TheMythos

The end of the road

26 posts in this topic

I can no longer cope with this illness and am formulating a plan to take my own life.

It's not getting any better. The meds aren't working. There is nothing left to hope for.

I can't see myself living through this torment for the next 50 years. If it was just visuals, I could handle it. I cannot handle the weird perceptions and thought processes.

I always figured it would end this way anyway. In my early 20s I thought I would join the 27 Club but I managed to make it to 28. 

Too bad I won't get to see 30.

 

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I regret making this thread but I don't know how to delete it. I don't want anyone else to lose hope just because I have.

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1 hour ago, pdo said:

This is my last resort:

 

I've seen that but I'm afraid of it making things much much worse.

There was someone on here who took iboga thinking it would cure her and it made the symptoms 100x worse.

I just took 10mg propranolol for the first time.

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Oh, I thought You were honestly ending it, so why not throw a hail Mary and if it doesn't work, You leave guns blazing.

 

I wish You the best either way. <3

 

Edit: to clarify my beliefs about HPPD, I think it is 95% psychological ( as someone already claimed it here ) especially if it was induced by a bad or weird trip. The visuals aren't a problem, I had them before and I didn't care. The problems need to be sorted out on a subconscious level. I mean isn't it weird that the psychological problems resemble PTSD?

 

Edited by pdo
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Mythos.  I don't know you and I'm not in your head but you're clearly a bright person and I'm hoping ... really hoping that you'll seek out the loving people in your life for support and help.  Given time, it does get better.  My 20s were a very rough time but each decade got better and better. 

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1 hour ago, MadDoc said:

Mythos.  I don't know you and I'm not in your head but you're clearly a bright person and I'm hoping ... really hoping that you'll seek out the loving people in your life for support and help.  Given time, it does get better.  My 20s were a very rough time but each decade got better and better. 

There is no help.

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Stop this dude. You are what you are life is Great May be Hard for you but look around its the Best. Think about it for 5 min. You Will have so much time to be dead so Why leave this great place before you really have to. 

 

May i ask how long you have had this and what your symptoms are

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5 minutes ago, TheMythos said:

I dont know. I think these psych meds are messing with my head.

This says it all. What kind of meds are you on? And how many? If you're on some kind of ill-advised big pharma psyche med cocktail you're almost sure to be suicidal. Hell, I was suicidal for months on end without any of that crap. Are you seeing a doctor who's prescribing this to you? Have you let him or her know about what's going on? 

Here's the thing Mythos: I've had HPPD for over two years now and have had suicidal ideation for about half that period and have been suicidal for maybe four months when things were at their worst. I literally cannot explain in words how psychologically and emotionally tormented I was when I was at my lowest point. I thought my suicide out and thought I was being rational because I could not take the pain anymore and had tried everything. But the thing was, I hand't. There's always another day, another thing to try, some glimmer of hope somewhere. And this is the great thing about it: Life always evolves. Nothing stays the same. Everything changes all the time. This is a law of the known universe. So even thought it's as bad as you could ever imagine now you have to remember that it won't always be this way. It will get better. It just might take some time. 

In the meantime, I hope you can get on top of your med situation. It sounds like it's pretty bad. 

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I quit taking them.

This shit fluctuates so much. I took a propranalol last night for the first time and my symptoms were reduced 95%. If I had to live with what I had last night for the rest of my life I would be alright.

Woke up this morning - tripping. I dont know if the propranalol made my symptoms better, if it was the Rexulti 2 days ago, or if it was a natural fluctuation.

But I can say with confidence that I can drive anywhere again with no panic or anxiety. I couldnt say that 3 or 6 months ago.

I'm just sick of the internal tripping and images and I made this thread in a moment of weakness.

 

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This is why I don't touch prescriptions.  In the US most doctors hardly look at you and then hand you a vile of pills.  Not only that, they won't talk about side effects.  US health care is the bottom of the barrel.

I hope you're feeling better Mythos.  I mean that.  You've had some good advice and people who come here need that.  Hang in.

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I feel like I'm getting better in some respects and plateauing in others.

I didnt really get any anxiety today until about an hour ago...and I'm not on anything. Maybe I'll just stay off the meds.

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So I still don't understand... Who's prescribing you all these meds? Or are you just getting them on the black market? Because I don't understand how a doctor would be willingly feeding you all this stuff knowing the harmful interactions. Taking any combination of meds is a very tight balancing act with potentially disastrous consequences, much less psyche meds. I have absolutely zero doubt that this is the crux of your mental instability at the moment and that if you can get on the right meds and remain stable you'll be OK. Trust me man, I've been through this but to a lesser extent with over the counter herbs. Our brains are really, really sensitive and even the slightest imbalance can cause major emotional instability. I remember last year just mixing excess rhodiola and holy basil together made me nearly want to jump off a bridge. I can't imagine what it's like with big pharma drugs. 

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Taking all these pills is a risky thing to do with HPPD. If I remember correctly, you mentioned in some post that you tried 10+ (?) medications in less than two years (correct me if I'm wrong). Any medication has to be planned very carefully, including the weeks/ months until the effects fully set in and also including the weeks/ months to completely taper it off. So IMO you should calculate like six months for trying ONE MEDICATION to see how it works for you, after you have intensively researched the effects and side-effects of it and of course have it discussed with your doctor. Taking multiple medications together is, like Fante mentioned, an even more complicated process. Trying so many different medications in such a short amount of time is just very unhealthy and doesn't help your condition at all. 

Believe me, a lot of the thought processes/ sensations/ whatever you are feeling, are either side effects or withdrawal effecs of the meds you have been taking. You seem to have a tendency to quickly grasp for some relief in form of medication, which is wide-spread in anxious persons. However this is not helping you and you have to get rid of this behavioral patterns. 

Quit these meds and then WAIT at least two months until it's out of your body. Talk with a therapist, maybe take a benzo if anxiety is too bad. You have this "working on farms" (I forgot how it's called :P) thing that you can look forward to, I am sure this will help. You have not destroyed yourself, you can live a good life, a life of your own. Breathe deeply and slowly. Things will turn out right.

Edited by fruitgun
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You are living on this earth, so why not wait how things will turn out while you're at it. You will be dead long enough.

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I'm in a better headspace the past 2 days.

Hydroxyzine - 2 months (Nov 2015 - Jan 2016)

Paxil - 2 months (Jan-March 2016)

Abilify 5 mg cut it in half to 2.5 in January (March 2016 - April 2017)

Tried Lamictal for a month in 2016, Gabapentin for a day, Tegretol for a day, Zoloft for a week, Luvox for a week.

Depakote 500 mg (Sept 2016 - May 2017)

Zyprexa for a day and Mirtazapine for a day in June 2017.

Rexulti for 2 weeks end of June beginning of July 2017.

Klonopin as needed since July or August 2016.

Edited by TheMythos
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I was just desperate for relief. I didn't really want to be on these meds but no one would help me. Therapy was bullshit.

I know I've delayed my recovery but I think I feel better being off this stuff. Something I was taking I dont know if it was depakote or abilify was slowing down my thinking, now I feel a lot sharper.

So I can recover from this pharm use right? I was only ever on depakote and abilify simultaneously.

 

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I made you guys a vid.

I said November 2016 but I meant 15.

Edited by TheMythos
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15 hours ago, fruitgun said:

Taking all these pills is a risky thing to do with HPPD. If I remember correctly, you mentioned in some post that you tried 10+ (?) medications in less than two years (correct me if I'm wrong). Any medication has to be planned very carefully, including the weeks/ months until the effects fully set in and also including the weeks/ months to completely taper it off. So IMO you should calculate like six months for trying ONE MEDICATION to see how it works for you, after you have intensively researched the effects and side-effects of it and of course have it discussed with your doctor. Taking multiple medications together is, like Fante mentioned, an even more complicated process. Trying so many different medications in such a short amount of time is just very unhealthy and doesn't help your condition at all. 

Believe me, a lot of the thought processes/ sensations/ whatever you are feeling, are either side effects or withdrawal effecs of the meds you have been taking. You seem to have a tendency to quickly grasp for some relief in form of medication, which is wide-spread in anxious persons. However this is not helping you and you have to get rid of this behavioral patterns. 

Quit these meds and then WAIT at least two months until it's out of your body. Talk with a therapist, maybe take a benzo if anxiety is too bad. You have this "working on farms" (I forgot how it's called :P) thing that you can look forward to, I am sure this will help. You have not destroyed yourself, you can live a good life, a life of your own. Breathe deeply and slowly. Things will turn out right.

I agree wholeheartedly with this. I've been down this road before -- absolutely desperate for any sort of relief because I felt my life depended on it. I messed around with tons of medications and hardly anything even had a positive effect on my HPPD. In fact, I'd say nothing really helped my symptoms. What I eventually figured out is that there's an inherent sensitivity with HPPD and that the more substances you throw at your brain the worse you're going to feel. Jesus, half the people or more on this forum can't even handle sugar or coffee, much less multiple pharmaceuticals at the same time. 

As fruitgun said, ween off whatever you're on very slowly unless there's something you're taking that you feel you can't live without. Again, go slowly as you have all the time in the world. Then after that be sure to give yourself time so that you can assess how you feel. My guess is you're going to feel a hell of a lot better. Work out ever day, eat almost strictly whole foods, eliminate excess sugar, get off the cigarettes, go to yoga, see a therapist, go to group mental health meetings and check back in with us three months down the line. Again, I'm guessing you're gonna feel much better and have an entirely different outlook on life. 

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I agree with everything except the therapy part. I've had about 3 therapists in the past year and a half and I think its a waste of time and money.

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6 minutes ago, TheMythos said:

I agree with everything except the therapy part. I've had about 3 therapists in the past year and a half and I think its a waste of time and money.

I sorta thought that too at the beginning. It's actually pretty common. People aren't used to talking the way they do and trying to connect with someone else on such an emotional level and thinking about their life in a way they haven't before, and so backlash is to be expected. If you stick with it you'll be rewarded though. Just takes finding the right therapist and being willing to accept you may have experienced traumas you weren't quite aware of. HPPD in itself is a trauma. 

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Mythos, I'm glad things are better for you.  I've been away in the mountains searching for nothing.  I think I found it.  Hang in there.  You have a lot of good days ahead of you.

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Mythos - what "perceptions and thought processes" do you mean?

This is much, much more than visual for me too. I'm sorry but that part is easy!

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On 7/27/2017 at 9:18 PM, TheMythos said:

I agree with everything except the therapy part. I've had about 3 therapists in the past year and a half and I think its a waste of time and money.

Many people find therapy doesn't help until they find the right person. Boogie2988 has had dp the majority of his life after a near death experience from child abuse. He has a good therapist after going through many therapists. It's patience, or so I'm told.

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