Hey everyone. I've been off the page for a little while since I got a new job, requires me to be gone from home for 12 hours a day 7 days a week and after my 7 days I get a week off. The job itself is doing me wonders, It shows me that I can still live a functioning normal life even with a few vision problems and some anxiety. The time I usually get to notice my symptoms is when I'm driving on the highway late at night, so tonight when I was driving for the first time in a week I noticed my ghosting was a lot less severe. Ever since I started taking magnesium oxide I've also noticed my visual snow has nearly completely gone! I don't wanna say there's only 5-10% of it left but I will say it's about 50% less than what it was about a month ago. If you're someone who doesn't have a job or had dropped out of school due to hppd, my honest suggestion is to push through it and not let it dictate the things you do. If you let hppd control the way you live your life you're getting sucked into it and it becomes you. There's more to you than hppd, there's so many other things to be done. On one final note, I think the last time I was on this page was the 29th of August and I will say not browsing this page every day benefited me so much. I came back here for the first time in a week tonight and after reading some posts I felt my anxiety and nervousness levels rise. This page can be very helpful to you to get advice from people or if a new symptom arrises. But I was so much worse off when I was browsing these forums 2-3 times a day every day. Now don't get me wrong, I don't hate the page, as far as I'm concerned we are all family fighting a battle and I would do anything for every one of you that was in my power. But there needs to be a point when you step back from the forums and pick yourself up and move on with your life. I will still be around, just not every day, I encourage you all to do the same.
So i'm a 32 year old male who's been doing a bit of self diagnosing on the web recently. Guessing that's probably what brings most people to this forum. Anyways, here's my story if you wouldn't mind reading, and perhaps offering a bit of advice. Also, please believe that I don't suffer from any sort of psychosis and I'm not making any of this up:
When I was 15 I had a pretty terrible reaction to smoking weed. I realize that must seem pretty mild in comparison to what usually gets talked about on this board. I began smoking occasionally with some close friends during that time, and it wasn't until years later that I even found out that weed seemed to affect other people differently than me. This was mostly due to the fact that I was hanging out with older, "cooler" people than me- so i didn't really bother to ask them what their experience was like, or to tell them about mine. Whenever I would smoke, I would feel completely normal afterwards for a short time until something would trigger the "high". When it hit me, my vision would completely change and get kind of blurry, and distorted (it's very hard to explain and i've been trying to for years haha) and I would feel very tingly and extremely disconnected from reality. The last time I smoked it resulted in the worst experience of my life. I felt like i was on another planet, my vision was as I described before, and it felt like sounds were delayed. I went into a bathroom and began hitting a wall to try to feel something, but even my tactical sensations seemed to be dulled. I won't bother with telling every detail of the next few hours, but basically it was hell. I ended up going to my friends house who advised that I just take a nap and that i'd probably feel better. When I woke up it was dark outside, and the first thing that I noticed was that the anxiety and most of the feelings that i'd had earlier had gone- I felt much better. However, as I walked out of the dark room and saw the light in the hall- I noticed that my vision was still the same as it had been during my earlier experience. My first thought was that it might just take a while for the drugs to completely leave my system. That didn't happen. It's been about 17 years since that experience and my vision has been the same ever since.
Over the years, i've pretty much gotten used to it- and short of an anecdote that i'd tell occasionally when friend's asked me why I didn't smoke; I didn't really think about it all that much. Recently, my vision has begun to get a bit worse- and I've been developing what seems to be a case of DP/DR (Depersonalization/Derealization) that seems to be getting worse by the day. My vision combined with the dp/dr is beginning to make my life pretty scary. It's enough just to have a feeling that things "aren't real", but then to have the vision issue backing it up- it's a pretty nasty combo.
Anyways, as most modern people do when experiences medical or psychological issues- I started doing some research online and it eventually led me here. I'd like to know if THC can lead to HPPD. Am I way off base? And if so, does this sound like anything that anyone has had any experience with? Since I was a teenager, I've been trying to figure out what happened to me that day, and I'd pretty much given up hope that i'd ever find an answer. Now due to everything that's going on it seems like I don't have much of a choice. I'm pretty desperate to find answers.
--If anyone has made it this far, thank you so much for taking the time to hear me out. If you can offer any words of wisdom it would really mean a lot to me.
My name is Natalie. <:
This will probobly be a long post.
Simply me writing down my feelings and stuff.
Just felt like I needed to warn you guys. <:
I apologize for my english.
Here it goes:
I rarely visit anything hppd and depersonalization/derealization related nowadays. I stopped when I discovered that overly attachement to this kind of forums made me more depressed. It was like a reminder of my problem. Always hanging there. I just wanted to forget about everything. And now it's almost a year since that terrible trip on cannabis.
It doesn't feel as a whole year has gone since that day, 14th of april. Actually... I can't really measure time. Due to my derealization I can't really feel time. Hard to explain. It feels crazy to think that I had hppd and dpdr on my mind every single day since that day last year.Not a day has gone without me thinking about those problems of mine. Will it be this way my whole life? :c Maybe, maybe not. Time will tell.
In June I will turn 20 years old. I just hope that I will not waste the coming years. Gah.. I am thinking too much right now. Can't really focus on where to begin with and can't really understand for myself what I want with this post. I think I just want to sociolize with someone who shares my problems. One of the things that makes me.. calm is that I am not the only one struggling in this shit. Even if I don't want ANYONE to be a part of this problem, it makes me calm knowing that there are people out there going through the same things as me. :c It doesn't feel nice to think so.
The symptoms I have are:
Afterimages (really bad.. :s), trails, visual snow... damn.. it's hard naming them all when you've lived with them for a year. I don't really know what's normal and what's not. xD Hahah.. I am pretty sure I have most of the usual symptoms on HPPD. I remember writing it somewhere in the beginning of my "trip" through this problem. My symptoms are pretty bad.. Aspecially afterimages.. But, I can manage. I think about them everyday. But I can forget about all the symptoms for like a couple of hours sometimes. <: But those last couple of nights the visual snow was holding me up. :C It's like.. EVERYWHERE. In different colors, always changing its position. :Cc It sucks. And the bright light it's making SUCKS. You can't fall asleep when the "statics" is forming some kind of light. It's like when you "press" on the lids of your closed eyes. Or.. I don't know. :c But.. the light sucks.
But I think I hate afterimages most of all in HPPD. I don't have a driving license, so my friends often drive me places. And when I sit in the passengers seat and watch other cars.. DAMN. Those freakin' rear lights everywhere I look. If I see a car in front of me with the rear lights on and I look right and then left.. The lights are copying themselves and I see a bunch of rear lights instead of just a pair. :C Has anyone here got a solution for their afterimages problems? :c If so.. Please do tell if something made things better for you. It is really irritating. And it's not only at night that I see afterimages of everything.. no.. I see it 24/7 with every bright thing I look at. I know that after sitting on the computer a black square (light from the screen) is going to be stuck in my vision for a minute of so. >:C FUU.
Hppd isn't actually my main concerne.. I was also really lucky to trigger my DPDR at the same moment as I triggered my HPPD. (----: FML. And It has been my biggest problem ever since. I don't have it in periods like some of you lucky bastards.. I have it 24/7. Derealization is the biggest problem. I don't feel.... real. I am constantly in a dream and I don't really remember how REALITY feels like. I am just "something" stuck in this sort of a GAME. :s (Please, don't think that I am crazy.) I often doubt my existance and question reality. Like: what the f*ck am I doing here? What is this? What am I? It that a chair? What is a chair? How do I know that this is a chair?
Just stupid thoughts.. that scare me. :c I am glad to announce that I rarely freak out nowadays. I don't experience anxiety that often. THANKS GOD.. or just.. someone. But I am getting bored to be in this state of.. being? I want to get out. I want to taste the reality again. Everything seems so.. GRAY here. x) Can't really explain it. I just want to.. FEEL. Really feel. I want to know how it felt like to be a human before the DOOMS DAY/14th of APRIL.
Sometimes I can walk around without thinking about DPDR, and then snap back and have thoughts like "Where am I?".
I am afraid to loose touch with reality. I am afraid to do something stupid just to feel "alive". :c I am afraid to go insane.
But hey! A whole human year has gone since that awful day. And.. Nobody suspects that anything is wrong with me. .___.
Yeah.. I only told my mother, my boyfriend, some of his friends that were there on that bad trip day, my former best friend who will always be like a brother to me anyway, and to some people that aren't that CLOSE to me. :s My closest friends don't know about this. And hopefully they'll never know. This is the biggest problem of my life and I don't want so many people to know about this shit. :c They don't need to know.
I haven't tried any medicine except over-the-counter vitamins like magnesium. I stopped with everything like 6 months ago because they made their job. They calmed my anxiety down. I am greatful for that. But they can't help me with my dpdr and hppd. I haven't tried prescription medicine because I don't want to go to the doctors. I know that there is no cure and that they can not help me. And I don't want everyone to know about my condition. I know that they can prescript me some bezo and stuff. I can't lie.. I am curious. But I don't want to get addicted. I have a feel that I will be if I try. :s
I have a few questions for you guys. I would be thankful if somebody answered them. <:
1. In 10 years from now I would maybe thinking about having a baby. Is it possible for the child to inherit my hppd and dpdr? :Cc I am really worried about that. Don't want to ruin anyones life.
2. This year I am probobly going to get a boob job, cuz I love big tits. ;$ 8D And I wondered if the narcosis/morphine (?) can make me "trip" again.. or.. like trigger my hppd and dpdr all over again and make it worse? :C I am scared to be put to sleep. :c What if I trip due to the narcosis? :Cc
3. Again a pregnancy question: When one is in labor they get like .. laughing gas or morphine (?) .. Is it possible that I am going to trip again? :C I don't want to trip. :C Hahah.. :C
4. Is there anything that helps against afterimages? :c
5. Is there anything that brings you back to the "reality" from DPDR?
The last two questions I ask because I haven't been on these kinds of forums for like more than 6 months. Maybe you know something new that I have missed in this time. :s But yeah! I think I have written enough for today. 8D Feel much better now. C: Hope someone want to reply so I don't feel so lonely. Hahah.
Hugs! Have a nice day.
And may the odds be ever in your favor. lol.