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Missjess

Coming very close to wanting to end my life

31 posts in this topic

I have had multiple healings for my hppd here in Brazil, but then all of a sudden something goes wrong and I go back a step. I took an anti biotic and that aggrivates my hppd and set me back. I got further healing and then I tried lamictal, I was fine on 12.5mg but then I tried to up the dose to not even 25mg and guess what it fuking knocked me back again!!! I am now I'm square 1 almost with hppd and I feel worse then ever. My patience is wearing out and I can't bear this any longer I'm completely in another universe trapped in a fuking horror show....I've only had this almost 4 months now but I can't fuking endure this shit for much longer.

John of god is going to tell me how many times I need to come back before I am healed but I'm afraid after being put back to square fuking 1 again it's going to be like starting again over and over again!! I'm not willing to try anymore fuking medications or supplements coz they all fuking knock me back and make my hppd worse FUK ThIS shit!

I think I will plan my suicide very soon...with morphine

I'm done with this fuking bullshit this is not life, I did not sign up for this crap. I try to make plans but I fuking can't anymore coz I'm so fuking disconnected. I don't want a relationship anymore I'm just fuked

Goodnight

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Please be a bit more patient, 4 months is such a little time compared to the lovely lifetime you can have...

The first few months were the worst for me too, but eventually you learn to cope with it.

I can't say if Lamictal or any other medication would help you or not, but 12.5-25mg is a very small dose to make a judgement. It is only what they give you to make your body adjust, so that it doesn't have adverse reactions.  Although I don't know of any dosage for hppd, the recommended dose for epilepsy or bipolar is between 100-400 mgs.

The adjustment period of medications are usually worse than not taking it, but please don't make such quick decisions. Hope and patience are the most important elements of success.

Find an activity that soothes you when you feel bad. For me, painting was the saviour for many many times...

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Hi leelalala

How long have u had this for ? It's just awfull all I want is my normal perception back :( :(

I'm taking only 12.5mg because when I tried to move up to 25mg it fuked me up and made my visuals aggrivated...so now I'm staying at 12.5mg as this gives me massive benefit to ocd and mental part of hppd, it helps keep me stabilized in a way...I won't try going up again coz even being back down to this dose my visuals r still worsened.

I went for a bike ride it was ok but rlly hard to ignore those awful brightened colours was yuk :(

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i feel you i really do, i remember my first 6 months were awful. dont do anything silly honestly its shit but you can do this! you can overcome it! 

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about 3 years, i am much better and was basically symptom free for a long time but ended up back here because i was stupid and drank far too much, if i hadnt id probably be living normal life right now !

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And did it get better on it's own ?

Fuk that sux!! It sux we can't fuking drink alcohol anymore and have fun this is so shit

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i think once your symptoms are a little more in check you can have a few if you are sensible, i have a tendency to not stop though so i have to quit by the looks of things

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I used to party and drink heaps prior to my illness. Now days i can honestly say i would happily never drink a drop again if it meant i would be rid of this shit.

Happiness isn't suppose to be at the bottom of a bottle.

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missjess.. i've been down that hole and back again many times over the past 14 years i've dealt with hppd.. it will get better.. and it will probably also get worse again too.. but you're not alone and you don't have to be miserable . The most important thing is to keep your will strong and fight back. the more you fight the more ground you gain, and even small victories help push you on. 

 

and for what we did.... we were curious. you look to deeply into the dark you need to be prepared for it to look back at you . we were just all unprepared.

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I've said before  that the first 6 months, i'd forget about meds, let your body try to adjust itself without any further strain to the system. Just get 100% sober (not even caffeine), get healthy, eat right and try to limit stress in anyway possible (even if that means quitting your job and locking yourself in a dark room watching movies.... or sit on a remote beach in brazil and try to find the beauty in life again).

 

The 1st year is the hardest, it would be such a waste of your life to end it now when you could be cured in a few months, or.. if not cured, in a better position to deal with this. I was suicidal for the first year too, but now.... although life is not perfect, it is still something I can enjoy

 

Please skype (jaybirch) if you ever need any support, a shoulder to cry on, someone to get angry at.... Anything goes. Just don't give up. We are all here for you and will always be.

 

Keep on fighting.... Their will be a light at the end of the tunnel.... It might seem far, far away right now, but it WILL come.

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Hi leelalala

How long have u had this for ? It's just awfull all I want is my normal perception back :( :(

I'm taking only 12.5mg because when I tried to move up to 25mg it fuked me up and made my visuals aggrivated...so now I'm staying at 12.5mg as this gives me massive benefit to ocd and mental part of hppd, it helps keep me stabilized in a way...I won't try going up again coz even being back down to this dose my visuals r still worsened.

I went for a bike ride it was ok but rlly hard to ignore those awful brightened colours was yuk :(

 

I've had hppd for about 2 years, and didn't know what it was until recently. The first 2-3 months were like hell. I constantly felt like my brain was melting. Couldn't focus on people's faces when talking, so I couldn't socialise. I was taking classes at summer school and had to drop my favourite class because of the weird shit happening with video projectors. and so on...

Then one day, I got a one day job offer while I was asleep and said "ok" before I could think about it. I was very frightened but couldn't cancel it, and I had to take the responsibilty. It was a very busy day... at one point during all the hassle of the work, I realised that I forgot to think about my fucked up brain for the first time, I was feeling a lot better.

After that, I still had all the visuals but the panic attacks and such were gone. I avoided things that made me worse as much as I could, and started taking sword fighting lessons, I could socialize again... The visuals didn't bother me that much anymore.

At the end of that summer, I even worked at two psytrance festivals. Took no drugs, but I could still have fun.

 

Believe me, it does get better.

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I've said before  that the first 6 months, i'd forget about meds, let your body try to adjust itself without any further strain to the system. Just get 100% sober (not even caffeine), get healthy, eat right and try to limit stress in anyway possible (even if that means quitting your job and locking yourself in a dark room watching movies.... or sit on a remote beach in brazil and try to find the beauty in life again).

 

The 1st year is the hardest, it would be such a waste of your life to end it now when you could be cured in a few months, or.. if not cured, in a better position to deal with this. I was suicidal for the first year too, but now.... although life is not perfect, it is still something I can enjoy

 

Please skype (jaybirch) if you ever need any support, a shoulder to cry on, someone to get angry at.... Anything goes. Just don't give up. We are all here for you and will always be.

 

Keep on fighting.... Their will be a light at the end of the tunnel.... It might seem far, far away right now, but it WILL come.

Thanks I will take ur advice on that!! I'm going to stay on my 12.5mg of lamictal tho coz that doesn't seem to aggrivate my hppd and it stops all the fuking crazy thoughts and keeps my mood a bit stable...but it's still hell :( no more sleeping pills, nothing! I learnt that I can't fuking take anything now or it just sets me back.

That wud be great to have u on skype I will add u when I can get the time.

Jess

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Thanks I will take ur advice on that!! I'm going to stay on my 12.5mg of lamictal tho coz that doesn't seem to aggrivate my hppd and it stops all the fuking crazy thoughts and keeps my mood a bit stable...but it's still hell :( no more sleeping pills, nothing! I learnt that I can't fuking take anything now or it just sets me back.

That wud be great to have u on skype I will add u when I can get the time.

Jess

 

For a sleeping aid, try valerian root! It helped me go to sleep, and it's natural. 

 

Also, it's used for the treatment of hppd anyway, so it's a good thing to take!!

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Thanks :) I have some natural sleeping supps already and it has that in it :)

I also took melatonin last night but I still cudnt fall asleep until the morning :(

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I've had HPPD for 4 months just like you.

For me I always find my biggest progress to recovery is staying sober, from everything.

Fuck caffeine, sugar, tobacco, booze, and anything else like that.

I fucking went to HPPD hell with caffeine, I mean fucking HELL, and after taking a break for a month I can now have a small amount again with no issues.

Sobriety helps me heal.

And I don't ever return to a point where I used to be after a good sobriety.

I got shit faced last night, as drunk as I've ever been since I developed HPPD, and it didn't trigger anxiety hell like it used to.

(Yes I know it was stupid of me to binge.)

It's all getting better.

Slowly but surely.

It will get better, I promise.

Please stay here with us.

Also, Missjess, have you tried Xanax or any type of benzos? They have helped me significantly.

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I got shit faced last night, as drunk as I've ever been since I developed HPPD, and it didn't trigger anxiety hell like it used to.

(Yes I know it was stupid of me to binge.)

 

 

Yh I went to coachella last week and been drunk for about a week now. No impact on visuals, no hangover, no anxiety. Count my blessings, I might stay drunk for the rest of my days Bukowski style. 

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Thanks :) I have some natural sleeping supps already and it has that in it :)

I also took melatonin last night but I still cudnt fall asleep until the morning :(

How much melatonin did you take? I just started taking this too at 10mg a hour or so before bed. It worked real good the first day but feels like I am getting tolerant to it now but still helps. Kava helps too but for me when I drink to much Kava now it kind of makes me feel like I am high on weed and can get me a little depressed for some reason. Maybe it is all the crap going on right now. But I find you don't need much Kava with melatonin to fall asleep. Kava, like valerian to me can be kind of stimulating, I guess how xanax can be stimulating for some, so I would definitely take this stuff a few hours before bed. Magnesium is another good product for sleep. Takes awhile but once you get on a routine it gets easier to sleep. And from my experience a lack of sleep can really change your way of thinking.

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So you didnt kill yourself, thats good :)

 Cosmicslop is not the op. Though Missjess didn't commit suicide as he is still active around here.

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Missjess got cured with Ayahuasca, I think

 

She is not cured and I am pretty sure she didn't use ayahuasca

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