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CompletlyFucked

introduction to me....

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First off my name is isaac im 24 from a posh suburb in southern California.... so like many of you i started my psychedelic use very early and i used it very very heavily, i went from never having had a sip of alcohol at 16 to at 18 having used around 250 hits of lsd about a half ounce of dmt a quarter pound of mushrooms, dozens of experiences with san pedro, extracted mescaline, all the chemicals in the 2c series, mxe, ketamine, mdma and various other bs mixed in........ by the time i got out of high school i was hearing things that wernt there seeing people in the corner of my eyes that were not there i wasent even able to hold on to a thought for more then a few minutes at a time before having my mind "wiped"..... this led to extreme anxiety and hard core heroin addiction i started slamming grams a day for the next 4 years, ive been homeless for about 2 years total i latter started getting involved in extremely violent gang activity abroad ...... fast forward to today im 1 year sober and have a very good job stable living situation and have good control over my violent erratic impulses............   for the time after my psychedelic use where i turned into a shit head i really forgot about my hppd which is fairly sever from what i can tell, i feel like im 4 feet deep in my head like im observing the world by proxy like VR or something when i close my eyes im in a fractaly fragmented psychedelic space, when my eyes are open the visual drag is very substantial comparable to an average single dose of lsd the world looks like im looking thru rippling water with a film of oil on it....... i just feel so detached from my body my vision everything, i recoil from human touch as if any human contact is some one trying to stab me..... i am so detached from everything i cant connect with any one and normal social constructs are the most confusing thing to me i long for it but just can no longer grasp it, i feel like ive turned autistic after everything that has happened i feel like a ghost of a person who can only think analytically...... recently my hppd has goten much worse the other day the world looked like it was erratically shaking to the point i droped to the floor to gain my bearings, i feel like im on a average dose of a cluster fuck of psychedelics constantly (im completely sober i dont even smoke weed)..... im not a bad person i just want to be a productive peaceful member of society with normal healthy relationships and i want to get out of this box im stuck in in my head i just want to feel alright....... i dont know if this is how i should have introduced myself but here i am :)

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There's no right or wrong way to introduce yourself.  You did just fine.  My psychedelic use was what many would consider excessive.  It went on for six years starting in my freshman year of high school.  It sounds like you had a similar experience.  After high school I continued my antics but really went off the deep end with acid.   It seemed harmless at the time.

The fact that you're sober now is very important.  Many in this forum will say the same thing.  I've seen significant improvement over the decades and I'm quit certain it's due to being sober, staying focused, and not giving up.  If you've kicked heroin, you're a strong person.  Hang in and keep posting if the spirit moves you.  There are a lot of bright people who post here so it may be worthwhile discovering what they have to say.

You're not a bad person for being cursed with hppd.  You're just in the unlucky minority. 

Can't go back and can't stand still, if the thunder don't get ya then the lightning will.  Robert Hunter

Edited by MadDoc
Foolish typing

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