Why am I getting worse!

[2muchmandy]

Im approaching 5 and a half months of hppd and i am still not doing good

Snow is pretty thick, edges wobbling, nice long trails. Text dancing. Not too anxious, not too DRDPed.

Eating no sweets, no caffein, no booze...Im worried, how bad is this gunna get ?

[windscar]

I like to be realist. My vision is definitedly a bit worse from when I got HPPD, some 1.5 years ago. My life improved a lot, though. I am no specialist but I understand things well enough to have a strong belief HPPD is not something that gets better with time. It does not make any sense. Whatever it causes to our brain, I cant see it repairing itself. The visual cortex just is not for that. It is not plastic at all. Why would it be? Vision processing is not supposed to be touched. Anectodes here only confirm that.

I have, though, never seen someone who has not gotten better with time, in a sense of adapting to the symptoms and dealing with them. Nor of someone getting MUCH worse. Never seen very several mental symptoms from HPPD. Older hppders are always telling how things will get better with time, even if the vision itself does not. I guess I believe that.

So I guess theres no reason to worry about your vision that way. It is not likely it will get much worse; if it does, it is very very unlikely that it will get bad enough to disturb your life considerably; and the other things do tend to get better.

[nuroeone]

because you obsess about it, plain and simple.There is nothing more that can be said to you that already hasn't, you need to accept it.

[415_stylee]

I´ve had HPPD for over 6 years now, no matter what I´ve done my visual symptoms have not improved at all. They periodically get worse and go back to the already severe baseline again, without any logic explanation. My acceptance of HPPD has improved considerably though, I really don´t care about the visuals anymore because I´ve had them for so long. It´s my "normal" vision now.

I recommend using sunglasses when reading, driving etc. or any other environment which has strong light and contrast, as it will reduce eye strain and therefore reducing headache risk. That´s about the only thing which keeps the HPPD a bit steadier, I guess.

HPPD is a disability, but as with most disabilities, you can still enjoy life.

Like nuroeone said, don´t obsess to much about it. I know it can be hard in the early years with HPPD, but it´s a learning process and will take time.

[miketusa]

Hmmm. I really hope one can recover from visual symptoms. As my all of my symptoms are purely visual. I'm really sorry man, the only thing to tell you is keep on hoping. Hope because you have no other choice. Otherwise youll drive yourself insane, as much as you would like to, you are not going to wake up one day and fine everything is back to normal. It's unfortunate but true. Stick to your guns, keep living healthier, and better, and maybe, just maybe you'll eventually see improvement. Iv'e looked all over the internet at HPPD. Some people get better, some people don't. One thing is universal in all stories however, keep staying as healthy as possible and refrain from all drug use. At least, then you can't possibly make it any worse.

[mgrade]

It all depends on a couple of things: 1. If you can pin-point the time when you first got it, and realize the combination/amount of the drugs you took that gave you the HPPD.... 2. Put yourself in more of a controlled setting so that you can deduce if all your problems are in fact HPPD-related (in other words, make sure you don't have medical issues, etc.) Since, if you do not sleep much at all, you could also be getting hypnopompic hallucinations; fasting and dehydration can cause hallucinations; alienation/sensory-deprivation can cause hallucinations; as very much as i love being on the internet, looking at a computer screen can make visual disturbances worse, or at least seem so.

~~When I got HPPD, this time, i was not sleeping that well and i was not drinking water a lot and not eating well. Now i know that what i got was drug-induced but was definitely made a lot worse by these things. Add on smoking a pack a day of menthol cigarettes, and i was "tripping" with a "vise on my head".

If you didn't go wildly overboard like take a many mg's or grams of LSD, large dosages of PCP, or something comparable, your outlook is positive for getting better in the near future. ~~If you don't have anxiety, panic, DR/DP, you are in a good place, as those are some of the worst symtoms (~the others being reduced cognitive function, lack of emotion, lack of creativity, depression, no sense of wellbeing, etc). Sometimes you find yourself overly down-to-earth, yet spacey: a total oxymoron. ~~Tell me what you took and how much and i will help you try to see when you will get better.

[miketusa]

See this is weird for me because. Ive only really tripped a handful of times. I think I got it because I was very sensitive to marijuana, and had a bad experience, really rushing thoughts and stuff. Anyways, no mental, just things like seeing random colors, starbursting, maybe slight anxiety. And of course snow. Thats it though. Thats why sometimes I get weirded out by it myself. Everyone complains about all these mental symptoms I haven't really experienced. Im afraid I havent had them yet. Im probably at month 5 or 6. And other than getting starbursting a couple months ago from a night of heavy drinking. Not much has gotten worse. The last time I tripped on anything was New Years, it was ecstacy cut with who knows what. I guess I get along all right. If it werent for the Starbursting Id say I was curedish.

[Sam]

I have to disagree with WindScar. I've had mild HPPD for 3-4 months now and I've noticed some improvements. For the first couple months, it was getting worse and I was really worried about how bad it would get, but I would say that my HPPD is ~50% gone and it is still improving. I don't even notice it anymore unless I am tired, stressed, or focusing on it. There is a chance that it will stick with you for life but it could also get better. All you can do is be healthy, stress-free, and get the right amount of sleep. There's nothing you can do beyond that so just don't think about it.

Remember, it is easy to think that HPPD is permanent by seeing everyone on this forum, but you have to keep in mind that once someone gets cured, they aren't likely to be active on this website so you don't notice them anymore. However if someone is stuck with it for years or decades, then they keep making posts which makes them more representative than the average guy with HPPD.

[mgrade]

Sorry mikezero-----maybe im just mental...lol------for me the visual stuff is less of a problem-----especially now they other stuff is going away and my vision is getting better. The one thing i can say since i first took my first hallucinogen about 15 years ago is that in some ways your vision will (may) never go back to 100% how your remember it; drugs can alter your perception permanently: like...looking at things differently etc

[2muchmandy]

The point is for the first 2 or 3 months I steadily improved...my hppd was 80% gone. Now its worse than ever. What the fuck did I do to deserve this shit. People murder children and rape the bodies and get 20 years in jail, I take drugs and get a lifetime of this hell? This is why im not religious. My life has been nothing short of an absolute shambles the past 4 ywars, its like someones pushijg me to see how bad it can get before I kill myself. I need a holiday before I actually do

[morbide]

The point is for the first 2 or 3 months I steadily improved...my hppd was 80% gone. Now its worse than ever. What the fuck did I do to deserve this shit. People murder children and rape the bodies and get 20 years in jail, I take drugs and get a lifetime of this hell? This is why im not religious. My life has been nothing short of an absolute shambles the past 4 ywars, its like someones pushijg me to see how bad it can get before I kill myself. I need a holiday before I actually do

How is it worse now man, can you describe the symtoms?

[miketusa]

The point is for the first 2 or 3 months I steadily improved...my hppd was 80% gone. Now its worse than ever. What the fuck did I do to deserve this shit. People murder children and rape the bodies and get 20 years in jail, I take drugs and get a lifetime of this hell? This is why im not religious. My life has been nothing short of an absolute shambles the past 4 ywars, its like someones pushijg me to see how bad it can get before I kill myself. I need a holiday before I actually do

Honestly, it seems that everytime for me it gets better, then it gets worse. I think eventually this ends up tapering off, maybe the worse it gets, the closer you are to being cured? I have heard a lot of people say it gets a lot worse before it gets better. I don't want to sell you false hope, and I understand you are in a bad place. Killing yourself isn't an answer. Killing your self is like trying to piece together a puzzle, and then throwing the puzzle on the ground because you could not figure it out. If there is one thing I know, one thing I am absolutley certain about, it is that life is always worth living. David Herbet Lawrence once wrote. . .

"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." So, just remember there is always hope. You hope because you have to, because to not hope, is to admit defeat without the idea of ever attempting to win. Just try your best to be happy. Smile just because you can, and I think you will find life is not so bad.

[2muchmandy]

I wouldnt kill myself, couldnt put my family through it, i just get depressed

Thick visual snow with colours and patterns sometimes

Edges wobbling like absolute crazy, shits breathing

Big long trails, CEVs are back a bit

DRDP, anxiety isnt really an issue anymore, depression is.

white and light objects i get that scheirers sparks on, but real bad. Light sensitivity is very bad

Text going crazy, very hard to rear

Memory is fucked, bad brain fog, speach problems have returned.

[miketusa]

Well im glad to hear that. I get depressed a lot too.

That sounds really intense.

So your like full on tripping non stop?

I didn't realize your symptoms were so severe man, I'm really sorry.

Have you tried any of the more drastic options like prescriptions?

[Sam]

The point is for the first 2 or 3 months I steadily improved...my hppd was 80% gone. Now its worse than ever. What the fuck did I do to deserve this shit. People murder children and rape the bodies and get 20 years in jail, I take drugs and get a lifetime of this hell? This is why im not religious. My life has been nothing short of an absolute shambles the past 4 ywars, its like someones pushijg me to see how bad it can get before I kill myself. I need a holiday before I actually do

It's going to get better one way or another. Even if your visuals don't get better, you will most likely adapt to it to the point where they don't bother you anymore. Your mental attitude seems to be a bigger problem than your HPPD. Just stop feeling sorry for yourself. It's only been 5 months and statistically there is a 50% chance it'll go away. Btw, have you tried any medications to help with the visuals?

[mgrade]

2muchmandy--------dude I'm with you-------------just 2 months ago, i was in the same as u: same shit. I wanted to kill myself but not before i killed everybody else.....lol......You gotta feel lucky there is a site like this. You gotta get on an antidepressant; it should help. The reason i bet that u were in remission for a couple of months was that you probably felt like: "yeah i can handle this". But in reality it is too much. One thing at a time, looks like you have basically knocked out the "organic" anxiety. This is a big step. Keep me posted.

(also: last 5 years have been shit for me too including 2 episodes of HPP. You're just going to have to live a sober life from now on, which is ok. You are young, and you still will have a chance to put this all behind you)

[ferret]

I can guarantee that visual symptoms can go away. Mine have. Sometimes I cant look at certain patterns quite right and sometimes i see static in dim places but its pretty easy to deal with. I never really had that bad of visuals while i was fully awake, just snow and afterimages and some other weird shit sporadically but if mine can get better anyones can. I really think that you have a real good chance to recover. You never agrivated your symptoms with more drug use after getting HPPD and that is what I think ussually leads to longer lasting cases.

[2muchmandy]

The problem is I drug cocktailed. I dont know what gave me hppd and when I got it. Mxe and it set in immediately, 2cb a month before? who knows....this worries me as I dont know what if any drugs I took whilst I had hppd. And I also looking back had warning signs I ignored. Staticy bits on white walls. And I didnt know. I dont wanna end up like the lads tripping balls 24/7. Thats too much. I wanna know why I imprpved now im worse. I had very mild hppd...now I have moderate to bad hppd. I dont eat sugar, I eat little carbs I dont drink and I dont take any medicine of any kind. Im frightened il go blind. And yeah goodpoint mgrade. The anxiety is way waaay under control. The ocd has gone basically. Drdp isnt too bad. Its just these fucking visuals

[mgrade]

i didn't know what i was really taking when i was experimenting....... you were doing dissociatives and substitutive amphetamines, all with hallucinogenic potentials. I did PCP once, a dissociative.......it took me 2 years to come back. ......These are not good drugs, they are the worst at high volumes...........You should ask yourself if you remember before you took drugs, as a kid, if you ever saw "floaters" in your eye. If you did than you are OK, they visual disturbances will go away and you will be left with some "floaters". And over time, you'll be like Benjamin button, just getting better. Bite your lip and hit this speed bump (no pun intended ....lol), and soon you will be out of the thick of things. We're with you in spirit, brother.

[2muchmandy]

Jees. Well I hope your right man. I just dunno how bad this can get. Im off to the doctor on wednesday, im gettin valium or something...just to kill panic attacks and aid sleep. Iv promised I wont try keppra or sinimet for atleast a yevr

[DeeJaySwayD]

I believe you do constantly get better get better only through the understanding and basically desensitizing yourself to the symptoms, and thankfully auto pilot takes care of it alot. I know ive been full of symptoms that are ever revolving, but im used to the new reality through the skewed perception just because its there everyday. Benzodiazapines quiet things down a bit to where life out and about is always possible. I am down to. 05 - .1.0 maybe only a couple times a week, but only if i keep my mental busy with new info, processing and wonderful distraction. I have add, adhd slightly also of this disease.so my hppd symptoms can involve me buckling under stress and praying for thorazine. The art of distracting your mind is really important i believe, some days im simply too busy to be constantly tripping my ass off, having panic attacks and crying under pressure...also when you can handle your hppd symptoms, you get a good dose of self esteem. I sadly know as years pass that there will come a day when i can no longer party and i will have to drop the hallucinogens and then probably pot....well maybe add constant benzos for low anxiety and keep smoking to not be "glitching" and "getting stuck" but as i said things are always moving, chainging and evolving with this disorder. There is hope, keep your head strong. Stay thirsty for knowledge of power to change oneself from unknown bad decisions that may be reversable.

[Conquer]

I am no specialist but I understand things well enough to have a strong belief HPPD is not something that gets better with time. It does not make any sense. Whatever it causes to our brain, I cant see it repairing itself. The visual cortex just is not for that. It is not plastic at all. Why would it be? Vision processing is not supposed to be touched. Anectodes here only confirm that.

I'd have to disagree. There are many anecdotal reports of people vastly improving and sometimes 100% ridding themselves of symptoms, though for some reason you don't tend to find many of them on here. If you search other websites you will find them.

And other than getting starbursting a couple months ago from a night of heavy drinking. Not much has gotten worse. If it werent for the Starbursting Id say I was curedish.

Shit, did the starbursting stay even after the night of heavy drinking? I am starting to drink again a little so I'm curious.

The problem is I drug cocktailed. I dont know what gave me hppd and when I got it. Mxe and it set in immediately, 2cb a month before? who knows....this worries me as I dont know what if any drugs I took whilst I had hppd. And I also looking back had warning signs I ignored. Staticy bits on white walls. And I didnt know. I dont wanna end up like the lads tripping balls 24/7. Thats too much. I wanna know why I imprpved now im worse. I had very mild hppd...now I have moderate to bad hppd. I dont eat sugar, I eat little carbs I dont drink and I dont take any medicine of any kind. Im frightened il go blind. And yeah goodpoint mgrade. The anxiety is way waaay under control. The ocd has gone basically. Drdp isnt too bad. Its just these fucking visuals

Your anxiety is definitely not under control, and I believe that's what's causing your visuals to get worse.

[miketusa]

Shit, did the starbursting stay even after the night of heavy drinking? I am starting to drink again a little so I'm curious.

It caused it about 3 or 4 months ago, and has remained since. It isn't life altering. I think another user on here reported being constantly belinded by the reflection off of cars. I still get around. It's mostly artificial lighting. Again, not a big deal but it's deffinitetly there. And it is either getting slowly slightly better, or has remained the same. I would take it very, very slow. I have had a few beers every now and again with no problem. Had I followed that plan like I intended to on that night, I might not be in this situation.

[VisualDude]

Jees. Well I hope your right man. I just dunno how bad this can get. Im off to the doctor on wednesday, im gettin valium or something...just to kill panic attacks and aid sleep. Iv promised I wont try keppra or sinimet for atleast a yevr

How did the doctor visit go? Any help? Any meds?

For some, anxiety affects visuals. For me, anxiety (or calmness) has nothing to do with visuals.

[miketusa]

Mandy has not been on in a while. Which is weird, considering how active he was. Starting to get worried about that guy, he seemed really down on himself last time he posted.