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Mike Smoker

Just stop complaining, maybe? Long post, my story.

9 posts in this topic

This post does not mean to hurt anyones fealing, it is my own story, and you are free to do with your disorder whatever you want.

First of all i want to tell you my story, so you wouldn't think that i am some kind of hater or something. My name is Mike, I am 20 y.o and i am from Moscow. I've had hppd for more then a year. My acid life started with shrooms when i was 18, and i was smoking weed since 17. After my first girlfriend broke up with me cause i was smoking too much, i had a very hard time. We were together for more than 3 years and i loved her a lot. So after that happend my life changed, i started to hang out and party. So in few months i tried LSD, i thought it was it, but actually it was 25-NBOMe, i found out that much later on. It went well and felt good so i decided to continue my psychodelics experience. I were not a sitter, but a guide for lots of people into the psychodelics world, hope you know the difference. We were taking 2CB, TMA-2, 2-C-T-2, 2CI, DOM, DOB, DOI, pure lsd in sugar, in stamps, microdots, i was getting myself ready for mescaline and DMT. All the trips went well, for me and the people i guided, even now some of them still thank me. I was good at it and I were treating that seriously, had alone trips and felt confident with my self. I took not huge doses, but damn they were not small at all. I smoked weed every time i used psychodelics, and were absolutely sure that they dont really affect you without it, so i made everyone smoke it if i felt they were ready to go deeper. In all this life i kind of lost this momet when all my friends i used to have changed to the people that are users, who used me for fun, drugs, place to party, money and experience, which i all had. And the girl i was with at that moment was a fucking junkie bitch. And the only things i did was attending clubs and smoking weed, taking different shit, drinking alcohol and listening to that techno shit. I didnt study, didnt work, lost my hobbies, and even that i had lots of people around me all the time, i was alone. And i had that 2 close friends of mine, i knew one was a user, but i concidered another one as my best friend. So that one summer day i bought 10 stamps of lsd for me and maybe for my friends, but it was optional. I overrated my confidence maybe, or had a bad set/setting, or my life that time were fucked up, or people who were around me screwed me down, i dont know what was the main reason, i think all of that did it thing. So i took 2 stamp, like i usually did, after a few weeks break with acid, and i were alone, needed to meet my friends in the club later night, cause it was gesaffelstein coming to Moscow for his concert. One of my friends, the user one, came to my place as he usually did without telling me. I was already in effect. So we smoked some weed, and he said that he needed to go to another club before the main one, so smoked few bongs, and when he exhaled , i saw something flying from his mouth right in my face, so i dodged it. And he asked me if i got myself into a badtrip. I said that i were fine, so he left a minute after, and stayed alone for few hours, to have some personal time and get ready for party. And after few minutes that he left, everything i saw was starting to get covered by black worms or some shit like that .i rushed to a door to catch up on that guy, but it was too late, and i couldnt open a door, because of worms, so my mind started to panic. Worms started to crawl in my throat and i started to choke. I tried to use my phone but it was off charge so i calmed myself down and started to charge it and think about something else. I cald my best friend and asked him to come for few hours, said that i will pay for his taxi there and back, but he dumped me, so i called that guy, but felt complete misunderstanding. Like we all lived in different worlds. So this trip faded somehow and i couldnt believe that i had a bad trip, but that time i were still fine, no sight of HPPD at all. I even went go gym the next day, for the first time in a year maybe, and worked my ass of, were swiming and going to sauna in summary of 5 hours. And even stopped smoking cigarettes, but the next day i started again. I were not angry at my friends for not helping me so in a week, me and my best friend were sitting at my place talking about that, and we somehow finished that blotter of 7 stamps. The trip were fine, and we were having a lot of fun, but then one motherfucker showed up, the one that sold me that stamps, with his friend, was mocking me and i felt negative coming out of him, like it was in the air. But i was okay, we smoked alot, and they left. So the atmosphere became quite and in few minutes i had that badtrip repeat again. I standed up and said, "guys, i think i am about to have a bad trip" and the girl that were our sitter said "bye bye". I was like "what-a-fuck" i felt like she spitted in my face or something. And that day the worms were different, they came from underneaths the surfaces, not over them. They were cracking threw the wooden floor, ripping the walls and under my skin, this fucking worms. I saw the cracks and felt them crawling. I triend to control them but no good. So this trip faded as the last one, but i still was in the aftereffects, as i thought back then. I had to go visit my mom that day, and i dont visit her very often, and we dont talk alot, never had a good conection. So i had like a 1-2 hours sleep, and one of the guys i know, he is a taxi driver, came to my place to pick me up. So i were in the car, 1 hour road, rolling weed on the front seat, making myself feel worse, i dont even know why. I had a bottle of beer with me, but in the middle i felt very bad and started to throw up on the side of the highway. So i came in the house, and acted normal, no one noticed anything. But i couldnt sleep, there were few nightmares every time i tried to sleep, and i couldnt sleep for more than 2-4 hours, and in my dreems i had a different scenarios of my badtrips going over and over again, i felt so fucked up so i finished 2 bottles of whiskey in 4 days alone just so i could sleep and calm down. And i was still smoking weed, i felt like it was it helping me. But the aftereffects didnt plan to go away at all, so i started my reading on the internet and found that HPPD thing. I felt so broke i told everything to my mom crying on the floor, about the acid and the cocaine, and all the partying and how i felt alone and my sexual problems i had, and my depressions and unrealisation of my plans and ambitions. And i asked her to help me somehow. She said that it is all my own fault, and that i am young and will be fine ( i were 19 that time) and that she can put me in rehab or a menthal clinic if i felt like it. I didnt so i went back home to the place it all happened into. By that moment i had pretty severe simptoms, not a single object were static, and the huge, huge blue hurracanes all over the sky were brinning molecules and atoms from ground to the space, and every power cord or headphones were crawling to me, head pressure were very hard, travelling threw different parts of my head. I dont know how i lived that moment threw, i think wiskey and weed helped. After that moment i was still smoking but i started to overthink about my life and everything. I felt like it is simullar to sexual disorder when you are afraid of failure and the only cure is a succesful sexual contact. And i thought that if i would have a good thip then i would cure myself and be fine, cause all my life i were sure that i am the best sitter for myself, and a terapist and the advisor, like anyone is for himself. So after 9 days i came home (13 from the trip) i bought lsd microdots and for me and my friends, and some hashish. So we were walking in the park, and in some moment i felt like it the last day of my life, i will go mad and will not be myself anymore, even before the trip started. But in some point i felt like "fuck it, i am gonna die today anyway, so lets spend this few land hours or minuter fun" and kinda got myself into the acid stream i used to be good at. And the evening went alright, we were talking and smoking and having fun, but when i decided to go to sleep, and stay alone a little i went to my bedroom. Trip was still a bit on, but then i saw the sealing open, and this worms, but now more like tentacles, coming out of it and coming right into my eyes, right in the black part, didnt felt it, but tears went out of them, i dont know why. It was not scary at all. So the next day after that i felt lile i cured, and even said it to everyone, were laughing at myself few days ago and felt fine. But few days after it all came back, but a bit different already. No more blue hurracanes were spotted. And the dp/dr came. Few weeks later, me and my best friend were hanging out at his house, cause i was fully out of money. I had some kind of a flew and ear inflammation. He bought medicine, alcohol and acid for me, it was 2CI, half a gram. So we both nearly finished it in 2 days, nazally, exept 2 pils that ee made, one for him, and one for me. That trip was not bad at all, and i felt that my simtoms are changing again, and i even had a theory that every acid had different HPPD symptoms. So i got my money and decided to go back home for a rest, so jumped in the random cab. And felt like talking to the taxi driver gaved me more than talking to my "best" friend for that 2 days. On the way home i asked my neighbor to give me some weed, and he did. The acid was already nearly over, so i wamted to smoke a joint and go to sleep. But when i did, hppd went out of control, and the 2CI trip came back, and were not good at all. I were suffering for few hours, distracting myself with everything. Before weed i saw this worms somewhere behind the trip, but could control them. After that there were a big acid break, and i went for a vacation to thailand and cambodia, and there i wen crazy, i did meth coke mdma and lots of local weed. And in the mornings i were in the temples praying to budda for my friends and family. I think that helped me, bothbof the activities. And by then i started to realize who is around be, and slowly started to minimize my friendship with some people. One more experience i did was DOB, i took 3 times less then i took it before, and it was much much tougher, and in the end i saw some king of black ghosts. And that was even without weed, maybe on the 18th hour of the trip. It was last but one time i experimented with psychodelics. At that moment its been few months since start of HPPD and i were very broken and close to suicide, cause that user friend was a manipulator and didnt want to lose a big piece of the pie that i was, slowly ruining my life, self confidence, and the personality a had. So i called my grandmother, the closest person i ever had, and the best person in this world for me, and told her that i am so close to my end that i needed her help. So she arranged a visit to some kind of a shaman in a different city, saint-petersburg, that is 700km away from Moscow, and after that i had to fly to israel for 1,5 months for treatment. Israel is where she lived,and the place i spended a year in summary, and had lots of GOOD friends. So i went on the train, and somehow destiny desided that i am still needed for something. I contacted a girl that i met on one of my home partyes, we talked like twice maybe by that time. And suddenly she came to pick me up from the train. She were dating my friend in moscow by that time, not like even dating, sex a few times. So me and ger started partying the first day. Next day i went to the shamen, not like i really believed in what he was doing, but grandmother did, so i went threw that. Some thay that something changed but i dont thing its from that. So me and that girl started to party and have fun in the most beautiful winer city of Russia. I coulndt get weed there, so were very active and drinked alot when we hanged out. She showed me some local clubs, and snowy rooftop. And by that time, that friend of mine, the one she was with, said that he didnt want any relationships, and the after me and her had a great sex, and again, and again, and again. Right until i left on the plane to Israel. She signed me photos from the photo booth with very warm words and I did the same for her. She was crying when i left, so much romance there was. And i can tell you, my friend, that it helped me much more than any pill, trip or a shaman. I thought i would never see her again, besides that her guy supposed to visit her on Friday and I left on Wednesday, so like in 2 days. But in Israel we kept chatting, and I was spending lots of my time on my phone. The guy came they and they had sex, but in the end she refused him cause he didn’t want anything serious, and still sorry she did that to me, but i didn’t really mind that time, cause the feeling were different. Of course it affected my feelings. In Israel my treatment was visiting the therapist for daily neurofeedback therapy, i went to dentist, and 3 of my teeth were dead of drugs, the other ones i started taking after HPPD (before very rare). I also was doing sports few times a day to fix my back pains i had since a teen. I was not doing any chemicals, but I was smoking lots of Israeli weed, normal one and medical, illegally. I’ve met my old friends I haven’t seen a long time, and they reminded me who I really am, and kind of brought my personality back, after that manipulator friend I had back in Moscow, whose goal was to make me weak and depended in him, at least feel like that. He was convincing me i had issues with ladies, and social ones, and drug problems. Cause of weed i had bad memory, so I was forgetting bad things and it also helped him, in both ways, to make me feel stupid and forget moments where I could spot him. It sounds crazy but that dick is professional, and was not even hiding his purposes too deep. After that time I came to Moscow and this girl comes and we start dating, then she leaves and I had to go to Maldives for my mother’s birthday for few weeks. She always spends it there, nearly every year, and most of the time she lives in Dubai, and only in summer comes to Russia. I wanted to say bye to this manipulators before i go, like a lot of times before that, but that time i was damn serious. So me and him met up and he somehow used his fucking magic and we are best friends again. And you realize it only a day or two he is not around you. I was so angry at myself and surprised how the fuck is this even possible. Maldives was also a big help for me, cause there were no drugs on a tiny island, only alcohol that i already stopped liking. I also found a great hobby that made me feel great, it was underwater diving, and maldives is a best for that in whole world. I got my first level diving licence, like i always wanted and felt so cool and proud of myself, and i am not even saying anything about what i saw there. But the problem i had was that i on the 4th day of diving felt myself very dizzy in the evening after the boat, so i looked it up and found out that there is a psychological sickness, when this land sickess does not go away for years, and got very scared my HPPD got interacted with it somehow and now i have it also, of course that a bit ruined my greatest mood, and the next day i felt the same, even though before i never had this kind of thing, and were riding boats. Next dive were great and i felt like its over, but when i came on the land i got even more severe, so i got damn scared. But it went away in few days, right as i smoked a joint back home, but the flight back was very bad. The flight itself was fine, but when we stopped moving, i felt so fucked up i could barely walk. But it went away, and i feel, maybe not, but it seems like simular to HPPD, correct me if you think i am wrong. So came home stayed there for few days and went to dubai for 6 days. Before the journey, i tried to abandon thag manipulator again but failed, as usual. Nothing to tell about dubai, really. Just one more little rehab without drugs for me. So i came back home then took the keys of my mothers apartment in saint petersburg and went my girlfriend. So i was living in saint petersburg with her, she met me with her friends and we partyed and we were taking lots of mdma (not too much :) ) , speed, drinking and smoking weed. Smoking daily, and mostly i was. We fall in love with each other, and i felt like i thought i would never feel again. And that did helped me alot. Therapists gave me different pills, risperidone, some tranx, but i never took any of them. And i trully believe that pills make you worse. So after that i said to my gf that i cant stay in that city forever and need to go home, and invited her to live with me. She accepted that, and we started living together. By that time my "best" friend (hope you are following the subject, this friend is not manipulator) found himself a new company, one lightly drug addicred girl (she was taking microdoses of mephedrone), who was living close to my place. And we started to hang out. I didnt said to that manipulator that i am in Moscow, so it was calm, but then he found out and once he was like "hey, dude, im gonna be in your place in 20 minutes for like a half an hour" and i asked my gf and that friend, if they want to see him, more like a joke. And they all know him, my gf knows him for 3 years and we met indirectly because of his ex, who brought her to that house party of mine. Every one said yeah, okay, let him in, so i did, and i hat a lot of weed, so we started smoking, making blants and blowing bongs like crazy, so i was very high. And the girls went to my bedroom, and they had some mephedrone on them, and it was laying on my table. I warned them that he is not supposed to see that, cause he will go mad, even though he used to be a methhead. But they just left it there, and once when he came in he saw it, and the wick got on fire. He started screaming what the fuck, girls said like leave it alone, he said that it is mine, they said that is is not, he said that because it is on my table means its mine, and my gf called me from another room, i came in, tried to calm him down, and get away from that room, and i did, but my gf ran of the room saying something provocative, so he rushed back and it all ended that this manipulator left, to the club, but forgot the bag, so he called in few hours to pick it up, i said its not the beat time now, but he had keys to his apartment in it, so he needed it. And in my place the girls had hysterics because of that, both, fucking our braings out. So i said to my gf, that i will try to make him apologize, and he didnt know that we were together. So i wrote him about it, and we met in an hour on my staircase so they dont see eachother with my gf. We started talking, actually he started talking, washing my brains, that my gf is a bitch, mercantile, jumps from guy to guy and that she is crazy, and that i better run. She somehow heard that, but instead of starting to cry or shout, she took a huge painteg with gold paint brick, ant threw it right on his head in the staircase. Missed a little bit and broke his arm, nothing secious just a crack, and also hitted me in the leg but just a scratch. So he said " you see that, run bro" and left. Of course hysterics was just getting started. So the next day i wanted to see him to leave him once and for all, and make it that way so he dont go the police. Ive met him near a club and he did a lot of work to wash my brains off, and i started to doubt the girl i love, the one that brought me back to life. And in 4 hours of brainwash it ended up that me and him went to my place to talk about some shit to my gf, trying to make us break up, as i totaly see it now, but then i thought differently. So came in, didnt reallt said anything, couldnt prove his words, just took lots of energy and nerves and left, leaving a hurracane of hysterics for the 9 days nonstop. But luckly it was the last day ive seen him, cause i never answered back. Later we were living like friends and took lots of speed and mephedrone, which i didnt really like, but stimulants are best for HPPD, they even make you feel better. Never took any exept some little very rare cocaine before HPPD .After that moment the problems was not yet over cause i still had that "best" friend around me, with his drugaddict girl, and didnt yet knew what was it all about. Long story short it ended up that he is was a good friend of my enemy, this fucking dealer that sold me weed 3 times the price when i didnt know yet, and brought me that stamps, that turns out to be 25I-NBOMe instead of LSD and my best friend knew about it, and he didnt say, and he was still friends with both of us, and once this dealer showed up at my door, looking for that "best" friend, and the bitch is lucky i got rid of my gun cause i would start fireing right in the motherfuckers face. And the point is that when they talked to eachother later in messages he was threading me, and friend didnt say a shit. Felt so fucking helpless that time, and said to that "best" friend not to call me or come into my place untill he is friends to that guy. So he left and never called again, it was few months ago. And when he left, he took that chick with him, and my chemical drugs stopped, we started living normally with my girlfriend. All this time i smoked weed daily, lots of times a day, sometimes 1-2 grams of weed every day. But recently i went to terapst, and i am not even talking alot about HPPD, cause i felt like i didnt recover but overcomed it, in the way to fully do that. And therapist made me think my head a bit, and i decided to make a break on weed, and its my 6th day today, and its kinda tought but i will make it. Ane moke then three months without chemicals. Most of chemicals started after hppd, exept acids, they were all before. And now i will go to university again, and will try for the third time. I started doing my hobbies again. And sexual troubles i had went away. So the thing i am writing it too. I can say HPPD indirectly changed my life to the better. It does not bother me alot, even under drugs. Just dont mix weed and acid, thats a bad idea for the one who is having HPPD. But i want to say that, even though i went it all threw, i dont really believe it exists, because if you try to discribe your symptoms to a healthy person, and he will start noticing, anyone, even the one who never took psychodelics will find this simptoms on him. So stop fucking complaining, stop recovering, and start to overcome. Because i know alot of people, who was born with it severe. And they eat psychedelics and smoke weed, and love night and life. And i know people who got it from psychedelics and keep on living their life like nothing happended. I feel like it is similar to that issue I had during diving. I just made it up, got scared and fucked my mood up. Stop thinking about it; stop reading about, visiting forums and shit. It makes it worse, trust me.

This is a true story, of real people. Feel free to ask any questions, or contact me personally on hameleon2017@yandex.ru

I would like to hear what you think about that, my friend. Be healthy, and live a life you want, you are not disabled or injured in any was, maybe thats just a sign for you to change something.

Mike Smoker Russia, Moscow

Edited by Mike Smoker
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I didn't read all of it, just skimmed it and read the end where you basically called us a bunch of complainers and whiners.

Your symptoms are not indicative of the severity of anyone else's. Some people take longer to recover than others and some people are genuinely afraid when they first get hppd and need support and reassurance. That's what this forum is for.

The fact is you didn't really have hppd. If you did, drugs are just going to fuck you up worse over the years and you're making a mistake with your continued drug use. But that's your choice.

Whether you believe in it or not doesn't mean it isn't real.

Edited by TheMythos
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I'd have probably wrote this kind of nonsense when I had pre-hppd too and was in denial about how drugs were affecting me.

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13 hours ago, TheMythos said:

I didn't read all of it, just skimmed it and read the end where you basically called us a bunch of complainers and whiners.

Your symptoms are not indicative of the severity of anyone else's. Some people take longer to recover than others and some people are genuinely afraid when they first get hppd and need support and reassurance. That's what this forum is for.

The fact is you didn't really have hppd. If you did, drugs are just going to fuck you up worse over the years and you're making a mistake with your continued drug use. But that's your choice.

Whether you believe in it or not doesn't mean it isn't real.

 

9 hours ago, Jay1 said:

I'd have probably wrote this kind of nonsense when I had pre-hppd too and was in denial about how drugs were affecting me.

Oh,  I am sorry, have I hurted your feelings?  What you got so offended by?  You haven’t even paid respect to finish reading my story, the one I spend lots of time and nerves to write. So as I see you don’t have any questions you would like to ask. Than if you let me, I would like to ask you some.  How are you feeling? How your fasting experience went? How your therapy did go on? Medication helps or makes it worse? I am not trying to be sarcastic (yet) , I am truly interested, even though you wrote a very mean answer  to my post, that I specially wrote for  people like me and you, who are in trouble.  What made you think I don’t have HPPD ?  that I don’t cry about my symptoms? That I don’t say that I want to kill myself because of it?i had one, and it was very tough. I were very close to my end.  I hear a lot of jealousness in your words, cause you can’t believe that 20 yo guy from Russia achieved more progress in shorter period of time then you did. I am truly sorry for your situation. I could imagine,  8 years of nightmare. But you could at least pay a little respect for my opinion and effort.  By the amount of posts you made I see that you don’t get of this forums and forums like that. That’s exactly what I am talking about and by the speed of your answer you just proved me right. Maybe you haven’t understood my metaphor about existing of HPPD. Let me explain than. It does exist, o-kay, YeaH? I just meant that it is not something physical or even a mental issue or even a brain damage, its just a type of mindset. Perhaps, If you had managed to fully read what I wrote you would found it explained there.  And if you are worried about your brain, than you could visit neurologist and make yourself electroencephalogram, its cheap and painless, and will tell you everything you want to know about your brain. I did them, and my brain is fine, except memory damaged by lots of smoking, in case you want to tell me I am making shit up.

Maybe the way I told my story was a little bit aggressive but that’s the way I talk, deal with it.

I understand that your own sickness always hurts the most, but it does not give you the right to tell me that I am fine. I still have symptoms, lots of them, but I don’t bother. I expected lost of negative, but I wrote this post for 1-2 people who after reading will say or feel like “ wow, I overthinked  my problem and feeling better” hoping there will be people like that.

Ive also spend lots of time on this problem, on researches, therapists and people who are also sick. Doctors in Russia, in Israel. Also reading this forum too.

Let me make that straight for the lazy ones

1)      Pills don’t help. They mostly make it worse.

2)      Reading about it and forums makes it worse. Also talking and thinking about it.

3)       Mixing drugs makes it worse. But it does not mean that you don’t have to take drugs at all, just go easy.

4)      Putting yourself in abstention of things you like to do, even if they are not recommended, makes it worse. Because you always feel will to do what you cant and in nervous tension.

Now lets talk about what’s makes it better

1) Talking therapy wits a good doctor  helps a lot

2) Girlfriend that supports you would be a good idea (I am lucky to have one)

3) hobbies and some physical activities helps, maybe would be good to rest somewhere on the beach for few weeks, or where you like to spend your vacation.

4) moving to a new place also helps, away from the one it all happened into.

5) meditation helps also

6)maybe you need to rethink something in your life and change it, it could be anything.

I don’t know any other clues but that works for me

Still think that I am a stupid kiddo? Okay than, write few more hundred posts about it. No offence.

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It's your condescending tone and telling people that their suffering doesn't matter. How do you expect people to react when you come out of the gate swinging?

Oh yeah, I skimmed your post again. Didn't see much worth reading.

 

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6 minutes ago, TheMythos said:

It's your condescending tone and telling people that their suffering doesn't matter. How do you expect people to react when you come out of the gate swinging?

Oh yeah, I skimmed your post again. Didn't see much worth reading.

 

in where did you found my tone condescending at all? i made this post for people who really suffer not the ones who want to show off and make everyone a pitty of themselfes. i never said that the peoples pain doest matter. its you who said that i am fine and my pain doest matter. you dont pay any respect at all. why are you here in the first place? you just have nothing to do or what? dude, i thought you are smarter\

Edited by Mike Smoker
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you got me wrong, i explained myself and you even dont bother to read my explanation and the REAL CURING way. well up to you! i wish you health and luck, even thoght you are very mean! peace everyone

Edited by Mike Smoker
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