kyneapples

I really need help.

10 posts in this topic

Hey guys, I just signed up for this site as a bit of a last ditch effort to give me a reason to cling onto existence, I'll try and give you some back story so you can get into my headspace. last year I took some mushrooms for the first time, on my own in my dingy little basement room while I listened to Dark Side of the Moon by Pink Floyd for the first time (which was amazing by the way). I felt every pillar of my humanity get stripped away until I wasn't this particular "I" anymore, I was as much me as I was my bed or the trees outside or indeed the entire universe. This sudden shift in mental state changed my life forever, I had never felt like such an integral part of life before, never felt so much meaning in nothing. Unfortunately I could never seem to get back into that mode of being without the aid of psychedelics, I became absolutely obsessed with spirituality and spent most days listening to Alan Watts or Terrence McKenna and just meditating constantly, and although I could remember that feeling of oneness with the universe and although I understood all that I was reading about conceptually, I could never LIVE it. At this time I was smoking a lot of weed and drinking fairly heavily (i'm 25 by the way) but I never had anxiety or anything I was just that guy that constantly smoked weed but still went to work fine and all that. I became so obsessed with getting back to that space of inner peace that I started binging on psychedelics, which is a fucking stupid thing to do, I realise now. I locked myself in my room for a week and just kept eating mushrooms until it just became normal reality but after that week I sorted myself and carried on normally in life for a while (although still obsessed with attaining enlightenment). a couple of months later I found a website online where you could legally buy 1P-LSD (a prodrug to LSD, this was last summer when it was still legal to buy in the UK) and I bought 75 125ug tabs for like £100 or something. Me and some friends just spent the entire summer tripping every other day, until that fateful day... 

Me and my best friend Dylan took 5 tabs each along with some hawian baby woodrose seeds (which was the stupidest thing I've ever done). the trip started off fun until Dylan started saying "we've gone too far" and proceeded to run around the house looking for a way to kill himself as he was convinced that death was already on it's way and he didn't want to suffer anymore, the seeds be ate and restricted our breathing to a point that it was like we were breathing through straws, we ended up getting stuck in a "time loop" where right at the end we both felt the moment of death approaching. OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER. Then what felt like years later, Dylan got it in his head that I was trying to kill him, So he pounced on me to kill me first so that I couldn't kill him. I managed to escape and run home through the dark streets, visuals still going crazy. as I was running home I had to accept to myself that my best friend was probably going to kill himself and that I had ran away from it to save myself. I woke up in the morning but something wasn't right, as my eyes focused I noticed that all the colours on my duvet had sort of like a glow around them, and they melted together. I heard a door creak and instead of sounding like a creak it sounded like people screaming (very unsettling) everything  just looked off and wiggly. I messaged Dylan and thank fucking god he was still alive, I've never been so relieved in my life. 

Since that day I have gradually got worse and worse to be honest, I haven't smoked weed in 6 months (it's been a year since the incident) as it seems to make the visuals worse and I get panic attacks constantly. I'm sorry that this post is a bit of a mess there's so much that's happened in this last year but I'm not much of a writer. I have the worst anxiety ever now and I'm convinced i'm going schizophrenic because my brain just doesn't seem right anymore, all of my thoughts and feelings are connected in some paradoxical way with the visual aspect but I just can't explain it and when I talk to my friends about it they just don't get it at all. I've turned into the most negative person on the planet, I just hate everything and everyone, save a few things. I watch tv and everyones face looks all acidy and their eyes shrink and expand, everybody just looks like an alien to me now and I've never felt so disconnected from it all! I really don't know what to say but the past few months I've been really coincidering killing my self, there's not a day that goes by that I don't think about how I would do it, I want to think that I could eventually feel better, I just don't believe it. The thought that I will never see my mums actual face ever again makes me feel like such shit... i'll never see anything like the way it really is again. I really feel like i'm cursed, this doesn't feel like an illness it feels like a curse. I can't even work anymore I just spend my days shut in my room because when i'm outside everythings just too bright and loud and I've just given up. again i'm sorry that i'm not particularly eloquent with my writing I just need help guys.... 

Edited by kyneapples
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First off, don't panic.  Separate the difficult experience you had from the symptoms you're having and focus on what you're dealing with now.  You took a big dose of psychedelics.  You're experiencing visual and mental anomolies.  It's been six months but that's not much time if you've suffered a brain alteration/rewiring/trauma.  You haven't done anything wrong and you haven't been a bad person.  You're dealing with the after effects of a powerful experience.  It will probably take some time but try to get focused and move on with your life.  I say that because that's what helped me.  You're refraining from psychoactive substances which is very important.  I can't stress enough, it's going to be OK.  If you're seriously thinking about checking out PLEASE get some help.  I have constant visuals and have had them for 40 years but every day feels like a gift.  Hang in there and please keep posting.  Also, spend some time reading the posts on this site.  There are a lot of bright people who post here.

Oh, BTW, your writing is excellent.  

Edited by MadDoc
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If you don't do drugs again you'll get better. Given how bad your HPPD is it will take a long time, but eventually you can get to a place of peace as long as you're willing to endure the pain and work hard enough to regain your health. Eat right, exercise every day, turn your life around and you'll see progress as long as you give yourself time. Also, read this forum as there's plenty of advice about how to recover. 

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14 hours ago, MadDoc said:

First off, don't panic.  Separate the difficult experience you had from the symptoms you're having and focus on what you're dealing with now.  You took a big dose of psychedelics.  You're experiencing visual and mental anomolies.  It's been six months but that's not much time if you've suffered a brain alteration/rewiring/trauma.  You haven't done anything wrong and you haven't been a bad person.  You're dealing with the after effects of a powerful experience.  It will probably take some time but try to get focused and move on with your life.  I say that because that's what helped me.  You're refraining from psychoactive substances which is very important.  I can't stress enough, it's going to be OK.  If you're seriously thinking about checking out PLEASE get some help.  I have constant visuals and have had them for 40 years but every day feels like a gift.  Hang in there and please keep posting.  Also, spend some time reading the posts on this site.  There are a lot of bright people who post here.

Oh, BTW, your writing is excellent.  

Thanks I think separating the experience from my symptoms has really been difficult for me, it's like i'm my own worst enemy as I know that thinking about the experience makes my symptoms worse but I can't help but obsess with it. do you still have any anxiety attached to your visuals or is it something that fades away with time? also I've been suffering with this for just over a year, it's just that I've stopped smoking weed all together for the past 6 months. thanks for taking the time to reply, it's nice to be somewhere with people who have been through the same thing.

7 hours ago, K.B.Fante said:

If you don't do drugs again you'll get better. Given how bad your HPPD is it will take a long time, but eventually you can get to a place of peace as long as you're willing to endure the pain and work hard enough to regain your health. Eat right, exercise every day, turn your life around and you'll see progress as long as you give yourself time. Also, read this forum as there's plenty of advice about how to recover. 

Yeah for the past 6 months I've been free from all drugs, bar alcohol but I haven't drunk frequently; although every time I have ended up drunk I wake up with really bad visuals and the worst hangovers of my life so I've also decided to give up that over the past month or so, although I have had the odd beer. I have signed up for the gym but I haven't been going regularly because most days I worry that I might have a massive panic attack right there in the middle of everyone. I don't even smoke cigarettes anymore. is it true that caffeine can also be an antagonist to this disease? As I drink a lot of energy drinks and stuff I'm wondering if I need to give that stuff up as well. I really miss being able to just chill out with a joint but I just can't do it anymore it sends me crazy panicky :( 

 

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I had a latte the other day and it messed me up big time. And I used to drink 3-4 cups of coffee a day.

I can't imagine drinking an energy drink or anything like that. I would flip out.

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I'm not a doctor but from what I believe is that hppd is just undiagnosed mental illness that was triggered during drug use, it may also be a form of ptsd. Those are my two theories, I'm not saying you should listen to me or any means, but I feel like in most cases of the term "hppd" people don't tend to hear voices. Usually when I see something like that I tend to think of schizophrenia and schzioaffective disorder. If you haven't gone to a doctor you probably should because it could be more to it, but might also not be. Research chemicals are still also relatively unknown in today's world so as far as telling you if it's just the chemical that left a mark  on your brain we won't know. Just try to strive forward. One day even if it doesn't go away you'll accept it and it'll still be less. 

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1 hour ago, HDDeer said:

I'm not a doctor but from what I believe is that hppd is just undiagnosed mental illness that was triggered during drug use, it may also be a form of ptsd. Those are my two theories, I'm not saying you should listen to me or any means, but I feel like in most cases of the term "hppd" people don't tend to hear voices. Usually when I see something like that I tend to think of schizophrenia and schzioaffective disorder. If you haven't gone to a doctor you probably should because it could be more to it, but might also not be. Research chemicals are still also relatively unknown in today's world so as far as telling you if it's just the chemical that left a mark  on your brain we won't know. Just try to strive forward. One day even if it doesn't go away you'll accept it and it'll still be less. 

Appreciate the comment, first off I don't "hear voices" so to speak, it's just that certain syllables that people say sometimes seem off and other times voices just sound like they're going through a flanger pedal or something. I've heard doors creaking as screaming but that was mainly days after the drug experience and I don't have that anymore. Auditory distortions aren't as common as visual in HPPD but the possibility is still there; although I do agree with you there could be some element of PTSD caused by my traumatic experience. I worry constantly that I may have schizophrenia but every doctor I've talked to and all sources online say that in schizophrenia the part of the brain that realises something is wrong does not function, therefore patients with schizophrenia do not recognise hallucinations to be hallucinations. I have been given antipsychotics in the past to try to deal with these symptoms, most recently respirodone, and just like everything on HPPD says, it made the visuals MUCH worse. But like I said the PTSD thing you said I could agree with maybe along with HPPD.

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You sound similar to me... I properly went for it with the drugs, trying to find their meaning. Lots of shrooms and acid, then lots and lots of mdma.

I can;t give you a happy ever after, i'm still quite ill after 22 years.... but.... I really learnt to cope after about 2-3 years and went on to have a decent life (college, travelling, wife, own business), on paper, it's all good... but it's a struggle, i wont sugar coat it. I still feel like i'm tripping every day, but i take clonazepam 3 times a week, which gives me a break and allows me to go out with friends and feel fairly normal.

1st step is to stop beating yourself up... We are all here because we were a bit daft with drugs, but it doesn't make us bad people... and, just because we got unlucky, it doesn;t make other people bad for dodging the bullet.... If you chat to your other drug friends, you will probably find they are all dealing with some post drug shit anyway. Over time, you will find ways to tap back into the mindset that enjoyed lsd and start looking at hppd as an extension of that. It's not easy, in fact it's harder than fighting a physical illness, but you can get through it and regain some control over life.

Keep on fighting, Jay

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10 hours ago, HDDeer said:

I'm not a doctor but from what I believe is that hppd is just undiagnosed mental illness that was triggered during drug use, it may also be a form of ptsd. Those are my two theories, I'm not saying you should listen to me or any means, but I feel like in most cases of the term "hppd" people don't tend to hear voices. Usually when I see something like that I tend to think of schizophrenia and schzioaffective disorder. If you haven't gone to a doctor you probably should because it could be more to it, but might also not be. Research chemicals are still also relatively unknown in today's world so as far as telling you if it's just the chemical that left a mark  on your brain we won't know. Just try to strive forward. One day even if it doesn't go away you'll accept it and it'll still be less. 

The mental part (mental imagery) part of my illness didn't start until, late 2015. I hadn't done a psychedelic since March 2012. And I originally got hppd in 2009.

Extreme stress/trauma/ptsd/prolonged panic can cause hppd to become way worse and take on different forms.

I know that drugs blew my OCD from being a mild thing to an all consuming illness. Anxiety and depression probably followed.

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On 9/11/2017 at 0:44 AM, kyneapples said:

Yeah for the past 6 months I've been free from all drugs, bar alcohol but I haven't drunk frequently; although every time I have ended up drunk I wake up with really bad visuals and the worst hangovers of my life so I've also decided to give up that over the past month or so, although I have had the odd beer. I have signed up for the gym but I haven't been going regularly because most days I worry that I might have a massive panic attack right there in the middle of everyone. I don't even smoke cigarettes anymore. is it true that caffeine can also be an antagonist to this disease? As I drink a lot of energy drinks and stuff I'm wondering if I need to give that stuff up as well. I really miss being able to just chill out with a joint but I just can't do it anymore it sends me crazy panicky :( 

 

I'm convinced that so many people's problems are dietary. If you have HPPD you likely cannot handle caffeine or any sort of stimulant without worsening symptoms. If you're drinking multiple energy drinks a day then you're constantly making your symptoms worse. There's a long list of substances that aggravate symptoms on this site. I'd suggest you check it out so you know which things you can and cannot consume. Caffeine is absolutely at the top of the list. 

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