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Dsudberry88

Can anyone give me some advice?

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Hi everyone I'm in desperate need of help. So it all started when I was 18 and I smoked some weed and tripped out. I never went back to the same. My reality was all messed up and my cognition was too.  I thought I was doing okay when I was 21 and became a waiter. I knew things weren't perfect but I was still making it through and living life. Well stupid me didn't know drinking could make things worse. I also did cocaine here and there so that could have made it worse. But I was doing okay from about when I was 21 until I was 26. So I'm not sure what exactly made it worse. But I had started a new job at a car dealership which I should have known with my problems I shouldn't have done it. I should have just stayed a waiter. But anyways I tried my hardest and like I kept trying to push my brain and I could like feel it eroding my brain on the inside. and things seemed to get worse. Plus someone called me a space cadet and then I had OCD on everything I couldn't remember and had extreme anxiety and this is when I really lost functioning and everything was getting worse. I like couldn't see straight out of my eyes. I don't know I remember driving and it was like I wasn't in my body looking straight out. And I was stuck like that. I don't know this where I'm not sure if drinking was making things worse or if it was cuz I had realized how messed up i still was and then freaked out and had extreme anxiety which made it even worse but I was feeling the weirdest exteme sensations.  it seemed like things were getting worse just on there own. But then this one night I was drinking and it felt like my vision hardened and it felt like I fried the back of my head down to my feet. inalso started feeling these weird horrible horrible feelings in my head. I don't know I've been super disoriented and messed up. Ive just been so messed up like it's so hard to describe. ive been in the mental hospital 6 times trying to get help. I think they just made me even worse. First they put me on zyprexa and wellbutrin and ativan. I ended up going back in the mental hospital a month later. This time they put me Zoloft, abilify, depakote. When they put me on the depakote I was almost passing out on the floor. I could barely situp. The doctor saw how slow my brain was functioning as I was having trouble even talking and he put me on adderall. I started feeling even weirder sensations when they put me on the adderall. I ended up stopping all the medications and tried to live with it but I was so debilitated I could barely get up out of bed. I was hoping with time that things would get better. I ended ended up stopping all the medications and tried to live with it but I was so debilitated I could barely get up out of bed. I was hoping with time that things would get better. I ended up trying to go back to work as a waiter even though I knew I wasn't better but I was Gona try and live anyways. I was like I'll try to push through work and hopefully things will get better. Well things never got better. I kept going in and out of the mental hospital. No medicine helped. I ended up quitting my job last december and going to the mental hospital again. This time I even tried electric shock therapy which didn't help. I've been so disoriented and messed up. I won't go over all the different feelings and sensations I've gone through over the last two years but I'll go over how I feel now. So how I feel now mostly is I feel this weird filmy sludgy feeling in my head and body. It feels like I don't have a head kind of. My vision doesn't feel right. It feels filmy and weird. Like I can look out and everything just feels off and like this filmy substance. I can see static in the dark and I can feel the static all throughout my body. Plus with the weird filmy feeling. I feel these weird kind of numbing sensations in my head and used to in my teeth. Sometimes I'll feel the feeling where my vision hardens and extreme pressure hardening feeling in my head. I try to just lay down in bed all day to get through the day cuz it's worse when I like have to try and walk and stuff I feel off balanced or not in my body. Even though it's extremely terrible just laying here in bed too. I feel so messed up. Like I can't even explain it. I can barely enjoy watching tv sometimes. I don't want to do anything at all cuz I feel so messed up. My family knows something's definitly wrong with me but they don't totally understand. I've tried to live with this but it's so bad I can't. I'm scared that I'm going to hurt myself. I can't even believe that this is real. Is there anything that can make me feel a little more normal? Or am I totally screwed? I've tried my best to describe what I'm going through but it's even worse then I can describe. I'm barely hanging on everyday hoping for a miracle that someday I'll feel a little better. Please I would appreciate any help. im desperate. 

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Except for some slight differences I've pretty much been going through the same thing for a year and a half.

The weird out of body feeling is most likely DP/DR due to extreme anxiety. I'm not sure why they put you on so many meds at once in the hospital but that sounds like too much shit to put someone on at once and see how they'll react.

I get the weird head feelings, numbness, and shit every single day. For what its worth you arent alone.

Ive had hppd since 2009 but these really extreme symptoms didn't start until my panic attacks started in late 2015. I honestly think its more of an anxiety issue than an HPPD issue but the HPPD is definitely exacerbating it.

Do you suffer from migraines? I've been getting a lot more migraines lately.

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I'm trying to fathom what you're going through.  I have "episodes" that last a few minutes from time to time.  It's hard to describe but this is what happened yesterday.  I was working at home on the computer.  Moring light was coming through the window.  Just as I looked at the light I heard a crow call.  The sound pulled at my thoughts and body, like an elastic.  The pulling was in the shape of the light coming into the window sort of in the shape of a cone.  Hanging in the air on the "surface" of the light were transparent designs in red and blue.  The thought I had was that I was experiencing an artistic rendition of my mental being.  It was like time froze and I was hypnotized unable to move.  It wasn't totally an unpleasant experience but certainly not "normal".  Is this the sort of thing you're experiencing or am I just describing my own weirdness?  

Edited by MadDoc
Foolish typing

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I'm in my Body now but my vision doesn't feel right. I don't feel right in my body. My head and body feels like this weird filmy sludge my vision feels like that too. Its hard for me to describe. I'm in hell. I feel so fucked up I like can't enjoy anything. I can't even just lay there in peace. 

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I describe the feeling I get from hppd as having too much electricity in my brain.  Then there's the constant visuals.  You're saying you feel like "sludge", do you think that's part of the hppd or something else?  Forgive me for all the questions, I'm just trying to get a handle on what you're going through.  I'm not questioning what you've written.  It sounds like you've seen a bunch of doctors.  Have they been able to eliminate other possible causes other than hppd?

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It's this weird film feeling. I don't know I feel so weird. I feel weird horrible sensations. I just feel so messed up all day long. I'm afraid I'm not going to hold on much longer. I don't know what to do. The doctors never listened to me. They kept saying i was just depresssed or bipolar and I was like this isn't that. They never listened to me. I think they've just made everything worse. I keep praying for some kind of relief. I don't know what to do. I have had an MRI and eeg and they said it looked normal. I just don't understand how this can be real. I just need it to stop. I'm pretty sure it's some kind of messed up hppd. and I stupidly took psych meds trying to fix it and just made it worse. I feel so stupid for drinking and stuff making it worse. I keep trying to hold on praying I'll feel a little bit more normal. I don't know how long I can hold on for. I would have never dranken or done any drugs at all if i knew I was Gona end up like this. I've ruined my life. 

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17 hours ago, MadDoc said:

I'm trying to fathom what you're going through.  I have "episodes" that last a few minutes from time to time.  It's hard to describe but this is what happened yesterday.  I was working at home on the computer.  Moring light was coming through the window.  Just as I looked at the light I heard a crow call.  The sound pulled at my thoughts and body, like an elastic.  The pulling was in the shape of the light coming into the window sort of in the shape of a cone.  Hanging in the air on the "surface" of the light were transparent designs in red and blue.  The thought I had was that I was experiencing an artistic rendition of my mental being.  It was like time froze and I was hypnotized unable to move.  It wasn't totally an unpleasant experience but certainly not "normal".  Is this the sort of thing you're experiencing or am I just describing my own weirdness?  

I think I know what he means by the sludge feeling. It's a physical feeling. Like something is literally sitting on your head or scalp. I feel that all the time with weird eyeaches and headaches constantly, along with seeing mental imagery and feeling spaced in my head (usually when an episode of intense derealization is about to hit). It's gone down in intensity and I'm sure it's gone away completely at times when I've been too engaged in an activity to notice. But it is a chronic feeling and very disturbing.

I'm pretty sure its some mix of hppd DPDR and really, really bad anxiety.

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Sounds like you have a extreme case of anxiety. I suffer from weird visual snow and some serious anxiety that makes me feel really light headed all day everyday sense I was in elementary school. My best advice is defietly not to hurt yourself because one day your going to die anyways. And think about how bad you can hurt your family. I would stay clean for as long as possible and instead of feeling bad for yourself I would change your mind set to ONLY how you can fix how your problem and how to coupe with the extrem anxiety. Best of luck and I went through very bad anxiety like this but I'm now getting better due to thinking positive and figuring out ways to not think about bad things that make my anxiety bad. You should look up SAMe to, its over the counter vitamins that been helping my anxiety and depression to so it might work for you to.

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