NotMyself

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About NotMyself

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  1. Don't worry, i can see how my post could be interpreted that way when i mentioned hanging out in bars and having drinks and not being able to indulge in those things. I should've been more clear on what I meant to say. It's true that just because people seem normal doesn't mean they aren't dealing with their own struggles. I myself was like that during many points in my life, smiling and acting hyper on the outside but on the inside I couldn't have been more unhappy. With where I am at now, it seems that all those times before dealing with boredom, depression, and other things seems like they're rainbows and sunshine compared to what dp/dr/hppd symptoms can put you through. I don't mean to put it on top of the pedestal of the worse things you can go through but the uncertainty of it all makes it really hard to endure. The psychological/mental chaos and anguish causes me to get completely lost in the middle of it that most times I forget that it's caused by dp/dr/hppd and becomes convince by it.
  2. I should have been more clear, I don't mean that I wish I was functioning normally so I could go out and get hammered and do more drugs. What I wanted to imply was that being able to do those things means life ain't such a struggle and you're not in a place mentally where the thought of dp/dr/hppd even cross you're mind. If I could regain my sense of self and get my sober mind back, getting hammered wouldn't even be on the list of 100 things that I would wanna do much less try mind altering drugs again. It's just I somewhat envy those people because they are normal enough to be able to do those things and take life for granted. Hope you get my point!
  3. Anyone else feel a jab of emotional pain when thinking of certain memories before dp/dr/hppd or watching people enjoy life, hanging out in bars, having drinks, and thinking to yourself you can no longer indulge in those little things that provides a short reprieve from life's hurdles? It feels like I've always dealt with dp/dr/hppd until i look back and realized it's only been less than a year. I can't seem to think about the pleasant memories I had being a college student, going on trips with friends, dealing with trivial things, etc, without a jab of emotional/psychological pain because it was not long ago you were fine and then it just completely flipped upside down and you no longer have a life and is mentally removed from everything. It's painful because it's unimaginable that life could ever end up like this, like a giant car wreck where you're just enjoying the drive while listening to music, and then BOOM, you wake up in the hospital and finds out you're paralyzed from the waste down and will never walk again in your entire life. It's not like some bad, self-destructive habits where you steadily go downhill and after a year or two you realize you're life is a giant mess. I don't mean to be pessimistic and I hate to sound like I'm saying "life's never gonna be great again" or "things are never gonna change for the better". It's just things has been going further downhill recently. I can't comprehend what is happening to my mind anymore, a lot of people can write about their symptom, whatever it may be, but my mind is so wrecked it can't comprehend and put into scale how wrecked it is. Many times it gets to the point where it's pure chaos, if it doesn't stop, I fear I'm gonna end up in a mental hospital. I can't even write this short post without feeling completely frustrated because my mind can't seem to work out and think of how I should write in order to express myself in the most clear way. Anyway, I'm near the brink of my frustration so I'll conclude this post since it has been an hour and a half since I started (didn't take breaks) and only manage to write barely two paragraphs. Peace!
  4. Thanks for all of your encouraging replies. I think one of the worse things out of all this is the lack of mental coordination and stability and truly not feeling like a human being anymore. I feel like some other entity/alien and sometimes animalistic in a way. I don't have a grasp on what's going on in my head and uncertain of what reality is. I have strange head and mental sensation that I don't know how to describe. I can't even escape in my dreams because the loss of ego is so severe that I don't even have a sense of who I am or awareness while in a dream so I wake up and instantly forget what I dreamt about. Last night I had a pretty bad nightmare about abusing my 4 years old little brother and setting a building on fire and the only reason I remembered it is because the dream about me abusing my little brother caused me a lot of emotional and psychological turmoil. Reading is hard now not because of words moving around or blurry but because my mind can't process what I'm reading that well because of mixing up words and meanings are uncertain. I also can't talk properly for similar reasons. Now everyday it's like I'm not even trying to act sane anymore, I just go through life being mentally unstable and such. I've seen a counselor as well as a psychiatrist several months ago about my dp/dr symptoms and anxiety. The psychiatrist urged me to take Zoloft despite me saying that I wanted to work through it with good routine and diet but I took it because he was pleading with me to and I suffered with very severe and every possible mental and physical side effects. I stopped after taking it only once because there was no way to put up with the side effects and be functional for school. I dont want to say that the Zoloft was the final nail in the coffin that sent this whole thing spiraling downward but I truly believe I would have been way better off not taking it. Anyway guys, thanks for your encouraging replies! I'm not one to post and rant about my problems and it took me several months to decide to join the forum because I needed people out there to know what I'm going through as I've kept it all to myself without having told my friends and family about any of this. Basically if I can at least communicate some of the things that I'm experiencing then I'm not that mental and I still have some grasp that things aren't normal. Again, thanks for your kind replies!
  5. For the past month I feel like I'm on the brink of losing my sanity everyday and near psychosis. I'm just dried up and finding it hard to cope on a day to day basis. A little over a month ago I had some mental stability and then all the sudden my hppd which was very mild became 3x worse, I'm constantly questioning if I'm tripping when I look at everything. The dp/dr makes me think and feel like I'm tripping despite not having touched a single drug since November. The whole world looks wrong and I can't tell if it's OCD/anxiety and dp/dr or if it's a symptom of hppd and this uncertainty of whether it's one or the other is adding to all the obsession. I'm close to being mentally dysfunctional because my mind is filled with delusional and strange and random thoughts and I don't trust my reasoning abilities anymore. Emotionally I can't handle being around my own family and friends because I can't help but think just how far off I feel from them mentally and emotionally. I'm so short-fueled and feel absolutely nothing towards my family. I get angry and frustrated and negative towards small things and just don't have the emotional and mental capacity to deal with anything. I can't even enjoy playing games and skyping with my friends because I feel like I'm just pretending or have no control of what I say and thinking how they are just living their life and moving forward and I'm just stuck dealing with mental and emotional unstability and insanity. I've become a social recluse and an aloof and it's absolutely shameful that I'm barely functioning. I just want to escape from everything, run away from my own family and friends so I can stop feeling like I'm putting up an act all the time. I'm almost 21 and about to be a college senior and everyone my age group is seeking jobs, internships, permanent relationships, etc. and I'm trapped in a strange mental state and reality. I'm terrified that I won't be able to function socially and academically when I go back to university in 2 months because I'll be going back being a lot worse than when I left it a month and a half ago. The thing that's been the hardest to accept is how backwards this whole thing seems to go. When you think it couldn't possibly get any worse, it does!Anyway, sorry about venting on here. I wish I could say that this rant made me felt better but I'm about convince that I'm not mentally sane anymore and the lost of self is so great that I don't even feel connected to this post that I'm writing. Peace!
  6. I think it might be dp/dr related more than HPPD because hppd is more of a visual issue rather than a physical/mental symptoms which dp is. Plus my experience with this is that the level to which I experience it is not persistent (which hppd is) like sometimes i almost don't feel it. I think this is the same with seeing faces in cars, trees and clouds because it's not really obvious unless I go out looking for it or when my dp is really bad. I came to this conclusion based on a lot of research on dp/dr and hppd. Mentally and physically, you shouldn't be trippy or high anymore once the psychoactive substance leave the brain. The thing that makes it hard to conclude whether it's one or the other is that people with this symptom also has dp/dr in most if not in all cases. I could be wrong, when this symptom came up I started to experience strong hypnagogic/hypomanic hallucinations and my visual symptoms started increasing too. I now see slight and fast trailing when I move my phone really quickly with the screen open. This morning i thought I had my eyes opened and was looking at my phone until I realized that im actually still sleeping and my phone is on my futon. Plus I experienced other really strong hallucinations as well as I was falling back to sleep and thought I was gonna wake up with a full blown hallucination and afraid that I would be sent to a nut house. Despite only having mild visual symptoms, the intensity of the hypnagogic/hypnopompic hallucinations and feeling like I'm still dreaming isn't helping me feel optimistic. I honestly could not imagine it getting this bad 5 or 6 weeks ago because I was clear of drugs for nearly 7 months now. Anyway, what are your thoughts on my theory?
  7. My dp/dr, hppd was brought on by numerous use of dmt, mushrooms 4 times, and went through a phase where I smoked marijuana frequently. I've ceased all drug used since this began and only had alcohol onced less 5 months ago. My hppd symptoms was very mild and it honestly didn't bother me for the first 2 months since all my problem began back in November. I've suffered various dp/dr symptoms that greatly disturbed me and still do even til now and HPPD didn't cause me any fear because I didnt have it full blown like heavy static, visual snow, afterimage etc. It was mostly just random black or white or blue dots appearing in my vision every now and then and this also happens when I close my eyes to go to sleep. The real problem began about a week and a half or two ago and basically I feel high but more like coming off of a trippy weed high (sour diesel was trippy for me when I was really baked and staring at clouds). The whole world looks trippy and wrong and my mind is trippy as well. I started seeing faces when looking at the front and back of cars and also cars and trees looks like they have personality. Clouds looks like they are figured and have shapes, kinda like seeing angels or animals. I can't really unsee it when I notice them even though I know mentally that they are clouds, cars, trees etc. Anyway, these are just the most obvious ones but basically a lot of other things in the everyday external environment I look at could look wrong and trippy. I'm uncertain if I'm just being obsessive or paranoid for the most part because sometimes just looking at letters or texts on computer screen can look wrong but I don't notice it if I don't think about it. Mentally, my thought process is kinda stoned too. Slightly paranoid and obsessive. I'm frequently paranoid that people will notice something is off or thinking my employer isn't satisfied with me. Rational thinking says they have other things to concentrate on than to watch you through security cameras and catching your mistakes. The only interesting side to this is that music seems enhanced and sometimes the sky can look brilliant if there's sunshine and lots of clouds. I just wanted to know if anyone in this forum have had experienced or relate to this and or had it go away completely. I'm kinda hoping that this high feeling and thought process is just dp/dr related.