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Hallucinogen Persisting Perception Disorder (HPPD) Support Forum
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Still_here

A turn for the worse

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Hey there everyone.

Hope everyone had a great Christmas.

My symptoms have recently got a whole lot worse. One of the most worrying developments is being unable to talk. I get this feeling like my brain isnt connecting with my mouth properly and I get slurred speach/stuttering, also I've started getting real bad vertigo and regularly have to hold on to something to keep my self balanced.

I've been feeling even more dettached than normal and being unable to talk alot of the time isnt helping.

Ive had HPPD for 2 years now and the symptoms have gotten worse and worse but since I got over the initial onset anxiety I've been OK for the most part, but now Im having concerns for my mental health in a big way. Im completely drug and alcohol free and for the most part stress free, I cant imagine whats set this off.

I geuss I just gotta avoid anxiety and hope like hell it gets better.

I have a big meeting with my boss at work tomorrow, which Im not to worried about, but Im just hoping I dont get one of my "seize ups" while talking to him. I hate the talking part the most, I'll be mid conversation and I'll feel my whole face going numb and I struggle to finish the sentence, its aweful.

Oh well thats my rant, sorry.

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Your speaking problems may be related to the vertigo. Vertigo is not a symptom of HPPD that I know of. Even if it is it is something to check out with a doctor. Your doc will not need to know about hppd. The vertigo and speaking issue is enought for him to send you for tests and to specialist. Vertigo is often an inner ear problem. Do have that checked out.

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I can relate to the speech thing, where the brain and mouth don't seem to make the connection. I'm not sure how much is HPPD, thuogh I feel some is, and how much is me being ... me.

My question for you though is how does your ability to communicate and express yourself change according to environment.

D.

... also ...sorry to hear that the new year is not starting off so hot for you .. i wish you all the best for quick improvements

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I hear alot of people on here with problems with their visuals. I can live with visuals. My problem is I am pretty much tripping! Imagine trying to have a conversation with someone while your on acid. I can express myself easily enough, Ive always been a somewhat dominating person and never had an issue with being shy, so theres no change according to the environment. However for so long I had visuals and a mild flat feeling of emotionless doom, but I lived with it, but recently this full on "tripping" feeling has started to come over me. Its aweful. However it's let up yesterday and today, but IVe learnt with symptoms that they do this, arrive, play around coming and going for a while, then set in for good.

Anyway. Ive got to keep telling myself that people out there have coped with this condition in a far worse condition than I've got it. Ive got a second baby due on Saturday so I have to hold it together as I will then have two sons, a wife, a mortgage, and a whole life that exists outside my little LSD infused world.

I must admit HPPD has had its upsides (kinda) I got clean, which is something I was NEVER EVER going to do without it. Ive held down a job for 4 and a half years and slowly progressed up the ladder. Ive bought a house. And I've busied myself cramming as much into my life as I can to keep my mind occupied. I have two show dogs (I always wanted beautiful dogs). I go to shows all the time. Ive become a known face in the dog breeding/showing circle. And Ive generally taken my life from being sorrounded by thieves, junkies, and crack fiends, to having a circle of friends that are clean, pay their bills, and are law abiding. I've lost that constant fear of problems in my life because everything is "built on stone" to quote the bible. I can talk honestly to my mum and dad without having to forever hide shit and deviate around certain aspects of my life.

Sometimes life gets really hard because for me, if I let it, HPPD dominates 95% of my mind. Which leaves so little for everything else. I find that I dont care about anything else during these times. But if I focus hard and push it to the back of my head I can sometimes forget it. It gets easier for us, people say, and Ive learned to cope with it really well, but the fact that mine wont stop getting worse scares me. ALOT. If it would only base line then I could carry on with life and learn to deal with it.

Anyway sorry for the rant. Thanks for your kind words.

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