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Hallucinogen Persisting Perception Disorder (HPPD) Support Forum
KrysaBelial

Nervous and Confused

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I haven't really talked to anyone about this before and I'm not quite sure where I should start, so please bear with me.

I'm 19, and I only started tripping very recently (March 26 was the first time I tried acid), but in the short time that's passed since then I've tripped somewhere around 10-12 times. I had my first bad trip because I was at the start of a very dufficult depressive episode and I thought that maybe I could escape if I just took all of the acid I had at once. I took 5 or 6 tabs, way more than i had ever done at the same time. Not only did I black out after hours of pacing around my room in a disorienting haze, but I had also just started prozac that week, so I started going into serotonin syndrome and had to be sent to the ER. After that I developed a healthy fear of psychedelics and swore never to touch them again. However, naturally, the very next week I came home after drinking way too much with my best friend and made the stupid choice to take 4 tabs. I have never felt such an intense and unwavering sense of existential dread. I was huddled up in a dark corner for what felt like a literal eternity, trying to decide whether I'd died or if I wished I were dead so it could just be over. I couldn't remember what it was supposed to feel like just to exist, but I knew that what I was feeling then was horribly wrong.

I've tripped 3 times since then, and since the last two I've sometimes noticed textures on walls shifting, as well as some objects like lamps or windows seeming to subtly expand and retract like they're breathing. I'd already been dealing with dp/dr as symptoms of my depression, but those two bad trips only made that worse. I'm not panicking yet because it hasn't reached a point where it's crippling yet, but I'm getting kind of nervous. I'm afraid of getting sober and all the things that come with it, but I'm horrified of ending up stuck in that bad trip again. I just don't know what to do.

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Youre not panicking yet, and try not to.  Panicking solves nothing and you need to approach what you're dealing with in a rational manner

You've dosed a lot over a short period of time so it's not surprising that you're having some visual wierdness.  I used to take sizable doses and it would leave the world a bit strange afterwards.  My one piece of advice is to stop dosing.  I can't stress this enough.  Give yourself some time to level out so you can make a clear headed evaluation of your being.

You mention you're afraid of being sober.  I used to think psychedelics were an answer.  I was wrong.  After I stopped dosing, and after drinking too much for a while, I finally got my sobriety to take hold and it was the best decision I ever made.  I'm not saying you should never drink, or never smoke a joint again.  What I am saying is don't be afraid of sobriety.  Sometimes it's tough being human but the crap life can throw at you is much more manageable with a clear head.

Understand that hppd can be a severe disorder.  I'm not saying you have it, I'm not qualified to do that.   If you're in the minority susceptible to this disorder, the fewer times you dose, the better.

I'm not a medical professional nor am I an expert when it comes to hppd.  I'm an old guy who, when he was young, dosed heavily for too long  I have visuals to this day.  I wish I had the sense to stop dosing when I was young.

Hang in there and take care of yourself.  

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First of all stop being wreckless with your tripping. Give it time to analyze your trips and grow as a person because of them. Don’t  just eat Lsd cause your drunk, it’s a kinda sacred thing and if you treat it sloppily without The Who what when where and how it’s grounds for disaster. Get it right and the Magic that sticks with you will be positive. 👍🏻👍🏻👽

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