Jump to content
Hallucinogen Persisting Perception Disorder (HPPD) Support Forum
Sign in to follow this  
cosmiccharlie

I'm crazy

Recommended Posts

So I'm very glad to have found this site; when people come together to support eachother the results can be incredible.  Sometimes just expressing yourself can help you.  I am almost 29, had a strong romp with psychedelics from 18-20 during which I probably consumed 60 hits of LSD, had at least 20 mushroom trips, smoked PCP once, countless salvia trips and a few DMT glimpses.  Plus smoking weed almost everyday during that period.  At the time I had just started college and was studying mathematics; my mind was very promising for understanding and seeing things a little differently.  I grasped everything almost immediately, didn't really have to take notes and loved helping people who were struggling.  All the while I was a huge pot head; I would tutor people in math and then smoke them up.  Things were pretty good.  I had slowed down on the psycs as well as I had met an amazing woman who would later become my wife; still is.  Anyway the summer between freshman and sophomore year I ate a 5 strip of acid at a festival, freaked out started climbing the fence that enclosed the area and was taken to the hospital.  I came to while they were taking blood tripping very hard.  That was the last time I did acid.  From then on I had the classic symptoms of HPPD, not just from the one 5 strip but everything I think caught up.  So I stopped, weed seemed to exasperate it so I cut back and things really did get better. I got into meditation, started focusing more on school and did very well. Ultimately I joined the Navy and was commissioned at an officer after I graduated, (3.7 GPA with math).  Just before I graduated and was commissioned I made the terrible mistake of hitting a blunt with SPICE.  STAY THE FUCK AWAT FROM SYNTHETIC WEED!!!  This really rocked me, I threw up, blacked out and the next day I didn't feel right.  This 'feeling of being off' lasted a very long time; I don't know when it left however it did eventually leave thank God.  But the crazy thing was I had to now start my 5 years in the Navy with feeling slow and not myself.  I didn't mention that I signed up for submarine service!  The next five years were crazy, I had to stop smoking because I was getting drug tested and I think that helped. Stared drinking a lot more but all in all it was okay, miserable and definitely would have been easier if I hadn't smoked the spice (fucking hate that shit).  Anyway I finished my service (loved the fact that I had a little know secret of having eaten a 10 strip of acid and had the responsibility of supervising nuclear power plant operations or standing submerged officer of the deck; my fellow bubble heads will appreciate this).  I had always wanted to get a PhD in math, so when I got out I applied and was accepted.  After getting out I had started smoking weed again and then eventually ate mushrooms.  I hadn't tripped in 8 years at that point.  I then proceeded to have 7 mushroom trips in 7 weeks (not intentional) tripped on ayahuasca and ate 1/4 tab.  I had actually purchased 2 ten strips (one for me one for my friend) with the intention of tripping a few times.  Thank God I threw them both out after my buddy and I tripped on shrooms together.  Anyway my HPPD is back and I'm about to start PhD level mathematics and my 6 year track to the doctorate.  My thinking is a little distorted and I feel slower than I did a few months ago.  But my mind is telling me to keep tripping!! I bought a San Pedro cactus last week thinking maybe it would help.  I don't know I'm very worried about fucking my life up.  I'm on the edge of living my dream and I still want to explore the psychedelic realm.  Everything is going so well and I seem to be the one standing in the way of myself.  I gained a lot from these trips I believe, I think I traded some intelligence (hopefully temporarily) for compassion.  Anyway that's me, let me know what you guys think.  I hope I can help you as well.  Take care. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The psychedelic realm.  I spent six years there.  I found that my early trips had something to teach, then dosing just turned into something to do.  After a while it can actually get boring.  Life is short and the older you get, the faster it moves.  I'd focus on perusing the things that make you happy.  Focus on your education, your wife, your kids (if you have any).  I used to think psychedelics were the answer and the path to happiness.  I was wrong.  Instead, sobriety brought me happiness.  I haven't dosed in almost 40 years and don't miss it one bit.  However, I live with visuals that will probably never go away.  Take care of your mind, we only get one travelling through whatever "this" is.  

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you for your words of wisdom.  I have explored sobriety myself and have found solace in it although as you probably know it is NOT easy all the time. Ultimately it does lead to a better, deeper existence and I plan to return back to it shortly. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you.  I'm not sure if I'm particularly wise.  I also hope I didn't go overboard giving a sobriety lecture.  It's just what worked for me.  Many of my hppd symptoms cleared up and I attribute that to sobriety, though it took a long time.  I know people who live happy lives using drugs like alcohol and cannabis in moderation.  I'm not one of those people.  I had to stay sober to reconstruct my life, get an education (I also studied mathematics), provide for my family, and to not allow reality to dissolve into madness.  I guess it's a matter of deciding what we want in life.  Hppd can be debilitating disorder.  You've accomplished so much, don't let hppd get a foothold!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this  

×

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Terms of Use.