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Hallucinogen Persisting Perception Disorder (HPPD) Support Forum
SeekingLife

Feel like I can't experience any emotions anymore and outside is overwhelming

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Hey guys, 

So I posted last week about some visual symptoms that I've been going through, but I have some other issues I'd like to speak on. For one, I feel like I can't "feel" any emotions in my head. I was hanging with a friend yesterday, and laughed a decent amount, even really hard at one point, but never "felt" in my head that it was funny. I purposely tried to evoke sadness by watching some sad videos yesterday, and felt nothing. It's not like I don't feel like I'm in the world like DP/DR stuff, but it's more a legitimate lack of being able to feel any emotions in my head. Another thing that tends to make me irritated with lack of recovery is when I go outside. In the morning, I feel pretty normal, up until I go outside and just observe. I'm home from college right now, and outside just doesn't look right. I don't know how to describe it, but it's almost overwhelming how not OK I am just looking outside. There's no visuals or anything, but the world outside, the world I grew up in right outside of my house, doesn't feel the same. I can't just hole up inside, so if anyone could give me any tips I would appreciate it.

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Yeah, those definitely sound like classic DP-DR symptoms. You might wanna see a therapist if you aren't already. Working out has helped me a lot too. 

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@TheMythos@K.B.Fante Really? I mean, there were days where I felt so much worse a couple weeks ago, like where it legitimately felt like I wasn't myself anymore, and that I was looking at the world through some fuzzy glass. It was extremely difficult to talk to people, and they were probably the worst days of my life. Now, I feel much more grounded, and can talk to people, but just don't feel the sensations of emotions in my head. The outside thing, in more detail, feels like my vision is sort of worse, and every time I look at patterns outside, like this one pebble garden or trees, there's a slight vibrating sensation where my eyes don't fully focus on the tree. But the weird thing is, none of this happens inside. Inside my house, I feel almost entirely identical to my old self, aside from slight visual changes. I noticed this in my dorm too back at college. It's just as soon as I step outside, the lighting and overall environment feels super, I don't know, large and imposing. 

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Seeking life...the description of not feeling right outside is exactly how I felt at early onset of HPPD. It was a sense of not being fully present and As I have mentioned elsewhere this sense was the very worst symptom of HPPD.

Perhaps it is helpful just to realize that this is a true symptom that others of us also have experienced.

Give yourself time. Let your brain find another pathway. 

Zoom in on what interests you outdoors, a tree, the ferns the water, the moon and stars. Then the sense of having your feet on the ground will come closer. That is my experience anyway.

Edited by Kaleidoscope
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This also sounds like depression.  Sometimes depression can make you hyper aware of your emotions as the brains bombards you with negative messages.  Another symptom of depression can be a feeling of being emotionally numb.  I guess depression and DP/DR are like circles that intersect.  Depression is pretty common in people who have recently given up drugs and/or alcohol.  It takes a while for the brain to feel good in an unaltered state.  

I'm no expert on any of these disorders but, like most humans, I've gone a few rounds with depression.  It's a tough opponent.  

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On 4/22/2018 at 1:18 PM, MadDoc said:

This also sounds like depression.  Sometimes depression can make you hyper aware of your emotions as the brains bombards you with negative messages.  Another symptom of depression can be a feeling of being emotionally numb.  I guess depression and DP/DR are like circles that intersect.  Depression is pretty common in people who have recently given up drugs and/or alcohol.  It takes a while for the brain to feel good in an unaltered state.  

I'm no expert on any of these disorders but, like most humans, I've gone a few rounds with depression.  It's a tough opponent.  

Can you give us a brief history of your struggle with depression? Did you have anxiety too?

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After I quit dosing, I had problems with anxiety and depression through most of my 20s.  I self medicated with alcohol and I became something of a workaholic just to keep my mind occupied.  When I was busy, I felt ok, when I was drinking, I didn't care, but I could never feel centered.  My depression and anxiety went hand in hand.  My brain was constantly full of negative chatter that would never shut up.  It made me feel worthless no matter what I accomplished.  I also constantly put myself down for being such a "burn out" because of the cronic  visual hallucinations and CEVs.

The anxiety/depression got better once I stopped drinking (I was around 30),  my meditation practice (here I go again) finally shut up the negative mental dialogue, and I started jogging around the same time which also helped.

I still get the winter blues when the days get short, but it usually doesn't stick around for long.  These days, everything just rolls off like I'm coated with Teflon.  Part of getting older I guess.  

That's how I remember it.  My 20s were a long time ago.

Edited by MadDoc
Foolish typing

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