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slowdancinginaburningroom

Please Help - HPPD at 17, is it worth continuing?

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Hi all,

So on August 6, 2017, at around 10pm, my friend basically forced me into doing acid for the first and only time. I didn’t really want to take it, my girlfriend had just broken up with me, I had gotten blackout drunk the night before, I had just eaten, and I was also afraid of the drug because I had always been told it fries your brain. So anyways, I took one tab of tested (not synthetic [excuse my terminology I know nothing about this stuff]) in order to get high, which is the wrong reason to take the drug. I didn’t really feel anything until I started getting some minor visuals a few hours in. Then at about the 5 hour mark, the trip turned terrible. I started freaking out, I got constipated, and I began to freak out begging my friend to take me to the hospital. After about 4 more hours of this, we both agreed to take a single Xanax bar, and that helped me finally go to sleep. The next day I felt ok, things seemed a little different and I guess I knew to expect that temporarily. The day after that is when all my problems began to surface. I began to see an abnormal amount of floaters in my vision that move with my eyes, not on my own, and I also began to see afterimages of everything and I have also developed blue field entoptic phenomenon as well. These all pale in comparison to the anxiety which controls me. It’s now been 2 months (October 11, 2017) as I write this, and I haven’t been able to get good sleep on a consistent basis and I am extremely concerned that this is tearing my life apart. I can’t get the fact that I used acid out of my head. The floaters never subside unless I am in a dimly lit room, and I become extremely anxious and am not able to sleep easily at night. My social life has significantly deteriorated as well, as my friends love to smoke pot but I no longer do because I am afraid it will aggravate my HPPD. The girl who broke up with me the day of the trip gave me a second chance, but after acid I became completely obsessed with her to a point where it became necessary for her to remove me from her life, despite the fact that I was never like that with her before tripping, and I convinced myself that I could not live without her, which is downright creepy and not like the old me at all. She has called me psychotic on two different occasions since the breakup despite me not telling her anything I am suffering from. It has now been 3 weeks and my thoughts are still consumed by her and my HPPD. I haven’t smoked pot since 6 days before the trip, and since the trip I have taken one Xanax and drank on several occasions, which I have now stopped. I use an e cigarette every day and but I don’t drink caffeine. I have committed now to complete sobriety aside from the e cig, which I had quit previously for about 3 days, but did not alleviate any symptoms. I’m only 17 and I have my whole life ahead of me and right now I feel like it isn’t worth living if I have to deal with this. I made a mistake, one tab of acid, and I don’t know if I can deal with the reality that this may haunt me for the rest of my life. If this is truly permanent, I can’t see why I would want to continue to be a part of this world as it’s only been 2 months and the symptoms, however minor, are now unbearable. I cannot get professional help as my parents are non-believers in western medicine and would not send me to a psychiatrist unless I went full-blown insane. There is also no history of mental illness in my family. Any suggestion is welcome.

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Best bet is to calm down, it seems like you don't have HPPD, that's very good news. All that has happened is you are seeing some things that your brain used to ignore. What you are experiencing is very normal. You are obsessing over your girlfriend because things have ended. That is also normal and will pass. 

Just say away from alcohol and other drugs for as long as you can and you will be fine 

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Yep, stay calm.... 2 months will seem like a lifetime, but these symptoms can quickly fade, once you are living a healthy and sober life... Just give yourself a break, avoid stress... quite work/school/college if you need to. If you just need to sit and watch tv for 3 months, do it.. Whatever works to reduce stress and anxiety.

If you are still as anxious in another 2-3 months, then there are plenty of medications to explore. My advice is to avoid them for now though, get to grips with how you feel naturally.

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Looks like i'll have to follow Jay's advice aswell and drop college for a year.

 

I never drank alcohol (besides 1-2 times a year of binge), never smoked cigs, never did illegal drugs, but hppd/vs still hit me. I see no point in abstaining from cigs or alcohol from now on. I need a relief, a ''get out of my mind'' sensation. I lived a life of abstain from things that all of my friends did. And I still fucked my brain, and they didn't. Sad, sad existence with no profits in the end. Life is a fucking joke.

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7 hours ago, Jay1 said:

Yep, stay calm.... 2 months will seem like a lifetime, but these symptoms can quickly fade, once you are living a healthy and sober life... Just give yourself a break, avoid stress... quite work/school/college if you need to. If you just need to sit and watch tv for 3 months, do it.. Whatever works to reduce stress and anxiety.

If you are still as anxious in another 2-3 months, then there are plenty of medications to explore. My advice is to avoid them for now though, get to grips with how you feel naturally.

Hi Jay -

Unfortunately, I am a senior in high school, and a break from school is not a viable option for me. I would like to add that I never experience floaters or light trails outside of school, sometimes I’ll see the light trails at night when I look in bright lights. The only problem I have at home is getting high-quality sleep. Could this all be brought on by anxiety, or do I really have HPPD? Do you have any suggestions for how to manage this anxiety without benzodiazepines?

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It is hppd, trails and floaters are one of the symptoms that accompany hppd. I wouldn't suggest taking benzo, but since you already have hppd, you might aswell try to trake them when needed, or cycle 4 day on them and 3 days off of them.

 

If I were you, a senior in hs, i'd get myself some klonopin and do the cycles. Then i'd also take some propranolol. If I felt that I couldn't focus on anything because of anxiety, i'd even go on smoking pot. But carefully. 

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Floaters are not a symptom of hppd... i had them when i was 5 years old.... you are just studying your visual field alot... so will see things like floaters more... even Stewie Griffin gets them in an episode of family guy!

For anxiety... try meditation, breathing exercises etc first

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45 minutes ago, Jay1 said:

Floaters are not a symptom of hppd... i had them when i was 5 years old.... you are just studying your visual field alot... so will see things like floaters more... even Stewie Griffin gets them in an episode of family guy!

For anxiety... try meditation, breathing exercises etc first

Thank you for the advice Jay. I’m trying my best to not notice them / tell myself it’s okay and I’ll be okay. I feel like I may not actually have HPPD because all I really have are floaters in the sky when I go outside and my eyes are more sensitive to light now. I need to move past this and realize it’s a mistake I made in the past and can’t let it define me. Thanks for your help, I appreciate it!

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Yea, that doesn't sound like hppd, which is good news... There are easier ways to treat anxiety than hppd.

Try to wear sunglasses as much as possible for the light sensitivity. I cured mine by wearing sunglasses all the time for a few months (even indoors).

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Well, one floater isn't hppd, sure. But when the brain suddenly starts to observe 5-10 floaters, it is a sign that the brain is being stimulated/hyperactive.

If you have trails and floaters, I could only based on that say that you have hppd, the severity is up to you to decide. But if you have one tiny floater, then no hppd.

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Floaters literally have zero to do with hppd... nothing, nada. The only thing that is happening is that you are freaking out about this hppd thing you've heard of, and are scanning your visual field far more than you used to. It's that simple.

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@Jay1 i feel like it's more than scanning your visual field, i feel like a pathway in the brain was opened, the brain is no longer filtering out the floaters. because before hppd i didn't get any floaters, zip, nada. after i wouldn't be scanning my field at all and they're just there. i'm past the point of freaking out about hppd, i don't scan my field anymore, everything is just there always. 

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Either way, floaters themselves are not a symptom of hppd. Like I said, I had them since childhood. 

I'm just not sure it is wise that when someone sees a perfectly natural phenomenon... the verdict is hppd, just because it coincides with taking drugs. Just my opinion though.

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On 10/13/2017 at 5:14 PM, slowdancinginaburningroom said:

Thank you for the advice Jay. I’m trying my best to not notice them / tell myself it’s okay and I’ll be okay. I feel like I may not actually have HPPD because all I really have are floaters in the sky when I go outside and my eyes are more sensitive to light now. I need to move past this and realize it’s a mistake I made in the past and can’t let it define me. Thanks for your help, I appreciate it!

Check my posts out dude. I was bugging exactly like you, except my symptoms were much worse and I was going to college. Now, whenever I move somewhere, or turn my head, the object in my peripheral vision looks like it's moving towards me (i.e. a wall, ceiling, etc.), I have floaters a ton, blue entoptic not only when looking at a blue sky, but at a white sky, computer screen, white sheet of paper, white wall, etc. Even still, outside does not feel the same, and it feels almost like a movie with the lighting and colors and all, all after one tab of acid. Do I wish this shit was gone? Of course! Did I have suicidal thoughts when I had never even thought of such a thing beforehand? Yes. But either way, you have to be mentally strong and push through, while also stopping drug usage. This sounds like a shitty answer, but it's true. You need to do shit and get outside, and keep living. I actually disagree that you should just watch TV because it makes you feel comfortable. Only in cases of extreme anxiety should you consider such a thing, but asides from that, put the pressure on yourself. I have ADHD, and used to be a huge procrastinator, and this disease has forced me to get my work habits up without relying on a binge on adderall the night before an exam. Get better, and you'll be better.

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In the first 3 months, which is what we are discussing here, avoiding stress is the absolute key... If that is going out in nature, do it.. If that is going to the gym for 6 hours a day, do it... If that is watching tv all day, do it. Get through those early months and then start rebuilding... There is no pressure to start challenging hppd in those early months. This is all my opinion, of course, as with all of us. Just listen to your body.

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If you do in fact have HPPD, just realize it is your perception. Go to school,  or whatever you need to do! Stay away from drugs. Yes, life is every bit worth living! The brain is quite remarkable at re-routing, just give yourself time and don't panic. That was my first reaction also. Survive!!

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Im learning from this forum that HPPD is not simply our distorted perception but that actual change in the brain takes place. So, let me clarify my previous comment  to Slowmovinginaburningroom....The walls aren't really melting or breathing and the good thing is we have presence still to know that! The walls really aren't decorated with floating pink and blue Paisleys and we also know this. What is hard to "filter" is de-personalization and de-realization episodes. I still experience these and there are definitely triggers. Even so, just "knowing" that these are just part of HPPD keeps my boat steady and moving onward, whereas for most my years, 48 years with this, I never even heard these terms described. I so agree with Jay about avoiding certain prescriptions unwary Drs give.Also, Because it seems we are bombarded with stimuli ie. Colors movements, halos ,white noise etc etc , a calm life is essential. Things such as strobe lights, loud fast music, crowds, send me hiding in the woods! I wonder if other HPPD folks have sensory overload? God bless us all.

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It's all very interesting, myself in contrast actually become more calm with loud music in a club setting. The lights can be a little upsetting to the eyes but it's something that's not too bad but I can deal with. 

Im convinced however that my visual disturbences are due to my neck pain, that covers the upper spine, neck and eyes.  

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I was a big time party freak before I met my girlfriend and kinda mellowed out the year we were together, so after we broke up I kinda jumped right back into it, I started doing a lot of benzos because they made me feel numb, in the HPPD state I feel everything and the feeling is multiplied, so these were a quick addiction for me, although my HPPD subsided. I continued partying and doing drugs until I went to my freshman semester of college at, you guessed it WVU. As soon as I got down there I made some bad friends and was robbing people and doing pills and smoking like never before, I eventually had a close call and dropped out and returned home, when I got home I did the same old thing, robbed people and did pills, and I really needed something to change my life around quick. Then one night I was staying in a motel with a friend when he pulls out an ounce of mushrooms, Ahhhhh my friends at last. He asked me if he cared if he ate some, and i said as long as I can eat some with you. It had been really long since i tripped and this friend was my best friend for the past two years so I decided i was in a good environment with one friend, fuck it. We started tripping, and it was a trip like I had never had before, I ate 4.3 grams of caps and we blasted off into the unknown, after a while of tripping and happy laughs good visuals, we had to go sell a half ounce to someone about 20 minutes away, so we drove there just talking, no music the whole time. We talked about life and about where we were at and if we were happy. On the way back i started to notice that my eyes were going lazy and i was seeing one road for each eye that I had, So I was double visioned basically. I found it extremely hard to fight this so I just focused on one road and drove perfectly all the way back, when we got there we were still conversing and heading to get food, all the sudden, epiphany after epiphany, my vision closed in and formed one extremely clear picture, like I have never seen anything before and It was while I was saying how I needed to quit doing drugs and focus on my body and spiritual health, My friend says we opened our third eye, and I believed it, my whole life changed that day and i started loving psychedelics again, buying and using daily, I would micro-dose, i would take .5 in the morning and .5 around 3-6 pm, even though i wasn't doing it right i thought i was okay because i was only micro-dosing. I started getting into meditation and yoga and all these spiritual things, I had a few epiphanies while meditating that were very radical, like one was I felt a telepathic connection with the universe and was thinking with consciousness, I say consciousness because the image that came along with the thought was telling me that consciousness is one, we are all the same, so the first thing i thought to ask was whats the point of life? The response; Love, the point of life is to love everything and everyone, because no matter if I am human and dog is dog, we are both alive, thriving on this planet together, so If i have the knowledge to care for life on this planet I must.  This short lived high point in my life quickly faded weeks after when I noticed that I was tripping all the time again... It has been about 4 months since then and I am in the worst place ever, I cannot get myself to work, I cannot eat, I sleep surprisingly well though still. I have had crazy thoughts that pop into my head along with my visuals, like i saw visual snow, and i thought "well what if it is really something out there that I can see but nobody else can.." or "well if i believe that this room is moving then in my reality.. it really is moving.." And i become scared of these thoughts even though I don't believe them, It scares me to know that my brain is thinking them. I have debated suicide many nights, I consider myself a fuck up and a failure for all these evens that have happened, and now that Im thinking so much i begin to debate whether or not I am going crazy, I used to be such a smart kid, being able to off any teacher because I would find ways to prove them wrong, or being able to win any debate with friends because I knew more about the subject, I went from that to being the awkward kid who doesn't really talk a lot and has been sick twice in two weeks so he missed four days of work. I am beginning to fear that I can no longer do this. Hope this story was put together decently for you, I tend to get off topic sometimes, any thoughts comments would be appreciated dearly.   
       
      -E
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