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About Johan0987

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  1. I have a question. My visuals are now such shit that it even hurts my eyes and i cant focus my eyes anymore. Klonopin works to help calm the visuals. My thoughts were: if Klonopin works, will there be a good chance that Keppra or lamical works also? Becouse they are both anti-epileptics?
  2. Ok, another update. I completely lost it today. I went to work and the visuals were so intense that it drove me crazy. I was also so tired and had very bad brain fog, i couldn’t handle the day. On my way back home i thought about my situation and it made me extremely sad. At home i started crying (wich i haven’t done for years). I just can’t handle another day of this shit. I feel so lost and hopeless. I let myself down, see my parents suffering due to my situation, my life is ruïned and i don’t see a way to make it right anymore. I just hope that i can make it right again and get a second chance. I was on my way but i messed up. Are there any people here who relapsed this bad and made it right again? I called my GP today and explained that my situation is unbearable. I can’t control myself to stay calm or at least try to enjoy the things i do. I get confronted every second of the day and for that reason i can’t stop thinking about all the shit thats going on in my life. My GP decided to send me to a psychiatrist with emergeny. I hope that will help me, maybe with some meds to calm down the symptoms so i can make it through the day again. And then try to make things right again What meds can be helpful? I don’t want to get on SSRI’s because i think it’s gonna make me trip even more. I need something that calms down my brain. Personally i’m thinking: - keppra / lamical worth a shot? - benzo’s maybe klonopin? - anything else that can be helpful to help me through this?
  3. It's almost 2 weeks ago since i've posted my last post here. I want to give an update so i can tell my story and maybe you will find it interesting regarding my pretty desperate openingspost. Well, i'm doing a little bit better since the worsening. When i got the HPPD "attack" i lost myself completely. I just couldn't recognize myself in the way i was thinking and how i was behaving. I had very bad cognitive issues, my visuals were worse than they've ever been. Like said before, i felt like a zombie. I'm still having a very hard time at the moment but also i'm doing a little bit better. Things i've done to help myself right now: - Taking clonidine 3 times a day like my doc prescribed me. It helps a lot for anxiety, panic and helps me cope overall. The visuals are still the same with clonidine. - Taking melatonin at night so i fall asleep directly when i'm in bed. This helps so i don't think about it when trying to sleep so at least i can have a good night of sleep. I start to notice that it maybe makes my visuals worse. I'm still undecided if i will take this any longer, because without it i just can't sleep right now. - Taking some walks in nature with a friend, and afterwards we will have some lunch at a restaurant. This makes me feel better and more relaxed. - Take a lot of rest - I have worked for 3 hours yesterday. I think it worked out pretty well. I felt more "normal" during the time i was working. Although any longer than 3 hours was too much to handle for me right now. But i will see this positively because it is a small step forward. - Trying to live as normal as possible. This is very hard but i think this is a very important factor in the recovery / coping process. I just came back from a restaurant with my family and i had a good time without suffering too much, so that's also a good thing. - Talking to my GP and psychotherapist about this all. I maybe will see a psychiatrist in a few weeks so i have a little hope, but when i think more realistic, i don't think he can help me either. I don't think i want to go on heavy meds (like SSRI or lamotrigine, too scared that they will fuck me up even more, or the withdrawal will fuck me up). Some docs want me to go on SSRI's. Maybe it will help, but i've had an negative experience with L-tryptophan (made HPPD worse and was acting weird on that), so i'm scared that it will make things worse. Improvements: - Anxiety / panic is gone (i think due to the meds) - Cognitive issues are a bit better - A little bit more energy - I can handle everyday life a bit better now These are the good things, i try to focus on that but mentally i'm pretty fucked up. Things are just not looking good for me right now so i noticed i'm getting pretty depressed (with sometimes suïcidal thoughts) in the past few weeks. I just can't see the good things in my life anymore. It's a constant battle that lasts for a year now and i'm done fighting. Nothing seems to really help to improve my condition, and just when i thought i was recovered pretty good, my HPPD gets worse than it's ever been. My motivation to go on is pretty much gone. I really can use some positive news but that doesn't seem to happen. So that's pretty much it for now. Some very little improvements but in the big picture it just sucks... P.S. Oh, and the antibiotics didn’t seen to make it worse!
  4. Thnx for the reply. Well i obviously have to recover somewhat because right now i just can’t be productive. And i know that’s possible because i did it before. The only thing i’m really worried about is my vision, if this doesn’t go back to how it was a few weeks ago then i’m having a BIG problem. A full recovery would be great but i’m not expecting that. I just want to be stable and be ready to go on with my life. I hope that this spike will go, because a few weeks ago i was doing pretty good and i was working 2 days a week. Right now i can’t even think about going to work. Everything seems different now. I realised that with everything i do or put into my body i have to check how it affects me. Maybe if i can find some patterns and adjust to these then my symptoms will calm down again to the way it was.
  5. Thnx for the reply’s. I just took my 2nd amoxicilline and i did notice that i got some more symptoms that i didn’t experience before but thats also what happened the past week without the antibiotics so it’s hard to tell. My finger really hurts so for now i will continue and if things will become unbearable i will call my doctor. I also plan on stopping the clonidine as i think it makes my visuals worse and i want them to get less, and i don’t want 3 different types of meds in my system haha. I hope i can manage it without the med. If not, then i have some good old benzo’s but i dont’t want to take them too often and risk getting dependent. Melatonin for sleep seems to work good for now.
  6. Thnx for the response. I will defenitely see in whats ways i can let my body heal naturally. And i know that it will take a lot of time. It took me a year to recover somewhat and i could live a little bit. Now it’s back and a lot worse than a year ago. Right now i’m just very frustrated because i’m more fucked up than i’ve ever been (and didn’t know that this condition could get so bad without doing more drugs). My vision is such shit that i can’t relax and watch TV anymore and driving a car (at night) is very hard right now. Also i don’t have the energy to do anything and if i do too much than my condition gets even worse. I can’t think straight anymore so i can’t make the right decisions about my further threatment. My dad has to make these decisions for me. My sleeping patterns are also completely gone. I have to force my body into sleep with melatonin and sometimes a benzo. It just completely sucks right now but i guess i have to find a way to deal with that. Well i’m very unstable at the moment but right now i would never kill myself (although i’ve had some suicidal thoughts in the past week). I defenitely want to go on some meds if they can help me get through this (i’m already on Clonidine wich helps to stay calm and feel a bit more “normal”). One more question. Since you know really whell wich substances can make this condition worse: do you know if antibiotics can make my condition worse? I think i’m gonna need them for my finger but i’m scared as hell that it will bring me even further into this shit and i defenitely can’t handle that.
  7. Hi Jay, Thnx for the reply. Ok i’m gonna convince myself that this spike will go, although i can’t believe it because it’s worse than it’s even been. My doctor told me also that it is temporarily. I guess i got to have more faith that everything will turn out better, but thats very hard after everything that happened to me and all the setbacks i had. I just came back from a 5km hike with a friend in the woods. Although i felt like a zombie (due to my cognitive issues right now) and the visuals were very hard to ignore, it did make me feel better. So i think thats what i have to do, stay active but with things that relax me and don’t give me stress. Hopefully some meds can help me (at least to prevent me from losing it). And then slowly try to take some small steps to get my life back together over the next couple of months.
  8. Hi KB, Thnx for the reply and advice. How u doing now? The last year i was doing everything to try to let it heal naturally. I eat healthy, started fitnessing, quit smoking and took it easy on myself to avoid too much stress and burning out again. Also i stopped drinking alcohol and cafeïne. I did meditate but not everyday. Now i’m planning to do a bodyscan at least 2 times a day. Everyone keeps telling me that it will get better, but it seems like with me it only gets worse no matter what i do. At the moment i lost motivation to go on. I think eventually that will come back but at the moment i’m having a very hard time. What are good things to do to get through this? The things i’m thinking about doing: - taking it very easy and take a lot of rest, only do the basic stuff every day (like showering, eating, workout, taking some walks, meditate, maybe find a hobby or buy a pet. More than doing things like that is too much to handle for my brain right now. - try to accept the situation right now and try to move on with the steps above. This is going to be hard but maybe eventually i will be able to. - my therapy sessions are over but there is another route i’m going into. They want to see if there are any meds that can control my symptoms to at least stay stable or maybe calm them down a little bit. Do you have any experience with that? Maybe later on i will go back on therapy to do an acceptance and commitment training. - talk to other people about it. Last week i told my parents about HPPD and i thought they were going to get angry, but they didn’t and i think they are supporting me. Also i did see a friend who i told everything that happened the last week, he also supported me. - right now i’m taking a multivitamine and fish oil every day. Don’t know if it will work but it doesn’t have any negative effects so i will try this a few months. - also i’m taking Clonidine. My doctor said that it can help. At least it helps me to stay calm and it helps for the head pressures and brain zaps. The visuals are still the same or even a bit worse but i don’t know if thats due to the Clonidine. Sometimes i add an oxazepam to help me sleep. - something else that can help? The thing that’s killing me mentally, is not knowing how this will end. Will i be doing better in a year? Will i be able to have a job? Or will i be dead becouse i couldn’t handle it no more? (OK right now i will never do that becouse of family and the hope that i eventually will find a way of living with it). I’m trying not to think about this all but it’s very hard. Thanks for the support! That helps alot.
  9. Hi Guys, Ive got HPPD since 2015. At first it wasn’t that big of a deal. I noticed some visual snow and that was all about it (and some chronic fatigue, but i could function with it). Later on it got worse. I was burned out due to work and that triggered the HPPD to get worse. I became very tired and got head pressures and brain zaps when sleeping. also anxiety became an issue and i was very tired, my brain shut itself down. Then i thought, OK, that can happen. I’m gonna work on recovery and go on with my life. All winter i felt like shit but i managed to get through it and in the summer i was doing better en could work a few days in the week. I remember myself thinking, OK i can make a pretty good recovery. Last week things got A LOT worse (and i don’t know what triggered it). I felt like i was in a trip again and since then my symptoms got very bad, worse than they’ve ever been. Visual snow is a lot worse (at first it didn’t bother me). I got way more heavy afterimages, halo’s and trails wich i never experienced before. Head pressure and brain zaps are very bad. Cognitive issues are really bad. Sometimes i feel like i’m on a boat (moving while im actually nog moving). I now also know what dp/dr is like. It’s just living in hell right now. Well i can better call it survival instead of living. The only thing that keeps me from freaking out is the clonidine and oxazepam wich i got prescribed. Bloody hell is this shit ever gonna stop? Just when i was thinking i was nearly recovered (witch took me a year) this happens. I don’t know what to do but i can’t handle this much longer. I’m thinking that i blew my only chance to recovery. The only hope i have, is that i got an appointment with a doctor who can prescribe me some meds that can help me deal with this, becouse without meds i can’t. Right now i think my life is over how can i ever have a decent life like this? is there anyone with a similar experience who can give me some advice?