I cant take these fucking afterimages and trails anymore. Im sorry I cant do it. I fucking dont deserve this. I smoked weed one time in 2008 and had HPPD for about 3 months. Then I was completely normal. I never touched a drug after that. Recently I worked out a little and all the symptoms came back but the visuals are terrible. I see afterimages after 1 second and trails of everything moving. Also floaters and light sensitivity. I have been seeing these for 7 months. I feel fucking hopeless and do not deserve this, smoking weed must have dont something to my nervous system.
I do not want to die but I cant live my life like this. Im sorry. My plan is to get completely over this is to go on a 14 day water fast at a medical facility. Doing this cleans your nervous system as well as your entire body.
does anyone here have difficulty watching anything in motion? I have noticed ever since dxm last year anything that will fluidly be in motion normally seems to create a vibrating effect especially when watching something on tv such as someone walking from one spot to another. Instead of seeing their motion normally it seems like the frame rate slows down, I have also noticed extremely noticeable tracers when viewing any lightscource. Let's say I look at an LED clock and shift my focus to something else the LED clocks light follows my eyes focus and creates a very long streak of light, I have started to develop a sort of OCD over these issues ever since I noticed them. This has been like this the last year and a half. I have taken what I thought was lsd 10 times in a span of 2 years, dxm 2 times and mainly weed. What really sucks is that I do realize weed may effect this too but it is also my means of coping with this horrible issue. I'm just so confused on this situation and am wanting to know if anyone else here experiences something similar to this.
My name is Natalie. <:
This will probobly be a long post.
Simply me writing down my feelings and stuff.
Just felt like I needed to warn you guys. <:
I apologize for my english.
Here it goes:
I rarely visit anything hppd and depersonalization/derealization related nowadays. I stopped when I discovered that overly attachement to this kind of forums made me more depressed. It was like a reminder of my problem. Always hanging there. I just wanted to forget about everything. And now it's almost a year since that terrible trip on cannabis.
It doesn't feel as a whole year has gone since that day, 14th of april. Actually... I can't really measure time. Due to my derealization I can't really feel time. Hard to explain. It feels crazy to think that I had hppd and dpdr on my mind every single day since that day last year.Not a day has gone without me thinking about those problems of mine. Will it be this way my whole life? :c Maybe, maybe not. Time will tell.
In June I will turn 20 years old. I just hope that I will not waste the coming years. Gah.. I am thinking too much right now. Can't really focus on where to begin with and can't really understand for myself what I want with this post. I think I just want to sociolize with someone who shares my problems. One of the things that makes me.. calm is that I am not the only one struggling in this shit. Even if I don't want ANYONE to be a part of this problem, it makes me calm knowing that there are people out there going through the same things as me. :c It doesn't feel nice to think so.
The symptoms I have are:
Afterimages (really bad.. :s), trails, visual snow... damn.. it's hard naming them all when you've lived with them for a year. I don't really know what's normal and what's not. xD Hahah.. I am pretty sure I have most of the usual symptoms on HPPD. I remember writing it somewhere in the beginning of my "trip" through this problem. My symptoms are pretty bad.. Aspecially afterimages.. But, I can manage. I think about them everyday. But I can forget about all the symptoms for like a couple of hours sometimes. <: But those last couple of nights the visual snow was holding me up. :C It's like.. EVERYWHERE. In different colors, always changing its position. :Cc It sucks. And the bright light it's making SUCKS. You can't fall asleep when the "statics" is forming some kind of light. It's like when you "press" on the lids of your closed eyes. Or.. I don't know. :c But.. the light sucks.
But I think I hate afterimages most of all in HPPD. I don't have a driving license, so my friends often drive me places. And when I sit in the passengers seat and watch other cars.. DAMN. Those freakin' rear lights everywhere I look. If I see a car in front of me with the rear lights on and I look right and then left.. The lights are copying themselves and I see a bunch of rear lights instead of just a pair. :C Has anyone here got a solution for their afterimages problems? :c If so.. Please do tell if something made things better for you. It is really irritating. And it's not only at night that I see afterimages of everything.. no.. I see it 24/7 with every bright thing I look at. I know that after sitting on the computer a black square (light from the screen) is going to be stuck in my vision for a minute of so. >:C FUU.
Hppd isn't actually my main concerne.. I was also really lucky to trigger my DPDR at the same moment as I triggered my HPPD. (----: FML. And It has been my biggest problem ever since. I don't have it in periods like some of you lucky bastards.. I have it 24/7. Derealization is the biggest problem. I don't feel.... real. I am constantly in a dream and I don't really remember how REALITY feels like. I am just "something" stuck in this sort of a GAME. :s (Please, don't think that I am crazy.) I often doubt my existance and question reality. Like: what the f*ck am I doing here? What is this? What am I? It that a chair? What is a chair? How do I know that this is a chair?
Just stupid thoughts.. that scare me. :c I am glad to announce that I rarely freak out nowadays. I don't experience anxiety that often. THANKS GOD.. or just.. someone. But I am getting bored to be in this state of.. being? I want to get out. I want to taste the reality again. Everything seems so.. GRAY here. x) Can't really explain it. I just want to.. FEEL. Really feel. I want to know how it felt like to be a human before the DOOMS DAY/14th of APRIL.
Sometimes I can walk around without thinking about DPDR, and then snap back and have thoughts like "Where am I?".
I am afraid to loose touch with reality. I am afraid to do something stupid just to feel "alive". :c I am afraid to go insane.
But hey! A whole human year has gone since that awful day. And.. Nobody suspects that anything is wrong with me. .___.
Yeah.. I only told my mother, my boyfriend, some of his friends that were there on that bad trip day, my former best friend who will always be like a brother to me anyway, and to some people that aren't that CLOSE to me. :s My closest friends don't know about this. And hopefully they'll never know. This is the biggest problem of my life and I don't want so many people to know about this shit. :c They don't need to know.
I haven't tried any medicine except over-the-counter vitamins like magnesium. I stopped with everything like 6 months ago because they made their job. They calmed my anxiety down. I am greatful for that. But they can't help me with my dpdr and hppd. I haven't tried prescription medicine because I don't want to go to the doctors. I know that there is no cure and that they can not help me. And I don't want everyone to know about my condition. I know that they can prescript me some bezo and stuff. I can't lie.. I am curious. But I don't want to get addicted. I have a feel that I will be if I try. :s
I have a few questions for you guys. I would be thankful if somebody answered them. <:
1. In 10 years from now I would maybe thinking about having a baby. Is it possible for the child to inherit my hppd and dpdr? :Cc I am really worried about that. Don't want to ruin anyones life.
2. This year I am probobly going to get a boob job, cuz I love big tits. ;$ 8D And I wondered if the narcosis/morphine (?) can make me "trip" again.. or.. like trigger my hppd and dpdr all over again and make it worse? :C I am scared to be put to sleep. :c What if I trip due to the narcosis? :Cc
3. Again a pregnancy question: When one is in labor they get like .. laughing gas or morphine (?) .. Is it possible that I am going to trip again? :C I don't want to trip. :C Hahah.. :C
4. Is there anything that helps against afterimages? :c
5. Is there anything that brings you back to the "reality" from DPDR?
The last two questions I ask because I haven't been on these kinds of forums for like more than 6 months. Maybe you know something new that I have missed in this time. :s But yeah! I think I have written enough for today. 8D Feel much better now. C: Hope someone want to reply so I don't feel so lonely. Hahah.
Hugs! Have a nice day.
And may the odds be ever in your favor. lol.
hey there ...
so i just looked into my light of my room, always when i look into it i jhust recieve those sunburns or afterimages ...but reaaally strange,....
after starring at it i and looking away i still se the light, but not in yellow, it becomes green and slices from the left of my sight to the right....it´s kind of trying to get out of my visionfield....but if i move my head with it´s direction, it still appears to be there and resets then to it´s "spawnpoint".....if i dont move my head it just goes away...is that a sunburn or a afterimage??....I also got this with the colour lila, when i stare to long on lila i still se a lila lightray in my field, it needs 4 to 10 seconds to go away.......I dont have any afterimages or something also no CEV or anything...so what could it be?
Ive had this crap for 11 years. Can someone explain to me why my visual trails have progressively gotten worse over the years at a constant pace. I used to be able to drive at night now it is getting very hard to do. During the day now i see trails on stuff that i never used to see them on. I mentally count how long i see afterimages on different things and have written it down, and they are definatley longer over the years. I have things i use to measure how long my trails are and i would say every year they get 10% worse. Is my vision goin to be one long trail in a few years?
Dp, floaters, afterimages, disequilibrium(6 years) and static also. .75mg klonopin for 6 years