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khaozet

My drug experience (detailed and a long read)

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Hi there! My name is Jacob, and this is my story. Sorry for the length, I have a lot to share. Most people don't even know a bit of this stuff, and nobody knows all of it (especially not my thoughts along the way, which are written here).

 

I've always been interested in the human body, the brain in particular. What it is capable of, how it works and the fact that everything about you is made possible by your brain - that is just amazing, isn't it? While growing up, I came to realize that what I was seeing, feeling and hearing in the world wasn't everything. People took stuff, crazy pills and herbs, just to feel things they couldn't otherwise, or see things that weren't really there.

 

A few years ago I would never have been able to imagine myself coming across some sort of drug. However, back then it was just an innocent interest. I just saw it as something fun to read about and try to understand, all that crazy stuff people experienced. I did well in school, and always have, upon which I chose to study natural sciences. While digging deeper into biochemistry and the understanding of the world, and the human body, the interest came to increase. Suddenly, after a few years, it was not only something to read about, but rather something one should experience. I felt that I should just try something, just to gather understanding and experience, for myself and for my future life in a medical or at least scientific profession.

 

I never thought that drugs would reach me or my friends, in our small county, yet one day it suddenly happened. One after one, most of my old friends, you know the ones you grow up with, fell into it. They started smoking pot. Nothing too bad in that, really, I had read so much about it, and I didn't really see big downsides with it, nor care for that matter - what they would do in their free time was up to them. I was never asked to join them, yet more and more I would come to hear about their experiences on drugs. At first I didn't really care for it, heck, drugs are bad! But over time, my view on it started to change. One day, about a year ago, I felt that I also wanted to be a part of it, just to see what everybody was talking about. Since I didn't know how to get it, and didn't wanna take the brown stuff my friends did, since it seemed to lower your intelligence radically, I tried using a famous Swedish forum, with total anonymity, to track something down. You can't really ask for drugs, since it's prohibited on the site, but I got contacted by a guy. I thought he was nice, and he had just what I wanted, clean strains of green marijuana, not any hash. I thought he was a nice guy to help me out, and we had contact for a while. During that time I took the step of asking a few friends if they wanted in. Some had smoked pot before, and some hadn't.

 

To make an even longer story shorter, the guy I talked to scammed me. He used pictures from a seller on a closed forum, and took my money by uCash codes on the 25th of August 2012. Nothing big, people I talked to had been through worse, but as a student with no actual income, 100 bucks sucks pretty bad, especially when my friends didn't bother doing anything. Of course I don't blame them for that, I told them I was going to fix everything to begin with, so it was my responsibility, it sucked though. Also, it took quite some time before they got to know about it. Either way, I created a thread about the distrust between sellers and buyers which the scammers create, and got plenty of response. In the end, one guy offered me 2 grams, if I remember it correctly, of marijuana. I even think it was AK-47, not that it matter. However, in return I just posted a thread for his selling site on the forums, since it's closed for too new accounts.

 

Some days went by, and one day I had it in my mailbox, the first drugs I would ever come to see. I didn't bother telling my friends, no, they never asked me to join them, so I thought that I would experience this alone. I can't remember when I tried the first time, but it must've been almost exactly one year ago. I got some rolling paper and filters at a store one day, and just waited a good time out. I was so bad at doing drugs it was just ridiculous  Firstly I couldn't roll a joint, and secondly I didn't even know you needed tobacco in it. So I just put clean weed on the paper and rolled the best I could, then I went out. It didn't burn, tasted bad and I felt nothing. I had read that some people don't feel it the first time, however, looking back at it, I just utterly failed.

 

I would come to try it two more times, perhaps three or four months apart, from last year to this year. I still sucked at rolling, but if I recall it correctly, by then at least I understood that I needed tobacco in there as well. I can't remember feeling anything on these separate occasions, and if I did it was probably just placebo, or me trying and wanting to feel something. The only thing I really can remember of it is that I, at one time, felt tired, perhaps even heavy in my head, and just went to bed. This was in the middle of the week, on a regular afternoon, so of course it could just have been that I was tired from school. I never tried weed again.

 

This is where the relevant stuff starts coming in. I'm very aware of my intellect and memory, and care for its wellbeing very much, since I'm building my entire future on it. Since I sucked at smoking pot the first time and that it, from my own experience, made people more stupid (which of course can have something to do with that many people that smoke weed are plain stupid to begin with), I wanted to try something else. Something that felt like me. I began looking at mushrooms. It seemed that people would get great self insights and experiences out from it, all while it grew in nature, just like marijuana. Also, a while after looking into it, some of my friends and acquaintances had done it (If you don't know, one of the most potent psychedelic mushrooms in the world grow in Sweden by autumn).

 

By the time I thought about doing it, last autumn was over, and there were no mushrooms left to collect. It was by then that I came back to try pot the other two times. However, my classmate, who is one of the smartest guys I know, just kept on about how rad the experience was and how he and his other pal he did it with would collect more mushrooms the next autumn (which is this year - now).  A few months later I also found out that the other guys I knew that had done it got theirs from a guy that had sold them. I never contacted him though. Instead me and my classmate talked on and off about drug stuff, such as buying grow boxes and such, however, we would never come to do anything out of it. Instead, one day, late spring this year, he would come to me and say that he got some samples of something - the psychedelic research chemical 25I-NBOMe.

 

Before this happened, we had talked a lot about doing drugs, and what we would never do. We were smart guys, or so it seemed at that point. I would never do anything past hallucinogens, and he was a bit more extreme, never doing anything past Ecstasy or Cocaine. One thing he said to me was that he would NEVER take an RC, a promise which he would break rather soon. Even though this guy is quite experimental, and that I thought he would put almost anything in his body with just a little bit of convincing, I myself thought I'd never do anything like that.

 

The time went, and my friend got his samples. He told me that he had read everything about it online, and that it seemed to be nothing bad about NBOMe. I myself became quite interested, and managed to get four samples myself, two each of both 25I-NBOMe and a mix of 25I and 25C. He and his other junkie friends tripped on the chemicals, and it was great, according to him. They did it several times, and it was such a fun, special and cool experience. Once a few of them took two blotters, upon which things flipped, and the police got them. I don't know what happened to the other guys, but it was a hilarious story, and my friend wasn't one of those who took both. So he kept praising the two drugs on the different occasions we met and would talk about such stuff. I just waited for the right moment, as I was getting quite impatient to try myself.

 

So, this summer, and more exactly, the 12th of July 2013, I was attending a party with my old class. It was a fun and nice night, seeing and talking to everybody, since we just graduated from our equivalent to high School and were about to go to a college/university or start working. However, the day after, when I got home, was when things started. I live with my mother one week, and my father the other, it's been like that for about seven years now. There's not really any problem with it - they get along and live just 200 meters apart, so I like living like that. However, when I came home after this party, in the middle of the day, just a bit hungover, nobody was home. My mother travels every once in a while in her job, just for a few days, and now she had been gone for three or four days already, and wasn't coming home until sunday, tomorrow. My father, on the other hand, was out in our summerhouse, where he had been for the past few weeks of his vacation  I didn't feel like going there, and I had no job during the summer, unlike most of my friends, so there was nothing to do. Me and my friends play computer games together a lot, and that day I was just sitting there, all alone. I started feeling bad, like that summer depression you get from boredom, but this was real. It wasn't the first time I was sitting  alone at home that summer, but it was the first time NOBODY would come home, and nobody would talk to me, or play something, all at once. So it struck me, the small pieces of paper that were lying in a box in my room, wrapped in tin foil.

 

I took them up, and I thought about it for a while, perhaps even hours. They were just lying there in front of me, and I didn't do anything. I knew how to do it, and how to get most out of it. I brushed my gums with my toothbrush and sat down. Then I regretted myself. I put the box down again and kept on playing SimCity. After a while I took it up once again, the last time. My friend, who was currently somewhere else in the country, and I had been chatting with just a bit every hour during the day replied to me and wondered if I wanted to play. By that point I made up my mind. I replied to him and said: "We'll see if I'm available ^^" and so I put the tiny patch in my mouth.

 

The experience was odd, cool and freaky. I spat the blotter out after about 20-30 minutes, when things started to happen. I couldn't read on my screen, and rows of text started overlapping. I felt weird, like I was tired in all my body, yet the drug wouldn't let me close my eyes and relax, which might be because I had been drinking the day before. Instead I just tried to enjoy the ride, since things could go bad otherwise. I went out for a few minutes, as I read you should, but went back in after sitting on a bench for a short while, and seeing the grass grow in front of my eyes. Kids were running by laughing, and I smiled, but I didn't want people to see me like that, so I went back in. I found music one should listen to while tripping, and most of the time I spent in my bed, looking at stuff. At one point I called my experienced friend and tried to talk to him, he mostly laughed at me. As most of you guys out there now, on this drug, you get what I like to call momentarily retarded - your brain can only focus at one thing at a time. So we hung up. I spent the night going back and forth, writing stuff and laughing a bit, mostly enjoying music.

 

I got a text from my girlfriend, who was in another part of the country during the week, while being affected. She asked me if I had forgot about her, followed by sad smileyfaces, since I hadn't called or written anything to her all day, and the fact is that I had. I felt so bad that I got shot down and sank right through the ground. I knew I was going to see her tomorrow, on Sunday, which I think is why I really didn't think too much about talking to her, even though it struck me several times during the day to say something, which I then forgot to. Even though I'm not really sure how serious she was about it, it might've been that she forgot about that we were seeing each other tomorrow, I really felt like shit. The thing is that it's not like you're not aware of what's happening on this stuff, but rather the opposite, you're too aware. The drug made me feel pathetic over what I had done and I was overanalyzing every bit of the conversation. For every response she had, my brain was thinking how she must be sitting there all sad and disappointed in me, while I'm here, not even thinking about her on drugs. I felt mean, sad and unappreciative of what I had. I used my best efforts to think like I would otherwise, and talked through the conversation, reminding her that we would see each other tomorrow. Then I layed my phone off to charge, hoping that it wouldn't give off another sound that night. Just to have en excuse not to respond, since I didn't wanna do that while being affected by a drug and lie, I thought I'd go out, and perhaps clear my mind. I was still affected by the drug, but the peak had passed, so I grabbed a shirt and went out.

 

I left home about 10:00 PM in the night, without a phone, and went out for a walk all alone,  which was a stupid move looking back at it. At start it was nice though, and I tried to feel calm and not think too much about the things that had happened this far. I was still seeing some stuff in the ground, such as emblems and flags, but I think it was just the afterglow. I got home about an hour later, just to find my neighbors sitting out talking and having smokes. I said hello and went by in. A friend of my mom, and my closest neighbor asked me what I had done out by now, and I said I had been out for a walk, since I have no job and nothing to do on the days. They offered me to stay out with them. I thought I was fine, so, feeling rather clear in my head, I stayed out with them, talking a bit. Now, I wasn't sober at all, I could tell by how my mind worked. I felt like I talked funny and that the right tone to talk in didn't come naturally, such as the difference in tone while stating or asking something. I had to think in detail about everything I would like to say and I couldn't talk fluidly. Suddenly, in the middle of a sentence, I could lose track. Also I couldn't go in because I wanted to make up for the mistakes in social communication I was doing, which instead of course made things worse. She asked me if I had been up in the apartment by the computer all day, and I started rumbling on about what I had done the night before, just to be able to say "no, I got home from a party a bit after lunch, so I haven't been sitting there for that long", since I didn't want her to think that I had done nothing what-so-ever during my free time not working. However, while trying to explain that I lost the track of words, and just stood there, frantically searching in my mind for whatever I was talking about. I stood there for about six seconds, staring into the ground and not doing anything, before she tried to help me with the words I was looking for. I felt embarrassed  and thought that they maybe suspected something. My brain went berserk. Eventually though, despite me standing there frozen with nothing on my mind but that mistake, a few of them went in. Me and two more, one of them being the close neighbor, stayed. The only reason I was still out was to talk a bit and try to seem normal, again to try and save my mistakes. While it still felt unnatural I tried to get into some conversations, before I finally said that I felt sleepy and would go in and go to bed.

 

My adrenaline was pumping as I got in, and I tried go to sleep, but I couldn't. Instead I started doing dishes and my mind went through so many thoughts; Did they suspect anything? What will they think about me? Will I be known as a druggie all over town? Will my family reputation be ruined? Should I tell my mom, my dad, my girlfriend or talk to my neighbor about it? Should I ask her if she suspected anything, pretend I was tired, drunk or should I say that I'm sorry? For every thought I was dragged down more and more. The worst was what I almost said when I lost my track of words, something like "Oh, I think I'm still a little bit drunk" which of course, in my mind, would be a reasonable explanation to why I forgot what I was going to say - I was drinking the night before, remember? However, I managed to calm myself, after a while. Though just as I thought I had it all settled, and that it felt just a bit okay, I went by the mirror. I stopped, and saw my eyes - the pupils were huge. The questions started popping up again, and I just felt so small on earth, worrying about everything. I ended up in bed, watching a movie, not trying to think about it. The movie ended late at night and eventually I fell asleep.

 

The morning after I had no problems from what I can remember. I felt embarrassed and pathetic for taking the drug, talking to my girlfriend on it and all that other stuff that had happened the night before. However, I can't really remember any big changes regarding my physical or mental health. I think i started to see a small thin shadow line in my vision, which showed when I looked up and moved my eye, especially while looking into the sky, right the day after, but I'm not sure. Anyhow, I didn't really think about it, and just accepted the fact it was there, it was nothing serious, and I probably just expected it to go away. I did, however, feel depressed over all that had happened the night before, but as soon as my mom and girlfriend came home, I felt a lot better. Though, I felt bad in another way since I didn't know if I should say anything, in the end all things I was worried about the night before was eating me from the inside, just not as much as while I was on the drug. It ended up with me not saying a word, and one week passed. That weekend I was attending another party, on a peninsula in the village of another former class mate. I drank a bit of alcohol, not that much, but I didn't really feel anything new from it during the night, nor the following morning. So I just went home, like usual.

 

About one and a half week later I went to my sister in a city a bit north of where I live, since we were attending a music festival in Germany. We would get there by buss via a company, like they do every year, and it was about a 16 hour trip. Also it was my first time. Other than sitting in a bus for that long is quite demanding, it went alright. I forgot my pillow, and for about four days I spent my time drinking beer, watching bands, talking and sleeping on a hard air mattress with earplugs and without a pillow. Every time I woke up, looking up at a sunlit tent roof, I saw that shadowy thing moving with my vision, and each day I hoped I would wake up not to see it. Other than that I didn't really feel anything different. I knew I was having a slight sight problem, so when I looked at the trees in daylight, a bit drunk, I felt something was weird, but I just thought it had to do with my vision getting worse, and of course me being intoxicated.

 

And so we went home, by bus. The trip was equally long and even more arduous, full of high sound and bad sleep. We got home in the morning, at about 06:00 AM. I sat up for a bit, watching stuff that I had missed on the computer, before I went to sleep in my sister and her common-law husband's guest room. When I woke up, not that many hours later, I felt like something was different. I was laying there, staring into the bookshelf, full of books in all kinds of colors. While focusing at one spot, I could see the colors of the other books pulse in my vision, something I know believe is visual snow so intense and dense that it looks just like pulsing. At that point I suddenly started remembering about that shadow line, and that it had to have something to do with that. I thought about it for a while, and recalled reading something about afterimages, which I at that time thought the black shadow flying around in my vision was. Now I know it's not that, but that was all I had ever read and found about side-effects, and the word seemed to fit the shadow following my eye movement. I also remembered reading that it could happen to a few people taking such drugs. I also noticed like static on black shirts at night, and that I had big problems with reading in a mixed light setting. So, I started looking things up, searching for what I was seeing, reading forums and in the end I found out about it - HPPD, which is the condition I've now diagnosed myself with.

 

Today, about three months after I took the drug to begin with, things have started to get worse. Over time, symptoms that wasn't there to begin with have appeared. For those out there wondering, I'm currently experiencing:

Visual snow - Not seen at all times, only when focusing at one spot or looking at a solid color. Outside it's usually not even noticeable.

Floaters - Mostly when tired or looking into the sky like regular people.

The shadow lines - Which my eye doctor seem to think is the vitreous moving around or reshaping. It might be that it's always been there, just that my drug use made my eye lose the ability to ignore it.

Big halos - Mostly while it's night out. Though I can see it around regular lights, and the sun. I do see bigger auras around lights than I used to.

Light sensitivity - The sun light is extremely strong and regularly not bright lights, such as a white wall, will mid day hurt my eyes for a few seconds. Lights leave negative afterimages much sooner and just looking through a window when it's bright outside can do the same.

Starbursts - Not really sure if I have an extreme case or not, but I get it from everything. I see starbursts from the television, bursting straight down from the screen, obviously more when I'm tired, since everybody can see them slightly by squinting. Just having a light shine at a regular object, such as a pen, can make me see starbursts from the pen itself.

Ghosting - If I squint or if I'm tired I can see it on regular objects. If I look at a reflection in a mirror I can see it in some cases, and If I look through glass or in the reflection of a window, I see it all the time, and some times even more than double. Also, light is always ghosting, especially tiny lights, or lights seen from a distance. The further away, the worse ghosting. This might also be why I see it on screens. If I for example watch just above a word on screen, it will eventually appear a copy of it in the empty space right above it.

Trails - Discovered this a few nights ago. I've never seen it before, but when I was really tired, and waved my phone back and forth in front of me while looking at something else, I saw the screen leaving trails for about half a second. Last night, waving my phone in front of my eyes would instead leave a ghost image of the screen following my movement.

Size distortion and moving objects - Different depending on time and state. It's been worse this weekend, probably because I haven't seen my girlfriend like I usually do, but instead spent all my time by the computer. Words sway around a bit while reading. Other than that, If I look at pictures or patterns they might be moving and changing a bit, but I'm not sure, this might also be the visual snow spooking around.

 

Since I figured out about what I was suffering, kinda a few days after I got home, I've completely stopped with alcohol and I will never touch drugs again, even though it sometimes feels like everything is over. My main issue right now is to go out and exercise, since that appears to be of great help, but I don't like going to the gym anymore. Also, I should stop eating candy and crisps, since that could help out, though I haven't noticed any difference from stopping, and it's really hard because it makes me feel good for just a moment! I'm, however, still healthy and normal weight. Other than that I try, as often as I can, to ignore it, even though it's hard. I eat home cooked food almost every meal each day, and when I don't I just eat sandwiches. Even though I don't like salad I try to eat it from time to time, when the opportunity is given, and I've tried some vitamins, which I haven't noticed any difference from. I'm not really sure if sitting by the computer and playing games as much as I do is a good thing, since it's hard on the eyes in general and I can have worse symptoms after going away from the screen, but playing takes my mind off of things for a while. Even though I read that you shouldn't read too much about it, I've found some peace in finding out about how other people are having it and that some people have recovered, even though I haven't found anybody that share as many visual symptoms as I that have recovered and wrote about it. At least I'm currently not having any DP or DR and I just hope to get better.

 

This was my story, thank you for reading about it, It's been a relief!

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Hey man! Sorry to hear about your unfortunate experience; HPPD really isn't a pretty place to be. I really commend you on your cautious approach to drug use, it's just such a damn shame that a first trip can throw you right into the midst of it. It's hard not to feel somewhat bitter toward those people who manage to trip regularly on a whole host of stuff synthetic and otherwise and get along just fine, haha.

 

25-I-NBOMe is a pretty nasty beast; a bunch of stuff lead to my current HPPD situation but it was definitely a prominent catalyst, and there are plenty of stories of it triggering HPPD symptoms around the net. The "it's legal therefore it's safe" attitude, supported by many a self-proclaimed "psychonaut" around the net, has certainly put a lot of people in strife.

 

I'd take comfort in the fact that you only tripped once and that it was only one drug involved; those cases tend to be the least prolonged and are easier to understand the extent and cause of (though it's never especially clear with HPPD). As for what to do, it's generally the common sense stuff that helps most. Eat well, sleep well, exercise, study, keep up your hobbies, get out and see friends, etc. Avoid all recreational drugs as well as you can; pretty much anything in this category has the potential to prolong and possibly worsen your symptoms. The way I look at it is the more you avoid them now, the sooner your symptoms will clear up and the sooner you'll be able to enjoy them without the baggage of HPPD. Stop yourself from getting too caught up about it all; often the more you think about it, the more catastrophising you do about the situation, the more regret and anxiety you feel, and the more your life will get less enjoyable. Anxiety is implicated in causing symptoms to worsen and triggering/exacerbating the cognitive, DP/DR side of things, and it's a very easy trap to fall into - feeling horrible and sorry for yourself.

 

At the same time, you might want to look into treatment: there are a few drugs whose names get tossed around here that you might try to get prescribed (I'm sure you've seen a few of them mentioned already). There are various supplements/nootropics that might be worth a shot, some people have had positive experiences with a variety of such things. Again though, be cautious about micromanaging your cognition and symptoms; it's enough to drive you insane! Perpetually monitoring the severity of certain symptoms, whether some supplement is doing a certain thing, if your memory is optimal, etc. will only worsen the impact it'll have on your life. In a lot of ways the most productive response to HPPD is just to do your best to ignore it, just accept the symptoms as part of your current experience and go on with life as normal. Possibly easier said than done, but the closer you can get to achieving this, the closer you'll be to getting on with life as normal, and hopefully recovery!

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Hey man! Sorry to hear about your unfortunate experience; HPPD really isn't a pretty place to be. I really commend you on your cautious approach to drug use, it's just such a damn shame that a first trip can throw you right into the midst of it. It's hard not to feel somewhat bitter toward those people who manage to trip regularly on a whole host of stuff synthetic and otherwise and get along just fine, haha.

 

25-I-NBOMe is a pretty nasty beast; a bunch of stuff lead to my current HPPD situation but it was definitely a prominent catalyst, and there are plenty of stories of it triggering HPPD symptoms around the net. The "it's legal therefore it's safe" attitude, supported by many a self-proclaimed "psychonaut" around the net, has certainly put a lot of people in strife.

 

I'd take comfort in the fact that you only tripped once and that it was only one drug involved; those cases tend to be the least prolonged and are easier to understand the extent and cause of (though it's never especially clear with HPPD). As for what to do, it's generally the common sense stuff that helps most. Eat well, sleep well, exercise, study, keep up your hobbies, get out and see friends, etc. Avoid all recreational drugs as well as you can; pretty much anything in this category has the potential to prolong and possibly worsen your symptoms. The way I look at it is the more you avoid them now, the sooner your symptoms will clear up and the sooner you'll be able to enjoy them without the baggage of HPPD. Stop yourself from getting too caught up about it all; often the more you think about it, the more catastrophising you do about the situation, the more regret and anxiety you feel, and the more your life will get less enjoyable. Anxiety is implicated in causing symptoms to worsen and triggering/exacerbating the cognitive, DP/DR side of things, and it's a very easy trap to fall into - feeling horrible and sorry for yourself.

 

At the same time, you might want to look into treatment: there are a few drugs whose names get tossed around here that you might try to get prescribed (I'm sure you've seen a few of them mentioned already). There are various supplements/nootropics that might be worth a shot, some people have had positive experiences with a variety of such things. Again though, be cautious about micromanaging your cognition and symptoms; it's enough to drive you insane! Perpetually monitoring the severity of certain symptoms, whether some supplement is doing a certain thing, if your memory is optimal, etc. will only worsen the impact it'll have on your life. In a lot of ways the most productive response to HPPD is just to do your best to ignore it, just accept the symptoms as part of your current experience and go on with life as normal. Possibly easier said than done, but the closer you can get to achieving this, the closer you'll be to getting on with life as normal, and hopefully recovery!

 

Thanks for the response, really! I was starting to believe that nobody would have the patience or interest to read through it all, let alone give such a great response!

 

Regarding avoiding recreational drugs, I'm currently having no problems with that. The other night, while driving my friends into a nearby city, I took half a non-alcoholic beer, which contains 0.5% alcohol. I don't think it will affect me in any way, but of course I have my fears of worsening my ability to recover. My greatest concern is wether eating stuff like candy, crisps and cake could have any impact on my recovery. What would you say is eating and sleeping well is? Currently I'm having a bit of trouble to sleep. Also, as soon as I got it, I tried to meet my friends more often, and still do, however, the computer is still a big part of my hobbies, and I'm still worried if it can worsen things.

 

Yeah, I've read some about drugs and supplements on here, but I always feel it's too much to grip, so I mostly just leave it. I mean, some people get better with drugs, and some say the make things worse - same with supplements Do you have any suggestions?

 

Haha, it's like you can read my mind, I do that very often! Like testing my memory, or flicking back and forth with my eyes to see if I have palinopsia, you know, the positive after images. I also tried some multi-vitamins a few days and thought about if I noticed any difference. The biggest thing I was obsessing about before is wether I will be able to study what I want or not - if my HPPD will be or become too severe to study. Lately I've just tried to ignore that and think: "Hey, let's see when the time comes."

 

Again, thank you so much for your response, I think it will help me a lot!

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Hey. So I think you said it's been about two months. That was about when I realized I wasn't just going to snap out of it, and that this was going to take a while to get better. I pretty much was a shut in for the entirety of that time. The hours of minecraft... Anyway, I wouldn't worry too much about medication right now, unless of course you have depression or sever anxiety. The goal now is getting to a place where you can function in a semi-normal way. Staying healthy, exercising, socializing, and eating well, i.e. avoiding some of those chips ;) will help you you feel better, and possibly eventually get better, but don't beat yourself up over the specifics. The first year was the hardest, after that I was ok with my HPPD, whether or not it actually improved. Once you are at a stable state you could try some more involved medications, but you don't want to be throwing new things in, while you are still all over the place emotionally. It's been about two years for me now, and I am finally feeling some of my DP/DR lessen. It helped to notice little changes, like seeing textures, or the hair on my arm, or peoples lips moving. Anyway, I hope things improve for you.

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Guilty, it was too long for me to read. 

Eating well means eating well. Basically not eating junk food. 

I started to eat well after hppd but i didnt really notice a difference. 

It took me 4-5month to reach hppd baseline (even though im in month 5 right now so who knows) and about 2 month in, i developed anxiety and mild dpdr which all stayed only for about 2-3 weeks. I dont know if eating well helped with that but probably not? 

 

After about 4 month of eating healthy, (i lost like 10kg due to that), I started to introduce shitty food back into my diet. I dont really notice a difference. In fact, it can be quite 'supportive' since it brings back one of the pleasures in life. Eating healthy is good all around but being conscious about everything i ate was taking its toll because i was feeling like a desperate sick person. 

However, I do believe in a gut connection with hppd so i still keep the shitty food to a bare minimum. 

Im starting re-develop some anxiety but i think its due to the fact that my hair is balding. WTF another symptom of my disease imo since i dont have anyone bald in my family and im only 23. Might be due to the stress of hppd, just thinking about it everyday.

 

Sleeping well basically means getting 7-8hours and only 7-8hours a sleep a day on a regular day-night schedule.

 

Hppd is so unique so u have to try out different drugs to see what works or just not use them at all since it not really a 'cure'. 

 

I think its very rare if supplements make someone worse but i think they dont really do too much for visuals. Many people say that magnesium and vitamin b complex helps with the mental(dp/dr/brain fog/ etc) issues though. 

 

My starbursts occur any light sources that are very bright to begin with like LEDs, sun, headlights, and reflections of those but nothing from screens. Same with ghosting, the ghosting i only notice is on LEDs and high contrast stuff. Trailing i also only notice at night on my bed when playing with my phone. Your symptoms seem similar to mine especially since having mild/to no visual snow seems to be an uncommon thing amongst hppders?? 

 

Do you have any non-visual symptoms like tinnitus, nerve zaps, dry eyes, etc?

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Guilty, it was too long for me to read. 

Eating well means eating well. Basically not eating junk food. 

I started to eat well after hppd but i didnt really notice a difference. 

It took me 4-5month to reach hppd baseline (even though im in month 5 right now so who knows) and about 2 month in, i developed anxiety and mild dpdr which all stayed only for about 2-3 weeks. I dont know if eating well helped with that but probably not? 

 

After about 4 month of eating healthy, (i lost like 10kg due to that), I started to introduce shitty food back into my diet. I dont really notice a difference. In fact, it can be quite 'supportive' since it brings back one of the pleasures in life. Eating healthy is good all around but being conscious about everything i ate was taking its toll because i was feeling like a desperate sick person. 

However, I do believe in a gut connection with hppd so i still keep the shitty food to a bare minimum. 

Im starting re-develop some anxiety but i think its due to the fact that my hair is balding. WTF another symptom of my disease imo since i dont have anyone bald in my family and im only 23. Might be due to the stress of hppd, just thinking about it everyday.

 

Sleeping well basically means getting 7-8hours and only 7-8hours a sleep a day on a regular day-night schedule.

 

Hppd is so unique so u have to try out different drugs to see what works or just not use them at all since it not really a 'cure'. 

 

I think its very rare if supplements make someone worse but i think they dont really do too much for visuals. Many people say that magnesium and vitamin b complex helps with the mental(dp/dr/brain fog/ etc) issues though. 

 

My starbursts occur any light sources that are very bright to begin with like LEDs, sun, headlights, and reflections of those but nothing from screens. Same with ghosting, the ghosting i only notice is on LEDs and high contrast stuff. Trailing i also only notice at night on my bed when playing with my phone. Your symptoms seem similar to mine especially since having mild/to no visual snow seems to be an uncommon thing amongst hppders?? 

 

Do you have any non-visual symptoms like tinnitus, nerve zaps, dry eyes, etc?

 

Thanks for your response!

 

Another thing regarding ghosting, which I happened to notice yesterday while doing an exam (the swedish SATs), is that I also see it in shadows. To explain it: I see a weaker, slightly offset image of shadows in moderate light.

 

I guess I have some other symptoms, but I'm really not sure if I developed those on my own or just manage to notice them now that I've read that HPPD can create them. I might have tinnitus, and if that is the case, I only hear it when I'm about to sleep or just when I wake up and get out of bed. Also, even then, it's a very vague sound. I've had tinnitus in the past, as a drummer, for a few days, but it went away. However, since that, or perhaps even before and throughout my life, I've heard a weak beep sound while being in silent environments or keeping sound out with my hands. Perhaps even all people hear that, it's not like it sounds more in either ear - it's just there. So I'm not really sure, actually. Other than that it seems that there aren't much more.

 

What are nerve zaps?

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Good read. I like you're writing style. Very fluent and controlled. Wish I had the same skill :)

 

Nice to read you're keeping positive. I think we both came about trying drugs in a very similar way. We've both grown up in the "drugs are bad for you" culture and conformed for years. Then a little science knowledge comes into play (Chemistry BSc) and before you know it you're researching into these mind altering compounds all the 'bad kids' raved about! I spent months reading about them on Bluelight. I came to the conclusion that my parents, the schools and the Government were wrong for preaching that all drugs were bad. Drugs only had such a negative light because the uneducated users weren't responsible enough to use safely. I decided that Magic Mushrooms were a natural gift, a forbidden fruit kept hidden! How dare they make a naturally growing fungus that grows not 5 minutes from my house illegal to consume! 

 

Well now we're here on hppdonline lol! You have to laugh a little bit, eh?

 

My thread: http://hppdonline.com/index.php?/topic/2286-the-head-pressure-and-my-hppd/

 

All the best mate, feel free to PM if you want to chat.

 

You mention nerve/brain zaps. I had a pretty crazy experience of one a couple of days after trying MDMA. A shiver from head to toe in the middle of the night, right down my spine. Possible the most unnatural feeling I've ever experienced. You?

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Good read. I like you're writing style. Very fluent and controlled. Wish I had the same skill :)

 

Nice to read you're keeping positive. I think we both came about trying drugs in a very similar way. We've both grown up in the "drugs are bad for you" culture and conformed for years. Then a little science knowledge comes into play (Chemistry BSc) and before you know it you're researching into these mind altering compounds all the 'bad kids' raved about! I spent months reading about them on Bluelight. I came to the conclusion that my parents, the schools and the Government were wrong for preaching that all drugs were bad. Drugs only had such a negative light because the uneducated users weren't responsible enough to use safely. I decided that Magic Mushrooms were a natural gift, a forbidden fruit kept hidden! How dare they make a naturally growing fungus that grows not 5 minutes from my house illegal to consume! 

 

Well now we're here on hppdonline lol! You have to laugh a little bit, eh?

 

My thread: http://hppdonline.com/index.php?/topic/2286-the-head-pressure-and-my-hppd/

 

All the best mate, feel free to PM if you want to chat.

 

You mention nerve/brain zaps. I had a pretty crazy experience of one a couple of days after trying MDMA. A shiver from head to toe in the middle of the night, right down my spine. Possible the most unnatural feeling I've ever experienced. You?

 

Thank you, that really makes me happy to hear!

 

Well, I'm afraid that the text might make me seem a bit stronger and more positive than I actually am. I mean, this thing is wearing me out each and every day. However, I'm glad to see that there's someone who's kinda like me out there, regarding the actual interest in science, how drugs affect you and how we came to be inaugurated in the using. There's only one other guy I know who's like that, and that's the one who brought this fucking chemical upon me. Good to see, though!

 

Haha, yeah, I guess it's kinda the irony of life, right?

 

Yeah, I just read it and I'm glad that you're getting better! I mean, you were actually able to notice your symptoms, diagnose and quit the drinking after a night of wine. Unfortunately for me, that's not the case. I never realized I had this until it was far too late, and now, 4 months later, I still see no improvement. I try to keep my hopes up about that things will change and I will too eventually start getting better, but like for most other people, hope starts to fade eventually.

 

I guess I'm feeling a little bit better though. I mean, despite the fact that the visuals haven't changed, I must say I feel quite okay psychologically. Not sure if it has something to do with my brain healing, or the actual fact that I told my parents and they will help me as much as they can, starting with CBT, but I'm just not as sad over the visuals anymore. Perhaps it's just me letting go of it and accepting everything I see as a part of my life. Though, it's nice to think that maybe things are actually starting to happen up there and improve for the better. I guess that we'll see in time.

 

Regarding brain zaps, I don't even know what it is. It was one of the other members who replied that mentioned it. I guess I've felt it once, if I know what you're talking about. I tried to sleep, and just then I heard an explosion-like buzz and my neck just got extremley tense, and I even think my head just flew up from the pillow. Is that it?

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How are you doing now mate? I've gotten a little but worse but that's because of alcohol. No more for me!

 

Yea the buzz and jolt down your body is exactly what I felt... while I was asleep. Weirdest thing ever I think! My head flew up from the pillow too as I woke up! I thought I'd been abducted my an alien or something!

 

I'm confident without alcohol we will recover... in time  :)  I really 'hope' you're doing better. (Don't let it fade! ;) ) What country are you from, I'd be interested to chat/skype?

 

I've not told my parents; don't think I will. They are going through enough (divorce) as it is. Best not tell them their son is a failed druggy too! Hehe. I'm real glad your parents are very supportive of you though, I can only imagine the weight lifted upon sharing it with them.

 

Kind regards,

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I hope we are not all Destin to die into eternal shut eye. Unfortunately we are told to believe it will all go away, just ignore it, accept it, take a few vitamins, exercise, nootropics, supplements, pharmas, benzo's from all kinds of philosophical theorists. I believe this is not a fictitious fairytale world that will cure up through these alleged antidotes. I personally know we need to take this seriously and our counterparts, doctors, psychologist, neurologists and ultimately ourselves need to get a clear crystallized concept of how this affects us on a personal, emotional and spiritual level.

Lets understand that this is not normal to our mental state in any way shape or form or acceptable by the intoxication of psychedelic and chemical residues. There is an obvious imperfection in the kick start portion of the brain to convert back the controls of audio/visual functionalities to maintain normalization by array of side affects from the disposition of these horrible drugs consumed by us. These mind alterations are so overwhelming its like an echo affect off our visual stimulus, audio stimulus, personification stimulus, reality stimulus and self-actualization stimulus. I feel there is an impairment in the frontal cortex above the brainstem in the region where the pituitary gland and hypothalamus work together simultaneously. The hypothalamus is responsible for linking the nervous system endocrine system which notices natural ever day things like objects, light, shadows, shades, tones and sounds as well as body temperature, thirst, fatigue and sleep while filtering out the less significant things to the more important ones.

l feel sometimes I'm over analyzing every fractal portion of blue, red, orange spectrum of light relayed by my optical nerve to the visual cortex which distorts my perception of over visual stimulus fumbled by my hypothalamus. The sense of sight is over exaggerated beyond my human mental horizon. This is where I get tracers, trails, streamers, visual snow, hallelujah halos, ghostly glows and a whole lot more in the field of my vision.

I don't think u want me to get into "Tinnitus of Tinnitusation" I will next time simplify my post on this thread or others.. CHEERS H.P.P.D.24YEARS and still suffering...

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I hope we are not all Destin to die into eternal shut eye. Unfortunately we are told to believe it will all go away, just ignore it, accept it, take a few vitamins, exercise, nootropics, supplements, pharmas, benzo's from all kinds of philosophical theorists. I believe this is not a fictitious fairytale world that will cure up through these alleged antidotes. I personally know we need to take this seriously and our counterparts, doctors, psychologist, neurologists and ultimately ourselves need to get a clear crystallized concept of how this affects us on a personal, emotional and spiritual level.

 

Blimey you're a cheery one ain't ya! Hope is powerful mate.

 

When you noticed you first had it 24 years ago... did you stop taking more drugs? Do you still consume now? Your reply is interesting; a mash up of spiritualism and science.

 

Don't feel like you have to simplify your text though. We can follow... there's always Google if we get lost ;-)

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Hope is a ponder into the good of something while aiming into a positive outcome or result. The problem with that is by the time u see a psych-doctor or neurologist they tell u what ur problem is (which u already know) they don't give u the antidote but possibly conventional medicine that doesn't take anything away completely (they've been doing this since the sixties) love the progression of repeat. Then they get paid for the same rhetorical spin on each decade of hppd disorder. What a fucking joke.. That's like going to a mechanic to fix ur car, he tells u what's wrong with it, but doesn't FIX it, then bills u for it, that's more insane than the disorder the even more cracked out crazier thing of it is we accept the process and pay.. Like when I seen my ear specialist for tinnitus he told me there was nothing he could do.. Then y is he getting paid?? He's not doing his job.. These professionals are to complacent about doing nothing in regards to fixing it while receiving a standing ovation for no solutions.

In regards to answering ur question about doing drugs after the known affect of something wrong with me but did not know of the diagnosis? I did not do drugs because they retriggered the previous bad trip from the magic mushroom laced with acid I took 24 years ago. I do not take drugs now either. I did consume alcohol though it actually took it away and it was my only escape.. I stopped that because I was becoming an alcoholic so it was kind of a catch 22 for me. Alcohol did not make me paranoid and it took away my visuals completely as well as my dp/dr. My ear ringing was amplified when I went to bed that was about it. H.p.p.d24years and going on 25.

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How are you doing now mate? I've gotten a little but worse but that's because of alcohol. No more for me!

 

Yea the buzz and jolt down your body is exactly what I felt... while I was asleep. Weirdest thing ever I think! My head flew up from the pillow too as I woke up! I thought I'd been abducted my an alien or something!

 

I'm confident without alcohol we will recover... in time  :)  I really 'hope' you're doing better. (Don't let it fade! ;) ) What country are you from, I'd be interested to chat/skype?

 

I've not told my parents; don't think I will. They are going through enough (divorce) as it is. Best not tell them their son is a failed druggy too! Hehe. I'm real glad your parents are very supportive of you though, I can only imagine the weight lifted upon sharing it with them.

 

Kind regards,

 

I guess I'm doing fine. I've managed to cope with the fact that things will remain like this, maybe for a week of forever - trying to take things slowly and don't worry too much about the future have really helped me. I used to obsess about not being able to perceive reality like I used to before all this. Now, instead, I try to accept the fact that this now is my reality. Psychologically I'm stable, and I rarely feel bad about it anymore, but I do believe my visals are worsening. I hope things will turn around. Except the fact that I don't drink, life is moving on like usual.

 

Haha yeah, it was a really odd feeling! Only happened to me once, though!

 

Sorry to hear about that your drinking made it worse again, you just had it going! Though, I really hope you're right. Sometimes I feel like getting smashed, just to punish my stupid brain for not recovering, haha. However, I'm doing my best to keep my hopes up! I'm from Sweden, what about you? A chat could be nice!

 

Yeah, maybe it's not the best time to bring such a thing up. However, I'm very happy to have such a loving and supporting family - from what I've read many people who try to break the news seem to not be as fortunate. I really hope you will be able to tell your parents as well, and that they will respond in a helping way; having them by your side will make things lots easier.

 

How are you doing?

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