Ibogaine destroyed my life

[Missjess]

i know it's a completely left field suggestion, but i'd honestly say salvia would have a better effect on us to treat dp/dr then ibogaine// if only because salvia will make any dp/dr feel like an afterthought for 5 minutes while reality truly collapses.. and when you come back you're grateful for the tiny in comparison bit of dp/dr .. as crazy as that sounds i mean it in all seriousness.. not done like a party drug but in a controlled setting similar to ibogaine therapy and even mdma therapy it can function to undo some of the mental loops that trap people in depression

 

sorry but that is not somethng u shud be recommeding to ppl with dpdr to try!!! salvia wud make all ur problems infinitly much much worse!! salvia wud likely put someone with dpdr into a pshycosis...!!!! why wud that help dpdr when it works on the kappa receptors as an agonist and creates severe dissociaiton!??? and what sane person wud even want to experience that!!???

[Lobotomizer]

In November 2011, I used an African root bark in an attempt to cure the depersonalizations and derealization I had developed one month earlier. I had no idea what was happening to my brain at the time I developed dp/dr. I had been reading about ibogaine as a treatment for depression for a few months prior to developing dp/dr, and had considered it for that purpose as well as a predisposition for addiction which I feared succumbing to after a long battle as a teenager. Two months leading up to the dp/dr, I had been undergoing extreme stress and lack of sleep. One day it just hit me, like flipping a switch, and I was never the same again. I decided to attempt to solve my problems by flying to Mexico to use ibogaine. Rather than experiencing any of the intended effects, the experience resulted in what I feel to be severe and traumatic brain damage. Traumatic does not begin to describe the magnitude of this experience. It put me into a permanent state of hell. My symptoms were a feeling that my brain was being tasered, a sense that a high voltage of electricity was jolting through the neurons and synapses, an urge I could barely resist the urge to find the nearest precipice to jump off because my brain felt as if it were on fire. I felt as though I wanted to jump out of my skin or run screaming through the streets out of terror and in an attempt to make the fire in my brain stop. Anything to make it stop. My vision was jumpy, the colors were weird shades of green and yellow, it seemed as though I was looking out at the world from the inside of a murky algae filled fishbowl, and I felt very drunk from the sensation of ataxia. At night, my eyes saw spider webs as well as the rest of those symptoms.

Although the extreme visuals and drunk sensation toned down somewhat, the rest persisted for approximately seven months until I was prescribed Lamictal in July 2012. I had gone through a laundry list of medications that worsened my symptoms, but the Lamictal offered the first glimmer of hope. I could feel a tiny reduction in the insane frenetic energy in my brain, and that has continued with each dosage increase. I'm now at 725 mg with a target dose of 800 mg. It has been an unfathomable nightmare, and Lamictal truly saved my life; however it has not by any means cured me. I still live with intense dp/dr, but the experience is bearable. At night or when I am tired, the sense I am on a hallucinogenic drug rears it's ugly head. My brain often feels jumbled, and the sense of connectedness to my loved ones is compromised. It's an existence I would never wish on anyone, but I keep going because I have three children that need a mother in their life, and because I refuse to give up hope that I may get better. The hope that someday I might feel a modicum of joy in my life is something I refuse to give up on.

I posted on dpselfhelp for awhile and found it helped to connect with people who we're going through dp/dr as well. I also wanted to warn people against the possibility of brain damage from using ibogaine because there were some people considering using it for the same purpose I did. One young woman did choose to use it and ended up with many of the same symptoms I did. She corresponded with me for awhile but then suddenly stopped. I felt great concern she might have harmed herself or tried to end her life as she was considering that. I hope she did not give up and retained hope. There is always hope. I did know the feeling of suicidal ideation though. For many months, I felt a overwhelming urge to choose to end my life as well. I resisted because I knew I could not do that to my children.

I had never heard of hppd, but eventually learned about it and knew instantly that was what I was experiencing. Before that, the only thing I could relate to, other than an extreme version of dp/dr, were the symptoms commonly associated with some traumatic brain injuries. I met a guy who had fallen off some high scaffolding while doing construction work. He spent some time in a coma, and his family had been told that he likely would never come out of it, but he miraculously did. Needless to say, his life has never been the same. He lives in a daily hell from his brain injury. When he described his symptoms, I could relate to so many of them.

In reading many posts on this website, I feel a sense of connectedness to all of you, and I am very encouraged that we are fighting this fight together with so many who have also refused to give up hope. I'm also hoping to get some advice and feedback on treatments that have worked for people with similar symptoms to my own. I'm wondering about the possibility of getting alleviation from symptoms by trying Sinemet and/or Keppra as I've read some positive things about those drugs on this site. Any feedback would be very welcome. Thanks for taking the time to read my post, and I wish all of you healing and the hope of someday reclaiming our lives.

 

Hopefully, I can give you a glimmer of hope. I spent four years feeling suicidal from my hppd symptoms...I was in complete horror...I was sure that it never would end...realistically it gets better...you CAN EXPERIENCE JOY AND HAPPINESS. The brain is resilient!!! Look, we cant unlearn what we have esperienced. The brain stores this info but it DOES ADAPT. I priomise you will be happy again..I saw no light in my darkness for a miserable four years. YOu have no choice because of your children , and I think that's a great thing as you will get better. May I suggest meditation? Many studies show that meditation increases brain function and even neuronal growth. I don't believe however that most of what we are experiencing on these boards is "brain damage" in the physical sense. But emotional damage. EMotions can be healed.

[I survived]

Awesome read Solvieg. You're one of the few people I can semi relate to.

Thanks for your post!!