I’ve had multiple clairvoyant experiences that were induced by marijuana. The first one happened after my first spiritual awakening / ego death. I thought I died, but as I got up and walked around, tons of information started flooding into my mind and I guess I came to the realization/conclusion that I was (of) God, it’s only the present, everything is much more connected than we realize, and that I as (first name, last name) really don’t exist as a definite THING.
So here’s where my problem lies:
Normal existing as a person is like sitting in the drivers seat of a car. The driver (the observing presence which you are) controls the car (your body). What I experienced was being a passenger in the car, observing what I, as the driver, was doing. Basically, I had to experience over a year of my life as the passenger with all sensory experiences and the ability to hear my own thoughts. Eventually this experience came to an end, and I woke up back in my body at the time and place where the experience began, this time as the driver again. I created memories while being the passenger, seeing what I would eventually experience as the driver. So now that I’m the driver, I constantly have things that are like deja vus but they’re different because I can remember “experiencing” them multiple times in the past during these clairvoyant experiences. No matter what I “choose” to do with my “free will”, recognition that this event is one of the millions of things that I experienced during the clairvoyant experience.
This is driving me crazy because I can’t do anything to stop it or calm it down. I feel like a robot with scripted actions and that everything is predetermined. This lack of perceived control is causing anger and anxiety with no where to put it. I can’t enjoy anything in life anymore because it feels like the 3rd, 4th, or 5th time I’ve had to experience it. Which leads me to my next point: I’m paranoid that my consciousness is stuck in a casual loop throughout the past couple of years and won’t ever be able to get out and “progress” forward in time where I can live normally again.
What the hell can I do? I need some sort of coping mechanism.
Also, I don’t smoke anymore. It’s been over a year since I have. I'm currently taking 100mg of Zoloft a day and increasing 25mg a week to deal with what my psychiatrist and therapist have diagnosed as OCD. I know it's more than that though because I can remember my agony and thoughts during the drug trips. I'm sure I have PTSD too because I've been emotionally flat for over 2 years.
Any help / advice?