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    • By gabriel
      I came to talk to you about my symptoms a little bit. I'm Brazilian, so if I say something wrong, I apologize, but I'm still not fluent in English.
      About 11 months ago I tried lsd with a friend, after an hour we used weed, and after that I had a very bad trip. Only today I was able to find this forum, because until then I did not even know what I really have. After using lsd, I have never used lsd or weed again. Since then, I have a lot of anxiety, sometimes I feel very depressed, and I really feel some visual effects, such as sensitivity to light, things seem to vibrate a little, and it seems that sometimes I see traces in moving things.
      What makes me bad is that I can never stop thinking about it all, I try to fight against my own mind not to think about it, but it's very difficult, when I realize it, I'm thinking about it. From what I understand I have hppd, but is it normal for me to think about it constantly? Sometimes I think I'm going to go crazy.
      This site was very inspiring to me, until then I was very afraid of what happened to me, and not knowing that there are so many other people with the same problem. So, THANK YOU for making me a little calmer. I will accompany you always now, hoping that I will improve. Thank you.
    • By kühlschrank
      Dear Fellow Hppdler!
      So iam a hppd newbie , i've had it since this march. so roughly 5 Months.
      I actually just want to ask you if my symptoms are Hppd, or pre hppd, PTSD or whatever!
      Symptoms:
      NO visual snow! NO trailing! NO afterimages!
      The only Vision related things are:
      Increase of colour , eg trafficlights
      But somehow only bright colors do increase^^, weird stuff ^^ Normal colors look normal
      My vision got worse, like my general eyesight got worse.
       
      Then i also got DR , but no DP!
      Actually only the derealisation bothers me...
      It got better during the months, but the DR did only slightly decrease.
       
      Do you think this is Hppd?
      Iam not sure about this, i got my hppd from some horrific lsd trip , so may i just have a trip related trauma? and my mind is trying to protect itself from it by going in DR mode?
       
      PS: of couse i stopped ALL drug use since then
      sincerely,
      J
    • By Alex C
      Hi,
      I'm new to this forum and have only spent a couple of hours reading through it.
      I have had mental health problems as long as I remember but it has never been diagnosed. So it's not definite but the family doctor, past psychiatrists, and my school nurse have all thought that I suffer from anxiety and depression, and I believe so too.
      all of my symptoms make me feel ver depressed and anxious, and like my life is hopeless and I can't live like everyone else.
      i have used 25i-nbome twice, the first time was fine but the second time I had a very bad trip and I believed that I was dead.
      its been almost 3 months now and I've been experiencing what seems to be symptoms of hppd.
      My symptoms are:
      In dark rooms or when my eyes are closed I see blue or red fractals at the centre of my vision, and I'm mildly lit rooms they travel over the walls,
      Long lasting after images from bright objects,
      the worst symptom is that whenever I look at carpets and sometimes other objects they seem to grow this psychedelic pattern into them, seeing this really scares me. I avoid it by not looking at the floor basically but if I do then it will make me really anxious and more prone to my symptoms for the rest of the day. Does anybody else see this? Because I've only ever read about one other person having it.
      i see slight red lines over my keyboard on my phone screen
      On plain walls I also see what seems to be like mild static.
      when I am hungover I also have strong CEV's that basically take me back to the night before or I see a distant screen that shows what seems to be videos of me
      I still have hope for this going away as a lot of the symptoms are only really there when I think about them. So I was wondering if others think this seems hopeful or not?
      the fear of my symptoms never going away also scares me a lot and makes things a lot worse.
      i am basically sober now, I don't even drink caffeine, but I do occasionally drink alcohol which I am trying to stop. I am on a diet and I go to the gym for a couple of hours daily.
      i can have episodes where I feel a lot better and that it is going to go away, and I can sometimes have whole days when I don't think I see any visual disturbances, but small things like my mood being changed can bring it on again where I feel worried about the hallucinations all the time.
      i am only 17 so I don't have access to any medication to help yet and it takes a long time to go through the children's mental health service.
      i was wondering if people think my hppd will fade eventually, and if there is anything else I can do to further my recovery.
      please don't give comments that are negative or make me feel like I will never be cured because it makes things a lot worse for myself.
      thank you for any responses given!
       
    • By nordlife
      Hi everyone,
      i really dont know how to start and i hope you can excuse any mistakes in language as im from europe and i even have problems using my mother language at the moment due to my mental situation
      (If you want to skip the detailed story you can scroll down to my current symptoms, which basically began after one weekend of smoking too much weed where i had something like a panic attack while smoking alone.)
      Maybe i just start with a review of my past two months where my current state began and a little about me and my drug usage.
      Im 22 years old and started with drinking alcohol with 14 like all my other friends, sure i often drunk too much in the future but only at parties and never drunk alone or had the feeling that i need alcohol, pretty normal i guess.
      Last year (2016) i started smoking weed (just smoked one time before i was 21 and felt nothing so i had no demand doing it again). Due to new friends and an interest in weed because i found out my father smokes pretty often i started to smoke with friends occasionally and somehow i liked that feeling now. I would even say that after a few times i started to love that feeling. Alcohol was no more fun and i said to myself that its better to smoke sometimes and dont drink anymore except a beer or two sometimes (even my father said that to me).
      In fall last year i moved from my families house to my own place with a friend. That change in life was awesome i was so motivated, happy and loved the new freedom. Someday i bought my first own weed (maybe because it was possible now to do anything without the parents near) and i couldnt resist trying it out alone.
      It got more often and between november 2016 and march 2017 i smoked almost everyday i got time but i was still going to work everyday and university (sober). I think it still was a „normal“ amount and sometimes i didnt smoked for 2 weeks or so without a problem.
      In March a friend of mine died i didnt knew him very good because he lived in another town but somehow it bothered me a lot (dont know if this has something to do with my problem). Smoking weed after this incident was almost the same except that i felt a little tension in my chest and when i tried to sleep it took a while. 
      Then there was the weekend whereupon everything started. On saturday march 25th two friends came over to have a nice evening and smoke some weed. I already worked the whole day and was awake since 5am but i didnt smoked for a week or two so i was excited. It was a great evening but after a while i was really tired and fell asleep for a few minutes when my friends were still there. I got some new weed and they left early like 11pm.
      I dont know why but instead of going back to bed i smoked another one alone. I felt again an odd tension in my chest and was a bit nervous but after a few hours i fell asleep. The following sunday my girlfriend had no time and i had new weed so the first thing in the morning was smoking again. I smoked three joints over the day i think and felt pretty normal (just normally stoned the whole day). Only in the evening the tension came again but harder this time and there were some „stitches“ in my chest. I was getting nervous but was able to calm down myself. Again it was harder to fall asleep this evening. It was like starting to dream while still awake and realizing it and wake up due to this feeling.
      The next morning i felt normal again i think and at midday i smoked another one with my flatmate because our internet was broken and we didnt know what to do. Suddenly i felt like being between stoned and sober and i just wanted to be fully sober. Everything felt a bit unreal like a dream somehow and the fact that our internet was not working was strange in my eyes and made me ask myself „is this really happening?“. But i managed to keep calm and said too myself that everything is normal that im just stoned and that i will be sober after a few hours.
      At the evening the internet suddenly worked again and i felt good again as far as i can remember. But instead of asking myself why i felt so strange and why i had this chest tension and stitches the last days i smoked another joint at this evening. Afterwards i was with a friend on skype playing a videogame when i suddenly had the feeling of getting a heart attack or something i had to lay down and was very anxious (i think this was my first little panic attack). The feeling came like in waves but i was able to calm down myself. It was a strange feeling i felt like not getting enough oxygen in my lungs, couldnt sit still and i just wanted to go outside. I took a walk but back home i didnt felt better. The „getting a heart attack“ feeling came multiple times again. Later it got better somehow and i was able too sleep (its hard to remember details since my memory is one of the main problems now).
      After this evening everything began and before you ask i never smoked or drank again after this evening (2 months now).
      The next day i said to my girlfriend that i feel strange somehow but not bad it was a strange feeling in my stomach like being a little sick and nervous. But the day was okay i even was in the city buying some led strips for decoration but when turning them on i realized that it make me feel very sick when the lights were flashing fast. I also got that same sick feeling in my stomach when i tried to focus small text. I thought that this weekend was just too much and its like a small withdrawal.
      The next they i went to university and in the train i was getting a bit nervous and was glad when i got off but otherwise everything seemed good i could concentrate just like normal. The only thing i noticed was that at midday a had to yawn like every 5 seconds for about an hour and felt a bit light sensitive (but it was one of the first sunny days so i thought my eyes just have to adapt to the new light condition).
      Back at home i started to feel strange and very nervous again, my heart started to beat very hard and fast and i thought again that i dont get enough oxygen. I went to the hospital because i couldnt calm down. I was so nervous that i was a bit confused, they checked my heart and blood values but everything was fine. After a while i got calm and was glad about the results. I left the hospital and felt pretty okay but was scared to stay alone. 
      The days after i started to feel dizzy and extremely anxious and thought that something really is wrong with me i cried the next days very often for no real reason i felt hopeless and empty (hard to describe that emptiness). I went to my father because i couldnt be alone. At this time i knew something is different and everything felt strange and unreal like a nightmare but i couldnt really describe it and had no idea what was going on.
      After one week since all started i couldnt focus my eyes on anything for longer than a second and felt like seeing everything with 10 fps also every flickering light made me nervous and feel sick. This got better after a few days but i realized a lot new symptoms which stayed since then. So here is a list of what i noticed after the first strong fear was gone: 
      Visual problems trails but by now only in dawn light condition every light and reflection blinds me and glares, even car, bike or traffic lights at daytime long afterimages of everything, positive and negative lots of grey and normal floaters in every light condition starbursting if the environment is dark around the light sources, gets worse if the light is far away ghosting, especially if its dark and there is white text on dark background everything seems a bit oversaturated at daytime very little static my eyes seem flickering and unsettled the whole time looking at a display is hard feels like looking through a slot or that something semi transparent is diagonal about half the display difficulty to focus my eyes on something for a time longer than a few seconds the feeling that my eyes are to slow if scrolling a website or something sometimes one of my pupils is almost double the size of the other one  
      Other problems tinnitus (had tinnitus on one ear before but now worse and on both ears) constant tension in my whole body sometimes my muscles hurt even without doing sports at the beginning it was very hard to eat constant dizziness not strong but its there everything and everyone seems foreign, especially when looking in someones eyes i feel anxious and sick (maybe dp/dr dont know) cant really sleep, it feels like i instantly start to dream when i close my eyes but never get deep sleep, i wake up every 2 hours and sometimes i cant fall asleep again i feel dumb and cant concentrate at all (brain fog?) it feels like i cant think at all if i want or have to my brain just "does nothing" im really depressed i could cry every second but only because of the thought "you ruined your life, you had everything" no feelings except the one above, i feel like a robot and act the right way only because i know how to but i dont feel it (is this dp?) everything feels like a nightmare sometimes i think im still in my bed and its still march and i hope to wake up, i know this is stupid but im somehow not sure if its not true no sense of time at all, if something happend a second ago and i think about it it feels like it happend years before, i dont have feelings connected to the memories, and they all seem to be far away (anyone know this feeling?) my own thoughts "scare me" and feel also kind of far away, even if i plan to take a shower it feels strange in my head somehow old memories are suddenly in my head even if they happened 15 years ago, they are as clear as things which happened minutes ago, also if i look at something i instantly get a memory in my head which my brain seems to associate with what im seeing (i think this is one of the reasons why i feel like im in a dream and im not in here and now) i see faces and eyes everywhere even without looking for them like my brain searches for them without my control, i see them in trees, walls etc. i can say "its just a tree" and i dont see real faces or eyes but i cant see objects just like they are without my brain starting its rollercoaster drive of thoughts and associations (pareidolia i think but its extreme) i feel like the most important filter in my brain is messed up, in the city i see every reflection, movement etc. also sounds seem louder than before and i cant ignore them (i even hear sounds i didnt heard before, they are real but i think they were filtered out before, maybe hyperacusis) sometimes i think about suicide or behaving strangely and because everything feels unreal and like a dream im scared i will do it, i feel disinhibited somehow i feel like i have forgotten how to think, all i do is associate old memories and compare all the time how things were before 2 months  
      Last week (i think) i found out about HPPD and found many of my symptoms which werent explainable with other disorders, especially those visual problems. I would love to hear some opinions about my symptoms and if they are typically for the HPPD related things like dr/dp, anxiety etc. friends say that i behave just normal only a bit sad and not as happy as before. This is what gives me a little hope because sometimes i thought i become insane.
      Tanks for reading.
       
       
       
Hppdlife

Life hasn't been the same

65 posts in this topic

most of my people do understand my situation somehow..but that doesnt really help me..its you who creates your reality...make yourself free of the thought of being fucked or incurable..otherwise you will have very little to no chance of getting better..thats all i can tell you from my experience

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Hmm.... I'm really trying to stay positive about all of this. The way my family and friends are acting is fucked up, yes, but I come here for support and advice. Hearing shit like my life is going to bee fucked up forever just makes me feel hopeless. Anyone with something positive to say?

 

A list of stuff I have done since getting hppd 20+ years ago:

 

Put myself through college.

Started 2 businesses. Both successful.

Travelled to many countries.

Lived in a foreign country for 10 years, learning the language and emersing myself in the culture.

Met a great girl and married her.

Bought my own house.

Been in various bands and made all alot of interesting music.

Self taught various creative things like photography, video, web design etc.

Learnt to surf, canoe, windsurf.

 

No doubt loads of other shit too.... It's no picnic, with hppd, but life IS NOT OVER. Anyone who thinks it is needs to take back control of their life... Fight for it like you would fight against cancer.

 

The easiest thing in the world to do is let this shit take control... I let it for 2-3 years, then just swicthed my thought process and thought "fuck it... I'll go and do everything I would have done before... If it is hard, so be it, but I'll try anyway.".

 

Once you get that mindset, everything becomes possible again. Difficult, but possible.

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of course but to do so he needs so much motivation...not everybody has that much motivation...even though my hppd is long gone ..i know that nothing will happen in my life anymore (cause i feel stoned and tired all day and have no power left)..its theoretically over already...

 

dont get me wrong im not trying to stop somebody from making the most of his/her life...its just my point of view...

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You are not even at the 2 year point, so I would be cautious about using such definitive statements... You are not helping yourself by thinking like that.

 

Like I said above, I let myself fester in that mindset for 2-3 years too and no doubt I had your current mindset, it was the easiest thing to do and is probably a coping mechanism of the brain.

 

You never know when a little breakthrough might occur though... I can distinctly remember a change in mindset between years 2 and 3, even though hppd stayed the same. The brain is a strange thing, I found/learnt optimism and confidence AFTER I got hppd... I was very shy and introvert before I got hppd and during those first 2-3 years.... Now I am quite confident and positive, even with a 24/7 trip going on.

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of course but to do so he needs so much motivation...not everybody has that much motivation...even though my hppd is long gone ..i know that nothing will happen in my life anymore (cause i feel stoned and tired all day and have no power left)..its theoretically over already...

 

dont get me wrong im not trying to stop somebody from making the most of his/her life...its just my point of view...

 

When you say your HPPD is long gone, what about the non-visuals?  

 

Feeling 'stoned', tired, and without power does not sound 'long gone' ... did you feel this way before HPPD, and now your are back to square one?

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Wow! That's amazing Jay! That really gives me hope! I keep trying to put a positive spin on it but it seems people in this forum don't like that. You have definitely inspired me to keep my positive outlook and pursue with my dreams and Aspirations despite this crap. Thank you SO much! Kind words are always welcomed!

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When you say your HPPD is long gone, what about the non-visuals?  

 

Feeling 'stoned', tired, and without power does not sound 'long gone' ... did you feel this way before HPPD, and now your are back to square one?

 

 

hppd was just a visual thing for me and these visuals were terribly bad and im thankful they are all gone..even visual snow..but i have panic disorder still and thats why i mostly feel weak and tired..i dont feel to be back at square at all..that would be so bad..

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maybe this will fade over time (at least i hope so) cause on some rare days i dont feel so weak and tired..or depressed..but alway when i start feeling better my surroundings show me that i have no reason to feel good...its too bad...it causes me to ask existentiell questions.

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Change your surroundings! That's exactly what I did. I moved to the beach, got alot of sun, surfed, relaxed and slowed my life down.

 

Also, the world is a crazy, fucked up place.... I honestly think people who don't have a head full of panic and anxiety are the proper fucked up ones... To be able to ignore all the craziness that modern living has to offer is plain strange.

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im in a position where i just cant change my life..its quite hard to get out of the drug scene...and not just because i love drugs..also i have the feeling its the only thing im good for...

 

you are right the people who are not questioning themselves enough are mostly stupid ignorant assholes..but i have been able to live with this shit even though i was always being in doubt about everything for 25 years until i had that terrible overdose experience with mushrooms having the worst imaginable panic attack..it has to mean somthing else than me just having overdosed myself + i just cant accept that it isnt reversible and i have to stick with this trauma for the rest of my existence..im fighting back for 1 year and 2 month now and the only thing i have managed is wiping out hppd, remaining depression and anxiety..life is not the same anymore

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im fighting back for 1 year and 2 month now and the only thing i have managed is wiping out hppd

 

Shame the rest of us can't "only" manage to wipe out hppd.

 

Read that back then think about where you are posting  .... I can imagine someone on a cancer forum saying "im fighting back for 1 year and 2 month now and the only thing i have managed is wiping out cancer". :D  It actually made me laugh though.

 

If your brain is capable of recovering from hppd, it is more than capable of fixing the other issues, if you let it.

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now that you say it..XXXXD it makes me laught too...sry i didnt think about that while typing XD....

 

maybe you are right but my brain cant be good at all areas..

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fuck me, 4 years of this shit lol

 

thanks for all your replies, you lot really helped me out when i was a scared 16 year old not knowing what was happening to me..

find it funny that i've been to so many different psychiatrists/psychologists and not a single one of them had ever heard of HPPD.. all i'm dealing with now is the depression & anxiety (especially social anxiety) which i only developed when i was spinning the fuck out and tripping constantly, depth perception is still a little odd & of course the classic visual snow is still here but oh well, it's gradually getting better :)  

 

for the new hppd people, you will get better. stay sober as soon as you begin to develop any symptoms - thats where i messed up.

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@Hppdlife 10 days is nothing. You Will see the light at the end of the tunnel some Day. But really 10 days and you Think it shall be better. Your brain counts in months or years on in min Like you do

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