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Dsudberry88

Can someone give me some advice?

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Hey everyone. I've had hppd for like 10 years. Or atleast I think it's hppd. I'm not exactly sure. I first got it when I was 18. I had smoked some weed that made me trip out like really bad. I had never taken acid or hallucinogens before so I don't know if the weed was laced or if cuz I was on meth when I smoked weed they mixed together. But I was tripping out Real bad. I had been doing cocaine for some months and I decided to try meth. I was on it for 3 days and then smoked the weed. I figured it was the meth that had made me trip so I went back to doing cocaine and said I'll never do meth again. Well one day a few months later I decided to smoke some weed again and it made me trip out so bad again. This time I never went back to normal. I've never been the same since. I thought nothing looked real my vision was off and my vision was choppy. I felt all these weird things in my head and body. I've just been real messed up. It also messed with my cognition and executive functioning. I was supposed to go to the military but was unable to because of this. I struggled everyday just to make it through. I thought I was doing okay when I was 21 cuz I was making it by as a waiter at a restaraunt. I new things weren't right still but I thought I was doing okay. I would still drink and do cocaine here and there. Well 2 years ago when I was 26 I started a new job at a car dealership. I wanted to try a career as a car salesman. Kind of forgot how messed up I was from hppd I guess. Well things just got worse and worse. My cognitive function is horrible. I thought I had dementia or wet brain at one point. I feel Horrible sensation after horrible sensation. One day I thought I had a stroke. I can't even comprehend what I've been through and stil going through. I quit the car dealership went to the mental hospital. I've now been in the mental hospital 6 times since two years ago. I've tried all kinds of medicine. It seemed everything did nothing or Made me worse. I'm writing on here if anyone has any idea of what medicine to try. I have read somewhere about kolonopins, and Keppra and sinemet. Can someone help me with info about those and how to take them. I am desperate. I am writing suicide notes out now and planning for my death as I am not about to end up being stuck in a mental hospital for the rest of my life. I pray god will forgive me but I don't think I will be alive much longer. If anyone has any suggestion for help please help me. 


 

 
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Hi mate,

I hope you're feeling a little better. Meth can cause its own cognitive defects, which makes your case particularly difficult. I'm not sure anyone on here is a medical doctor either. 

What medication are you currently taking? A few of us might be able to give you pointers if we know this. 

Klonopin/clonazepam feels great for a short while, until it doesn't. I was addicted to it, and stopping it was worse than the HPPD itself. If you're suicidal though, you might get benefit from it. You really need to find a psychiatrist with some knowledge of HPPD and sympathy towards it. Maybe try this thread:

You need to tell them that you're suicidal also - that's really important. Be totally honest with them. 

The best thing you can do in the long term is to get clean! Stop taking coke. No occassional weed when a cone's being passed around. Get fit, hang out with people that don't care that you're a little messed up. Underneath it all you're probably not as messed up as you think you are - especially if you held down a job. 

Keep marching, there's light at the end of the tunnel. 

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