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Found 182 results

  1. Hi all, just wondering if this is a sensation that you ever get? I am talking about the sensation of receiving an electric shock. The severity varies, of course. I can often feel the sensation building until it suddenly climaxes in what feels like a "jolt" of electricity. It feels almost exactly like I'd imagine being on the verge of a seizure feels like. Very unpleasant. I'm aware that anxiety on its own can cause some people to have a similar feeling (which is bizarre; anxiety can do some absolutely crazy things). Interestingly, the first time I ever felt it was on a high dose of psychedelic mushrooms many years ago.
  2. StateOfRegret

    Interesting accounts of HPPD

    I thought it would be interesting to collect all interesting HPPD stories from outside of HPPDOnline, as I'd like to read more. There are a few on Erowid which are more or less HPPD-related: No Life Without It A Life Cycle There is Jacob Scheier's book My Never-Ending Acid Trip. There's the New Yorker Article Please feel free to add more!
  3. I had posted this is the symptoms forum, but I feel as if this board gets more traffic? I'd really like some perspective, so thanks for you time! SELF DIAGNOSED I am posting this tonight after a long time of having HPPD, to compare my symptoms to everyone elses, and most importantly be convinced that my symptoms are just symptoms. Like most people with HPPD the anxiety of thinking it is something else can kill, and I am hoping to get some perspective on this here from other people with HPPD. I have read through the forums many times, and have seen my symptoms many times, but I guess something about me posting it gives me some sort of peace of mind? You input it greatly appreciated! I am a 20 year old, college student. Healthy & Athletic (All my life) HPPD 2 Years Symptoms: (100% of the time symptoms increase with anxiety) -Blue Field Entopic Phenomena (White blood cells visible against blue sky) -Visual Snow -Trails on lights in dark. Especially RED -Random lines at night -Scintillating multi colored patterns in white walls in certain lighting (like a line of tie die through my vision that kinda morphs around) -Outlines, "Auras" around people/objects against light backgrounds (re appeared after further drug use, disappeared for a while) -VERY slight Depersonalization, derealization. (rarely) -Anxiety -Panic Attacks (Rare) -Slight after images. Pressing on my eye, stare at the tv screen, etc. (Can get images out of them if i'm super anxious, very rare though) Drugs taken: Ecstasy, Adderral, Weed -Ecstasy: Timing: Ecstasy at 16. 3 month period (often) until bad trip. 1 year & half later BOOM HPPD Symptoms. (VERY late onset) Started again (foolishly) A year ago, dosed pretty heavy every once in a while (monthly), quit about 3months ago after anxiety killed me (&truthfully want to change my life) -Adderral: Once RIGHT before my first HPPD symptoms occurred. Had first Panic Attack, started noting HPPD symptoms shortly after. -Weed: Periodically since I was 15. Never been a big fan due to it generally caused me anxiety. Medical History: (I've never mentioned the drugs) -Struggled with anxiety & migraines as a young kid. Disappeared until it resurfaced with HPPD (Not migraines just anxiety) -Neurologist (I described most the symptoms) Dismissed it as something he didn't see as worrying -Optometrist (Diagnosed with astigmatism) -Ophthalmologist (Assured me nothing wrong with eyes) I have NEVER taken LSD/ACID & maybe this has a correlation as to why my symptoms are not as bad as other people having hppd? I'd say compared to some things I have read on this board, my symptoms are definitely lighter than others. ?????? Does this sound like a typical case of HPPD and nothing else? I really wonder sometimes if there could be something else wrong with me. I've never had a brain scan or mri but is it really necessary? What else could it all be? Thanks!
  4. Kable457

    Do I have HPPD?

    Hello. I've done quite a wide spectrum of psychedelics the last year including the following: LSD (500ug at most), Shrooms (Cubensis 3g, and truffles from Amsterdam, 22g of the strongest truffles available called High Hawaiians), DMT (not certain of dose, but I did get breakthrough on first attempt), DOC (2mg the one and only time I did it), 2C-E (40mg the one and only time I did it) and MDMA (0.3g at most, have also combined this with LSD). I've also smoked weed every day for about 4 years I'm worried that I might have gotten HPPD now. But I'm not quite sure what might have caused it. It took some time before I really noticed it and thought that I might have gotten the disorder. I have not taken any psychedelics since new year, which was when I did the very high dose of truffles in Amsterdam, and I quit smoking weed entirely 3 weeks ago. My symptoms are seing squiggly see-through lines floating around, and what I think you guys refer to as "snow". Additionally every time I am in my bathroom and look at the tiles on the floor, I see another pattern on top of the existing ones. Theres alot of small tiles (about 1,5cmx1,5cm) which are going in a grid like +, but my mind makes up another grid on top of that, which looks like an x grid crossing the existing + grid. I see this basically every time I'm in the bathroom. I remember first noticing this pattern when I was on 2C-E, but I can't remember if it was still there the time between my 2C.E trip and my truffle-trip in amsterdam. The snow isn't really that noticable unless I willingly try to make notice of it, but if I do try I can see it quite vividly. The squiggly lines are more apparent than the snow. I do not suffer from dp/dr at all, and feel quite normal psychologically, besides from the visual distortions Anyone that can help me determine wether I have HPPD or not? I'm planning on not doing any drugs until, and if, my symptoms go away, but I'm also wondering if it might come back if I experiment with psychedelics again? I have done quite large doses, and I think this is what might have caused it, will it be safe to do smaller doses if I get rid of these visual distortions?
  5. File Name: DSM-V HPPD Description File Submitter: StateOfRegret File Submitted: 18 Feb 2014 File Category: Publications The description of HPPD as given in fifth incarnation of The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. Click here to download this file
  6. judgefudge101

    TCA's and SSRI'S.

    Hi everyone, first time poster I have had severe HPPD and DP/DR for 3 years now, I am seeing a new psychiatrist who wishes to to try an older class of Antidepressant, specifically the TCA clomipramine. The SSRI lexapro was also something she was willing to consider. I have tried Keppra, clonazepam, sinemet and xanax. The only drug that worked was xanax but it made my visuals 10 times worse after I went through withdrawl. I am extremely sensitive to these medications and I was really hoping someone could give some insight on the aforementioned TCA's and SSRI'S. Out of my visual symptoms I have visual snow and incredibly severe palinopsia to the point that peoples faces after I look at them will have a very detailed after image when I look away. This goes for anything I look at. It all started from a bad trip 3 years ago, it was not my first trip, and I had taken dmt and mushrooms in the months leading up to it. No doctor in Australia will prescribe someone long term benzos (they are all very benzophobic down here) so this is my last chance with medication, I just dont want to make it any worse, if that happens I wont find any reason to live. cheers J
  7. downlink00

    PTSD with HPPD

    I have really enjoyed looking through this site. I was starting to think I was the only one… I’m very interested in following this research and plan to keep an eye on this site. I am looking for successful treatment stories and plans. Please share yours.
  8. opic Views (11 August 2011 to 10 November 2013) Date Results Count Symptoms: Descriptions, Discussion, Debate 493,617 MAIN AND GENERAL FORUM 390,403 Pharmacological / Medication 199,534 Introductions 89,659 Benzodiazepine (Use, Abuse, Withdrawal) 63,480 Community Open Space 24,987 Forum Questions and Suggestions 17,961 Depersonalization and Derealization 16,565 Research Articles 16,386 HPPD FOUNDATION 14,900 Active Research 7,501 Community Upgrade - (PUBLIC) 2,126 Total 1,337,191
  9. Am i the only one noticing this? I can feel like a strange pressure in the brain when i hear sounds sometimes.
  10. eljacy

    Can I see energy/static?

    Hello, This is going to sound quite bizarre, but in my field of vision, I can see, which I can best describe as static/noise/particles/energy etc wherever I look, but depending on what I like at, the stronger and more intense it is.. For example if I look at some reflective metal or a mirror, its not there at all. Recently, I was looking at train tracks as the trains were nearing, and it was extremely intense, almost as if I could see the energy from it or something, I could still see the track perfectly clearly, it wasn't blurred or anything, but I saw 'energy' or coming from it. Its not floaters as i've heard about that and I don't get flashes or see dark spots etc. I don't wear glasses, and have had my eyes tested when I was about 13 and it was all fine apparently. I don't do drugs and my vision is perfectly clear but if I really try, I can see this thing I have described. I've had this as early as I can remember but only recently i've been able to describe what I'm seeing. Many thanks, Liam
  11. Hey everyone, first of all I am not talking about disgusting cigarettes, I'm talking about e cigs. I have found that smoking nicotine free e liquid out of my e cig to be a great anxiety reducer and I have used it therapeutically for some time now. Whether I'm doing smoke tricks or just blowing clouds it reminds me of when I used to be able to smoke freely and seriously puts my mind at ease and distracts me from my visual symptoms. Does anyone here smoke e cigs and If so do you notice the effects I described?
  12. Mr.50's


    Propranolol is if I'm correct a non-selective beta-blocker prescribed for its anxiolytic effects. It is known to be very safe and it can be prescribed much more easily than benzos. I used to take this at about 30mgs a day twice a day and noticed a significant improvement in my dp/dr symptoms and a slight improvement in my hppd symptoms. I had to stop after a few weeks of use though because my blood pressure was to low to take it and I almost fainted multiple times. Have any others tried this medication and if so how did it affect your symptoms
  13. Mr.50's

    15 with hppd

    Hello everyone, I'm new to posting stuff but I've been an observer of other posts on this amazing website for a while. I am 15 and developed hppd when I was 14 from synthetic marijuana. In my entire life I've taken weed 150+ times, spice(synthetic cannabis)15 times, nitrous 15 times, hydrocodone 2, ritalin 5-7 times, and dxm once. I started smoking weed in mid 8th grade and i new I liked it and didn't want to stop anytime soon. I had so many people tell me not to do other drugs I should have listened but I didn't and now here I am. Eventually I got caught smoking weed and I couldn't medicate at the amount I wanted to with my parents always checking me. This is when spice caught my eye cause it was cheap and barely smelt. I did it about twice untill I had a horrible trip which was the very beginning of my hell. The trip itself was intense, an out of body experience which made me forget everything I've ever known for about 10 minutes. But after that passed and I felt better, something compelled me to smoke spice 6 more time the next day. After that weird episode passed I continued smoking weed with all of the hppd warning signs but I loved drugs so much I didn't want to stop. After a couple months of constant weed use my world was turning upside down so eventually I stopped but it was to late. I had full blow. Hppd and depersonalization, which was the most confusing time of my life. That was maybe 5 or 6 months back and since then a lot has changed. My hppd is about 30-40% better and my depersonalization is about 85-90% better. I've stopped drinking caffeine and have been sober for a while. My main visual symptoms are. Visual snow that is relatively light. Very light afterimages. Severe light sensitivity. I'm positive that these symptoms will slowy go away but Lately there has been no improvement whatsoever . My main goal is to smoke weed again but I'm positive I will, thanks for reason you help me I help yo
  14. File Name: Coluracetam for HPPD File Submitter: onedayillsailagain File Submitted: 18 Aug 2013 File Category: HPPD Research Articles Here's the PDF version of the Coluracetam article.. Haha why didn't I think of this earlier? Oh well. Click here to download this file
  15. onedayillsailagain

    Coluracetam for HPPD

    Version 1


    Here's the PDF version of the Coluracetam article.. Haha why didn't I think of this earlier? Oh well.
  16. silenttheory

    Hi... I need some advice

    Hi, My name is Deborah, I'm 32, and from The Netherlands. (feels like AA typing this ) I was a recreational drug user for quite a few years MDMA and Speed, and noticed the MDMA drug effects were getting less and less pleasant over the last year or so. I had quite some traumatic experiences on MDMA, like my gf passing out and thinking she was gonna die, or her going into a major k-hole I thought she was never gonna come out of. A week later I took some speed, stayed up 3 nights and got to a point where I was almost passing out all day and had heart palpitations (and a doctor telling me I was just having anxiety issues). I felt fine again after some good night's sleep. A week later I had another speed binge, I stayed up 3 days and on the 3rd day the same thing happened.. althoug this time it stayed. Accompanied with a whole array of new symptoms: persistent anxiety, not being able to sleep, agitated, not being able to eat, buzzing in my head, almost like electric shocks, head aches, tinitus, ear aches, lack of balance, dr and dp to the max! Emotionless except for crying and the feeling of hopelesness. I sleep only 4 hours of scattered sleep a night and this is on sleeping pills. My body just doesn't seem to want to relax in any way shape or form. I forget stuff all the time, however I don't have any visual stuff, I have a foggy mind, like there's a cloud in my head which gets sp bad I forget what I'm doing and all stimuli makes it worse, this goes hand in hand with the sensation of not being balanced, although when I go to a doctor I can walk in a straight line. Sound and moving images make my head go even foggier, and I completely lose my shit when not on Clonazepam. With Clonazepam the fog and imbalance/buzzing feeling in my head kinda go away for a while and I feel semi-normal. They did a standard mri and an EEG (although I was on lorazepam at the time, and wasn't experiencing much of the fog) and they seemed fine. Since I don't have a clue what the hell is going on with me I went to the doctor's office quite a number of times, and they have now labeled me as a hypochondriac. A crisis shrink put me on anti-psychotics, which made EVERYTHING worse. Another shrink says it's an anxiety disorder. With the SSRI's I get so extremely agitated and I go through the roof, so I am scared of taking those again. Another doctor is convinced it's HPPD... The only thing I know is that the clonazepam kinda works until it wears off.. Can anyone tell me if this could be HPPD? Or did I mess something up with my neurotransmittersystems? My neurologist thinks it's psychological, and doesn't want to send me to a neuropsychologist, and my GP doesn't want to send me anywhere anymore since he thinks it's hypochondria. I could really use some help.. Love, Debs
  17. Age 23 Date got HPPD 03/29/2013 Medication's: Klonopin .5 X2, Depakote 250mg X2, Keppra 250mg X2, Supplements: Melatonin 3mg w/B6 2mg X2, St. Johns Wort, Ginkgo Biloba, Multi-Vitamin, Omega 3 Symptoms Shutter Vision Static Vision/Visual Snow Tracers and After Images Dark Frame Surrounding Peripherals/ Tunnle vision Depersonalization/Derealization/ Numbness Massive Depression / Depressed and Insane Thoughts General Anxiety/Social Anxiety / Impending Doom feeling attention/focus difficulties Loss of libido Lack of Self Meaning/Unmotivated Lacking Cognitive Function/Confusion Severe Loss of Sort Term Memory Complete lack of ego Extreme Paranoia(People are out to get me every time someone tells a story I think its pertaining to me, when people laugh I think there all laughing at me) Everything looks clear/sharper (textures look really detailed) Sensory overload First off I want to apologize for any grammatical errors. I'm pretty sure I had mild Asperger's syndrome before I got hppd at least that's what a psychologist mentioned to me a few years ago but never had an official diagnosis. But regardless I was never fluent in reading and writing but excelled in math and science. I first noticed the visual snow after I went on a intense whip-it and molly binger one night I split a case of about 400 whip-its with a lady friend of mine i was loading my cracker with 5 at a time and after every hit I would take I would breath it into a large balloon then after the cracker was empty i would start inhaling/exhaling what was left in the balloon until I got to the point where I completely lost control over what my body was doing and I was so far dissociated I didn’t realize it. After id come too I noticed that there was a small/light vail of static over everything I looked at but it wasn’t that bad and I didn’t care that much at the time because I thought it would fade away in a few hours or days. And it did for the most part. But when I “REALLY” got hppd from staying up all night on about a gram of mdma and then when I started coming down I took 2c-I around 8am to hopefully keep it going and at first it was awesome for the first time in my life actually seen open eyed hallucinations like I saw thing that whernt actually there and I felt like I was rolling. It really was one of the most incredible experiences of my life but after about 4 or 5 hours it turned into a horribly bad trip I felt anxious and depressed and insane and this is when I felt the depersonalization for the first time and it hasn’t went away sense then. I noticed that everything looked a lot clearer and sharper and that everything has like a lot of static of visual snow over it. After a couple days of not sleeping I ended up getting a taking a antianxiety pill and got a several hours of much need sleep but when I woke up I noticed that I still had persisting images, visual snow, tracers, and most of my symptoms. I never feel completely calm. Now everything looks completely different sounds different I can’t feel anything physically. Every time I look at a bright light and look away I see the after image of the light for a few seconds. Or if I look at something and look away really fast the previous thing that I looked at is still there like an after image. And im not to entirely sure but I feel like a piece of my brain isn’t functioning anymore but I can’t seem to notice it. After the initial shock of hppd I kinda calmed down and living with my friends I found it hard to stay away from drugs. I just thought I should stay away from hallucinogens and so I did but I continued to use other drugs and found myself slightly addicted to smoking 4-fa and sometimes doing apvp(bath salts). And continued to do molly and whip-its. It wasn’t so bad having hppd at this point even though it completely scared me Id still do drugs without any noticeable change to my hppd symptoms. However I did end up getting really depressed over so girl problems I was going through at the time and the depression got so bad I just wanted to kill myself so I attempted to do so with a massive dose of a sleeping pill containing (diphenhydramine) little did I know it was an ssri and made you trip out in large dose’s and it considerably hard to actually OD on. And im pretty sure this actually made my hppd way worse. I finally came to the conclusion that I need to stop doing all drugs in general and get a grasp on my life. So I completely quit all drugs in general and moved to Williston North Dakota and landed a well-paying job I just assumed at the time that my symptoms would subside over time and I could just reintegrate back into society normally. But quit the opposite happened I actually was extremely nervous around everyone I meet at my new job. I didn’t talk to anyone about anything unless they asked me a question or told me to do something. I could tell that people defiantly new something was wrong with me. My shift was 12 hours a day everyday for 6 weeks I also lived where I worked and my phone ended up breaking so I literally talked to no one at all I would just spend all of my spare time in my room and the other time I spent working and trying my hardest to avoid any social contact with anyone I could. I was stuck there for 6 weeks and for some reason every minute felt like an hour time moved so slowly. And all I could think about was that I need to get through this and get back home and everything will be better being around my friends and people I could actually talk to. Toward the last 2 weeks I was the I acctuly started seeing a psychologist who of course never herd of hppd before in her life and just thought I had drug induced schizophrenia and prescribed me olanzapine an antipsychotic. I tried one that same night and it was so horrible made me feel a hundred times worse and like I was having a really bad trip. She later prescribed me with a anti-depressant Lexapro which made me feel really happy for like an hour or two then really shitty for the rest of the day. I eventually got fired from where I was working because of my worsening symptom and came back home. Now I barley talk to people. Ill hardly look people in the eye’s when people try and talk to me ill be quite the entire time then try and end the conversation and leave. Now I usually just try and avoid people because its always awkward. Most days I spend without talking to a single person. Then most days I’ll get really nervous and no matter what I do I cant seem to calm down and my inner voice just keeps telling me that im worthless, that my whole life is a joke and that im not good enough. Out of a 24 hour day I leave my room for about a half hour and its only to eat and shower. Iv been seeing this psychologist back here at home and when I originally asked for keppra she got really tense and hissed a little like as if I insulted her beliefs or something. And instead she put me on Depakote 250mgs 3 times a day and Klonpine .5mgs twice a day to treat my mood and hopefully my visuals. Depakote did nothing for my visuals but did help my mood some I noticed that I was slightly less depressed but not necessarily happy at all. Plus I noticed taking Depakote 3 times a day gave me a sever headache so I lowered it to twice a day. When I saw here again to weeks later I told her that my mood was a little elevated but no change in my visual symptoms. She proceeded to tell me she had done some research herself and I presented her with the case study on keppra. And she agreed that it was the best liable treatment from my condition. So now I take 250mgs of both keppra and Depakote in the morning and right before bed. Results well I’m still very nervous around any person even close friends of mine. However keppra a reduced my visual symptoms a lot I still notice visual snow but its about %70 less, after images have significantly reduced, trails and tracers are about %90 reduced, my depersonalization, de-realization, and numbness is down like %70. My anxiety is down like %40 I feel like I can think better with less brain fog and confusion. And its only been 4 days now im excited to see how ill be after 3 months. However there is a down side to keppra when I was taking Depakote and klonpine I bailer noticed any side effects at all. But with the addition on keppra I fell heavily sedated almost like a drunk zombie. I feel like im shit faced without the head change sometime ill stumble or bump into walls. I fell a little dizzy as well. I do fell a little more agitated but nothing like the infamous “Keppra Rage” iv been hearing about. Iv also been taking gingko for memory and St Johns Wort because its an mild ssri and I haven’t noticed any sever changes in symptoms I’m just really desperate to get rid of this intense depression. I feel like I don’t have any emotions at all anymore like I can’t feel happiness or anger or anything anymore only a really low baseline sadness…. And I’m hoping that just maybe it’ll help my increases my mood. Is it normal for people with hppd to feel so insane it repeats all though out the day in my head? All I think about is “I’m insane, no im normal, nope I’m defiantly crazy, no its just the hppd I’m fine it’ll get better.” I also notice for a very brief period in the morning when I every first wake up calmly is that I feel completely normal I can feel the bed sheets brushing against my legs. I run my hand through my hair and it almost tickles because I can feel my hair move. Then after about five minutes my body pretty much goes numb and my symptoms slowly fade in. Any advice form anyone would be great I defiantly want to stay positive and get through this and get on with my life. Because my psychologist isn’t sure I can qualify for disability because I can still function and communicate but when I’m around people I freak out or end up getting fired from jobs. So financially I’m in a bind which doesn’t help my depression.
  18. carlymarie

    My journey with HPPD

    It's just something I can't explain, in the way that it doesn't even make sense to myself. I can't emphasize my hatred for inanimate objects without sounding like a fool or insane. Like the way I hate trees rustling in the breeze, how tires grinding against the pavement sends me to hell. People rubbing their faces puts me in a bad mindset as well. It's not something anyone can understand unless they've experienced it themselves. These are the after effects of a bad trip, the things nobody tells you about. They'll tell you how great psychedelics are, the mind altering freedom persuading you to try it. And sure, it was an incredible experience. For awhile. I find myself with various triggers in the oddest things. I hate it. I'm aware of the intensity behind the word "hate," that's exactly why I use it. It's hard not do be disgusted with the world when you constantly feel out of your own body, floating, like your feet continue on while your head is held back; like the floor is 5 feet closer while you're 50 feet taller. I don't know how to sufficiently express myself. No combination of words could do justice to the hell I've experienced in correlation to my hppd. Previous therapists/psychiatrists of mine call it "panic," and I really can't stand using that term. That's not what this is. It's so much more than a word. Panic. Hppd. Flashbacks. They don't suffice. I fucking hate words. You know when you know your elbow and your funny bone goes limp? That's how it initially feels when an episode strikes, except my whole body goes numb, even my head. I melt. It's the remaining headspace around my brain is just one massive clusterfuck that I can't make any sense of. My temples start pulsing, like something demonic and superior is squeezing the living shit out of my insides, altering all ability to think rationally. I can't even form complete thoughts. Everything just becomes one, faded, irrational mesh of doom. The melting sensations are almost unbearable, especially when I stroke my hair or legs while thinking about my last LSD trip. Everything slows down, almost as if my brain is incapable of processing sense of touch until after I've already touched myself. It freaks me out. Sometimes I even hallucinate, although I don't think that's the word I'd use to correctly describe it. Things just start moving, spiraling into nonsense as if I'm still tripping. It's only happened twice, but each time I was driving and the road adapted into one concrete image. Most people I've explained this to thinks it sounds "cool," that I'm able to "trip balls" without drugging myself. It's not cool and those people are idiots. It takes me back to those devilish thoughts, the muffled/hollow/bass heavy sounds. The clouded headspace. Friends of mine who still persistently trip always tell me to "just go with it and let it run it's course." Easier said than done. I don't think they understand the inconvenience of it all. I'd like to go about my day without feeling like Im going to flop into a noodle at any given moment. I read up on hppd when I first became interested in trying LSD, but it never really occurred to me that it could actually happen to someone, especially not myself. It's not that I wasn't careful of my surroundings of my surroundings or unaware of my current mood, I just didn't understanding the intensity of having a bad trip. I guess I should've paid more attention to my state of mind. I mean, I'm not bashing how the mind works or the places it's taken me. My perspective is entirely altered and I finally feel up to par with my intellectual level. It just sucks. I wish it could be done with. At the same time, though, I don't know if I'd be okay with that. I like being vulnerable, sad. It's sick and twisted but it's all I've ever known. It's comfortable because it's so uncomfortable. I hate it, but I love it. The worst part is that I hardly remember anything from that night. My old therapist told me to record everything that happened, word for word, but I never did. I told her otherwise, promised I was doing all my exercises. I lied. I was too chicken then, for it wasn't just a state of mind, but me in all my essence. It's repulsive how something so destructive can have such a wrath over someone. It was a year ago yesterday since I my first episode, since I first realized that I may have hppd. I've been thinking about it a lot lately, all things considered, especially the date. I thought my dangerous thoughts, the constant body high, the flashbacks, and the intense visuals would have subsided by now. I thought wrong. Nothing's changed, they've just become more bearable. I'm stronger now because of this, but that doesn't make it any easier. The subconscious mind is a powerful thing and if not addressed correctly, things will only get worse. My mind has become a fucking wrecking ball. Better late than never, I've decided to practice what has been preached in hopes that it'll lead me into a healthier state of mind. I used to claim that I wanted to go back to my initial mindset, pre-LSD, but that was just the naivety in me talking, the panic. You can't undo what has already been done and that's something I've had to push myself into coming to terms with, regardless of how fucking common sense the statement is. I've seen 3 therapists in the past year. They all assumed this was panic and none of them would come to terms with the idea that I have hppd. I'm now taking clonozapam. It makes me dizzy and forget things when I take it. It makes me lose my head when I don't. I don't like being dependent on drugs anymore and I've actually managed up to 5 days without the pill, but after breaking into cold sweats and explaining to yourself in the mirror how greatly you want to die, you crack. I'd like to make it known that I'm in a much brighter place now in comparison to last september, along with all the months that have followed. I get better everyday because every morning when I wake up, my eyes are a little deeper. Acid did that to me, and although I may not remember every detail from that night, or the vast majority of it for that matter, I'm a changed person and I am grateful for that. I'm able to accept the world for what it is as opposed to how I'd like to portray it. I don't lie to myself anymore. I don't see the point in it, all self loathing brings is sadness. I've already admitted to liking sadness, but I'm on a personal journey to stop wallowing in it. I have hppd, and it sucks. Anyone who has it understands this and there is no need for explanation. It's just nice to know that someone else is feeling what you're feeling. I'm not alone and neither are you.
  19. dan728

    Hey guys

    Hi guys, im a fellow hppd sufferer and my name is dan. I started smoking weed around age 17 or so and loved it, so I continued to do so until a few months ago after developing hppd. Im currently 20 years old, enrolled as a student at a community college and have had multiple jobs in the past including machine operator, party rental laborer, and landscaper. During the course of my smoking, I started to get into heavier and heavier drugs and ended up doing LSD about 4 times, mushrooms about 5, molly around 4 and other things such as methadone, pills and a bunch of other fun stuff. I always thought I was under control of the drugs I was using, which was correct to an extent because I never got to the point where I used drugs every day. But, as we all know, substance abuse can quickly get out of hand. The fateful night that led ultimately to my hppd involved me and a friend of mine waiting on a connect to score some mushrooms. We waited for hours, thinking he would never get there, and he ended up showing up late at night with acid instead of shrooms. The friends I was with at the time were antsy to begin with so we were content with dropping the acid and putting the wait behind us. I took 3 tabs in overconfidence and after about 30 minutes I began to feel the effects and started driving on the highway and smoking a blunt with the friend I went with to get the "shrooms" and the trip started to get very intense. I dropped him off at his house and I went home too. I started to get a deep feeling of dread along with severe paranoia and feeling that I was going to die. There were extremely intense visuals involved, and I had a hallucination that I thought at the time encompassed the theme of the universe but its very hard to describe. It was kinda like a huge bright light in the upper-right hand corner of my vision and a sewer in the lower left that had rats and vines trying to escape, but kept getting knocked back by the light. I ended up going to the hospital and having saline pumped through my veins to clear the toxicity and the hellish trip finally subsided. The next day, all I wanted to do was smoke some weed to calm my nerves, but when I did, I felt like the trip was coming back all over again and I went home to calm down. A few days later, i came to grips with the fact that I had symptoms that weren't going away. I started to research my symptoms immediately and found that I definitely have at least mild hppd. My symptoms include: Tracers (black squiggly lines that move about occasionally) Afterimages Sensitivity to light Visual snow Some degree of dp/dr with cognitive losses slight anxiety and depression So its been about 2 months and ive been trying different things to resolve these issues such as valerian root, GABA, 5Htp, fish oil and vitamins B and C. Im not too sure what works the best yet, but valerian root seems to be a lifesaver for me right now. My symptoms are a bit less worse than they were when I first got them, but im now abstaining from all drug and alcohol use and im slowly feeling better over time. Im so glad that I found a place where there are people like me suffering with what I thought was a very rare disorder. Thanks for reading my story everyone Best wishes, Dan
  20. speedy_gonzales

    Hey Everybody

    Hey everybody I'm suffering from what i believe to be hppd from an LSD trip 3 months ago. i've also been experimenting with all sorts of drugs in the past. My symptoms are mainly visual snow all day (it get worse at night and in the dark), some after images and that awful feeling of being here but not here and that nothing seems real, like being in a haze, disconnected from everything (DP/DR). At first the doctors thought i had a psychosis and put me on an anti-psychotic (olanzapine) that didn't really help and an SSRI antidepressant (escitalopram) for the depression. After doing some research and talking to my psychiatrist he agreed to let me try Keppra next month. I'm gonna have an EEG and a blood test done (already got a MRT that showed nothing). I'm gonna keep you updated i hope that it will work
  21. Hi, My question is simple: Do you suffer from derealization/depersonalization? I'm interested in seeing how widespread this symptom (or cluster of symptoms) is. I do not personally suffer from DP/DR, as far as I am aware (and I guess that it is the sort of thing you'd notice), but those of you who do have my deepest sympathies. I posted this poll in this forum category, rather than in the DP/DR category, in the hopes that we'd get a more representative sample of the forum population answering it. Thanks in advance - crossing my fingers that the poll will work as intended! :-)
  22. Hey guys. I'm sure you've seen many threads like this in a past and I apologize if I'm being a "nuisance". I just need some insight. I've smoked marijuana for around 4 years and I've taken psilocybin once or twice in my life (it's never had any effect on me though). 3 Weeks ago I stopped smoking pot and began experiencing symptoms of depression and serotonin deficiency such as: irritability for no reason, random outbursts of crying and agitation (once again for no apparent reason). Two days into experiencing these awkward symptoms and after quitting pot I had a really bad panic attack and have been suffering from terrible anxiety and derealization/depersonalization. What troubles me most is that I only very recently read about hppd and I'm experiencing some extremely mild symptoms but they cause a great deal of worry for me. The symptoms are the following : -Occasional very slight breathing of objects ONLY when I focus on them (only certain objects and especially shadows) -Some trouble focusing on objects (especially interfering edges) Now my question is - am I inducing these symptoms due to obsessive thoughts and over-analysis (I can't seem to stop worrying that I've developed this problem and that it will gradually grow worse and interfere with my day-to-day life) or have I genuinely acquired the disorder somehow. As aforementioned: I'm not really a drug user. I've experimented once with shrooms but have most certainly have NEVER "tripped". Like I said...they had 0 effect on me whatsoever. Perhaps my weed could have been laced but I prefer not to dwell on that possibility. I'm still struggling with the anxiety and depression and have been taking prozac (Fluoxetine SSRI) for the past 2 days. I'm only using this to calm the psychological effects which could successively cure my dp/dr once the anxiety has subsided. I hope someone can help me because my obsessive thoughts have been driving me in-fucking-sane and only exacerbate my already HORRID anxiety and depression.
  23. Dancetrooper

    HPPD and Ambylopsia?

    After a long time hello again So, i have Ambylopsia since my birth on the right eye, and in the recent time i noticed that when i close my good eye that my HPPD freaks out completely, espacially Micro-Macropsia and Trailing. Ambylopsia kept short means that my eye didnt learned to process information, the eye at itslef is ok. what i´m wondering is how can one HPPD have two "strenghts"? My eye is taking correct information but processing it false as it has not fully learned to process. The only problem with the eye is that i just see all blurred (In past and now), but positions, light-impressions etc. are being shown correctly. (Since HPPD, the positions etc. are correct in first frame, but after a few seconds HPPD also kills those) So, what is increasing the HPPD?? I had 2 thoughts to it: Is it the right eye that catches the information and by processing it false it increases the HPPD? Or is 5HT2a (i think i read it´s a filter) not able to process broken parts of information so it lets go the signal pass unfiltered? The differnce of the HPPD-strength compared form the left eye to the right eye are just too big to say there´s nothing influencing it :/
  24. Hello there! My name is Natalie. <: This will probobly be a long post. Simply me writing down my feelings and stuff. Just felt like I needed to warn you guys. <: I apologize for my english. Here it goes: I rarely visit anything hppd and depersonalization/derealization related nowadays. I stopped when I discovered that overly attachement to this kind of forums made me more depressed. It was like a reminder of my problem. Always hanging there. I just wanted to forget about everything. And now it's almost a year since that terrible trip on cannabis. It doesn't feel as a whole year has gone since that day, 14th of april. Actually... I can't really measure time. Due to my derealization I can't really feel time. Hard to explain. It feels crazy to think that I had hppd and dpdr on my mind every single day since that day last year.Not a day has gone without me thinking about those problems of mine. Will it be this way my whole life? :c Maybe, maybe not. Time will tell. In June I will turn 20 years old. I just hope that I will not waste the coming years. Gah.. I am thinking too much right now. Can't really focus on where to begin with and can't really understand for myself what I want with this post. I think I just want to sociolize with someone who shares my problems. One of the things that makes me.. calm is that I am not the only one struggling in this shit. Even if I don't want ANYONE to be a part of this problem, it makes me calm knowing that there are people out there going through the same things as me. :c It doesn't feel nice to think so. The symptoms I have are: Afterimages (really bad.. :s), trails, visual snow... damn.. it's hard naming them all when you've lived with them for a year. I don't really know what's normal and what's not. xD Hahah.. I am pretty sure I have most of the usual symptoms on HPPD. I remember writing it somewhere in the beginning of my "trip" through this problem. My symptoms are pretty bad.. Aspecially afterimages.. But, I can manage. I think about them everyday. But I can forget about all the symptoms for like a couple of hours sometimes. <: But those last couple of nights the visual snow was holding me up. :C It's like.. EVERYWHERE. In different colors, always changing its position. :Cc It sucks. And the bright light it's making SUCKS. You can't fall asleep when the "statics" is forming some kind of light. It's like when you "press" on the lids of your closed eyes. Or.. I don't know. :c But.. the light sucks. But I think I hate afterimages most of all in HPPD. I don't have a driving license, so my friends often drive me places. And when I sit in the passengers seat and watch other cars.. DAMN. Those freakin' rear lights everywhere I look. If I see a car in front of me with the rear lights on and I look right and then left.. The lights are copying themselves and I see a bunch of rear lights instead of just a pair. :C Has anyone here got a solution for their afterimages problems? :c If so.. Please do tell if something made things better for you. It is really irritating. And it's not only at night that I see afterimages of everything.. no.. I see it 24/7 with every bright thing I look at. I know that after sitting on the computer a black square (light from the screen) is going to be stuck in my vision for a minute of so. >:C FUU. Hppd isn't actually my main concerne.. I was also really lucky to trigger my DPDR at the same moment as I triggered my HPPD. (----: FML. And It has been my biggest problem ever since. I don't have it in periods like some of you lucky bastards.. I have it 24/7. Derealization is the biggest problem. I don't feel.... real. I am constantly in a dream and I don't really remember how REALITY feels like. I am just "something" stuck in this sort of a GAME. :s (Please, don't think that I am crazy.) I often doubt my existance and question reality. Like: what the f*ck am I doing here? What is this? What am I? It that a chair? What is a chair? How do I know that this is a chair? Just stupid thoughts.. that scare me. :c I am glad to announce that I rarely freak out nowadays. I don't experience anxiety that often. THANKS GOD.. or just.. someone. But I am getting bored to be in this state of.. being? I want to get out. I want to taste the reality again. Everything seems so.. GRAY here. x) Can't really explain it. I just want to.. FEEL. Really feel. I want to know how it felt like to be a human before the DOOMS DAY/14th of APRIL. Sometimes I can walk around without thinking about DPDR, and then snap back and have thoughts like "Where am I?". I am afraid to loose touch with reality. I am afraid to do something stupid just to feel "alive". :c I am afraid to go insane. But hey! A whole human year has gone since that awful day. And.. Nobody suspects that anything is wrong with me. .___. Yeah.. I only told my mother, my boyfriend, some of his friends that were there on that bad trip day, my former best friend who will always be like a brother to me anyway, and to some people that aren't that CLOSE to me. :s My closest friends don't know about this. And hopefully they'll never know. This is the biggest problem of my life and I don't want so many people to know about this shit. :c They don't need to know. I haven't tried any medicine except over-the-counter vitamins like magnesium. I stopped with everything like 6 months ago because they made their job. They calmed my anxiety down. I am greatful for that. But they can't help me with my dpdr and hppd. I haven't tried prescription medicine because I don't want to go to the doctors. I know that there is no cure and that they can not help me. And I don't want everyone to know about my condition. I know that they can prescript me some bezo and stuff. I can't lie.. I am curious. But I don't want to get addicted. I have a feel that I will be if I try. :s I have a few questions for you guys. I would be thankful if somebody answered them. <: 1. In 10 years from now I would maybe thinking about having a baby. Is it possible for the child to inherit my hppd and dpdr? :Cc I am really worried about that. Don't want to ruin anyones life. 2. This year I am probobly going to get a boob job, cuz I love big tits. ;$ 8D And I wondered if the narcosis/morphine (?) can make me "trip" again.. or.. like trigger my hppd and dpdr all over again and make it worse? :C I am scared to be put to sleep. :c What if I trip due to the narcosis? :Cc 3. Again a pregnancy question: When one is in labor they get like .. laughing gas or morphine (?) .. Is it possible that I am going to trip again? :C I don't want to trip. :C Hahah.. :C 4. Is there anything that helps against afterimages? :c 5. Is there anything that brings you back to the "reality" from DPDR? The last two questions I ask because I haven't been on these kinds of forums for like more than 6 months. Maybe you know something new that I have missed in this time. :s But yeah! I think I have written enough for today. 8D Feel much better now. C: Hope someone want to reply so I don't feel so lonely. Hahah. Hugs! Have a nice day. And may the odds be ever in your favor. lol.
  25. I just signed up to this forum and wanted to really contribute something. Let me give you guys some background information on me. I am currently 15 years old and have been sober for approximately 5 1/2 - 6 months. I have used various psychoactive substances a couple months before I was even 13. My entire life(only 15 years), I would always over-indulge into especially habit-forming activities. Sadly, I would lose interest in about everything else there is to life but those habits. For instance; I played video games daily averaging about 6 - 8 hours a day for about 7 years (from 8 years old to this day). I would never exercise or even eat because I just wanted to play all day. Then when I was about 11 years old I got into masturbating quite often. I masturbated sometimes up to 8 times a day and found myself to be depressed much more often. I later found out that sex/masturbation acts in the brain much like the same way many drugs act, by causes a short-lasting high rise in dopamine(natural feel-good chemical) then a long enduring decline. Right now, when I think back to those habits I realized that I was probably prone to becoming addicted to shit like drugs. I started off like many with marijuana(used about 150+ times). I went to any kind of pills then eventually I would use whatever was available. DXM(used about 12 times), diphenhydramine(used about 5 times along with DXM usually), nitrous oxide(used about 10 times), computer duster(used about 3 times), air freshener(used about 40 times), hydrocodone(used about 5 times), xanax(used twice), cocaine(used twice), ecstasy(used 9 times), alcohol(used 5 times), spice(synthetic cannabinoids used about 40 times), codeine(used about 3 times), tobacco, amphetamines(used twice), and those are the drugs I can remember using. The most damaging drugs I feel like I used were definitely all inhalants, DXM(sent me to the ER), and spice(sent me to the ER). I believe to have gotten HPPD from my use with DXM mostly and the diphenhydramine/inhalants/spice. My HPPD consists of intense visual snow, sometimes objects getting wider/narrower, and pattern/cartoon like designs on inanimate objects(tigers, robots, weird shit, etc.) none of it is colorful though. Occasionally I see something at the corner of my eye like a cat that is not actually there but it is pretty rare. I have quit using any and all psychoactive substances(even caffeine) for the past 6 months. I have had anxiety attacks, panic attacks, and depression along with the HPPD. The anxiety and panic attacks have definitely gotten better though as time went by. I use to never exercise but once I quit using all drugs I started a daily routine of going to the gym or playing basketball for at least 30 minutes a day and that has vastly improved my anxiety. I can't even remember the last time I got a panic attack but I guess it was a couple weeks ago. The depression, however, is still present as well as the HPPD. I undeniably have brain damage as well, vision loss, memory loss, hearing loss and anything else associated with brain damage I have it. It is not traumatic nor major but it is still brain damage. I have some major loss of interest in just about everything except for masturbating and playing video games still. My HPPD has not been improved in the past 6 months that I have been clean but I feel like with a better sleep schedule and more exercise/better nutrition it will be easier to just go on with it and ignore it. I currently sleep at about 2 - 3 AM in the morning and night time is when the HPPD is most prevalent but I am so used to sleeping that late that it is difficult to adjust to a new schedule. I have not tried any medication to help my HPPD but I am definitely considering it. I will update you guys at least monthly to tell you how I am doing with everything. Hopefully I help someone else out with the same/similar problems as me. I will try to limit how much I masturbate, how much time I spend on video games, and adjust my sleep schedule to hopefully reduce any stress/anxiety tied into them as I strongly believe that anxiety/stress play a major role in worsening/maintaining HPPD. I want to regain interest in other things in life as much as I want my HPPD gone. The best thing to do is to never give up on your goals, and that is exactly what I am going to do. Never give up, even if you can't fully complete the goal just compromise as best as you can. ~TheSoberPotato

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