Hi all, new to the forum. I used to love psychedelics, I started when I was 16, back in 94/95. We had good acid back then. I never really abused it, as it was hard to come by when extasy hit the streets, so I tripped on acid a dozen times in the mid 90's, before all sources disappeared. So I started to look for shrooms, but wasn't very succesfull. I had maybe 10 trips between 2000 and 2014. Up to that point, it was reasonable, although I messed with E a lot during thise years, some nights up to 20 pills..
Then came the darknet, I had finally a new lsd source. The first time I tripped on acid again, I went straight to the white light, at the center of the universe, speaking with God. Everything was fine, although I could never replicate the religious experience. I was in love with it, and I tripped every 2 or 3 months, I never really abused this substance.
All trips were fine, I ve never had a bad trip in my life, to this day.
Last NYE, I decided to take acid by myself, and I threw in a little amount of 1p-lsd... Didn't notice anything untill 2 weeks later. Trails. Palinopsia.
The symptoms I have decelopped since then are:
- trails
- blue entopic phenomenon
- strong anxiety
- staring into nothingness, like my eyes don't want to look at anything, like if my gaze would freeze, or zone out. That worries me a lot
- the worst: I feel I've lost my ability to feel. Things that once made me feel good or positive, like my favorite music, or painting, I used to paint... I cannot feel the rush in my head anymore. Like I'm numb and can only feel bad emotions. I do realize this could be depression, but somehow it feels more like it's linked to this whole hppd stuff.
I should add that I've been on xanax for ten years and have started to taper it down, because I was flirting with sometimes 3mg a day and didn't want to go higher, so there's no choice but going down. Am now at 1,70mg, and feeling quite awful.
I have many suicidal thoughts, like a lot. Many times everyday. I will turn 40 in 2 months and feel absolutely lost and misunderstood. In fact, everyday I think of taking my life before the birthday.
I have no kids, no gf, no job, no income, no projects and loads of other health issues, from crippling back and neck pain to 12 years of sound trauma induced tinnitus and hyperacusis...
I'm extremely tired of everything, but I promised my two dogs I'd take care of them untill the very end. So at least I got this.
I 've noticed that almost any drug aggravates the symptoms, especially opiates.
I'm going to try neurofeedback to get in touch with my emotions again but I'm very skeptical. Arite, that's enough for now. Thank you all for this forum. May we all find happiness again.
