justhere

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About justhere

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  1. Hi, I would just like to list my symptoms of what I think is dp and some others No sense of self-no spontaneous sense of “me-ness” No internal monologue-blank mind No feeling of time passing or at the very least diminished Random memories dreams and childhood memories come unbidden-I can also just “think them” I can talk about my life but it feels like I am just reading. No felt sense of chronology. Interests and opinions similar to above Sometimes new places, people will spontaneously conjure memories of similar areas/people. I’ve been walking and see a stranger and will mistake them for a second with someone I met-sometimes an aquaintance from way in the past Can make eyes wider. Top lids go higher than normal. Increased pareidolia High def colors-especially outdoors Certain objects seem to have a kind of surreal presence. Maybe related to pareidolia I used to get the heightened pareidolia upon waking sometimes. Like if I awake to a pile of clothes etc. I’ve also woken up to that blankness. I panic and the unreality feeling starts. My whole life feels fake. It usually goes away in minutes. yet this where I am now. I woke to it and it’s like I’m stuck there. Upon drifting my inner voice would sometimes splinter into nonsense chattering. Sometimes I’d come to with a feeling of where was I? This was always benign. Honestly I am not sure if I can live like this indefinitely. I am afraid I’ve accidentally ruined my mind for good. on that happy note thanks for reading
  2. I’ve had constant dp/dr for two months after both taking an ssri (one I had taken before with no issue) and worrying about my visuals getting worse from the eclipse (they were in fact changing a bit cause of the ssri I presume). I tried moving, I worked full time. Now I am back with my folks and I don’t know how I’m gonna work. If this dp is truly an anxiety response/defense mechanism to the hppd (which I’ve been cool with for a whole 6 years) I am confident I can slip out of it. If it’s permanent no matter what I do. I don’t know how to go on. How can I get married? How can I do anything. I’m so lost.
  3. Thanks. It just seems so frustratingly odd...I developed HPPD almost six years ago to the date. At the beginning I was beside myself in terror-but I was prescribed abilify and an ssri I can't remember and started to habituate. To be honest-maybe the rx at the time did nothing but since I had no dp/dr I just accepted my new normal. I stay on ssri off and on (for long stretches) over the years with no changes and even some anxiety relief. I go off Paxil in February as I feel I no longer need it. Summer was beyond stressful so I decide, quite begrudgingly to go on the 10 mg Paxil again. It's almost like I downregulated too many 5ht2a receptors and now my baseline is this dp state for good. Odd I've often gotten this after falling asleep at least three other times. This time it stuck and I don't know why. Well that's my sob story folks. End.
  4. DP still going strong. I had no idea an ssri, one that I had taken only half a year ago with no problems, could do this. If I view the DP as a symptom of anxiety/stress (I have been diagnosed with Pure O OCD) I feel like I can cope and work towards recovery. If the pill permanently put me in this state I don't know what to do. I have experienced episodic bouts of DP in the past-but never long lasting. I could care less about visuals etc. I've had that all for years and can basically tune it out. Ironically before I took the SSRI-I was worried about HPPD getting worse and kept monitoring my environment to check. This is one big clusterfuck. If it weren't for my undying sense humor I'd be lost. Thanks for all the replies BTW-good to reach out.
  5. I really appreciate the advice. Right now the worse part is the dp/dr-I can remember my life but it's like I have no relationship to it. It all feels fake. I've only experienced this during panic attacks and now it's been 24/7. It all feels unreal.
  6. Let me be more specific. I developed hppd six years ago. Visual snow, mostly at night or staring a blank walls, CEVs, car lights were blurry, floaters. I think it came on a few months after my one, pretty stressful, lsd trip. At first I was terriefied but in weeks I came to accept it and didn't notice it (I know I'm repeating myself) it never really went away all these years but I hardly noticed it and even embraced it through song writing. This Sunday I took an ssri I have taken before and four hours later felt "off" quite like a depersonalized state I've experienced a few times during panic attacks. I had also been worrying about my HPPD by looking at the eclipse (even though of course I wore the proper protective glasses) immediately after looking for three seconds I felt like one eye felt funny and kept checking if the static was more pronounced, constantly questioning my environment if it looked "right" (my baseline). I did this Tuesday as well and then took my second 10 mg Paxil (as I've taken them before). The next day, Wednesday, I kept checking my environment and it did seem a little trippier. I started feeling a little dreamy and tried to come down and tried to get to bed early only to wake at 2 from a horrible dream-my legs were shaking and I vomited. Thursday I woke up with an ache where my skull meets my neck and a fullness in my head and my eyes more sensitive to light (nausea now). I also felt drugged of in a constant dream state. Now three days later I'm still there: neck ache has as of now subsided but all my memories and prior life feel like a dream. People seem real still but nothing has any meaning and I can't feel anything and have to "fake it". Music does nothing, jokes etc. I'm working on acceptance and also adopting a healthy active lifestyle but the lack of affect and feeling like I have no self is horrifying. I just want to know if this has ever happened to any of you and if it has ever subsided and you felt like your old self (or at least resonated with your old life story) thanks for for the support truly
  7. I'm just afraid that the 10 mg Ssri permenantly made my hppd worse after 6 years of being fine with it. I took it Sunday and Tuesday and I have taken them before in my life (after hppd) with no, seeming, issues. I've never had dp/dr this long.
  8. Thanks for your suggestion. I guess my anxiety about the eclipse (and then trying to see if my vision was altered) + the ssri really did a number. I woke up today feeling intensely "altered" and still feel it and usually it goes away. I didn't think an ssri would have a reaction so quickly. I'm gonna keep on keeping on as they say and report back if anything changes. Thanks again
  9. Hi, I don't really know how to start. Here goes nothin'. I developed HPPD after an incredibly intense LSD trip in fall 2011. It was the first and last time I had ever done acid. If my memory serves me correctly I didn't notice the symptoms, such as bright road signs trailing a bit at night, until a few months later. I was 21. Pretty soon I had a lot of panic attacks and found it difficult to get to sleep (just like the night I thought I'd never come down from acid). I had lost the ability to hold an image in my head in kind of a stable manner-they just wiz around like little 'movies'. I saw visual snow and developed floaters as well. dp/dr didn't seem to happen often but it did occasionally. I don't remember how I coped (besides reading that Wikihow article) but in a matter of time I felt fine again and was able to accept the visual distortions. In fact I've gone years (or at least a span of many many months) without even thinking about HPPD. Until now. All of the sudden I am experiencing intense dp/dr and daytime visual noise seems more noticeable-not to mention looking at a computer screen feels a bit 'different' (lazy word choice I know). What I think triggered all of this is I had been worrying about viewing the eclipse, afraid even with the glasses it could someone make my vision worse. I even remember Sunday thinking I shouldn't look at all just in case. Well I looked and then I immediately checked and of course now I've had a very intense week. I am afraid looking at the eclipse permanently made my HPPD worse. Some stress factors: I am moving in two days moving into a room in a new city and starting a new job and that's certainly anxiety inducing for me. Other notes: I started an ssri on Sunday and felt 'off' and I know it's the dp/dr feeling but it went away. I just wanted to put myself out there and see if anyone has any advice or words of encouragement. I don't do any recreational drugs tho I have been a weekend drinker for years-I'm currently cutting everything out. Thanks