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Hallucinogen Persisting Perception Disorder (HPPD) Support Forum

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Hey guys, so recently I have been feeling very bad about where my life is at so I figured I would share my story, maybe I will feel better if I talk about it and in this day and age this is talking. Anyway, I have been a psychedelic user since the 11th grade, started with some gummy bears that had "LSD" dripped on them, they tasted like battery acid but I knew very little about the drug at the time. I ate about 10-12 of those in all on 3 separate occasions before I actually tripped, and to this day I can truthfully say it was the weirdest trip that I have ever experienced in my life, the feeling that I describe as synthetic. I then did LSD about 15 times and mushrooms about 20 different occasions. The last occasion that I tripped I ate mushrooms, i was at my friends house and we decided to eat 2 grams each, and we were gonna hangout there and smoke all night and just trip, and about 15 minutes after we ate them before we started tripping a group of my friends show up maybe 6-7 of them all telling us to come over to the one kids house to trip with them and party. I myself didn't want to go because i didn't like tripping with more than one or two people at a time, so I was already out of my comfort zone, but I ended up going. We got there and I knew every single person there but I was feeling a little social awkwardness due to the fact that maybe five out of the fifteen people there were tripping, at one point I had a friend come up to me and another kid and asked us if we just wanted to go down and smoke in his house, so we went and I started feeling a lot better. We will call the two friends i was with J and G, me and J get along very well and J was the friend i was with at the beginning of the night, G and I on the other hand don't get along as well but are still friends. We started watching Family Guy and G pulled out his dab rig and took a dab then proceeded to offer both me and J a dab, I of course accepted and this is where my night really started to go south, I started tripping really hard, and none of us were talking we were just watching an extremely old family guy episode, one of the ones where only one character moves at a time, and if they speak only their mouths move, and it just kinda weirded me out watching that, in fact it weirded us all out so we decided to go for a walk, G went back up to the party and me and J accompanied by two more friends who were NOT tripping, and started walking, we will call this friends B and A, so me J B and A were all walking down this back road in some Pennsylvania woods at 3 am. We started walking and B and A started asking me about my life overseas, as I started trying to explain what life was like i began to get stuck, I was trying to describe to them the feeling of being overseas and obviously they weren't able to perceive the depiction that I was providing, I got a little anxious and stopped talking about it, we continued to walk when me and J ended up being about 13 feet behind them, I felt some sort of psychological connection with J, we couldn't telepathically read each others minds or anything but we just felt the fact that we were both perceiving on a completely different level than the others. All the sudden I hear A and B talking, saying things like, "I feel like they are retarded, I feel like im talking to a third grader." and then laughing, I didn't take this lightly and said something like "hey how about you keep your mouth shut and quit talking shit", I really made things awkward now, and there was no talking. When we got back from our walk we were sitting on a few big rocks just hanging out, I had already apologized for my first out lash and everything is back to normal, as we are sitting there B says something very slightly provocative (i cannot remember verbatim what was said" and I snapped out, I couldn't control what I was doing or saying, but I was standing up pointing my finger at B and cussing at him telling him to shut the fuck up or fight me, what was really weird was the fact that I had no control over what I was doing, the whole time I was thinking in my head "what am I doing? Why am I doing this? I need to stop yelling at him and let it go. Whats happening to me. I'm never gonna stop tripping. After that night I was kinda weirded out by the whole incident so I stopped taking any type of psychedelic, after a few months I started noticing that I was tripping constantly, especially in situations that made me nervous, like going to a court hearing, i was looking at the floor and i was seeing waves everywhere and books sliding in and out of the shelves. This constant tripping lasted for a while, I became a different person, It was like i developed ADD and anxiety, and my depression had worsened a lot. Me and my girlfriend broke up while i was going through this as well and it was extremely hard for me, I plummeted into a deep depression and didn't think I had ever truly loved myself. I was a big time party freak before I met my girlfriend and kinda mellowed out the year we were together, so after we broke up I kinda jumped right back into it, I started doing a lot of benzos because they made me feel numb, in the HPPD state I feel everything and the feeling is multiplied, so these were a quick addiction for me, although my HPPD subsided. I continued partying and doing drugs until I went to my freshman semester of college at, you guessed it WVU. As soon as I got down there I made some bad friends and was robbing people and doing pills and smoking like never before, I eventually had a close call and dropped out and returned home, when I got home I did the same old thing, robbed people and did pills, and I really needed something to change my life around quick. Then one night I was staying in a motel with a friend when he pulls out an ounce of mushrooms, Ahhhhh my friends at last. He asked me if he cared if he ate some, and i said as long as I can eat some with you. It had been really long since i tripped and this friend was my best friend for the past two years so I decided i was in a good environment with one friend, fuck it. We started tripping, and it was a trip like I had never had before, I ate 4.3 grams of caps and we blasted off into the unknown, after a while of tripping and happy laughs good visuals, we had to go sell a half ounce to someone about 20 minutes away, so we drove there just talking, no music the whole time. We talked about life and about where we were at and if we were happy. On the way back i started to notice that my eyes were going lazy and i was seeing one road for each eye that I had, So I was double visioned basically. I found it extremely hard to fight this so I just focused on one road and drove perfectly all the way back, when we got there we were still conversing and heading to get food, all the sudden, epiphany after epiphany, my vision closed in and formed one extremely clear picture, like I have never seen anything before and It was while I was saying how I needed to quit doing drugs and focus on my body and spiritual health, My friend says we opened our third eye, and I believed it, my whole life changed that day and i started loving psychedelics again, buying and using daily, I would micro-dose, i would take .5 in the morning and .5 around 3-6 pm, even though i wasn't doing it right i thought i was okay because i was only micro-dosing. I started getting into meditation and yoga and all these spiritual things, I had a few epiphanies while meditating that were very radical, like one was I felt a telepathic connection with the universe and was thinking with consciousness, I say consciousness because the image that came along with the thought was telling me that consciousness is one, we are all the same, so the first thing i thought to ask was whats the point of life? The response; Love, the point of life is to love everything and everyone, because no matter if I am human and dog is dog, we are both alive, thriving on this planet together, so If i have the knowledge to care for life on this planet I must.  This short lived high point in my life quickly faded weeks after when I noticed that I was tripping all the time again... It has been about 4 months since then and I am in the worst place ever, I cannot get myself to work, I cannot eat, I sleep surprisingly well though still. I have had crazy thoughts that pop into my head along with my visuals, like i saw visual snow, and i thought "well what if it is really something out there that I can see but nobody else can.." or "well if i believe that this room is moving then in my reality.. it really is moving.." And i become scared of these thoughts even though I don't believe them, It scares me to know that my brain is thinking them. I have debated suicide many nights, I consider myself a fuck up and a failure for all these evens that have happened, and now that Im thinking so much i begin to debate whether or not I am going crazy, I used to be such a smart kid, being able to off any teacher because I would find ways to prove them wrong, or being able to win any debate with friends because I knew more about the subject, I went from that to being the awkward kid who doesn't really talk a lot and has been sick twice in two weeks so he missed four days of work. I am beginning to fear that I can no longer do this. Hope this story was put together decently for you, I tend to get off topic sometimes, any thoughts comments would be appreciated dearly.   

 

-E

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Hey, I'm sorry for what you are going through.  My story is somewhat similar; I won't relay everything, I have it in the introductions section titled 'I'm Crazy'.  I have found that psychedelics in some ways can really open doors and offer a glimpse at another reality that in many ways can positively affect our lives.  They can make us more compassionate, more certain in spirituality however there's always some form of gambling that's going on.  Some people can handle them some cannot.  My personality is fairly addictive so when I started blasting off I just kept doing it and of course it loses its magic and can dig you deep into a pit of despair.  There's a great quote from Allan Watts "...when you get the message you should hang up the phone".  I have had the same thoughts of oneness and the nature consciousness and that love is supreme while tripping.  That's still with me and I embrace it; you should embrace that too because that is the truth.  We had to trade something to get to it and maybe it wasn't worth it but in the end you cannot undo past mistakes.  What's done is done so the only thing to do is move on, have hope and take pride in the fact that you have been given a tiny glimpse of the light.  Psychedelics can also trick you, or maybe it's just me that's tricking myself.  But they are not the answer, they can lead you to the truth in some sense or help alleviate depression or other problems but ultimately it is ourselves and spirituality that will make the change.  They can be a tool but great caution must be exercised.  Anyway, hang in there do everything that you can to better your life and be healthy.  Exercise regularly, meditate, eat well, stop all drugs and most importantly love others.  Also don't be so hard on yourself, that can cause physical and psychological damage. The progress is slow but over time it will get better and remember that "we are not our bodies" so any damage done is only physical and therefore essentially meaningless.  Our consciousness is eternal, that gives me hope and that helps me deal with the day to day struggle.  Hope and love are two very powerful tools.  I wish you the best, let me know if you ever want to talk. 

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On 8/11/2018 at 9:31 AM, cosmiccharlie said:

Hey, I'm sorry for what you are going through.  My story is somewhat similar; I won't relay everything, I have it in the introductions section titled 'I'm Crazy'.  I have found that psychedelics in some ways can really open doors and offer a glimpse at another reality that in many ways can positively affect our lives.  They can make us more compassionate, more certain in spirituality however there's always some form of gambling that's going on.  Some people can handle them some cannot.  My personality is fairly addictive so when I started blasting off I just kept doing it and of course it loses its magic and can dig you deep into a pit of despair.  There's a great quote from Allan Watts "...when you get the message you should hang up the phone".  I have had the same thoughts of oneness and the nature consciousness and that love is supreme while tripping.  That's still with me and I embrace it; you should embrace that too because that is the truth.  We had to trade something to get to it and maybe it wasn't worth it but in the end you cannot undo past mistakes.  What's done is done so the only thing to do is move on, have hope and take pride in the fact that you have been given a tiny glimpse of the light.  Psychedelics can also trick you, or maybe it's just me that's tricking myself.  But they are not the answer, they can lead you to the truth in some sense or help alleviate depression or other problems but ultimately it is ourselves and spirituality that will make the change.  They can be a tool but great caution must be exercised.  Anyway, hang in there do everything that you can to better your life and be healthy.  Exercise regularly, meditate, eat well, stop all drugs and most importantly love others.  Also don't be so hard on yourself, that can cause physical and psychological damage. The progress is slow but over time it will get better and remember that "we are not our bodies" so any damage done is only physical and therefore essentially meaningless.  Our consciousness is eternal, that gives me hope and that helps me deal with the day to day struggle.  Hope and love are two very powerful tools.  I wish you the best, let me know if you ever want to talk. 

I appreciate the reply dearly, really did help out, im also glad to know im not the only one out there who has gone through/ is going through, the same thing. Also I love the Alan Watts quote, he is one of my favorite speakers..! I will do better, i had kind of an uplifting experience yesterday so this only helps out more..! If you happen to read this also one of my big problems is having great advice, im a counselor among friends, but I can never take my own advice.. If I could I would be a million times better off..!

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On 8/12/2018 at 10:15 AM, thawhitetigerbby said:

I appreciate the reply dearly, really did help out, im also glad to know im not the only one out there who has gone through/ is going through, the same thing. Also I love the Alan Watts quote, he is one of my favorite speakers..! I will do better, i had kind of an uplifting experience yesterday so this only helps out more..! If you happen to read this also one of my big problems is having great advice, im a counselor among friends, but I can never take my own advice.. If I could I would be a million times better off..!

I think often times we know the 'correct' course of action but yet don't take heed because of our egos, addiction, arrogance, chance or any other reason we can come up with.  I totally hear you on that one, I can give great advice but often times cannot apply it to my own life.  However fear can be a good tool for combating this.  For example not tripping again for fear of consequences; I've decided to push that aside many times and am paying the price.  Yet I still think about it; it's easy to say as an outsider that that is a terrible course of action but when you're in the midst of life it's not that simple. And of course a lot of life is random so many things are a gamble.  Anyway giving others advice is always good because it forces us to reflect on ourselves; thats's why forums and groups like this one are so powerful.  Together we are strong and can overcome anything.  I wish you the best, if you ever want to chat let me know.  Take care!

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