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Hallucinogen Persisting Perception Disorder (HPPD) Support Forum

0spryth0

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  1. Hello, I just made an account here. It's very bad. I wish I would be exaggerating but the amount of pain I am going through is unbelievable and I simply can't take it anymore. I have had mild HPPD for 2-3 years. It wasn't even that mild but I saw spiritual meaning in it and I actually enjoyed it. Well for the most part. Things got bad 8 months ago when I experienced a huge panic attack on LSD. I had Xanax and that drug literally saved my life that day. But next day I woke up feeling so anxious, hyperaware, it felt like the trip didn't even end. I ended up in the ER a couple days after that since it was either that or suicide. I got diagnosed with drug-induced psychosis and was put on antipsychotics, took them for a month or so and didn't see any improvements, only nasty side effects, so I stopped. Since then it got slightly better. Or at least I think. Well better in that I experience intense episodes less often, but when I do experience them they are as intense as they were on the first day and I simply can't take it anymore. I suffer from visual distortions but at this point it just annoys me and I learned to not pay attention to them. Problems I can't handle are DPDR, paranoia, anxiety, hyperawareness and such. I have irrational fears. I can't handle any amount of stress. I can't work. Luckily my parents are ok with me not working until I get better. Living feels like a punishment. I'm in actual hell. It can't be worse than this. I sleep with the lights on. I have nightmares. I wake up feeling paranoid. I'm so afraid, scared. I'm currently experiencing intense symptoms. I have days where I feel really good but no matter what eventually something triggers my symptoms and I'm left feeling like shit for days. Sometimes I take Xanax, 0.5mg, and it helps. Although when anxiety is really bad it's as if I don't even feel that dose. Sometimes I can go a month without taking it, somethings its 2 times a week. I'm being careful with it. I honestly don't know what to do anymore. When I started writing this my anxiety was over the roof, now I feel better. More relaxed. But It's impossible for me to relax "on will", nothing works. Meditation, breathing, rationally explaining myself that it's okay, nothing. I feel like I have no control at all sometimes. And I'm Antonio, M24. I'm pretty sure that I won't make it. It could take years till I get to a point where I'm able to simply take care of myself. But it's no wonder that I feel the way I do, I abused LSD soo much.
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