Spookysald

hppd
A gist of my HPPD story

2 posts in this topic

I have had HPPD for about four months now. I know it's not a very long time for how long it can last but, it's so awful living with this every day. The only way I'm personally able to describe it is that  the air around me is suffocating, like a have no space in an empty room filled with breathing walls, visual snow, static or tiny patterns. Another thing I have is very bad depersonalization and it's the whole reason why my anxiety comes out like it does. Before I had HPPD I have only had an anxiety attack 3-4 times but now I get one almost every other day and it's so hard to manage hanging out with people in fear that I will start freaking out of no where and have to be alone. Usually when I am inside of an attack everything is so colorful and it looks like I'm on mixtures of drugs and it can last anywhere from a couple of seconds to an hour or 2. The only thing I like so far about this whole situation is that I've been able to find myself through art. I've found that if I'm feeling anxious I can just draw something and it will really help me forget. Everyone always tells me that they like the things I do and how they love that I found a unique style that belongs to me. I'm very happy that those people are supporting me even though I still wish I hadn't done the things I did to get this way. It all started when I did 3 psychedelics in over the corse of 8 days including: LSD, LSA and DXM. It took a while for my symptoms to come through but I can tell that all 3 of these drugs made a huge difference in my life because I feel the things I felt to this day when I was in all of those trips. I have been on a few medications so far to help the visuals and depersonalization. Including Prozac, Busbar, Abilify and Gabapentin. All of these drugs made things worse for me and I wish I never took any of them. Except for Gabapentin because I have a feeling it might work in a higher dosage. I have talked to my psychiatrist about HPPD and she had no clue what it was and didn't seem interested. She just jumped the gun on antipsychotics and labeled me as "psychotic" (because she's an asshole) I've done enough research to know that only in very small cases do antipsychotics help HPPD because it isn't the same thing as Psychosis at all. In my research ive found that Primarily benzos including Klonopin, Valium and Xanax work the best for depersonalization and visuals. And levetiracetam has been able to just help visuals. I really want to find a psychiatrist who understands instead of one who asks me if Acid and LSA are both LSD. I need someone who actually knows about drugs but my mother won't let me switch. Is there anyway that I can get her to understand or believe me and get me the medications I need without seeming like I'm pharma-shopping?

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I personally don't have experience with antipsychotics, but after having HPPD and obsessively searching stuff online for about 6 months now I can pretty confidently say don't mess around with those. Nearly everyone says its help is only very, very short term and that once you decide to go off your visuals will be unbearable. So you could either keep taking benzos, get better temporarily to the point where you develop a tolerance, and then have an insanely horrible experience tapering off them, or just not mess with it at all.

Edited by SeekingLife
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