jodie

V SCARED

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So I havent really suffered with HPPD for that long, I can’t really remember how long its been because I never really took any notes of when I started getting ‘flashbacks’ (they werent very intense) but I’d say around 6 months. However, today I had the most intense flashback, I was sat in my art class and focusing on my work when a girl spoke to me and when I looked up I was tripping like mad. I just kind of stared at her because I didn’t know what to do because I couldn’t see straight at all, I was tripping more than I had on some very weak tabs. I went and told my girlfriend who laughed at first but then realised I was freaking out. The last time I took acid was about a month ago but the tabs were verrryy strong and on the come up I felt like my whole body was shaking/vibrating (which it wasn’t) which is the same feeling I got today. Normally when i get flashbacks they’ll be very brief and last about 10-15 mins but today it lasted 3 hours and colour is still very intense over 9 hours later, which I’ve never experienced before. I’m not too sure if a trip this long is normal as this is my first time having such an intense and scary experience. I called my doctors mid way through the trip who put me on the phone with a mental health specialist (even though I told them I didn’t think I was related to my depression) and he told me not to drink coffee and was just very arsy about the fact that I had taken acid at all. (For reference I’ve taken LSD on several occasions, 25i-NBOME three times, MDMA several times, and 2cii) I’vd made an appointment but I don’t think my doctor will be of much help because I know it’s not a widely known disorder and he didn’t seem to know much about it when I was on the phone. 

After doing more research today I found that some people experience depersonalisation with HPPD and I think that it might be linked to my mental health recently. I’m not too sure how to describe it but I constantly feel out of place, kind of like an out of body experience but not in a spiritual way, in an uncomfortable dream like state. It’s not constant and will spike from time to timw but I think that the disassociation may be HPPD, again I’m not too sure but the symptoms for both have progressively got worse at the same speed and with the same intensity.

Sorry if this doesn’t make a lot of sense but any replies would be very much appreciated, I’m just a bit nervous at the moment and I’m just worried that my flashback today was more intense that a ‘notmal’ one. 

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