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Found 178 results

  1. I don't really know where else to vent about this, in all honesty, it's really bothering me that this could go on for so long, anyways let me begin. This is just a thought of mine I have, and I don't want anyone to judge me for it because I feel like it could make me kinda sound delusional. Let me begin, It's been about a year now since I first touched mdma, I remember when I first got my hands on it, I did it on Christmas eve and Christmas, lied to my family about where I was, i was doing it hours before work, there was a point when I did it something like 5 nights in a row. I picked up cocaine a few times which made me extremely suicidal, there was actually one time I had myself convinced i was going to spend all my money in my bank account on blow in hopes it would kill me(I don't know if it actually would have, and I still don't know if it would, I was just really reckless), it was a relatively rough period for me. I never had hppd during that period of time though. But mdma, I did stop doing it as I couldn't find pure stuff anymore. I ended up stumbling upon mushrooms and lsd, the first time I took acid, best experience I've ever had in my entire life. Mushroom trips while not good, always helped me with my other neurological disorder. Then I got hppd after a bad acid trip, I'm here now 7 months later, I think things have gotten better in terms of visuals, for the most part my anxiety is usually non-existent. But every time my hppd is beginning to show improvements, I find my drug addiction comes back harder and harder. I ask myself most times, is it even possible to truly have an addiction 9 months after the last time you even touched the drug? You wouldn't think so. Maybe it's just my mental state. I should correct myself, the last time I was doing hard drugs faithfully was 9 months ago, I did end up doing a Molly capsule back in June, that nobody even knows of, not my girlfriend not anyone in my family, only my nephew whose a few months younger than me. It definitely made my hppd worse, it has gotten better since, though my ghosting was virtually non existent before, and now while it's going away again, it's definitely a lot slower going away than it was before. Now, my hppd is finally getting better again, my mental capacity is so lacking, that I can't seem to get it through to myself that drugs put me here, mdma made it worse, but I find myself being drawn back into it. I have so much trouble fighting my urges. I know it's not a life to live, hppd or not hppd. My mom died back in 2010, and I'm relatively confident that I suffer from dp/dr because of it, my emotions are relatively numb, I feel like I don't care about my family like the normal person should. Drugs filled that void my mom left there when she died. It's been so long that I truly do not know wether or not if what i feel is normal, personally, something does feel off, and it did before hppd happened. Sometimes I kinda wonder, if my mom or even the universe for that matter, sees that I have some kind of purpose for good, which is why I was thrown into this mess with hppd to stop an addiction from getting worse, to fulfill something meaningful. Granted, it's very important to me to help someone, or change at least one person's life for good while I'm here, so maybe I'm just really lost in my own mind and this is all some weird ploy I came up with to comfort myself with this mess I'm in. I just really hope something in my life changes soon, because while my hppd may not be getting worse, something about my life is. I have a new job as a security guard, I work shift work, 7 days on and 7 days off, 12 hour shifts. And while it does pay decent, I just don't truly think it's for me. I want to do something meaningful. Sorry for the rant guys, haven't posted on here in a while and my urges and just my life all around have been coming in full swing, needed people I could relate to, to see this. Thank you.
  2. Spookysald

    A gist of my HPPD story

    I have had HPPD for about four months now. I know it's not a very long time for how long it can last but, it's so awful living with this every day. The only way I'm personally able to describe it is that the air around me is suffocating, like a have no space in an empty room filled with breathing walls, visual snow, static or tiny patterns. Another thing I have is very bad depersonalization and it's the whole reason why my anxiety comes out like it does. Before I had HPPD I have only had an anxiety attack 3-4 times but now I get one almost every other day and it's so hard to manage hanging out with people in fear that I will start freaking out of no where and have to be alone. Usually when I am inside of an attack everything is so colorful and it looks like I'm on mixtures of drugs and it can last anywhere from a couple of seconds to an hour or 2. The only thing I like so far about this whole situation is that I've been able to find myself through art. I've found that if I'm feeling anxious I can just draw something and it will really help me forget. Everyone always tells me that they like the things I do and how they love that I found a unique style that belongs to me. I'm very happy that those people are supporting me even though I still wish I hadn't done the things I did to get this way. It all started when I did 3 psychedelics in over the corse of 8 days including: LSD, LSA and DXM. It took a while for my symptoms to come through but I can tell that all 3 of these drugs made a huge difference in my life because I feel the things I felt to this day when I was in all of those trips. I have been on a few medications so far to help the visuals and depersonalization. Including Prozac, Busbar, Abilify and Gabapentin. All of these drugs made things worse for me and I wish I never took any of them. Except for Gabapentin because I have a feeling it might work in a higher dosage. I have talked to my psychiatrist about HPPD and she had no clue what it was and didn't seem interested. She just jumped the gun on antipsychotics and labeled me as "psychotic" (because she's an asshole) I've done enough research to know that only in very small cases do antipsychotics help HPPD because it isn't the same thing as Psychosis at all. In my research ive found that Primarily benzos including Klonopin, Valium and Xanax work the best for depersonalization and visuals. And levetiracetam has been able to just help visuals. I really want to find a psychiatrist who understands instead of one who asks me if Acid and LSA are both LSD. I need someone who actually knows about drugs but my mother won't let me switch. Is there anyway that I can get her to understand or believe me and get me the medications I need without seeming like I'm pharma-shopping?
  3. 801music

    Tremors with hppd

    So in the beginning of hppd I had tremors just in my fingers but now it's kinda spread to my hands they shake pretty bad some nights , and also I get twitches in my head and scalp like in my lips and eyelids and forehead. Also been having muscle tension in my arms and chest. Is this just hppd and anxiety ?
  4. Hey guys, My doctor prescribed me lamictal yesterday and as pretty much all of you know, it's one of the more highly regarded medication out there for this condition. My hppd is actually very bearable, the only time I struggle is when I'm alone in the house where the lsd trip happened, which leads me to a few questions. If I decide to take it, and my hppd gets better/worse/stays the same, if I stop taking it will I return to baseline? Has anyone else taken this med?
  5. slowdancinginaburningroom

    Please Help - HPPD at 17, is it worth continuing?

    Hi all, So on August 6, 2017, at around 10pm, my friend basically forced me into doing acid for the first and only time. I didn’t really want to take it, my girlfriend had just broken up with me, I had gotten blackout drunk the night before, I had just eaten, and I was also afraid of the drug because I had always been told it fries your brain. So anyways, I took one tab of tested (not synthetic [excuse my terminology I know nothing about this stuff]) in order to get high, which is the wrong reason to take the drug. I didn’t really feel anything until I started getting some minor visuals a few hours in. Then at about the 5 hour mark, the trip turned terrible. I started freaking out, I got constipated, and I began to freak out begging my friend to take me to the hospital. After about 4 more hours of this, we both agreed to take a single Xanax bar, and that helped me finally go to sleep. The next day I felt ok, things seemed a little different and I guess I knew to expect that temporarily. The day after that is when all my problems began to surface. I began to see an abnormal amount of floaters in my vision that move with my eyes, not on my own, and I also began to see afterimages of everything and I have also developed blue field entoptic phenomenon as well. These all pale in comparison to the anxiety which controls me. It’s now been 2 months (October 11, 2017) as I write this, and I haven’t been able to get good sleep on a consistent basis and I am extremely concerned that this is tearing my life apart. I can’t get the fact that I used acid out of my head. The floaters never subside unless I am in a dimly lit room, and I become extremely anxious and am not able to sleep easily at night. My social life has significantly deteriorated as well, as my friends love to smoke pot but I no longer do because I am afraid it will aggravate my HPPD. The girl who broke up with me the day of the trip gave me a second chance, but after acid I became completely obsessed with her to a point where it became necessary for her to remove me from her life, despite the fact that I was never like that with her before tripping, and I convinced myself that I could not live without her, which is downright creepy and not like the old me at all. She has called me psychotic on two different occasions since the breakup despite me not telling her anything I am suffering from. It has now been 3 weeks and my thoughts are still consumed by her and my HPPD. I haven’t smoked pot since 6 days before the trip, and since the trip I have taken one Xanax and drank on several occasions, which I have now stopped. I use an e cigarette every day and but I don’t drink caffeine. I have committed now to complete sobriety aside from the e cig, which I had quit previously for about 3 days, but did not alleviate any symptoms. I’m only 17 and I have my whole life ahead of me and right now I feel like it isn’t worth living if I have to deal with this. I made a mistake, one tab of acid, and I don’t know if I can deal with the reality that this may haunt me for the rest of my life. If this is truly permanent, I can’t see why I would want to continue to be a part of this world as it’s only been 2 months and the symptoms, however minor, are now unbearable. I cannot get professional help as my parents are non-believers in western medicine and would not send me to a psychiatrist unless I went full-blown insane. There is also no history of mental illness in my family. Any suggestion is welcome.
  6. Hello friends, I researched the topics about medications, but found few things about valerian. On some sites it says to be useful for hppd, but here I do not find people saying conclusively that valerian is really useful. In my case, I think that if improving my anxiety / depression will already be a lot of help. I await your reports, tnks .
  7. I came to talk to you about my symptoms a little bit. I'm Brazilian, so if I say something wrong, I apologize, but I'm still not fluent in English. About 11 months ago I tried lsd with a friend, after an hour we used weed, and after that I had a very bad trip. Only today I was able to find this forum, because until then I did not even know what I really have. After using lsd, I have never used lsd or weed again. Since then, I have a lot of anxiety, sometimes I feel very depressed, and I really feel some visual effects, such as sensitivity to light, things seem to vibrate a little, and it seems that sometimes I see traces in moving things. What makes me bad is that I can never stop thinking about it all, I try to fight against my own mind not to think about it, but it's very difficult, when I realize it, I'm thinking about it. From what I understand I have hppd, but is it normal for me to think about it constantly? Sometimes I think I'm going to go crazy. This site was very inspiring to me, until then I was very afraid of what happened to me, and not knowing that there are so many other people with the same problem. So, THANK YOU for making me a little calmer. I will accompany you always now, hoping that I will improve. Thank you.
  8. LethargicAcid

    video about weed and hppd

    hey I decided I finally would upload a video about hppd gonna upload on youtube WIN_20171117_060240.MP4
  9. Hello everyone, First of all, I'm really sorry for everyone here that suffers from HPPD, derealization, depersonalization, anxiety, depression, panic attacks and other symptoms. I'm a journalism student at Anglia Ruskin University, UK. As my final project, I'm making a documentary about HPPD as a way to raise awareness for this condition. I know about HPPD because of my boyfriend, he's been having it for almost 2 years now and this is my way of trying to understand him better and my way of trying to help in any way I can. For my documentary, I'd like to talk to other people with HPPD, because everyone experiences it differently. If any of you wouldn't mind sharing your story with me, you can contact me at this email - c.neves@outlook.pt Your help would be truly appreciated. Thank you so much in advance, Carolina Neves
  10. Hey all. I'm 18 and pretty confident I have some form of HPPD, or at least something's definitely changed in the past few months, and this is the first support board I've consulted. This is going to be really long because I want to be as specific as possible and see if anyone can relate in any ways. If you only care for what I consider the more important part of the reason why I'm typing this, read the last 2 paragraphs. First, I'll start with some background: About 4 months ago, my friend hit me up about tripping at a different friend's house. At first, I thought we were doing some shrooms, but when I arrived he only had a couple tabs of acid, and I was down to try as it was the summertime before I was going to go to college, and I believed myself ready for such an experience. I took one tab, 100mics, and was fully confident. Eventually though, we had to move locations, and my friend decided to go to a beach near my house. As I was on the come up, he thought it a good idea to invite all my sober friends over and hang out. I was good up until this point, but we then moved location to my house, and this is when I really started bugging. So as we were about to go in my house, my sober friends decided to talk to me about "how stupid it was" to have taken acid and that they "never would have done that". This combined with the setting of my house with my parents and siblings inside made for a very paranoid portion of the trip. Luckily, I wasn't really tripping so much as feeling pretty high at this stage, so I insisted to my friend that we leave immediately. I began pleading to my friend that was also tripping, saying maybe it was a mistake that I took it, and that maybe I would be changed forever, but he brought me somewhat back into control, but it was mostly of my own efforts. As soon as we left my house, the experience completely changed. At this point, I was really tripping hard and the car ride felt super good, with the wind blowing and all of my senses being melded together, I just felt really really good. As the night progressed, we had arrived at a nature conservatory, and just settled down. I won't go into specifics, but I really enjoyed this portion and had a super positive and intelligent time. I then headed back with the same friend who had tripped, and began to see those weird effects on objects when you're driving, where it becomes like shutter frames or something. The roads around me are also super swervy, and I felt pretty cool as I drifted back and forth (This is important for later on). As we arrived back, I slept it off and felt pretty dead the next day, but felt nonetheless completely normal. TL;DR, We tripped at my house for a little, where I was bugging out, but as soon as we left I had a really positive and mind-blowing experience with acid. Post all this, I was a big fan of acid, and even vouched for it to multiple friends and believed it to be supremely enjoyable. I was even considering doing it with one of my close friends who had done it in the past, and never really looked back on the experience the whole rest of the summer. I drank, smoked, and enjoyed the rest of my days pretty much just partying. I had some slight paranoia about flashbacks and such, because of course I had realized they existed, but such a low percentage of people had it that I was sure I wouldn't and one friend I knew had taken 1000 mics and convinced me that they didn't exist. I wouldn't be the guy who got it. No way. Fast forward to about 2 months ago, and it was three days before I was set to leave. I was having one more huge smoke sesh with my friend before I left, and didn't have acid on my mind for a second. It was like any other stoned night, and as I was driving my friend back to my house, I distinctly remember feeling a sudden onset of that swervy road feeling again, and it brought me back to the trip where I began seeing the same exact visuals that I saw the night that I was tripping on the way back to my house, like the shutter frame thing. I got pretty paranoid, but my friend convinced me to go get pizza in town with him and settle down, and I instantly felt way better. I ended the night on a high note, and the trip ended as soon as I stepped out of the car. Then I proceeded to pass out at my house. I decided that as long as I didn't drive at night baked, I would be fine. The next day, I woke up feeling fine and decided to smoke with one of the same friends. With the knowledge I had assumed, that all I needed to do was not drive high at night, I gave high driving another go but this time during the day. Boy, was I wrong. I got far far more trippy visuals than the day before, like my whole line of sight being tilted side to side every time I looked up at the road, along with the same visual effect as the other day. I was incredibly paranoid, and wondered if this would happen every time I smoked. I told my friend that I needed to drop him off (what a shitty way to end our last sesh ever) and proceeded to drive back in this same trippy state. When I got back home, the trip didn't end like when I got out of the car the night before, and I really started to freak out and immediately decided to sleep it off. I don't really remember how I felt the rest of the day, but I know I wasn't tripping anymore after I slept, just slightly foggy like after you smoke. The day after this, I noticed something was up. I felt pretty detached, and became super anxious, especially as it was the day before I was leaving for college. It felt like I was just permanently slightly buzzed. I also noticed that when I drove, my vision would ever so slightly lean one way then snap back into place, which obviously didn't help. As I got to college, my vision was still the same, cloudy and like my entire perception is different. When I arrived (Been about a month and a half now) I continued to drink, and felt pretty fine and continue to feel mostly fine. I then decided to try adderall (I'm prescribed) and felt fine the first two times, but the third had my first onset of what I believe to be true DP;DR, or at least one of them the day after. It was probably the single-handed worst day of my life. I felt as though I couldn't communicate with anyone, and that I was barely there, almost like I was just a set of senses looking at people through a weird fuzzy glass. I couldn't feel emotions like I used to, so much so that I visited the university doctor and got pretty much nothing besides a possible prescription for benzos, which I refused. For those of you who deal with this on an everyday basis, I cannot imagine the pain and suffering you go through. I continued to have these days every so often on a lesser scale, but on these days as soon as I began interacting with people and getting into routine I was brought back into myself, but never fully. This brings me to now, as I sit here typing this instead of my 10 page essay because it's so hard to do fucking anything now. I used to be very social, with a significant amount of control over my emotions and my mental state. It's super difficult and strange to describe how I feel on a day-to-day basis in terms of my mental state, as most days I feel and function fine, but it's almost as if I don't truly enjoy, hate, love, or feel anymore. I'll laugh at things I find funny, but it's like the part of me that laughs is in a completely separated part of my head than how I feel. Even when I was crying to the doctor involuntarily about my mother, I felt this sort of utter nothingness in my head, yet an overwhelming sorrow and melancholy at the same time. I don't want to say this is psychosis, because I felt far worse the day I had a bout of DP;DR, but it still feels like so inferior to my past way of living. The visual stuff is worse and better on some days, but a symptom I haven't yet read of anyone else getting is that when I shake my head, my perception almost needs to catch up, which creates this disorienting illusion of the objects moving side to side. The same applies to when I move my head forward and back and look at an object, it almost becomes magnified for a quick second when I pull my head away because the closeness of the object is still there for a quick second. The tilting of my peripheral is sometimes still there, though I can make it worse by tilting my head. When I run, with every step my vision gets jolted slightly, and one of the most noticeable weird things is that when I make myself dizzy, and then stare at an object, rather than getting that typical woozy dizzy feeling I used to get, my vision tilts and snaps back very quickly (Every .5s) at a lesser and lesser scale until eventually it settles back into place. I also get halos (rainbow with white lights), streaks when I blink, and light sensitivity. It doesn't help that I'm posed to go into business, and noticed that with stress and lack of sleep my symptoms get way worse. All of this is also worse at night. In such an important time in my life, acid really screwed me over. Thanks to whoever takes the time to read all this.
  11. HDDeer

    CBD

    Does anyone or has anyone tried cbd oil? What has it done for you in terms of visuals
  12. Has anyone used this supplement? I know gaba plays a big role in hppd and i havent seen many trials on this supplement. Its only $10 so if no one has tried it, i will gladly guinea pig. So, please let me know! https://www.amazon.ca/gp/aw/d/B0013OVZAG/ref=pd_aw_sim_121_2?ie=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=2VHBYAHDRPDTKMXFFKFJ&dpPl=1&dpID=41gIOd1BtwL
  13. Hey everyone. I've been off the page for a little while since I got a new job, requires me to be gone from home for 12 hours a day 7 days a week and after my 7 days I get a week off. The job itself is doing me wonders, It shows me that I can still live a functioning normal life even with a few vision problems and some anxiety. The time I usually get to notice my symptoms is when I'm driving on the highway late at night, so tonight when I was driving for the first time in a week I noticed my ghosting was a lot less severe. Ever since I started taking magnesium oxide I've also noticed my visual snow has nearly completely gone! I don't wanna say there's only 5-10% of it left but I will say it's about 50% less than what it was about a month ago. If you're someone who doesn't have a job or had dropped out of school due to hppd, my honest suggestion is to push through it and not let it dictate the things you do. If you let hppd control the way you live your life you're getting sucked into it and it becomes you. There's more to you than hppd, there's so many other things to be done. On one final note, I think the last time I was on this page was the 29th of August and I will say not browsing this page every day benefited me so much. I came back here for the first time in a week tonight and after reading some posts I felt my anxiety and nervousness levels rise. This page can be very helpful to you to get advice from people or if a new symptom arrises. But I was so much worse off when I was browsing these forums 2-3 times a day every day. Now don't get me wrong, I don't hate the page, as far as I'm concerned we are all family fighting a battle and I would do anything for every one of you that was in my power. But there needs to be a point when you step back from the forums and pick yourself up and move on with your life. I will still be around, just not every day, I encourage you all to do the same.
  14. So, quick for introduction to my background in regards of HPPD, I have done a whole bunch of drugs before and I already had HPPD in a major developement and tried to manage it with certain forms of therapy and by giving it aome conciouss time... my constant symptoms when it was the best were tracers and that a part of my concioussess is in the spirit world which is very fine with me. I pretty much had trust in DMT and Salvia (I don´t know why I trusted Salvia I only tryed it a few times before and one time it even scared me, with that I have to mention that I am used to trip hard and that it is hard to scare me in this sense ) To the topic... about 26h ago I tripped hard on salvia while I was on Paracetamol ( stupidity is big in this one because I forgot that I was taking Paracetamol because I took it as medication for my cold, knowing that Paracetamol has some sort of not fully researched effect on opioid eceptor and the fact that Salvinorin-a bind onto kappa-opioid receptors I propably wouldn´t have done the salvia) After the trip I instantly wrote down my experience and while writing it down I started this feeling in my body arise, it was a combination between the HPPD I got from a 2cb x MDMA x Methamphetamine x Cannabis and the HPPD I got from a painfull experience with 5HTP and LSD just mixed into this salvia dissociation and trip I slept hours longer than I usually do and woke up very dissociated The dissociation is my main problem with this case of HPPD because it is not only like depersonalization/dissociation-syndrome it has it´s very own vibe ( like every HPPD) ... I just never had HPPD from a dissociative psychedelic I guess^^ other symptoms include: very strong enhancement of colours ( even stronger that it was with the LSD HPPD) ,constant contact/concioussness with/about these imagined/normally unperceived entities that arise when tripping hard on salvia, also I don´t have small visuals in my visual field like specific tracers for this HPPD or swirls or anything but my whole vision is moving as one most of the time when it is weaker ( as if I knew the world was spinning) when it gets worse I can´t see sharply and more complex geometric patterns are in my whole visual field. I hope someone here can help me or that I can at least find some kind souls to share a path together much love and light Ari
  15. My doctor prescribed me 0.5 mg of klonopin to take when needed, how should i take it so it reduces visuals.
  16. Dear Fellow Hppdler! So iam a hppd newbie , i've had it since this march. so roughly 5 Months. I actually just want to ask you if my symptoms are Hppd, or pre hppd, PTSD or whatever! Symptoms: NO visual snow! NO trailing! NO afterimages! The only Vision related things are: Increase of colour , eg trafficlights But somehow only bright colors do increase^^, weird stuff ^^ Normal colors look normal My vision got worse, like my general eyesight got worse. Then i also got DR , but no DP! Actually only the derealisation bothers me... It got better during the months, but the DR did only slightly decrease. Do you think this is Hppd? Iam not sure about this, i got my hppd from some horrific lsd trip , so may i just have a trip related trauma? and my mind is trying to protect itself from it by going in DR mode? PS: of couse i stopped ALL drug use since then sincerely, J
  17. HDDeer

    Guinea Pig

    Alright, i bought a supplement called gaba by now off amazon, because i know gaba plays a big part in hppd and it also has relatively positive reviews. I posted on here and on the facebook page and i didnt get any responses in regards to people using it so im going to guinea pig and let people know the effects in the in my post on the medication forum.
  18. Im looking to get some ppinions on this, does anyone think if you refrain from pharms and/or illegal drugs you are more likely to make a 100% Full recovery in the future? As in only exercising and taking supplements and healthy dieting, no fap. I feel like in a way it only makes sense, your brain chemistry was altered and continuing use with any powerful mind altering medication will only slow things down? I am now no longer looking to go on any benzos or medication long term. My goal now is to only use a clonazepam in a dire situation. I feel like your brain needs to rewire which i do believe it has the power to do.
  19. so the last time i took lsd was months ago, and my trip was filled with anxiety and panic. I was just anxious the whole time and had a bad panic attack because i was scared about dying. ;ever since that trip, i feel as if my vision isnt quite the same, and im not talking about the hppd aspect of it. things and people just looking slightly different, and a little more dream like. Everything and objects just look"off" and not quite like they used to, which really bothers me. When i try to recall in my memory how things used to look, it takes on the same "off" look in my mind as everything does now. Is this derealization? Am I stuck like this? will this visual change ever go away? the only things that have changed since i took the lsd was my vision and i have more anxiety now. what is this?
  20. James132

    Is this HPPD?

    I have had slight visual snow for my entire life as far as i can remember, never been a problem i always just though it was what normal vision looked like, its not a concern to me tbh. I have been smoking weed for atleast 2 years now mostly just when im with people so not that often, and have done Mdma twice. However not long ago I recently started seeing what looked like really tiny rain drops, the type you would have to go out of your way to try to see, constantly falling in my vision. Its only really visable when i dont concentrate on something or im looking into a dark space. I would probably decribe them more as a super thin/small pulsing light that kind of resembles rain drops. I noticed this a few days ago where i would look out me window trying to figure out if it was raining or not, and didnt think anything of it. Now I recently have been looking Into HPPD to see if thats what it is i am a lot more aware of them, I cant tell if it has been getting worse or im simply over aware of it and trying to look for it all the time. Doesnt really impact my life to much just anoying and freaks me out. What im really worried about is if its going to get worse. Anyone able to tell me if they think this is HPPD? I am also just as worried thats its not HPPD and it could be something more seriously wrong with my eyes? Thanks!!!
  21. A few nights ago i decided to take mdma idiotically because my symptoms were so much better after 4 months of abstaining from drugs, well during the trip and afterwards i can say i believe i know whats it like to have the full 9 yards of hppd. During the trip it was horrifying, faces everywhere on my floor on my dogs fur on my wall, my feet were itchy i could feel the anxiety and paranoia but i think the mdma helped me manage to stay happy. The next day i learned of all the severity of symptoms that other people have that i dont, my ghosting was not just only above like it usually is, but it was below and side by side, 4x as worse as what it usually was. When people talk about starbursting, i used to think that was normal, but no i saw what it really was like, and i saw afterimages of literally everything. My visual snow was creating flying cars or weird hallucinations that i couldnt completely make out, my anxiety had been almost the same as it was before. Thankfully 4 days later it seems as if im back to the baseline as to where it was before. Guys, mdma used to be my drug, i used to do it every day before work but now i cant stomach it. So my message to you is, if you have hppd, DRUGS ARE NOT WORTH IT.
  22. >Visits the doctors about HPPD, doctor doesn't know anything about HPPD >Tells doctor about persisting drug-induced hallucinations and panic attacks, gets referred to a drug and alcohol service >Makes it clear that there is no history of addiction or continued use, gets referred to psychiatrists >Open to suggestion, trying not to be classed as a drug-seeker, I accept the anti-psychotic prescription Seroquel >Takes Seroquel, makes HPPD worse, notifies doctors of this >Is offered SSRI anti-depressants for panic attacks, rejected them >Prescribed antipsychotic Olanzepine (Zyprexa), which doesn't do anything for HPPD, and Diazepam (Valium) for panic attacks, which also does nothing >Moved to a mental health facility so that doctors can sort medication out >Psychiatrists conclude that panic disorder can fix itself and that the HPPD visuals are psychotic hallucinations >Prescribes Aripiprazole (Abilify), and took away the Diazepam, which made HPPD worse, and induced anxiety and hypertension (high blood pressure) Psychiatrists insist that benzo's are unsafe and should only be used short term due to risk of addiction, despite no history of addiction and the thousands of milligrams worth of any benzodiazepine it would take to actually be fatal. Big fuck you to every single doctor out there who hasn't done their research and has treated every HPPD patient like this. I have already explained to them that the most effective treatment for HPPD include anti-convulsants, but they do not listen. Instead they want to chuck as many anti-psychotics and anti-depressants at me as possible, hoping that I will come across one that will eventually kill me. These doctors are not here to help, they are here to kill and deny effective treatment. Even if addiction were a problem (which is not if you do not abuse medicaiton), I'd rather be addicted to a drug than have HPPD for the rest of my life. Now I will proceed to seek medication illegally because this medical system has failed me.
  23. MadDoc

    Over 4 decades with HPPD

    Hi. I'm 57 years old and I've carried a deep secret most of my life. I see visual patterns everywhere. They are most prominent in anything with a fine grain. Tar, sand, carpets, curtains, textured ceilings ... you get the idea. I see patterns, shapes, designs, animals, faces, Aztec glyphs, etc. as if intentionally created by an artist. They're not static either. The slowly move, shift, and transform. If I'm looking at a wall I "know" it's a wall. I don't believe the hallucinations are actually visible to anyone else so I guess I'm sane. How did this happen? Just before my 14th birthday I entered High School. An older friend of mine asked me if I would like to try "acid". I had smoked cannabis with him before and he assured me it was similar. Well, acid in the early 70s was quite strong and it was a long day. From that day forward I had this issue with seeing visuals I described earlier. My earliest memory of this was after smoking some cannabis I saw the outline of a flower appear on the fabric covering a speaker. I kept taking hallucinogens until I was about 20 years old and then stopped taking drugs all together. However, the visuals never went away. I can look at a sidewalk and it looks like all the little sand grains were laid out in complex designs. It's as if "random" doesn't exist in my visual experience. I've learned to deal with it in my own way. I look at it as my ability to not just see the mundane. This disorder hasn't stifled my ability to solve complex problems, get a degree, raise a family, and work in a professional career. In a funny way it's like an old friend. I think I might miss it if it "cleared up". I was stunned to find out that there was a term for what I have. For years I figured I was borderline schizophrenic because I was seeing things. Hiding this disorder has caused great anxiety in my life because I knew it wasn't "normal" and I never knew if it would get worse. I'm hoping to find other people with symptoms like mine. I'd also like to give people hope because I've lived with this for over four decades and life is great.
  24. It may just be me getting used to hppd but i find my all cevs to be fading, i find my visual snow to even be less when my eyes are closed as opposed to when theyre opened. Its like im getting a taste of what its like pre trip. Itll be 4 months in 5 days. Unfortunately it seems that when my eyes are opened the static is constant.
  25. HDDeer

    Reassurance

    This is mainly to the newcomers like myself. For those of you just entering your days of hppd, take it from someone who also hasnt had it for very long, ive only had it for 3 months. The first month to months could very well be a hellish ride straight to satans throne. But one thing id tell you is to not lose hope, insert yourself into discussions with friends and on forums(not just about hppd but anything) take some recommended vitamins like vitamin d3 and b complex and magnesium, get a therapist you can talk to and stay active, all these things will help you get better. While my visual symptoms have not subsided, my physical symptoms on the other hand have. Ive always had social anxiety tho, so for the most part i would say i definitely feel like myself again. I attempted suicide in my first month and its now my third month and im so glad i never did. If theres three things of most importance i could tell you to do 1. Acceptance(accept this is your life as of right now, you cant dwell on the fact you MIGHT have this for the rest of your life because you also MIGHT NOT. My girlfriend told me i just need to take it one day at a time, we live day by day not month by month or day by month, you dont know if youll have this tomorrow or a month from now or a year, which leads to my second) 2. Never give up hope (Accepting that you have it in my opinion is a great step to recovery. But also being hopeful in the possibility of recovery is very important) Acceptance and being positive/hopeful are two great things to feel towards hppd. Its at that point imo you can feel true improvement and recovery. 3. CEASE ALL DRUGS. I cant stress that one enough, let your brain rest. Those in my opinion are the three best things to do when faced with hppd. Granted i may have it milder than a lot of hppders but i do want you guys to know i havent smoked or dosed since the onset, i drank maybe 3 or 4 times(avoid that too if you can) i also have a foot injury right now but most of my improvement came when i was going to the gym and running and sweating like a dog. Hppd isnt the end, but in a lot of ways its an eye opener.
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