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Br0k3nS41nt

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Everything posted by Br0k3nS41nt

  1. Have been struggling with dp, and VS lately. Usually at normal levels my DP is just nonexistence. I cannot naturally associate myself and my actions, I know I do them, but my memories are just words, I cannot visualize or claim any emotional ownership over them. It as if I was told them by an absolutely reliable third party. Visually I know what things look like, but to me those descriptions are aquired not though me living in my own memories (I could never say that something seems like only yesterday, as all my memories seem infinitely distant). The other day it got as worse as it has ever been, my perception felt like it retreated into my own head. My surroundings felt as if they only existed within my mind. Everything felt as if it was an idea, without any eternal reality associated with it. I felt as if I was going to lose control of my body as I could not associate myself with it, only with my perception (which felt that it was only attached to the idea of my external body). Because I was so within my own mind and not in anything objective, I fept as though my existentense was not tied to anything. I was just going to fade out of reality (or keeping with the theme of DP existence was going to fade out of me) This was not a good feeling to have in times square at 3 AM. To abort the panic attack I had to sit down and think. This is not actually happening, this is just a feeling.
  2. This is key, I have had HPPD for a year and a quarter now, but it really doesn't bother me anymore. No anxiety, even though I have a healthy dose of DP and a broad array of moderate visuals. One day I just realized that me constantly checking my symptoms and thinking about how bad it is to have HPPD/DP was only adding to my pain, so I just stopped. My quality of life has vastly improved, and though my first wish would be to get rid of this, I wouldn't be lying that HPPD, particularly DP, is something I find fascinating to be enveloped in. I haven't been visiting this forum here because I just want to move on, I have bigger things to worry about now.
  3. Disequilibrium, not vertigo, vertigo is essentially spinning, like when you spin around in circles. If you feel as if you are on a boat in stormy weather, this is disequilibrium. I had this bad for about 4-5 months after my trip.
  4. Nope Shaolin, I am there with you, DP/DR varies in intensity for me, but there was only once where I actually felt as I existed since birth, it lasted like 30 seconds.
  5. So today I am confusing white as having a red tint, color confusion is a wonderful addition to my symptoms!

    1. John Smith

      John Smith

      So it just happened out of the blue? Youve never had this symptom before? Is it gone? Sorry to hear man.

  6. I have always had tinnitus, I had just discovered it one day as a child going to bed after coming down from a fever. It was never bad, listening to sound is able to get rid of it for the most part, however, it has gotten worse since HPPD. I wouldn't put it up there as a symptom I worry about at all though.
  7. I am close if you consider the other side of the state close. What are your symptoms?
  8. To a lesser extent myself compared to my family history. My mother has major depression, has been through psychotic episodes (I am unsure about the actual diagnosis), histrionic personality disorder. My aunt suffers from frequent migraines. Grandmother has many phobias GAD etc. Other then I having sleep issues, night terrors and spells of sleep waking were a frequent occurance during a large potion of my childhood, I was pretty psychologically healthy, albeit noticeably different. A lot of people say I have schiziodish personality traits, although I am pretty sure I would never fit that diagnosis.
  9. It is unlike stroke or encephalitis where there is cell death which can be directly related to how widespread the affected area is, e.g. more paint you huff the more fucked your brain gets. But, HPPD, rather, I believe has to deal with the disinhibition--however this may occur--at synapses which has more to do with whatever is flying around your brain interacting with your brain's organic structure, this is not necessarily related to how big a dose you take and it may take a minute after the initial dose to recognize the symptoms. This I think makes most sense then the I KILLED HALF MY BRAIN, hypothesis.
  10. Heh, Visual, I feel as though anyone of us hooked up to that machine would have gotten some strange readings. I believe the machines they use for neurofeedback are qEEG which what I believe would be most helpful in aiding the diagnosis of these disorders. Perhaps the reaction you got from the doctor would then translate to some kind of sympathy from people who dont have to live in those brainwaves.
  11. Actually yeah, at least to some extent. One of the last times I smoked weed my visual snow went from background visual noise to strange overlays on my vision, first it was green blue and yellow dots in a specific configuration over and over again. Then those dots turned in a drawing of a camp fire with three circles around it repeated across my entire visual field. I could see through these overlays but what I saw was trippy as fuck, I saw what looked like a donkey in a window staring at me and all the walls were moving as the ocean does when a hurricane hits, many waves ferociously moving through the walls. I really didn't know what to think about this I was not psychotic for I new it was a result of my hppd interacting with the thc and whatever else that may have been in that bong. I never really thought however that may stay like this forever though, only because I wont allow myself to do so, the future is unpredictable.where anything is possible, so I am going to worry myself over shit like that. It went away when I woke up the next day.
  12. HPPD does not show up on MRI or EEG. There is evidence it shows on qEEG though. I don't know the specifics but the brain waves on qEEG for HPPD and qEEG for people on LSD are similar. Email david kozin, I am sure if he finds time to answer it will yield valuable information on the subject. I believe his thesis on the subject is accessible at least in some part if you wish to look it up.
  13. Just work toward acceptance, rationality is you friend. Just make sure that you can understand your symptoms and know what sets them off, make sure you believe you are OK with your surroundings and just try to live life as best you can. The way I see it, you can cope with this disorder one of two ways, either through medication, which is through the management of you anxiety or without medication through elimination of you anxiety through acceptance. I have no problem with people who go the medication route, but trying to cope with just medication alone can screw with you, you do not want a klono withdrawal response on top of HPPD. HPPD will probably be with you for a long time, there is really no way you can change that in the short term. Once I realize this myself, that there was no reason to be anxious about something I had no way of fixing or changing my anxiety was almost completely cut away. I can now just live life. Of course different strokes.
  14. Wow, anyway it is good you are doing better. It is interesting though you found relief with anti-psychotics which make things worse for most people with HPPD. I know you do not feel manic and bipolar, nor psychotic, but do you feel as your issues stem from HPPD?
  15. Heh yeah, sometimes it is good every once in a while to hear a honest success of just being able to come out the other side. I believe there are people that do and just want to forget the black hole that was this time, which is completely understand able. i have been able tocope pretty well without hope of recovery as I believe attempting to cope with the disorder on the grounds of hope for a better future alone will lead you to places that are worse off then just trying to live the best you can with what you have. But, it is always good to hear that there maybe an other side to this.
  16. A neurologist or a psychiatrist would be obviously preferable, but it is good for your GP to be on your side. I am not completely sure how healthcare works in the UK but he has access to legitimate literature on HPPD if it is the same as the US. Explain to him the problem in a honest fashion and tell how it is disrupting your life, the anxiety or depression it has caused you, etc. He then could refer you to a psychiatrist or a neurologist, and that is probably the best bet. Do the same for any doctor you see for this, the disorder is rare, but now it is not unheard of and not impossible to get any information on it from legitimate sources. Although, how long have you had the disorder? Help from a professional is a large part of many people's coping with this disorder, for good reason, but should not be an end-all.
  17. Just something else to note, ARM, is just perhaps your fight or flight response acting to positive stimuli instead of negative stimuli, therefore instead of you feeling anxious, you are feeling excited, which are really just two sides of the same coin. If your autonomic nervous system acts to negative stimuli, you will feel anxious because of all the different changes that are getting you ready for survival, but it is not unreasonable to also believe that it can act for positive stimuli as well. If it acts in such a way as a response to positive stimuli, plus since your body is reacting to positive stimuli, the same chills that run from the back of your neck would be perceived as negative during anxiety can be perceived as positive when excited and euphoric. It makes sense. http://en.wikipedia....%93Lange_theory I am pretty sure neurologists do not still believe this theory, but it is still an interesting read on how the fight or flight response can influence what you are feeling emotionally.
  18. I just thought everyone had these, a tingling from my scalp down my spine to my extremities and back up, kind of like an electrical current, It would rebound up and down up and down until it fades. It happens to me rarely, mostly when listening to music, often of a trance electronica type with a melody that enthralls me. Unfortunately, I after the first few time I listen to the song I kinda become desensitized to it and I stop feeling it. Like Boogres, I have become kind of emotionally blunted, at least subjectively, so I really do not feel this anymore but it happened with greatest frequency when I was a child. I just thought it was just a body response everyone had. However, I don't think there is any correlation between it and HPPD as I am pretty sure by the name that it has to deal with a response to stimuli in the autonomic nervous system which controls soft muscle function. The only way I could see it being correlated with HPPD is through people with anxiety issues because people with anxiety issues are hypersensitive to stimuli and have very active fight or flight system controlled by the sympathetic system, which is part of the autonomic nervous system. Also it is kinda just agreed upon that HPPD has to deal with anxiety response in some way. So it is possible there is a link there, but that is kinda grasping at straws.
  19. Yeah, that is how I started. Like a glass wall, infinitely thick, then came everything else.
  20. I never had derealization to real extent unless I really look at things. Early on though, I would wake up my arms would look very long and skinny, and sometimes people's faces look very surreal, their faces can become very distorted if I look for that. But, oh am I depersonalized, I have no conception of who I am, or what reality is, I cannot visualize things, all my memories feel as they were just told to me by whoever really did experience them. I also just feel numb. Strangely though I am almost comforted by this right now, as if I have found a little niche in reality and I am protected by it.
  21. http://www.psychworld.com/bloody-mary-illusion-explained-2010-10 This is really interesting, and I believe somewhat relevant. I have read people with HPPD will look in the mirror and start to see how fucked up and distorted their faces get. Sure it may have to do something with HPPD, but this article suggests that there is other components that are at work here. Anyways it is an interesting article.
  22. Sinemet has some interesting things associated with it. I would like it to be studied in relation to HPPD, to see how it is related to DP/dr especially, as that is what it seems to help the most. Although the success already with Sinemet is great. It will at least lead to medical research if it proves to help many people out. I just want that research, and I hope the medical side of this community looks into this seemingly promising lead.
  23. Yeah, being drug free is something we kinda all need to wrestle with, I know for me drugs even smoking still is a big temptation, living with heavy drug users. But I came to realize that smoking, the high for a couple hours, was not worth the risk of my visuals getting to the point where I am not OK with them again. Drugs got me here, my quality of life has dropped significantly, I am not going to keep doing the things that led to a that drop. It would stupid.
  24. Yeah, and that post saying he was cured here was before the "craniotomy" which he posted in his shoomery post. I don't think he is reliable. There are some overlapping aspects to his story, but in his post here mentioned names of doctors. I don't know about them though. Also, I am always very skeptical about people who say they just found a doctor that just knew some cure, "oh its some damaged neurons" or some other magic cure that is not known about by anyone else in the community. Wouldnt a doctor publish a sure treatment protocol especially for such an enigmatic and troubling disorder with links to other disorder? No it cannot be right if we get a treatment it would be probably years of research by the people we already know eg david kozin dr abraham etc There are just too many factors that do not match up.
  25. Just a response to your question chris. I do not suffer from derealization, only bad depersonalization, this I consider my foremost disorder, even though the visuals came first, Basically depersonalization for me is a feeling that my brain is gone, that I am eyes and legs. I cannot visualize things and all my memories feel as though they were told to me by someone else, I have no personal attachment to them. I can recall visual aspects of memories but very statically and one dimensional, like if I were looking at photographs through a dense, dark fog. Overall, it varies in severity from a background drone, to crippling mental disability, but now I am so accustomed to it, I can almost control it by thinking about it. Anxiety works that way, it is only there if you make it there, and as hard as it is to say, just ignore your symptoms. That is how I get by. One day I was looking at the wall covered in film grain, swaying up and down, and I just came to the realization that, me doing this is making this a whole lot worse, and the static and movement will not go away over shot period of me checking and rechecking the walls. So I try not to do that and my quality of life as gotten a lot better since then. Do I still have hard times? Yes. Do I get panic attacks and need to take meds for them? No.
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