Stuckinhell

Hello, i dont really know where to start, its my first time posting something online, i always suffered with being on the outs, but this site gives me a strange feeling, a feeling of Hope, that someone has answers for my lifelong questions. Im 20, and my Last 2 years were, Hell, i was depressed since childhood, at the age of 8 i was hospitalized coz i was beating to bloods any kid, even bigger, older, and after that "cure" for my agresiveness i became a People pleaser. My mom told me that i was IQ tested, got 140(8yr.) But now, im the dumbest i could be, i think multiple viewpoints at once, when i talk to someone i can go forever without stopping, i dont understand anything anyone says to me, i percieve everything with the evil first, i feel primal. Always looking out for something unexpected, a lie a backstab, i can go Shopping and think my house could get robbed, i walk the Street and think like i Gotta watch my shadow so i can see if anyone walks close behind me to punch me or anything, i dont trust anyone, even my own mind, i became much spiritual, since hidden meanings are my suffer choice, but it doesnt help, what i found out on this site is everything i see, but please, someone, i need to feel im not alone in this. At age of 17 was my first suicide attempt I was smart, always best at school, started weed and all went Down, didnt even finish school. After that, i had over ten more tries and always survived, broken even more, since i was trying to drugkill myself Last year, i did something which changed me into this mess, i know, you can clearly see it in the way i type this post, a mess that goes on and on. I had a fight with my loved one, women always could bring the worst in my head when hate came. I wanted to kill myself so bad i snorted dissociatives, i was smoking weed, using lsd, extasy, shrooms, anything i could. I had a killdose, dont know how much it was, but like, imagine "a normal mdma line", i snorted like 10 lines of dissociatives and i know the Guy i got it from Said i should do like micrograms, few grains of it, no lines, otherwise i Die. I wanted that. After using it, my head started spinning so bad i had to sit on the floor, i was experinced, but this was something else. I heard screams in my head, so loud like it was really There, all those screams were dejavu, all, i had dejavu the whole dying process, i Felt every cell in my body raising in heat, Felt how blood moves inside the veins ever where, i Felt like someone gonna Split my skin and jump out, well.. I was awake for 3 days, 3 nights, slowly losing it, bearing the pain, wainting to Die, but i still didnt, i was so fucked i coudlnt even Fall asleep, i started drawing random things, good drawing, and i cant really draw, like someone else did it. I even wrote on the Back some deep shit. (i didnt remember them, found out later, i was confused and still am). After all that pain, suffering, i went to the hospital, because it was unbearable, and i didnt feel like it could axtually kill me anymore. I left the hospital after 2 days. They threatened They would lock me up and stuff, but a friend of mine in the hospital helped to get my paperwork accepted I went on with my life like nothing hapenned, i still smoke weed, dont do drugs anymore To this Day, i dont feel sane, im glad im alive, but im suicidal I feel lonely, but i hate People when im with them Im a compulsive talker and cant stop it even with knowledge of it I walk so wierd, i dont feel my body, since i wake up i feel no weight I dont feel physical pain, only my head can hurt I cant really see, i had bad vision all my life, but i see like nothing is solid, colors leak out into each other, everything is shaking all the time, things move closer and farther, up and Down, i often can start thinking, and i close my Eyes, and with thinking about it, i can see an image from behind myself in the air, like in a third person game. Sometimes i see Gray, with sparks, splitting lines and geometry, other days i see totally diferrent, like 500% more saturated, and im really Fast and physically strong those days, like a beast, im 50kg, i have no workout, but still, when this happens, i can do 10 pushups on one Hand, in a row, and i could do more, but my shoulder starts doing sounds.. After that, i feel like i popped 2 extasys(i know even how 4feel,did it.) Sometimes i can go on days without eating, i dont lose weight, dont feel hungry Im in an infinite trip, i cant get my mind to work, but my body desperately lives, everything that i experience, can be intetpretet as Hell. Im trying my Best to adapt, overcome, stay strong, with this defect, i can understand, see and feel things other cannot. But i cant manage to stay connected to the world. Im in my own, with all the Gates closed, i locked myself in with the choices i Made, and now i suffer permanently,. I know this post is a mess. I dont really know why im doing this I never got to get this throigh to anyone What i read about hddp, is like 1% of my experience, and i Hope, i find someone, who is the 1% too I would love to hear every opinion i can get I dont want compassion, People to be sorry and say nice things I want your absolute truth, how do you feel about my experience, what do you think, any Wild thought is accepted Thanks for Reading this.. Mess