HBB

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Everything posted by HBB

  1. Had HPPD for 3 years. Near suicide for 2 of them. Inches, inches, inches away. About a month before I, if I had to guess, believe I would have killed myself, I tried one last medicine, Keppra, and it cured me 90 percent. I just graduated with a psychology degree from Ole Miss. I am a piece of shit for not being on here sooner to help ANYONE who is afraid, has question, wants advice, just needs someone to talk to, is on the verge of suicide, anything and everything. I owe my life to this site, as it sustained me until I was absolutely and entirely lucky to stumble, after trying about 8 other medicines, something that cured me. And trust me, I know how much hearing someone say "cured" can make you want to throw up you want it so bad. And I would absolutely not say it if I did not mean it one hundred percent. My visual imperiments, after-images etc, did not improve at all I don't believe, but everything else absolutely did. Short term memory, long term memory, ability to speak, derealization and depresonalization decreased by about 90 percent, perhaps more. I even have a list of testimonials to the benefit and effectiveness of Keppra for other people that I compiled in my last ditch attempt to not kill myself, and it is quite honestly what I think convinced the doctor to let me try it. I still have this file that I would love for everyone to have if they want it. So, finally back to return the favor this site gave me, in that it kept me alive like a life boat until I simply got supremely lucky. If anyone is scared, just needs to talk, or are about to kill yourself, I will talk to you, any time, any place, about any thing. When I had HPPD, I was essentially schizophrenic, my sexual orientation mutated into a bysexual sort of thing that was so horrible I would hurt myself to try to feel manly again. I have no problem with any sexual orientation, but I was not gay before HPPD, but I did have the experience of being drawn sexualy to a man, imagining some form of sex with him, with my own father even (that is how merciless the disorder was), and then my former, actual self would sort of snap back into reality and it would literally feel like I had just been raped. It was like desiring to smash one's head into a brick wall, doing it, and then coming to consciousness as a person who did not like their head smashed into a brick wall. Trust me, I have been as low, pathetic, spat upon, disowned, a dissapointment, a disaster, a person who wrote "Happy Birthday" to himself on the dust of his TV screen because no one else was there. I have been, I truly believe, about as low as one can be before suicide. I say all this to encourage anyone to be absolutely not embarrassed in any way if they wish to talk about any sort of problem. I can provide you with philosophy to cope with HPPD, as I would have died much sooner if I had not derived some of these things. I can provide you with how to find/talk to a psychiatrist. I just really, really, desperately want to help ALL OF YOU. If I could hug you all and cry with you, I would, and if you came to my house, I would do that if you needed it. Again, I owe my life to this site. That's it. You can respond to this post if you want to get in touch with me. Also, my email is Locrian4@gmail.com. If you need help, let me know. -Hays
  2. I need an operation that requires anesthesia. Luckily, I can get local anesthesia, and not be put to sleep, but I was wondering what people's accounts of general anesthesia are. I've read some posts about some people having temporarily decreased symptoms, and others having their shit flare up forever worse.
  3. Make the font larger. Difficulty reading due to HPPD is due to two reasons: visual distortions, the other being cognition (comprehension, etc). To aid the ability to see the words more clearly, I believe enlarging font size will help, because the after-images will be more pronounced, and thus more easily seen as such. Try it for yourself. See if it is easier to read this exact paragraph at this higher font. I'm only talking in terms of visuals, not comprehension. For me, the trailing after-images make reading difficult sometimes, but the larger font seems to help. Make the font larger. Difficulty reading due to HPPD is due to two reasons: visual distortions, the other being cognition (comprehension, etc). To aid the ability to see the words more clearly, I believe enlarging font size will help, because the after-images will be more pronounced, and thus more easily seen as such. Try it for yourself. See if it is easier to read this exact paragraph at this higher font. I'm only talking in terms of visuals, not comprehension. For me, the trailing after-images make reading difficult sometimes, but the larger font seems to help.
  4. I think there should be two new sections considered to be added to the website. Frist: Anxiety Everyone with HPPD deals with it, and it is actually one of the few factors that execerbates existing symptoms. Everyone has their own methods for coping with anxiety, and I think we need a place where all of that can be easily found. There is an entire section devoted to benzodiazepines, such as Clonazepam and Xanax, including their abuse and withdrawel. Well, why not a section which deals with how to make benzodiazepines less of a necessity, such as one which extinguishes anxiety at the source, such as negative thought processes, instead of placating it with medications (the destructive side-effects of which many of us can attest to). This would not, of course, remove or lessen the necessity for a benzodiazepine section, as it is an enormously beneficial (and at times critical) tool when used properly. Second: Philosophy This would be similar to the anxiety section (and perhaps the two should be one) in that they both target the same problem. But philosophy extends beyond the scope of anxiety. Again, everyone has their own philosophies; from fate, to God, to atheism, to why to be positive, for why to be hopeless, why it is pointless to go on, why it is worth fighting to go on, reasons to live, reasons to die, reasons to be kind, reasons to think reasons exist. And everyone could weigh in on everyone else's views, which would foster the dissemination of ideas, and enrich everyone's lives with new ways to look at the world, new ways that might breathe fresh life into each of us. Those that seem appropriate to your life and how you see the world, take them with you. Those that do not seem accurate to you, simply discard them. And those who propose their own philosophies, be they their own or from another known philosopher, may find others' views on it suplement it. They might even challenge it, which could still lead to further, healthy contemplation. This section would require great composure from those who post. The potential for cruelty towards a worldview of someone else that clashes with your own could not be tolerated and would make the section impossible to run, as it is not the job of the moderators, who donate their time and energy and effort for free (shout out to all moderators: thank you), to comb a single section constantly because it is profuse with childishness. Anger, I believe, is ok, but not towards another person on the forum. Our situations are to serious for cruelty towards one another. We make up this community, and it is up to us to try to improve it for each other, and especially for the hundreds who comb the website who have not yet decided to become a member. I was one of them. Trust me, there are many, many more. Also, I do not know the logistics of this (for example, if it would cost the website more money to run if there were more forums). This is just to get a consensus on whether these seem good ideas. So, what does everyone think?
  5. That'd probably be even better, Still~
  6. I just ran across this on Wikipedia: "Neuroplasticity is a non-specific neuroscience term referring to the ability of the brain and nervous system in all species to change structurally and functionally as a result of input from the environment.[1] Plasticity occurs on a variety of levels, ranging from cellular changes involved in learning, to large-scale changes involved in cortical remapping in response to injury. The most widely recognized forms of plasticity are learning, memory, and recovery from brain damage..." I'm not saying HPPD is brain damage, by the way. In fact, I think it is more likely a sort of brain disorganization. But in the case that it is, or that it could be classified as brain damage, there is reason for optimism. Here is the link: http://en.wikipedia....Neuroplasticity It goes on to mention something about the most easily recognizable form of neuroplasticity has to do with visual sensory neuronal systems, so perhaps even stuff like visual snow and after-images will repair themselves via this plasticity. There have also been studies done to induce neuroplastic events. They've done it in rats and cats and probably a billion times. I know very little about this at the presetn, as I am just beginning to study it. More in the future. I'm doing a class presentation on a form of neuroplasticity. I'll put interesting stuff on here. The more I read, the more hopeful I get. Hope you all are well. Peace.
  7. Had HPPD for 3 years. Near suicide for 2 of them. Inches, inches, inches away. About a month before I, if I had to guess, believe I would have killed myself, I tried one last medicine, Keppra, and it cured me 90 percent. I just graduated with a psychology degree from Ole Miss. I am a piece of shit for not being on here sooner to help ANYONE who is afraid, has question, wants advice, just needs someone to talk to, is on the verge of suicide, anything and everything. I owe my life to this site, as it sustained me until I was absolutely and entirely lucky to stumble, after trying about 8 other medicines, something that cured me. And trust me, I know how much hearing someone say "cured" can make you want to throw up you want it so bad. And I would absolutely not say it if I did not mean it one hundred percent. My visual imperiments, after-images etc, did not improve at all I don't believe, but everything else absolutely did. Short term memory, long term memory, ability to speak, derealization and depresonalization decreased by about 90 percent, perhaps more. I even have a list of testimonials to the benefit and effectiveness of Keppra for other people that I compiled in my last ditch attempt to not kill myself, and it is quite honestly what I think convinced the doctor to let me try it. I still have this file that I would love for everyone to have if they want it. So, finally back to return the favor this site gave me, in that it kept me alive like a life boat until I simply got supremely lucky. If anyone is scared, just needs to talk, or are about to kill yourself, I will talk to you, any time, any place, about any thing. When I had HPPD, I was essentially schizophrenic, my sexual orientation mutated into a bysexual sort of thing that was so horrible I would hurt myself to try to feel manly again. I have no problem with any sexual orientation, but I was not gay before HPPD, but I did have the experience of being drawn sexualy to a man, imagining some form of sex with him, with my own father even (that is how merciless the disorder was), and then my former, actual self would sort of snap back into reality and it would literally feel like I had just been raped. It was like desiring to smash one's head into a brick wall, doing it, and then coming to consciousness as a person who did not like their head smashed into a brick wall. Trust me, I have been as low, pathetic, spat upon, disowned, a dissapointment, a disaster, a person who wrote "Happy Birthday" to himself on the dust of his TV screen because no one else was there. I have been, I truly believe, about as low as one can be before suicide. I say all this to encourage anyone to be absolutely not embarrassed in any way if they wish to talk about any sort of problem. I can provide you with philosophy to cope with HPPD, as I would have died much sooner if I had not derived some of these things. I can provide you with how to find/talk to a psychiatrist. I just really, really, desperately want to help ALL OF YOU. If I could hug you all and cry with you, I would, and if you came to my house, I would do that if you needed it. Again, I owe my life to this site. That's it. You can respond to this post if you want to get in touch with me. Also, my email is Locrian4@gmail.com. If you need help, let me know. -Hays
  8. As for taking other hallucinogens to test if they improve your symptoms, that is an extremely risky idea. It has some merit, as we simply know so little about HPPD, every bit of information helps. That being said. Don't take 4-HO-MET. It is very possible the 'decrease' in your symptoms is from the benzodiazapine alone. As to 5ht-tolerance, that is currently over my head, but from what I do know now, it doesn't seem to make sense to me. I could be wrong, however. But 5HT is a serotonin receptor, so that receptor being somehow put into a more tolerant state (I don't know what you mean by tolerant. More receptive to serotonin? Less receptive?) would not seem to make sense to me. I think you should keep coming up with hypotheses, but I absolutely have to encourage you to not do further hallucinogens. The affect of watching visual snow by watching static could be indeed a viable sort of technique. Or it could be completely placebo. Or it could be that you simply do not notice as much snow because you have beceom desensitized due to seeing so much of it on a TV. So at the least we have a new idea on how to combat visual snow. It's a good idea. But do NOT take the hallucinogen anymore. It is too much of a risk. If you were in some kind of completely controlled, completely clinical lab setting, and there was data to suggest the hallucinogen might aid in reversing HPPD, it would still be a huge risk, and probably unethical. It would probably never be approved in a clinical trial if it is illegal. So, that's it. Basically, my opinion is that further hallucinogen use should be avoided COMPLETELY by anyone with HPPD. There may be at some time a time and place to test different, potentially dangerous, chemicals on how they affect HPPD, but now is not the time. You take too huge a risk for too small a potential benefit. That's how I see it.
  9. From webMD: "Don’t use 5-HTP until more is known. 5-HTP might be UNSAFE." As far as making HPPD permanently worse, I have no idea. There are other medications to help with anxiety that are safe. You should take those if you can. Klonopin, xanax, valium, etc. I wouldn't take 5-HTP.
  10. David I need you to contact me immediately. I cannot send you messages on your profile page on this site, and know no other way to contact you privately. Contact me asap at Locrian4@gmail.com
  11. Hooooooooooooly shit. Thanks David. "YOU ARE MORE LIKELY TO CORRECTLY DIAGNOSE HPPD IN YOURSELF than receiving a correct diagnosis by a clinician." So true. My Harvard trained psychiatrist attempted to, while contradicting himself at times, tell me I did not have hppd. I will try to dig into these as much as I can, as I am taking a class on the neurological basis of learning and behavior, so this might be just barely what I can comprehend. You're a knight, man. I don't know if everyone realizes it, but you are.
  12. To Ludwig, yes a musician . I had no anxiety issues with Keppra, though I do believe for a few weeks after first taking it I experienced increased aggression, but it was minor. Broccoli, send me an email and I send the testimony file. My email is Locrian4@gmail.com
  13. I take 1500 mg of Keppra, 150 mg of Seroquel, and 200 mg of Lamictal. Seroquel is an anti-psychotic designed for usage for patients with schizophrenia and/or bipolar disorder. It is also a massive sedative, so it will damn near knock you unconscious when it takes effect, so you take it at night. If you have trouble going to sleep, this is a major benefit, though I suppose it would be considered a side-effect. It's also used in conjuction with other medications to aid in other areas, such as reduction in OCD or anxiety, etc. I actually have a post of the list I compiled on this website. I'll find it. I will send you the file.
  14. I know that for myself, I watched these forums for about a year and a half or more before I became a member. We need to make this place more welcoming to people who have HPPD. It is not that the forums are unwelcoming. I agree also that I think there is some degree of denial going on, as if to say "If I don't join HPPDonline, then I'm not one of them, I don't really have HPPD like they do." This, while so easily seen as foolish when written down, can be incredibly powerful in the subconscious, and I think really is hampering people from joining. The labeling effect, as its knowin in psychology, is a powerful phenomenon. I think what people have said about the more we post, the more it will encourage others to post is true as well. I also think the format of the website could use improvement. Perhaps we could create a tutorial of how to use the site. For example, the "Follow this topic" feature... I have no idea how to use. Perhaps I just click on it, but I haven't bothered yet, as I have so much studying to do I don't want another thing to learn, and I'd rather just mosey around the forums. I think this is innefficient though, obviously. But for a person with severe HPPD, this might be a very real probelm, because when I had bad HPPD, I literally might not have been able to figure it out, or it would have been a really huge task. Also, there might be some paranoid thought about privacy being an issue by joining the site. "What if my employer finds out... or my parents... or I leave the computer on and my landlord sees it or" I think we could use a tutorial. If I get time, I will work on one. And if there already is one, sorry for my ignorance.
  15. Yep. Pre-HPPD or minor HPPD. Stop where you are and count yourself lucky. You got to experience drugs. Now your time with them is over. It is time for a new chapter in your life. You will either stop the drugs completely, or regret permanent condition of potentially horrific symptoms the rest of your life. The intrusive thoughts you have (chopping people open, guts, gore, etc), I had those as well. I would catagorize this as an HPPD symptom as well. Cash your chips in and move on and enjoy the aspects of life you can only really enjoy with the absence of any and all drugs. I know that sounds hard, and even sounds crazy. I remember when I smoked weed every day all day that life without weed seemed crazy. Any huge lifestyle change is an enormous task. There are benefits and drawbacks of life with or without drugs. Hallucinogens can expand your consciousness, show you music in ways you will never experience again to the same degree (unless you strengthen your mind, which will allow you to notice more stimuli, and thus recapture some of that drug-like experience), etc etc etc, and those things are wonderful. But they also have this hell-side effect of HPPD. If you are getting HPPD, trust me, every single hallucinogen you try from this point on you will regret. Enormously. If you want to know how bad HPPD can get, you can read my introduction, or you can just ask me, and I will scare the fucking shit about you. You wanna know what it's like to live in a nightmare, a real nightmare, where you wimper at night in terror at shadows, I can tell you about them, and much much much much more. So, basically to sum up: there are positives and minuses to a life with hallucinogens, and positives and minuses to life without them. You now get to enjoy the second part. It is a different life, and, trust me, the rewards are great and wonderful in their own way.
  16. I've been struggling with tiredness myself. I take a lot of 5 hour energy, but I know it's basically terrible in some way I don't know of or care to know of. It sounds crazy, but when I get sleepy, I've just started going jumping jacks. Like about 20 of them. It works. Just keep doing them till you're awake. Pretty scientific isn't it.
  17. Another thing: Don't be afraid to tell your doctor "I don't want general anesthesia." They may actually want you to get general anesthesia because it would require a hospital room, and thus make the hospital money. So they might pressure you. I have to get something done next friday, and the doctor said, basically "We should do it at the hospital. They have a lab right there and we could get the results back quickly." I said, "But I don't want general anesthesia. Is there any way we could do it without." And he said, "Yes, we could do it right here. I could give you local anesthesia. And infact, the lab we have here is better than the one we have at the hospital." Money. Remember: the doctor works for you, not the other way around. You tell him how it's going to be when it comes to the choices that are up to you. Don't let them bully you.
  18. Glad it went well for you Emily. I read an article in Time magazine yesterday (the Feb 13 issue), that said a study found a correlation between young children (age 2 and younger) who had had multiple surgeries developing ADHD later in life more than children who had not had multiple operations. Now, it said they believed this has to do with the brain of a 2 year old not yet being wired completely, and that the anesthesia interfered with that growth, but still. I am still scared to get anesthesia, because who says my brain is not growing in a similar manner, where instead of initial growth, mine is rewiring and reparing? I have no clue if this is actually happening (though I do think it is) but still, it's scary. But, like David said, if you must have general anesthesia, there isn't really hard evidence yet either way that it will affect your HPPD or not.
  19. This is cool. I'm just now learning about this in my neurological basis for learning and behavior class. Schwann cells are the perpheral nervouse system's sort of 'body guard' cells, and when nerves are severed and damaged, they form basically a sheath that a severed axon can sprout and grow into, and thus regrow. The problem is, Shwann cells don't exist in the central nervous system, aka the brain and spinal cord. Astrocyte glial cells do their job. But instead of forming a sheath for damaged neurons to regrow axons through, they simply clean up the debris from the dead or dying cells, and then form scar tissue. However, it seems likely that eventually the mechanics of Shwann cells will be able to be reproduced in the brain. I saw the name forskolin in one of the books we read for class, but it was not a part we had to know, so I only glossed over it. I'll tell you this: the more I become aware of just how much is already known about the brain and how it works, the more hope I get. I feel that HPPD doesn't have a "cure," is not because one does not exist, but because almost no one knows about HPPD. I think the malfunctions that cause things like, say, Bipolar will be shown eventually to be the same cause for some component of HPPD symptom expression. So I think the cures are already out there; they will just be under the name of treating other disorders. So, basically, I don't even think you need to look that high in the sky for a cure, AKA gene therapy or other things of that nature. I think it is simply a process of proper diagnosis of what exactly is wrong with an HPPD brain, and then using already existing medications to fix it. I really think this.
  20. I hope it gets better for you, man. With time you will get better, but You gotta stop the weed. As soon as you can. I mean today if you can stand it. Weed is classified in the same catagory of drugs as LSD and shrooms. It is a hallucinogen, though most people don't group it up with those other drugs. So, you could very well be making your symptoms worse, perhaps long-term for all I know, by continuing to smoke weed. I think most likely it will mostly prevent your brain from being able to recover. There are pharmacutical drugs that can help you with anxiety and depression, and you should take those instead of weed to ease that pain. You should conceptualize smoking weed as popping a really, really small tab of DMT. So, I know it's hard, but you should consider quitting weed completely.
  21. You cannot get HPPD from a weight-loss drug. That is almost certain. Your problem is probably not HPPD. HPPD comes from doing drugs like LSD or taking mushrooms. If you haven't taken LSD (acid) or anything like that, I don't know what is wrong with you. Just tell your neurologist what your symptom is. He or she will know what to do. Feel free to ask anything else.
  22. Absolutely. And the other awesome thing is that, while there probably (I hate to say it) never be an Anti-HPPD drug, I think once it's properly diagnosed what the mechanisms associatied with HPPD are, the more we can use medications intended for other things to cure our aspects of HPPD. For example, Keppra is primarly an anti-epileptic medication. Later, they found it had beneficial effects on mood. So there will be improvement. Plus, we got David Kozin.
  23. I have a gigantic compilation of people's testimonies of the beneficial effects of Keppra. You can email me if you want that (Locrian4@gmail.com). It helped convince my doctor to prescribe me Keppra. Note: I believe the benefical effects I get from Keppra are attained in conjunction with Lamictal and Seroquel. I have no idea the pharmocologic interaction of these drugs, but I have a feeling it's not Keppra alone that's 'fixed' me. Unfortunately, I haven't had the courage/desire to stop Keppra, nor any other of the medications I take, to get a better idea of which drug is doing what, and if they are indeed interacting. Keppra saved my life. I suggest everyone try it at least for a while, if possible.