Grant Howard

I did not take mdma all but once and wasn’t alive in the 90’s lol

Thank you Jay. I only use nicotine. Is that going to effect my recovery?

SO HEY GUYS, I’m new here and I’ll start with a bit of introduction before anything. my name is grant Howard, I’m from Wisconsin, I am 17 years old, and I have hppd, and had hppd since April 11th. After a terrible horrifying trip. I have very interesting symptoms that a lot of people here have also. Visual: Green and Purple Halos with weird period marks in them, looks like C’s with dots in them and they surround any light producing object, it’s distressing enough i have visual snow, not intense but it’s clearly there. I see rainbows on metal objects, and around lights. I have positive after images, they were negative before but they oddly enough changed to positive. Tracers, worse in the morning. Same with the visual snow, basically an acid tinge to my vision constantly. For mental effects: panic attacks due to the panic attack I had on lsd (or what I thought was lsd) derealization, and depersonalization depersonalizatiin more so than DR depression to the point of never leaving bed and having constant guilt because of my drug use in the past. Existential panic 24/7. I could see a car turn in my vision and turn that into a existential panic and start freaking out about my own existence. But what my realest issue with all of this is my mental, I use nicotine because if I don’t then my fuckin anxiety kills me and I panic for a week straight. Just tried to get off nicotine. And faces in my vision, but not my actual focused vision, (peripheral?) morph slightly. Eyes turn into eyes that are reminiscent to my past psychedelic experiences. I feel dissapointment in my life all the time because of my current situation and it’s been 9 months and I’ve improved slightly. Now ill talk about my overall experience that led to my HPPD so I took altoids, with 2 friends I was close with and one stranger, at the time I thought what we were taking was fake, but I just put it to the back of my mind and decided to take it because it was from a friend I’ve known since 6th grade and we were close. And I took it and became just engulfed in everything at like 45 minutes in, he said they were measured out at like 100-400ug because they originally were for a group of friends that he was going to drop with. So I could’ve taken 100-400ug that night. Which is not a good fucking thing at all. Either I took Nbombe or a fuckin dose I didn’t wanna take. (Hold it against him to this day because he told me that shit while I was tripping). Then I was at the park with my friends and ALL THE SUDDEN MY FRIEND TOLD MY OTHER FRIEND (Whom was his girlfriend at the time) to fuckin kill himself. So he runs off and shit, I get negative ass vibes from the shit, and I go and check on him, he tells me to go away and that he knows how to have a good experience by himself. And at this point I took acid like 7 times so I am not experienced like he was. And I go back to the field to my other friend at the time was, and all the sudden I see 1000 eyes in the grass staring at me, and I look back in panic and my friend is missing. And I gather my things and go and look for him. And fast. While I’m walking back to my friends house to get our phones my leg cramps, and I instantly thought it was vasoconstriction from taking an RC so then I shrugged it off for like 10 minutes. Once we got back to my friends house I see my friend that ran off, I said fuck, and then broke down, and I was having a straight panic attack. Nobody was helping me either. They were ignoring my bad trip. I was grabbing my neck skin, I was ripping my hair out, I thought I was going insane. I thought that going solo would help. So I went down stairs and tried to watch a psychedsubstance video on bad trips and it fucked me up more because I didn’t know what my phone was and shit. I just got fuckin scared of everything. I couldn’t pull myself out of it, it was constant panic for 6 hours. My friend takes benzos for her panic disorder and I asked for 3 and she refused. She said to ride it out and stop freaking out because it’s ruining her mood, so I just sat there with my mouth shut and internally panicked for the rest of the trip until I forced myself to go to sleep. About a week later I noticed I was fearful for no reason again. And noticed my vision was terrible. I thought I was gone for ever. Ive tripped 2 times since with hppd and had good times with my best friend Cole. Only with him though. And my ex girlfriend I had at the time. But everything rn is just kinda odd, I work a day job and stuff also. Tried ssri meds and I hate them. Shits sick. And I’ve smoked weed and had panic attacks at least 4 times over the past 9 months. I also have a psychologist and he is saying it’s in my head and we need to pull the memories out and weep them so I can heal. I think he is on to something for all of us also. I believe it is in the brain moreso than neurological. It’s like PTSD. I hope you made it this far. And if you did I am glad you read my story. I love you all my brothers and sisters. Give me a reply and help me out if you would please. Thank you.