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Hallucinogen Persisting Perception Disorder (HPPD) Support Forum


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About ditnu

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  1. Hi there, So I was at work a while ago, and my coworker showed me a book that was talking about various natural remedies etc etc. I was politely flicking through nodding as she was telling me about this as one does when they're not overly interested in something another person is interested in. However what did catch my eye was when it started talking about common ailments, and their causes. Some of you may have seen something very similar before, it was not the first time I had seen this. It would give literal, physical or social causes for medical problems. Some of them were completely bogus, some of them seemed a bit more legit. For example Aids was magically caused by 'x' (the answer might be feelings of isolation or like your life is falling apart, I can't actually remember). Often the illness was a physical manifestation of the 'cause' which was described usually as a mental or social problem - not as a scientific explaination (such as they had sex with the wrong person). Like I say, some caught my eye, others didn't. One that did catch my eye however was the explaination for tinitus. Apparently the cause for people getting tinitus is due to people being closed minded and unwilling to listen to the ideas and opinions of others. I'm not sure what I make of that, but it did resonate within me (gedd'it?). I thought about it a little, and then applied the same to HPPD. By the same rationale, the cause for HPPD (or perhaps other forms of blindness/visual impairment) are because people are being closed minded and unwilling to see the greater picture of things. I am quite spiritual myself, and I do believe in something far more, as I am sure many on here who've taken acid and fallen in love with it's sheer beauty will also be. The trip that gave me HPPD was an absolute trainwreck, where I took like 4x the most I'd ever taken in one go before that. It was really stupid and I was so naieve. Maybe it's possible I saw something, something big... Like God (although I have actually seen God in other situations while sober, once after getting a blessing from a monk that made me fully believe, due to me spending a small portion of that evening in heaven, I mean, literally, bliss. No me, no ego, no world, just bliss, I was it, it was me, like a water drop becoming part of the ocean, complete love, however this is a different subject) and have never been able to accept that in my waking life. It seems odd that one experience would terrify me, and another would liberate me. Anyway I'm curious what your thoughts are. Also worth mentioning: I don't cry, not properly, I haven't in years. I have PTSD and really struggle to feel anything, nevermind open myself up to the vulnerability that is crying. At one point my best friend died, and I was able to let out a small cry - a real one. When I did this my PTSD went away for like, half an hour (I felt confident and beautiful again), as did my HPPD, not long after it all came back and everything kinda sucked again, but it was definitely interesting both went away at once. This was 2.5 years ago now, since then I've been able to have a small emotional cry on 2 other occasions, and the same thing was true.
  2. Hi there, this is my first post here, and I'm a little sad to see such a large community of a 'rare' occurance that supposedly has no known cure. Please excuse the long post, I just had a lot I wanted to say and particularly get peoples opinions on about similar experiences if they've had any I really just wanted to ask if anybody has ever had any experience 'looking' at their hppd.. I once tried looking at the visual snow and I'm presuming is HPPD that I developed during (literally during, I remember it coming on) a trainwreck of an acid trip that I had brought on by trying to force open a traumatic experience that had given me PTSD (I had not yet realised that I had PTSD). I remember when I looked at it and focused, that the first time I tried this I felt quite nervous and shadowy figures appeared, I would best describe them as ghosts, though by no means am I saying they were ghosts. I seemed to maybe be able to interact with them a little, or maybe that was just my mind. Either way they went away when I stopped focusing. I had attempted this a few times since then, and a few months later I had been staying at a Hindu Ashram for a couple of weeks, and really been focusing on practicing meditation and working hard during the day outside of the temple. Every night I went to bed feeling pretty good and pretty with it, especially considering the PTSD, until one night ou I felt pretty anxious and a bit skittish. I was pretty cold in that cabin in the woods and the woodburner hadn't been on long, so I curled up into a ball under the blankets and just kinda hid in there for a bit. At this point for some reason I decided to start 'looking' at the visual snow, and kinda let it consume me, far more than I had when I'd seen ghostly figures... And suddenly I was right back where I was where my PTSD happened, and for the first time since the event I was able to 'see' myself. My body was completely naked, and it looked/felt like I had been hacked to bits by a machete. You know those pictures when you see stray dogs that had been SERIOUSLY abused, with no fur and massive scars, completely vulnerable, just shaking... It felt like that. The way my PTSD has manifested has been so I have avoided it, which means no flashbacks or anything, just minddarkness (so I can rarely visualise anything, especially not with clarity) and anxiety. As soon as I was able to comprehend how injured/damaged I was emotionally as sudden wave of physical anxiety smacked me and I went back to the way I was before. I've never broken through on DMT but I guess it felt like being shot backwards from the broken through state through the tunnel that people commonly describe suddenly into normality. I just thought that was really interesting, and it really gave me hope for the future, kinda knowing I'm still alive in there, even if I am seriously wounded. It's a place from which to heal. Has anybody ever had any experience with this or like that? I've never been able to reach that state again, I think through fear of knowing what's on the other end.... Also I'd also like to add two experiences when my HPPD went away. Both from crying, once when my best friend died suddenly... I have difficulty crying usually, but this time I did, especially for the first few days. After a while though I wasn't able to cry again, even though I needed to. I went onto facebook and sent him a message of all the things I wish I could have said and how much I loved him etc. And finally some tears managed to make their way through. I remember after I did suddenly everything was.. Normal again. I can't really describe PTSD to anybody who hasn't experienced it, but it feels like the difference between no fat milk and cream. Everything is empty, meaningless, emotionless, and there is absolutely no love. You exist only on baseline impulses, and fear has constant power over you, especially if you don't exercise/really look after yourself. When everything went normal, the HPPD more or less disappeared. I didn't notice it anyway. Interestingly when I first got it during the trainwreck I mentioned earlier, I remember looking at them freaking out as they were growing massively in number (beyond one or two floaters that every acid trip usually contained) I remember thinking to myself "what are these? oh god what are all these?" and a voice somewhere answered "they're tears". The second experience was much the same as the one I just described, where I cried and everything got better, including HPPD. Anyway sorry for the long post, I'd love to know if anyone's had any similar experiences. It seems pretty clear that in my case PTSD and HPPD are linked somehow, and I think I read somewhere else on here they affect the same part of the brain.. But I wonder then what this means for other people who only have HPPD? Stay well guys
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