4 posts in this topic
I've had HPPD for 4 years now following a few years of heavy drug use and the main culprates which were 2 life changing bad trips which left me with severe PTSD, Anxiety, Depression and many other problems, or atlesst it exacerbated my already unrecognized childhood issues which I thought weren't too bad or gen non existent.
The point of this thread was to share my story and what I've learned to find hope and happiness, even oneness with myself.
Im still in the thick of HPPD recovery in the sense that I still suffer daily with the fear, ocd's phobias and manic depression but I have found what I'd call enlightenment or what I think is Thebes start of.
during recovery I've tried to find every answer, I changed my diet I've been completely sober of all substance for 2 years, I had an emasculate routine and diet, I did exercise everyday, all revolved around my illness HPPD and other illness, I was a slave to my mind.
In simple I found acceptance, I also realized I was part of a spiritual journey, I know to many it sounds naff, it did to me for years but when you find acceptance to your HPPD and acceptance to the fact you've become part of a higher spiritual initiation (is what's I call Amir as it makes sense to me and I hope to you) it becomes easier.
the main issue with HPPD is questioning it, fighting it, researching WHY, but the answers only come the day you decide to live and accept whatever the fucks going on which trust me I know at times can feel like interdimentional head fuckery - so you guys know I've been to the darkest depths of this illness - I've anxiety so bad I thought I became fear it's self whatever that is, I've traveled into distant realms of depression, anger and emotional retardation, I tried to end my life twice Andy became and out and out drug addict in attempt to resolve it but what helped me again was accepting what was... just was.. it's bigger then me, it's higher then me or at least my self and my ego so just let it happen. The article that essentially triggered this view on life for me explained that most of us experiencing these extreme feelings, emotionally retarded, anxiety, visuals are those who have been swept into an ego death or spiritual birth which they explain a lot better, i know it may sound ridiculous to some and I was one of those some, so I'd recommend highly to accept it. Accept the feelings and your happier better soul will give birth, resist these feelings and fight the illness and it'll grow as it's a clever cunt.
This is the article which explains acceptance and the ego death.
P.S. don't rule out other coping mechanisms, they all help in some ways or at least most of them, diet, routine and medication. Ive tried almost every medication but it wasn't for me but I have heard of some cases that helped hugely.
P.P.S. Specific to HPPDers, when you find acceptance, your ego and visuals will get worse or should I say they did in my case for a bit, they're part of your ego or stleast the negative part of your HPPD is so they react like a child and try to cling onto your self as if they don't want to die which is what the birth of your soul will do. I'd also like to mention I am no pro, I am just going off experience, I have just practiced mindfulness, meditations and spirituality during my recovery.
I hope this helps anyone suffering or even those not sufferent, just looking for a bit of help.
So im 17 and summer is coming up in one week. I've had pretty minor hppd for about 8 months, and I just want this to go away. All my friends smoke weed and I feel so left out not smoking with them. This leaves me pondering a crucial question: should I just say fuck it and start blazing again or should I dedicate this summer to recovery and mental growth to see if I can still recover? I just miss smoking so much but if I knew for a fact that I would fully recover in a year I would be willing to not drink or do drugs until months after I am fully recovered. What should I do it's killing me? My symptoms are:
slight trails in some lighting
walls breathing if I pay attention
So I got very minor hppd from an acid trip around 8 months ago. After the trip I smoked weed and drank a couple times, then I started noticing static and such in my vision... so I have been clean from all substances for 5 months. The anxiety/ depression is much better, and the visuals are pretty ignorable unless in bad lighting and not very bad. If I continue to be healthy and abstain from drug use, having recently quit nicotine as well, do I still have the possibility of recovering? I've heard plenty of cases of ppl recovering and having visuals go away within 1-2 years and that's what I'm hoping for! Is this a possibility? Hppd is minor and I plan on staying healthy as I am 17 and workout on daily basis
I haven't been on this site in quite some time, but I was reflecting on the past 6 years of perceptual disturbances and thought that I would write a post that may shed a different light on HPPD. I am very thankful that HPPD has become a part of my life(yes, even when I start melting or the room keeps changing sizes). I'm sure by this point many of you are thinking "wow, this guy is fucked in the head" , but let me elaborate a bit more. At this point in my life I am happy, I love who I am, and I am in a great place despite my visual and tactile disturbances not wavering in the slightest. Pre-HPPD, however, I could say none of the good things I listed above. I lived my life constantly brushing my anxiety, depression, and insomnia under the rug like it didn't exist. HPPD amplified these problems to a point where I could no longer just pass them off. It forced me to change. I had to open up to people about myself and my problems like I never had to before. I had to focus on the things that I could control (anxiety, depression) rather than the things that were out of my hands(perceptual disturbances). This was not an easy process at all. I struggled immensely for a year before I developed the coping skills I needed to allow myself to be happy. One of the biggest turning points for me was when I was finally able to forgive myself for the long series of decisions I made to get myself caught up in in everything. I fortunately haven't had any other trauma in my life, but that almost made it harder to forgive myself for creating such a traumatic event for myself all because I wanted to get high. I also thin that it was important that I accepted the fact that HPPD was a part of me; this is the way I see things now and that ok. In fact its more than ok! I have a hugely different perspective on life than I did before and I think that is one of my biggest assets in life. I couldn't imagine where I would be if HPPD didn't come into my life (probably still getting high off of stupid shit all of the time with no future plans).
HPPD helped me figure out what I wanted to do with my life (though I almost dropped out because of it)
HPPD is the reason I became a social worker and have a great job that I love
HPPD helped me learn the communication skills I needed to open up to someone and have an actual meaningful relationship with someone
HPPD stopped me from doing drugs allowing me to eventually become an all-american in cross country.
HPPD taught me how to enjoy life while coping with insomnia, depression, and anxiety
HPPD made me the man I am today
I used to blame HPPD for making my life miserable, but now I see it as an integral part of my life. Wish you guys all the best. - Josh