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Hallucinogen Persisting Perception Disorder (HPPD) Support Forum
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Basildog

Almost 9 months..

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Hi all, new to the forum. I used to love psychedelics, I started when I was 16, back in 94/95. We had good acid back then. I never really abused it, as it was hard to come by when extasy hit the streets, so I tripped on acid a dozen times in the mid 90's, before all sources disappeared. So I started to look for shrooms, but wasn't very succesfull. I had maybe 10 trips between 2000 and 2014. Up to that point, it was reasonable, although I messed with E a lot during thise years, some nights up to 20 pills.. 

Then came the darknet, I had finally a new lsd source. The first time I tripped on acid again, I went straight to the white light, at the center of the universe, speaking with God. Everything was fine, although I could never replicate the religious experience. I was in love with it, and I tripped every 2 or 3 months, I never really abused this substance. 

All trips were fine, I ve never had a bad trip in my life, to this day. 

Last NYE, I decided to take acid by myself, and I threw in a little amount of 1p-lsd... Didn't notice anything untill 2 weeks later. Trails. Palinopsia. 

The symptoms I have decelopped since then are: 

- trails

- blue entopic phenomenon

- strong anxiety

- staring into nothingness, like my eyes don't want to look at anything, like if my gaze would freeze, or zone out. That worries me a lot

- the worst: I feel I've lost my ability to feel. Things that once made me feel good or positive, like my favorite music, or painting, I used to paint... I cannot feel the rush in my head anymore. Like I'm numb and can only feel bad emotions. I do realize this could be depression, but somehow it feels more like it's linked to this whole hppd stuff.

I should add that I've been on xanax for ten years and have started to taper it down, because I was flirting with sometimes 3mg a day and didn't want to go higher, so there's no choice but going down. Am now at 1,70mg, and feeling quite awful.

I have many suicidal thoughts, like a lot. Many times everyday. I will turn 40 in 2 months and feel absolutely lost and misunderstood. In fact, everyday I think of taking my life before the birthday. 

I have no kids, no gf, no job, no income, no projects and loads of other health issues, from crippling back and neck pain to 12 years of sound trauma induced tinnitus and hyperacusis...

I'm extremely tired of everything, but I promised my two dogs I'd take care of them untill the very end. So at least I got this. 

I 've noticed that almost any drug aggravates the symptoms, especially opiates. 

I'm going to try neurofeedback to get in touch with my emotions again but I'm very skeptical. Arite, that's enough for now. Thank you all for this forum. May we all find happiness again. 

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Many here have similar stories and have walked similar paths. Aside from the day-to-day grind of trying to ignore dark thoughts and cope with a broken brain -- which is really putting in lightly -- it's painful to watch the years accumulate and see life pass you by, constantly wondering how different things could have been had you only not taken that one drug on that one occasion. 

I'm turning 30 soon. When I got HPPD I was 26 and on top of the world. This experience has altered me in ways I never even dreamed possible. I am and always will be a totally different person. But in the end I'm also a better person for having endured this condition. It's a disease I wouldn't wish on anybody in the history of the world. 

Instead of caving try and take this opportunity as a challenge to become a better person. Yes, you're 40. But 40 is also still fairly young. Most people have midlife crises around this age anyhow. Perhaps your is just a bit more intense. 

As Jay and many of the veterans have pointed out, this is a horrendous condition but one that still permits a quality and worthwhile life if you take care of your health from this point onward. Life is truly the greatest gift imaginable, even if tainted by constant pain. If you now concentrate on your health, eat real food, exercise rigorously, find inner peace, exercise your demons and work on becoming a better person each day you will find purpose, and once you find purpose you will begin to see life in a new light. 

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Again, i stand by my analysis that HPPD has a very similar brain chemistry process as PTSD and both belongs to the same family. Drugs can trigger in the brain the creation of the same alternative neural pathways as PTSD does. Can be definitive for some people, we are not all equal ; Makes you 24/24 hyper-vigilant/active and create more or less visual distortions (more in cas of drug use).

 But brain can be trained to reverse most of this effects. 

Try Lamotrigine already to 100mg daily. It's working for me, and for many other people.

Don't waste your time.

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I started dosing young, just prior to my 14th birthday.  I went through some rough and stressful years after I stopped when I was 20.  You said "May we all find happiness again".  After heavy dosing for six years, I didn't think I could be happy again.  The chemicals that kept me fueled through my teens were no longer working and I realized that I had done some damage to my mind.  It took some years of hard work, but I found happiness again.  There's nothing special about me.  I'm just an average human, but now I'm happy.  It took focused effort, setting goals and not giving up.  I think the hardest part was realizing that because I'm human, I'm flawed, but now I'm OK with that.  I guess what I'm trying to say is that happiness is attainable even when you're in a dark place.  One step at a time, stumble, get back up and try again.  

Take care.

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