasions while I was high. 
  • She told me that I have a direct line of communication with God and convinced me that I had to go into a trance in order to combat extraterrestrials and government agents alongside God. 
  • She told me almost daily that I had to put up shields in order to prevent my mind from leaving my body or anyone else's 'energy' from infecting me. 
  • She made me wear a copper helmet to prevent radio waves from 'infecting my brain'

There are many other examples of abuse that I could name, but I think that most of you will get the point as far as the severity of the situation. My mother was diagnosed with Munchausen by proxy. Apparently she was getting drugs from known traffickers in the area whom she befriended. She was dosing me in order to convince others that she was protecting me from aliens and the government. She also used me to badly hurt my father in an ugly divorce. The extent of the abuse that had occurred was not fully revealed until I moved away from her and began to sober up. I spent many years believing I was crazy until I was informed that the homemade 'vitamins', teas, and 'breathing treatments' that my mother had been giving me were laced with psychedelics. I want point, I was being given twenty of these 'homemade vitamins' a day. 

For the past few years I have struggled with severe HPPD  including visual and auditory hallucinations. With the help of my wife and the support of my extended family I have been able to take control of my life and I have made a tremendous amount of progress over the past year. In addition to my HPPD, I suffer from multiple phobias associated with the brainwashing my mother conducted on me while I was high. I am happy to report that through exposure therapy and mindfulness training I have concurred most of those phobias. Right now I am developing healthy coping strategies for dealing with HPPD symptoms when they occur. One thing that has helped me tremendously is reading the stories of others who have experienced symptoms similar to my own. I want to thank you all for your help and I hope that my story may serve as inspiration for others struggling with HPPD. 

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Thank you for sharing. That is an incredibly harrowing story, very sad, but I am glad to hear that you are healing. I can't begin to imagine how scary that must have been, to be tripping without knowing that it was from a drug, especially at such a young age.

Feel free not to answer this, but what happened to your mother? Did she get charged? Did you manage to forgive her?

It sounds like you have a very good mindset considering what you have been through. 

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