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About justhere

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  1. Hi , Thanks I have both an eeg (which of course is as good as nothing in this case) and an MRI (also normal). To be honest it’s hard to gauge where I am at the moment as far as how dp’d I am. The modafinil definitely caused me panic/hyper awareness but as I calmed down-I realized I could still work and socialize almost just as well as I could before. Maybe the initial heaviness in my legs (day when I run) is me being more grounded in a body I’ve been “out of” for almost seven months. I don’t feel that trippy feeling as strongly unless I focus on it. My cognition is shit and has been since the HPPD and as for the “timeless” feeling-well since the ssri flare up I had to force myself into a strict schedule-when things were mild my life was a bit more fly by night. The feeling less “locked in” also happened on Sinemet and also gave me the body coordination stuff but it also gave me this warm feelings to be annoyingly vague. I don’t know where I am on the spectrum or how far away I am from my baseline (past still seems fake) but as of now I’m doing okay. Maybe forcing my interests is taking me out of them. thanks for your replies and advice
  2. I have more of s difficult time say buttoning my shirt or even opening a zip bloc bag. It’s like my fine motor skills have gone down quite a bit along with slight depth perception issues. Honestly I felt pretty good on Sinemet but Inhad similar issues so I had to stop. My balance also feels wonky.
  3. Hi all, ill keep this short as I tend to praddle on... I am having a hard time distinguishing what day of the week it is, what time of day, and my cognition is almost non existent. I also suddenly have poor coordination and my arms and hands feel at times like lead. I don’t understand the world completely. in order to continue trying different treatments I have to work so I can stay with my folks. I am currently employed but am worried I won’t be able to maintain my job. I have to be able to have a basic mental map-a sense of sequencing. Yet I’ve, as of now, lost that ability. It’s like I am not “locked in” to my day. I know these things take time just any advice would be very much appreciated if you’ve ever dealt with such symptoms. thanks a million
  4. 1 tab of LSD about six years ago. A few weeks after I started noticing some light geometric patterns on the wall and at night road signs would ghost a bit but I thought nothing of it. A few months after that I took one ssri in the afternoon (for ocd) and later that night when I went to bed I woke up with this panic as if I was on something. My first thought was serotonin syndrome but that doesn’t make any sense with one pill. I eventually calmed down and felt normal. Maybe some months after that I remember closing my eyes and seeing a star and thinking that was strange. Then I realized I could not hold a visual image still in my mind like on the trip. Also certain objects looked like they had personalities almost (even though logically I knew this was an illusion). I also got the childhood memory mind pops often before sleep. The getting tripped out by objects and mind pops faded but the typical visual noise, cognitive fog and after images stayed. I was upset at first but things were mild and I actually found my semi psychedelic mind quite charming. I was ssris for OCD over the years after the HPPD and no issues what so ever. I experienced DP only upon waking from naps or rarely from bed. Maybe three times in four years. I also would lucid dream effortlessly only during naps. All in all I had a happy life. Until last August after that one ssri and then, as stated, I woke up and the DP stayed.
  5. Ps: was just recently prescribed klonopin but I’ve been using it sparingly. All I want the ability to enjoy a fucking television show.
  6. Hi, thanks for your reply...I did cut the dose in half but alas that was too much. I read a post on tapatalk recommending modafinil for reducing dp/dr (as it’s been linked to high theta and I also get flashes of old dreams and memories all the time) I also got the idea reading an old post by former member Onedayillsailagain about how it helped his dp a bit. I had mild hppd for about six years. Back in August I had taken a low dose of an SSRI (I had been on years before with no issue) -went to bed and woke fully depersonalized. I had been planning on moving and proceeded to move anyway and tried to make it work but reluctantly had to go back and live with my folks after a month. I feared I had permanently worsened my formerly mild condition but got some assurance that ssri may of just spiked me for a while. I hope this even worse modafinil spike goes down as I don’t think I will be able to function at this level for long period. Yikes
  7. Hi folks, well after about 6 months of riding out an ssri spike I had managed to be able to cope with my new dp/dr symptoms. I could enjoy music, do the odd Netflix “ binge watch” and, crucially, start to think I could maybe move out of my folks house in a few months. Unfortunately moving out for me was conditional-I did not want to live in a lily white retirement gated community working fast food (I’m 27) with my folks but I did not want to go and bring the dp out into my new life either. I thought not cure but improvement. I got massively into cardio and eating right. Though I also tried Keppra, Lamotrigine and Sinemet with Sinemet seeming to help the most and I was not on Lamictal near long enough to evaluate. I had also set up some neurofeedback appointments that are upcoming. i am wary to just put any old pill into my mouth-but I had read some promising anecdotes from some HPPDeers on success reducing dp/dr using Modafinil. So I figured how about I try something that may improve me just a bit more so I can get off of Planet flipping burgers And living with folks. I don’t know if Modafinil spiked my anxiety which sent my dp/dr into overdrive but it’s been hell. I no longer have any sense of time-my cognition and ability to plan is all but gone. Coordination is noticeably worse. I can’t ignore my “alien” voice like I used to be able to, my coordination is horrible and I can’t get carried away by a good book or film. That’s all out the window as of now. I’ve tried forcing these activities but it’s like words and images just fall into my eyes and I either don’t care or can’t follow. If I can’t hold together this, as of last week, job so easy a monkey with a spatula could do it my folks will be showing me the door. To quote Gilbert O’Sullivan ”Such is life or so they say” Any advice would be much appreciated. Be well
  8. Hi, I would just like to list my symptoms of what I think is dp and some others No sense of self-no spontaneous sense of “me-ness” No internal monologue-blank mind No feeling of time passing or at the very least diminished Random memories dreams and childhood memories come unbidden-I can also just “think them” I can talk about my life but it feels like I am just reading. No felt sense of chronology. Interests and opinions similar to above Sometimes new places, people will spontaneously conjure memories of similar areas/people. I’ve been walking and see a stranger and will mistake them for a second with someone I met-sometimes an aquaintance from way in the past Can make eyes wider. Top lids go higher than normal. Increased pareidolia High def colors-especially outdoors Certain objects seem to have a kind of surreal presence. Maybe related to pareidolia I used to get the heightened pareidolia upon waking sometimes. Like if I awake to a pile of clothes etc. I’ve also woken up to that blankness. I panic and the unreality feeling starts. My whole life feels fake. It usually goes away in minutes. yet this where I am now. I woke to it and it’s like I’m stuck there. Upon drifting my inner voice would sometimes splinter into nonsense chattering. Sometimes I’d come to with a feeling of where was I? This was always benign. Honestly I am not sure if I can live like this indefinitely. I am afraid I’ve accidentally ruined my mind for good. on that happy note thanks for reading
  9. I’ve had constant dp/dr for two months after both taking an ssri (one I had taken before with no issue) and worrying about my visuals getting worse from the eclipse (they were in fact changing a bit cause of the ssri I presume). I tried moving, I worked full time. Now I am back with my folks and I don’t know how I’m gonna work. If this dp is truly an anxiety response/defense mechanism to the hppd (which I’ve been cool with for a whole 6 years) I am confident I can slip out of it. If it’s permanent no matter what I do. I don’t know how to go on. How can I get married? How can I do anything. I’m so lost.
  10. Thanks. It just seems so frustratingly odd...I developed HPPD almost six years ago to the date. At the beginning I was beside myself in terror-but I was prescribed abilify and an ssri I can't remember and started to habituate. To be honest-maybe the rx at the time did nothing but since I had no dp/dr I just accepted my new normal. I stay on ssri off and on (for long stretches) over the years with no changes and even some anxiety relief. I go off Paxil in February as I feel I no longer need it. Summer was beyond stressful so I decide, quite begrudgingly to go on the 10 mg Paxil again. It's almost like I downregulated too many 5ht2a receptors and now my baseline is this dp state for good. Odd I've often gotten this after falling asleep at least three other times. This time it stuck and I don't know why. Well that's my sob story folks. End.
  11. DP still going strong. I had no idea an ssri, one that I had taken only half a year ago with no problems, could do this. If I view the DP as a symptom of anxiety/stress (I have been diagnosed with Pure O OCD) I feel like I can cope and work towards recovery. If the pill permanently put me in this state I don't know what to do. I have experienced episodic bouts of DP in the past-but never long lasting. I could care less about visuals etc. I've had that all for years and can basically tune it out. Ironically before I took the SSRI-I was worried about HPPD getting worse and kept monitoring my environment to check. This is one big clusterfuck. If it weren't for my undying sense humor I'd be lost. Thanks for all the replies BTW-good to reach out.
  12. I really appreciate the advice. Right now the worse part is the dp/dr-I can remember my life but it's like I have no relationship to it. It all feels fake. I've only experienced this during panic attacks and now it's been 24/7. It all feels unreal.
  13. Let me be more specific. I developed hppd six years ago. Visual snow, mostly at night or staring a blank walls, CEVs, car lights were blurry, floaters. I think it came on a few months after my one, pretty stressful, lsd trip. At first I was terriefied but in weeks I came to accept it and didn't notice it (I know I'm repeating myself) it never really went away all these years but I hardly noticed it and even embraced it through song writing. This Sunday I took an ssri I have taken before and four hours later felt "off" quite like a depersonalized state I've experienced a few times during panic attacks. I had also been worrying about my HPPD by looking at the eclipse (even though of course I wore the proper protective glasses) immediately after looking for three seconds I felt like one eye felt funny and kept checking if the static was more pronounced, constantly questioning my environment if it looked "right" (my baseline). I did this Tuesday as well and then took my second 10 mg Paxil (as I've taken them before). The next day, Wednesday, I kept checking my environment and it did seem a little trippier. I started feeling a little dreamy and tried to come down and tried to get to bed early only to wake at 2 from a horrible dream-my legs were shaking and I vomited. Thursday I woke up with an ache where my skull meets my neck and a fullness in my head and my eyes more sensitive to light (nausea now). I also felt drugged of in a constant dream state. Now three days later I'm still there: neck ache has as of now subsided but all my memories and prior life feel like a dream. People seem real still but nothing has any meaning and I can't feel anything and have to "fake it". Music does nothing, jokes etc. I'm working on acceptance and also adopting a healthy active lifestyle but the lack of affect and feeling like I have no self is horrifying. I just want to know if this has ever happened to any of you and if it has ever subsided and you felt like your old self (or at least resonated with your old life story) thanks for for the support truly
  14. I'm just afraid that the 10 mg Ssri permenantly made my hppd worse after 6 years of being fine with it. I took it Sunday and Tuesday and I have taken them before in my life (after hppd) with no, seeming, issues. I've never had dp/dr this long.