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tomsk8

10 years with this shit

38 posts in this topic

Hi,

 

I did all kinds of drugs when I was 15 years old. Nothing bad happened until I did an LSD microdot and had a bad trip.

 

From that day on my life was ruined.

 

I feel stuck on the visuals and feelings I had that day, which is kind of like a nightmare.

 

I want to know if there are any effective drugs to calm this symptoms.

 

Thanks

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A microdot was the final straw for me too... that was in 1995. fucking strong acid

 

The only really effective med, for me, is clonazepam. But it is highly addictive and withdrawal is very, very bad. So be careful, if you go down that route.

 

The way I use it is as follows:

 

Friday - 1mg

Saturday - 1.5mg

Sunday - 1.5mg

 

Then clean for 4 days.... I find the sunday dose works a little on monday too... So you only really have 3 days without the med... But it proves to be enough to stave off addiction/tolerence (I've kept this up for about 4-5 years now, without problems). This gives me a little break from the endless trippy feelings and helps with visuals and anxiety too.

 

I occasionally have a 7-10 day break from the med, just to ensure I am not getting addicted.

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1995? Wow man, a long time. What other symptoms do you have? I think I have anxiety, depression and also some OCD for sure, I can't control my thoughts.

 

How much acid does a microdot usually contain?

 

Man, why was I so stupid? I would be normal and happy if it wasn't for that shit, now I feel suicidal.

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The first thing to try and do is lose the guilt and loathing.

 

You were just young and naive.... Like millions of us were. We were just unlucky to suffer the consquences. But you shouldn't feel guilty or full of self loathing. It does you no good and feeds the anxiety.

 

I was the same for a few years then thought "fuck it, what is done is done... No point thinking about it with regret for another minute of my life". (Of course, I still look back and wonder how my life could have been... But I don't let self loathing enter my midset any more).

 

The other way that to look at it is.... Who knows if I would have bene happy and normal. Maybe if I didn't get hppd... I would have tried heroin and been a junkie and caused far more damage to my loved ones.

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Thanks Jay, 

 

I also think about this "I would have been a much better person, bla bla bla" but the reality is that I don't know. I probably would have continued doing drugs and I wouldn't have graduated from college and I wouldn't  be working and being independent as I am.

 

I also practice skateboarding, this saved my live. And I'm pretty good at it too.

 

Question, I always had amazing, beautiful trips on mushrooms. I don't know why, but I always considered a good mushroom trip for my salvation.

 

I know this doesn't sound like a good idea, but have you heard of MAPS? http://maps.org/

 

What do you think about this?

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It is something I have considered... In fact, I did try to medicate with fly agaric toadstool (Amanita) 

 

I think straight up psilocybin could completely fuck you over though... I think it has potential healing power for certain things, but for hppd... I can only see bad news. 

 

If you were to do it, I would try and find a really good shaman in south america... 

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What about MDMA, I think is a much lighter drug and I always enjoyed it very much.

 

Take a look at this: 

 

 

I also want to know what other symptoms you have. HPPD is not just about weird visuals, right?

 

I started suffering from anxiety the day after my bad trip and obsessive thoughts. Then later depression.

 

Do you suffer the this things?

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MDMA is the worst drug in the world for hppd, in my opinion.... It sent me to hell. Seriously, avoid it. In fact, I would avoid these sort of drug therapy ideas, full stop.... They can work for people who are not already fucked up from drugs....

 

My symptoms:

 

Visual: visual snow, after images, geometrics shapes, green/blue blotches, tracers, breathing, sensitivity to light

 

Perception: dp/dr, time morphing, feeling of tripping

 

Pyscological: Anxiety, sense of dread, circling thoughts, (depression, mainly gone now)

 

Physical: Difficulty breathing, head pressure, tinitus.

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It's shit, but at least the depression has gone .... That was probably the worst part of it, when combined with everything else (and that was 100% down to MDMA, fucking evil drug).

 

I can live with strange, scary, crazy.... But depression, that is not a life.

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But you tried MDMA when you already had HPPD?

 

I did MDMA twice after my bad trip and it was wonderful but I didn't do it for a therapeutic purpose, that's why I was considering it.

 

As I see it, this whole thing started as a trauma from a bad trip, so it could be associated with PTSD, and so... be cured with MDMA assisted psychotherapy.

 

What did you feel when you used MDMA? I'm just trying to find some options here, as my whole purpose in life right know it to get well and be happy.

 

How you heard the expression "he got stuck on the trip"? do you think that's what happened to us? 

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Yea, i did alot of MDMA after i got hppd from lsd/shrooms and for a while, it was ok... the highs were great and I returned to my "normal" hppd levels. Then, at some point, my life became unbearable... I can't pinpoint when or why, it certainly wasn't a bad trip or experience.

 

You might be fine trying it again, or you might be shifted into a much, much darker place, the phrase russian roulette has never been so apt.

 

I think a small part of our condition might be some kind of post traumatic syndome, but I think the majority of it is a chemical inbalance... I'm sure there are dozens of PTSD treatments to try before going down an lsd/mdma path.

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Thanks Jay, I've never talked to someone with same issues that I have.

 

I want to ask you more questions...

 

I remember that when I got back from my bad trip I knew everything had changed, permanently. I felt it in the core of my soul.

 

It was then that I had a panic attack, and a week later I started having my obsessive thoughts.  

 

The things is, that I did it in such a young age, where I should have built my personality. But with this issue I feel like I failed to make the transition in to an adult, I just don't know who I am, like if I don't have a personality. This caused in me a social anxiety, lost a lot of friends, is hard to get a girlfriend, and believe me... I was quite the opposite of this.

 

I really, really fucked my life. That little microdot fucked my life for ever.

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I know what you mean... I was between 16 and 19 years old when I was doing most of my drug taking and starting to get mentally ill. The microdot was 30th June 1995... I remember the exact date... and the next day, I did have a similar feeling to what you described... A "things will never be the same" moment. (unfortunatly, I then moved onto MDMA)

 

I also feel like I never fully developed, mentally.... Sometimes I can be sat with people making adult small talk, shit like buying a house or the weather.. or even some older relative being ill... and my mind is like a teenager, just wanting to shake them and tell them to shut the fuck up about such boring things. I know it is wrong to think like this and keep my mouth shut... But I do put this down to not transitioning to adulthood, mentally.

 

I try to look on the bright side though and think that at least I have a "young" mind and that has helped in my career designing websites, apps, making music and stuff that tends to be a hit with the younger crowd..

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Yes, that is why people say you should try psychedelics when you're 22 at least... FUCK.

 

Do you go to therapy? What have you done to overcome this?

 

The truth is, that I'm not sure if I want to live a life like this.

 

I'm totally functional thought, I graduated from college and work as a Web Designer just as you do, but my problem is with social interaction.

 

Last thing, FUCK DRUGS and FUCK ALBERT HOFFMAN. 

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I am far away from overcoming it, but what can you do?

 

To me, getting on with life is a state of mind... We can either wallow in self pity, beating ourslves up about it (and trust me, I did for several years).... Or we can just take the hand that was dealt us and try to make the very best of it.

 

I've never tried therapy, don't really buy into it.... I had a good upbringing and have no major emotional hangups... I just did too many drugs and fucked my brain... Case closed.

 

Things that help me:

 

Working from home.

Working for myself, so I can take days off when I feel too ill.

Friends, family and a supportive wife.

Clonazepam 3 days a week, to give myself a break from the anxiety.

A few beers with friends on the weekend to feel normal and have some laughs.

Excersise.

Having pets, they are a good laugh.

 

I honestly think the best thing is to put every effort into trying to feel positive though..... It's hard... there are days I still punch a wall or cry about my state.... But generally, I try my best to think positive and it really does help.

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Do you really think is all chemical?

 

LSD is one of the safest drugs physiologically. The damage it can produce is psychological, so this is treatable.

 

There is no brain damage as it happens with cocaine, crack and others, so, I believe there must be a cure.

 

Don't you think so?

 

Other question, if you want to answer... are you happy?

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LSD is one of the safest drugs physiologically.

---------------------------------

Anything that pumps massive amounts of serotonin and other chemicals into the brain can burn out receptors, which causes real damage. I'm sure other more knowledgable posters can chime in about that, but pretty certain that is true... Even if the LSD molecules are harmless.

 

Am I happy? That's a tough one to answer.... I'm not sad or depressed, but I am in constant physical and mental pain... Can you be in contsant pain and be happy? Probably not.

 

I have hours in the day though where I am coping well and I can block out most of the pain... enjoying things like a making a new app, watching a tv show, reading a book, laughing at our pets or playing football, surfing etc.

 

Is that happiness? If I could die without any upset or hardship to those around me, i'd seriously consider it... So I guess not.

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Wow, sorry to hear that.

 

Why physical pain?

 

I was convinced that LSD couldn't damage your brain. Do you have any article of that?

 

Don't you have hope that someday you will find a cure?

 

Do you hate drugs and drug culture the same as I do? I think is just stupid, nothing good come out of drugs.

 

People try to mystify psychedelics, like Timothy Leary did, well... fuck him. There is nothing better than sobriety.

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The physical pain is a by product of the mental illness.... Anxiety brings with it tight chestedness and difficulty breathing. The light sensitivity brings head pressure, pressure being the eyes and headaches. I also just generally feel physcially ill, like I have been poisoned... Not sure if that if an actual physical symptoms, but sure feels like it.

 

I don't hate drugs... I'm still facinated by psychedlics.... For all the problems they have brought, they also changed my life for the better too... I am less egotistical, more into nature and have a huge empathy for animals, wildlife and nature... Maybe I would have developed that anyway, but it fasttracked me.

 

My hppd from LSD/shrooms was managable anyway, if I have a dislike for any drug, it would be mdma. All my worst problems are from that. But I don't hate the drug or the people who still take it.... It's a good high!

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Man, we have exactly the same symptoms.

 

There is got to be a cure. The truth is I'm also fascinated by psychedelics but I'm mad that this happened to me. I remember the first time we took mushrooms with my friends, we were in nature and we were crying of happiness, it was awesome.

 

What bothers me the most are the obsessive thoughts, is like I always got to have something going on in my mind, it can not be blank for a second, and I cant really control them, does this happen to you? Maybe clouding of consciousness would be more accurate.

 

Also, do you know how many milligrams of acid usually contain a microdot?

 

There is got to be a cure. Maybe one day we will wake up and everything will be back to normal, just maybe.

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A cure is certianly possible.

 

4mg of clonazepam pretty much wipe away my visual and anxiety probelms, and really reduce my dp/dr.... Of course, that is too high a dose for someone with my lack of tolerance and it sends me to sleep... but it shows that, chemically speaking, the symptoms can be dampened alot.... So a non drowsy, non addictive benzo could be considered a cure, or very close to that. Thankfully, due to the vast amount of anxiety sufferers worldwide... Something like the above would be a huge money maker, and is very likely being researched.

 

Looking a bit further forward... We can hope for some advancements in nano tech or similar to help restore our receptors (which I really think is most of the problem).

 

re: obsessive thoughts.... I get that too, and it contributes to my insomnia pretty badly... I get caught in thought loops alot. It has it's advantages though, as I spend alot of time thinking up new apps, new UI technqiues etc, film ideas, book ideas etc... So it helps with my work at least. If you can turn the obsessive thoughts to something creative, it can give you alot back.

 

re: microdots... I can't find anything substantial online about them.... I'd imagine they vary though. I've had some that were like 1 strong tab... but the last one was like 4-5 strong tabs.

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So you believe is all chemical? Not psychological.

 

When I took the microdot another friend took it with me. He is OK, but he was 22 I think, so what happened?

 

He has a strong brain? Did it really fucked up my brain neurologically? I don't want to believe that.

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I'm not sure the two things are so seperate... Chemical imbalances can cause psychological problems... Psycological problems can cause physical problems.

 

Why do only some people get depression, why are some people prone to alcoholism... It is part genetic, part physical, part psycological.

 

If you search the forum for qEEG scans though, it is clear that those members that have had the scan have clear differences in their brain patterns... Which is clear eveidence that it isn't all psycological.

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